Help! I know I'm called to marriage but i'm aging and my partner is far from ready!

  • Thread starter Thread starter Misan
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it’s a fact that had i left him, i would not have been catholic today.
 
guys you are all making great points, i agree with you all that these are valid concerns. i will take it all to heart, i mean it.
 
please everyone also bear with me, be patient with my lack of perspective in this, i haven’t had that many voices of reason but my own broken one during and after a huge crisis (our entire relationship) which now finally is starting to clear up.
 
Misan said:
i was forced to leave my family to cling onto him, at the time at least when i had nobody else, it’s only recently that i’ve met a few more people
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And as you are broadening your social circle, and less dependent on him, you are opening your eyes to the fact that he may not be right for you.

I suggest the two of you sit down in a meeting with your priest for counsel on your relationship. Lay out your needs to him and if he can’t meet, or doesn’t want to— and by his actions you will know— then you have a decision to make.

I don’t think anyone here can tell you to stay with him or to leave. We can tell you what we see which is based on what you’ve written.

Those who have said “actions speak louder than words”, are correct. I think it might be good for you to get some distance from him to understand your own thoughts and feelings too.

How much of this is love for him versus how much of this is a misplaced affection related to the bad times in your life when your family turned against you and he was so much of your world? How much of this is a misplaced gratitude, a feeling that you must be with him forever out of gratitude?
 
1ke said:
And as you are broadening your social circle, and less dependent on him, you are opening your eyes to the fact that he may not be right for you.
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yes you put it …quite right, or rather, i am growing in my concern and realization of the urgency that he improves, to meet my standards and assumed vocation.
 
Misan said:
it’s a fact that had i left him, i would not have been catholic today.
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It’s a fact that we can’t know the future, or possible alternative futures. You could’ve come to the Catholic Church a different way. You’ll never really know. And bringing you to the church is great, but it’s not a reason to marry him.
 
1ke said:
How much of this is love for him versus how much of this is a misplaced affection related to the bad times in your life when your family turned against you and he was so much of your world? How much of this is a misplaced gratitude, a feeling that you must be with him forever out of gratitude?
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…sir, or madam, please don’t be this wise, i can’t handle the truth. No but on a serious note, you are right, these are very valid thoughts.
 
We gain wisdom from experience.

Be the beneficiary of all of my past love mess ups. I’ve been there, I’ve done that.

I’m a woman, by the way.
 
Alright, then it’s madam! Goodness these things you have all said… i gotta note them down and pray that if there’s truth to them, god allows them to penetrate my ignorance on them, or rather, refusal to hearken to them, and make a decision based on them. I’ve noticed more and more lately that just watching a sinking ship, while i’m being catapulted forward into sainthood, is quite debilitating.
 
I often find myself absolutely devastated about it, crying, begging god to give me what i want. man, it’s been real bad. and i’ve waited this long, despite such trauma and crisis in my life, losing everything, and starting over… sometimes i thought, why am i feeling obliged to this type of devotion to him? is it really voluntary charity to wait this long and put up with it, or foolishness? more and more i think…foolishness.
 
I think it would be worth taking these thoughts to a therapist, Misan. They’ll be able to help you get sort through how you’re feeling and to get some clarity on everything.
 
the therapists don’t base their council on the truth of christ, that’s the sole reason i don’t go there. i’ve had therapy before, different people even, due to the crisis, and when it comes to practical issues, solving mountain of problems, or having someone to spill all your heart’s troubles to, it’s been useful. other than that, seeking council about these types of matters, what is good for my soul and body, they don’t know, and might place these diagnosises on me that are false (they’ve done it before).
 
that is true, i just thought these people who are faithful to god and know the faith and marriage from the viewpoint of the truth, would be more appropriate to listen to, when we can’t council our parents or anything of the like, and our own reason/understanding of god is flawed
 
I’m sorry to hear that. They don’t sound like good therapists. Maybe if you change your mind, you could ask your Priest to recommend a Catholic counselor.
 
i live in a very…secular country, so we dont have such things available. but thanks for the advice and concern! i probably will bring all this stuff up to the priest privately first, the history of my struggle with him, his problems (the relevant ones that are really bad) and you guys’s advice.
 
we should talk to the priest together, but then i might be too careful with what i say about him
 
Misan said:
So many times that i’ve held interventions, written/spoken long novels of truth, critique, reason, what have you, i’ve percieved myself as cruel or mean, as heartless, that i’m not supposed to be saying such things. That i should pull a saint Monica. But saint Monica was married…
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I’m not an expert on interventions but I used to watch that show called intervention which I thought was very good. If you’ve done many interventions, you aren’t doing it right. The goal is to set solid boundaries and not weaken on them otherwise you are just further enabling the addict. Nearly all of the friends and relatives that took part in the interventions found sticking to the boundaries the most difficult part. People find it counter intuitive that love could seem so cruel, but the reality is that it is much crueller to a person to keep enabling their self destructive behaviour. I wish you well and hope God blesses you with with strength and wisdom. But I’d definitely suggest getting professional help in addressing your relationship issues.
 
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