Help! I don't like my husband.

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I don’t think the loving feeling goes away, but it may be hiding in the backround with the day to day, doing this doing that. We just have to take a few minutes and find where we left it. Just a spur of the monment kiss on the cheek for no reason other then to say, Hey, I love you and thinking of you. While on the couch just hold his hand while watching TV or something. Little things do mean a lot and take very little effort.:love:
 
Trista,
I found this tonight and thought it might have some meaning for you. It is written by Fr. Basil Pennington.

I have often said that I first learned contemplation the summer I was four years old. That summer I was on the farm with my grandparents. For some reason it was just the three of us at times. After supper I would go out on the porch and sit on the top step. After a bit, Granddad would come out and sit on one end of the porch swing. After a while, Grandma would come (women always do more work than men). And we would usually just sit there in silence. I felt so wonderful! It was only years later that I realized what was happening. This man and woman, who had been together for so many decades, had no need to say anything. It had all been said. They just sat together in love. And that love embraced the little grandson on the top step . He felt good all over as he sat in that love. Now he sits in the love of his heavenly Father.
B. Pennington
 
Feanaro's Wife:
If you look at love as an action, a decision, then you will see that you do not have to wait at all. It is up to you.

Now, you may have to wait 1, 2, 15 years or forever for your spouse to choose to love you back. But love, true unconditional love, is not based on what you get in return. If that were the case then Jesus would not love any of us sinners.

To the OP, get a copy of Dr.Laura’s book “the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands”. Assuming you married a decent guy (no abuse, addictions or adultery) then it should help you out tremendously…it helped me sooo much.

From your post it really sounds as though you want to love your husband but just don’t know what to do. I appreciaite the courage it took for you to write those words and admit your feelings. I hope you can get the help here that you need and can get back on the road to having a happy life…you just sound so sad.

I will add my prayers to yours.

Malia
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I married a wonderful man and he has no issues (drugs, porn etc.) he is a wonderful thoughtful & loving husband, father and stepfather.
I apologize again my post was directed to the woman that are having issues with their husbands and does not refer to me.
 
Since I have only been married for 1 year and still dearly love my husband, and I don’t really *know *you, I can only suggest a few general things.

From personal experience, I know how difficult it can be to deal with emotional problems. I grew up in an emotionally unhealthy way because of both the situation and my own personality. My husband (I thank God for him every day) has helped me to discover the depth of my emotional deprivation.

We have found through our research that EDD (Emotional Deprivation Disorder) is more commom than many people would want to admit, and the only way to work through it is to recondition yourself to *feel *again. It is especially difficult to excuse this if you feel strong obligations to your children, husband, family, friends, etc. First, you must find someone to support you. Very often, this does not have to be your spouse, but a more motherly figure, like a close friend or sister who will listen and not judge you for your emotions as they are finally allowed to grow from the childish state they may be in now into the mature adult emotions, when you can feel and not be controlled or ruled by your emotions. This is a long and difficult process, and requires patience for yourself and on the part of the listener.

A very good resource for this is the book “Psychic Wholeness and Healing” and also “Healing the Unaffirmed” by Dr. Conrad Baars, a Catholic psychiatrist. His daughter, Dr. Suzanne Baars, is also a fabulous resource. She followed in her father’s footsteps. She has appeared on the series “The Abundant Life”, so you might be able to look her up.

So far, everything I have said basically boils down to : “Take the time and effort to build yourself back up…” This is true. Once you have developed yourself stop feeling guilty about needing to talk about yourself with your husband, you will be better able to open up beyond yourself and really l love your husband, even though it takes so much work. Another positive point is that, when he sees that you are a stronger, more whole person, he will be more willing, more joyful to share your company and conversation, and the two of you will once more inspire eachother in the Love of God.

I will keep you and your precious family in my prayers. Pray for the strengthening of the Sacrament of Marriage throughout the world!
 
Trista–I think your post rings true to anyone who has been married for more than a few years.

I have an excellent book to recommend. To me, it is the best book on marriage that I have ever read, and I have read alot! It is called “Love and Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerich. He is a Christian (not Catholic) but I tell you, this book is great! I remember seeing a thread on this book in the Family Life forum only a few weeks ago. You could probably do a search and find it if you are interested. I am recommending this book VERY strongly!! I have seen its effects in my own marriage and in friends to whom I have recommended it. Please get a copy and start reading it, and maybe your husband will pick it up as well.

Also, please don’t be afraid to go to marriage counseling. From time to time, we feel that we need this when we get “stuck” and can’t get out on our own! I saw a website once of good Catholic marriage counselers. I’ll look for it and post it if I can find it. At our old parish, there was a man in the parish who was a licensed marriage and family therapist so we went to him (and our insurance paid!)

I will say a prayer for you. Marriage is hard but as others have mentioned, a great sacrament in which God can richly bless you with his graces.

Amy
 
Agreed, your post can ring true to almost everyone who has been married for sometime.

Heck, there are a lot of times that I don’t like my husband! Moments that I started to think that I didn’t even love him. Slowly I started wondering if I shouldn’t just stop needing him at all. Well, this is what I came up with…it helped my marriage so far (I am still trying to get some alone time with him more often)

We all know that women “love” with emotions. Especially in a physcial relationship. Its hard to have relations with your husband when he’s just not there for you emotionally.

Now, as for men, they “love” physcially. Is this making any sense?

So, the way I looked at my marriage…we where getting no where fast. He wasn’t supporting me emotionally (not talking, not acting like he cared, not helping with kids, etc) and I wasn’t “giving it up”, if you know what I mean. He seemed so much like a stranger!

So, I gave in. Slowly, things started to turn around. In other words, I don’t feel like I am “giving in” anymore. It took about 2 months.

This worked for me. Not saying that it will work for all.

You are in my prayers!
 
Trista,

You have just described, word for word, my husband. This is indeed a very hard crosses to bear.

Step 1, realize it is a cross to bear. This will help with wanting to resent him. Meditate on all those who rejected Jesus in His life, even his most intimate friends. Meditate on all those who reject Him today, by not even bothering to get up from the couch on Sunday morning in order to be united to Him in Holy Communion. How lonely is our Lord!

Step 2, think back to his family life and how he was raised. My DH was raised in an emotionally sterile environment, I really don’t think (after 10 years of trying in our marriage) that he is even CAPABLE of giving me the emotional support and friendship that I need, and (you CAN admit this to yourself) that God has designed for me and all humans to recieve. “Man was not meant to be alone”

Step 3, realize that, even if your DH was perfect, he still could not provide for you the PERFECT love and companionship that God can, and does, if we let Him. Look into your own heart, even if you were “allowed” to, could you provide this level of love to your DH that God could? (This is realizing that your DH is not perfect, niether are you, and that only God is)

Step 4, DON’T TOURTURE YOURSELF WITH THE “WHAT IF’S”! Know for certian that even if you stood in front of him all day long, waiting, he would not be ready to “spend time” with you. Do what you must (within reason) to keep yourself emotionally sane. Don’t let him guilt you into thinking that “if only I wait patiently, he will eventially come over”, he will not. To do this for myself, I am involved up at school, and I use my invlovement in the various organizations as a way to “keep up my resume in case I need to go to work” so he dosn’t feel AS threatened by it.

Step 5, try and keep your relationships with others to times when he is not around, in order to reduce conflict. Don’t lie, but don’t be “in your face -see!!!” about it. Just explain to him, calmly, maybe in a letter that you realize you have more emotional, interactive needs than him, and in order to give him his “space”, you need to interact with these other people, but you promise not to use the opprotunity to talk about him. Woman are more social than men.

Step 6, GO TO MASS AND EUCHARISTIC ADORATION!!!
This is the most important step. I spent, literally, 1 1/2 years of daily (weekday, so not to upset him) mass, followed by 1-3 hours of just sitting in church after mass just talking to the Lord, and “complaining” to him about my DH (This was after we were on the verge of divorce after 1 year of marriage, and a baby). IT DOES NO GOOD TO COMPLAIN TO ANYONE ELSE!!! Your DH will only take it personally and critically, friends don’t need that kind of intimate info, and family will hold it against him. Even now, I will go to mass about once a weekday, and on a different day, spend about 2 hours in front of the tabernacle in an empty church, just so I can survive. Jesus is the ONLY one who can fill your need for the level of intimate companionship that your DH should be able to provide for you.

I reccommend going to mass on Mon, or Tues after dropping kids off at school (don’t wait any longer than that!) and staying after, (if it’s quiet) for an hour (at least) and just unload your heart over to the lord. Ask him, point blank, to fill you with the FEELING of his love for you. Even for that moment. Then ask him to help you love your DH as he (Jesus) loves him.

Then, practice little kindnesses to your DH while he is home. Cook his favorite foods, ask him if you can get him a drink, “how was you day”, etc., with NO personal, emotional strings attached. Then leave him, and busy yourself about with neutral things. If you feel the need to talk to someone, to have an emotional exchange, lean on the Lord. Call on him to fill you in that moment with his love, his compassion, and remember, Jesus is always there for us, ready to support us, we but need to ask. When you want to tell DH somthing he dosn’t want to hear right then, tell Jesus, he does!

This is the only way I have lived for 10 yrs. without divorcing my DH. At times it feels like emotional abuse, and I struggle with this every day. If you need someont to talk to, please feel free to PM me, (Best during school hours 😉 ) and I will be happy to spend time with another “emotional widow”!

You are not alone!!!

Siena:)
 
Yikes! Almost 50 posts in less than 24 hours.

It almost seems pandemic. I wonder if most wives don’t like their husbands? It seems that even if they are all the good stuff, i.e. faithful, good husbands, fathers, providers, no addictions, not abusive, etc., their wives just don’t love, or even like them. That’s scary! And the worst part is, most husbands are probably clueless. How could the clueless husband find out?

I would just die if I found I was in that boat. I’m praying, right now, that I too, am not. If I were, would there be anything I could do about it? Would I even want to know?
 
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cargopilot:
Yikes! Almost 50 posts in less than 24 hours.

It almost seems pandemic. I wonder if most wives don’t like their husbands? It seems that even if they are all the good stuff, i.e. faithful, good husbands, fathers, providers, no addictions, not abusive, etc., their wives just don’t love, or even like them. That’s scary! And the worst part is, most husbands are probably clueless. How could the clueless husband find out?

I would just die if I found I was in that boat. I’m praying, right now, that I too, am not. If I were, would there be anything I could do about it? Would I even want to know?
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Apparently, you have not read all the posts. Most of the women are discussing ways to keep love in their marriage, not that they don’t love their husbands. If we didn’t love them we wouldn’t try so hard! As I said in a previous post, I love my hubby more today then I did 18 years ago when I married him. But my hubby is a pretty wonderful guy.

I think that the posters who have expressed a loss of love during their marriage did write that they had tried to talk with their husbands about the problems but were shut down by them. So the best advice is that if your wife says something is wrong, don’t let pride make you stubborn. Believe her and work on your marriage.
 
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deb1:
Apparently, you have not read all the posts. Most of the women are discussing ways to keep love in their marriage, not that they don’t love their husbands. If we didn’t love them we wouldn’t try so hard! As I said in a previous post, I love my hubby more today then I did 18 years ago when I married him. But my hubby is a pretty wonderful guy.

I think that the posters who have expressed a loss of love during their marriage did write that they had tried to talk with their husbands about the problems but were shut down by them. So the best advice is that if your wife says something is wrong, don’t let pride make you stubborn. Believe her and work on your marriage.
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You’re right. I quickly scanned the posts, but I can see that it can clearly be a struggle for everyone, not just wives, to stay in love with your spouse. I know both husbands and wives who for one reason or another don’t love, or even like, their spouse, anymore. How many times have we heard someone say “I’ve just fallen out of love” or "We’ve just grown apart’? When that happens, the secular world would just have us divorce, so we can be ‘free’ to find someone else who gives us that giddy feeling of ‘love’ we once had for our spouse.

A priest once told me when I was struggling with the very same feelings the OP is indicating, that we actually can ‘will’ ourselves to love our spouse. That the love for our spouse is absolutely under our control. That bit of advice helped keep me from falling farther away from my wife and into the waiting arms of another woman. Father’s right…we CAN will ourselves to love our spouse. It’s just not always easy, but the rewards are great.
 
Hi to Trista, the OP:

I hope you have gotten some helpful advice. As I tend to blabber too much, (just my nature), and put my foot in my mouth sometimes, may I re-phrase what I meant. Wow–when I read over alot of what I divulged, I would wonder too, how I could go on, in my situation, with how terrible it seems. :o Those of you who are married presently, or have been married for any length of time, over 15 years for example, know it is not an even keel road all the time. It’s so easy to only think of the negative traits of our spouse at times, like they don’t have positive ones. Of course they all do, or we wouldn’t have married them in the first place. And I suppose they could also list all our shortcomings, :o as well, i.e., that we could be a messy housekeeper or a lousy cook, or impatient with kids, or too concerned with our appearance, or too this, or not this way, wheww. I think alot of what women mean when we complain, when we say things like “we don’t love our H’s anymore”–what is REALLY meant, is “life is just so hard at times, and I’m under so much stress. And where is my help”??? Perhaps is this what you mean OP? I’m sure if you examine all you loved about your H when you married him, you will find it is still there, maybe simmering, but nevertheless still there.
Well—that’s all. Take Care~~and God Bless~
Sparkle
 
Thank you all for your comments and suggestions.

I think it is just very difficult when one of the reasons you fell in love with your husband is that he spent so much time asking about you, how you felt about things, what your thoughts were, etc., etc., etc. He told you you were very interesting to carry on a conversation with etc., etc., etc. These were things you really craved and found in this man and now there is very little of this.

Yes, we spend times talking, but it’s usually about him, his work, what’s going on with him and, of course, about the children. When I bring up me, the conversation vitually stops. So, in order to have verbal interactions with my husband I have to find a topic he enjoys. This is all well and good, but some times I’d like him not only to ask how my day was but to spend time listening. I think these expectations were based on how he presented himself early on; that is who I thought he was not something I’ve created.

I will read each post carefully and try to follow some of your suggestions. If you have more, I’d appreciate these to.

Oh, and by the way, I don’t talk about my husband to family and friends. So if I am displeased with something he does, am I just supposed to keep it to myself; because, he sure doesn’t want to hear it?
 
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Trista:
Oh, and by the way, I don’t talk about my husband to family and friends. So if I am displeased with something he does, am I just supposed to keep it to myself; because, he sure doesn’t want to hear it?
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If it’s a trivial matter, that would probably be the wisest. If it is serious, you should tell him in a respectful way (i.e., no nagging, yelling, etc., since you’re not his mother). This is the same courtesy you’d appreciate from him.

May I also suggest crosswalk.com, and click on the family and marriage links?

Blessings.
 
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cargopilot:
Yikes! Almost 50 posts in less than 24 hours.

It almost seems pandemic. I wonder if most wives don’t like their husbands? It seems that even if they are all the good stuff, i.e. faithful, good husbands, fathers, providers, no addictions, not abusive, etc., their wives just don’t love, or even like them. That’s scary! And the worst part is, most husbands are probably clueless. How could the clueless husband find out?

I would just die if I found I was in that boat. I’m praying, right now, that I too, am not. If I were, would there be anything I could do about it? Would I even want to know?
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This is addressed in the Love and Repect book and probably on the website that Jay gave as well. Sometimes husbands think they are loving their wives just fine, but really just don’t know HOW to love them, since we are so different! Same goes for us wives… Men need something different from what we naturally give them. This book teaches us how to give our spouse what they need! I’m telling you… It’s fantastic!!!
 
Great posts by others. I have only one brief and, typically, unromantic tip to add:

Beware of relational contact with men right now. Whether of the real or virtual variety. Don’t get emotionally close to ANY man while you are struggling with feeling distant from your husband.

This is how otherwise good, upstanding women end up in affairs. (Men end up there due to being lust-filled dirtbags. But that’s another thread!). There is a certain kind of men that can TELL when a woman is in the vulnerable state you are in.

God bless and safeguard you.
 
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LovedOne:
I too highly recommend you read Dr. Laura’s book, “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.” It is a real eye opener for women and has healed many a marriage.

One thing Dr. Laura asks women when they call her with questions and situations such as yours (quite common) is, “Are YOU someone *you *would want to come home to at the end of the day?”
Really makes women stop and take a look at themselves.

It’s a great book!
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I have given this book to many of the young women that I know and love. I agree that it makes a woman think.
 
I didn’t like my husband and that is why he is my EX. However, I absolutely LOVE my BF!
~ Kathy ~
 
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