Help! I know I'm called to marriage but i'm aging and my partner is far from ready!

[Misan]

i withdraw what i said in my latest posts, it got too private.

 

[Horton]

I am going to give you an opposite perspective on your situation. First stop doing what you’ve been doing, the interventions, lectures, critiques, reasons, whatever. That will get you no where. Instead ask him sincerely what his needs are. Then shut up and listen. Let him speak, don’t interrupt him, don’t minimize his concerns, and do not try to fix anything.

Second, you are only 27, you are not running out of time.

Third, from the sound of things this guy has stood by you through some really tough times. He brought you out of an abusive situation, led you to God, and now is joining the Catholic Church with you. Now you don’t seem willing to wait for him to be “ready” to marry you? You say you have a lack of patience and expect him to be what you want him to be just like that, at the snap of your fingers.

I get the feeling you may not have a great understanding of what conversion, Catholic life, marriage, and family life really are. I would guess that just as your boyfriend isn’t ready for marriage, you aren’t either.

Please talk to your priest about all of this, but quit throwing this guy under the bus, you have some work to do on yourself.

 

[Misan]

thank you for that. i needed to hear that, and you’re right.

 

[Misan]

what the others have said did raise some important questions i need to ask myself, but you also stated a truth that i would say, offended me the most. which means something.

 

[Misan]

First stop doing what you’ve been doing, the interventions, lectures, critiques, reasons, whatever.

when i stop doing this, i do see some improvements. then the fears and concerns and worries kick in, and i get back to speaking like that, and i see …well, not so wonderful times.

 

[Misan]

Second, you are only 27, you are not running out of time.

by baby making standards i thought i was running out of time, because everywhere you look, “you loose fertility dramatically starting in your 30s”

 

[Misan]

Third, from the sound of things this guy has stood by you through some really tough times. He brought you out of an abusive situation, led you to God, and now is joining the Catholic Church with you. Now you don’t seem willing to wait for him to be “ready” to marry you? You say you have a lack of patience and expect him to be what you want him to be just like that, at the snap of your fingers.

i haven’t wanted him to be ready at the snap of his fingers, i just have gone upset over how he was the one who brought i up in the first place when we began dating, and how the more i got ready to get married, he still didnt, and even went backwards. Not saying it was because of me gettting ready, just that it became that way, and it became more and more of an issue.

 

[Misan]

I get the feeling you may not have a great understanding of what conversion, Catholic life, marriage, and family life really are. I would guess that just as your boyfriend isn’t ready for marriage, you aren’t either.

i do, and i’m ready, but he is terrified of being a father and a husband. his dad wasnt a good model for this, so he didn’t learn any better. now suddenly he needs to be this great catholic man who has 20 kids, and he doesn’t have a particular degree that generates lots of money for it. I think he’s concerned whether he can support a family financially with just his basic future income from a basic job.

 

[1ke]

now suddenly he needs to be this great catholic man who has 20 kids,

Um. Huh???

 

[Misan]

just as your boyfriend isn’t ready for marriage, you aren’t either.

yes, you’re right, it seems i am not, considering how many faults i seem to be making just in regards to how i relate to him and decisions i make around him.

 

[Misan]

quit throwing this guy under the bus

please explain further how i am throwing him under the bus, i need that part clarified

 

[Misan]

thats his impression of the faith

 

[1ke]

by baby making standards i thought i was running out of time, because everywhere you look, “you loose fertility dramatically starting in your 30s”

Yes, fertility does decline in your 30s. That’s biology.

But that doesn’t mean you can’t have children.

It also doesn’t mean you will have children whether you marry today or 10 years from now.

 

[Misan]

marry a woman, be the sole provider, have babies without contraception, and when you got like 11 kids, you can be happy

 

[Misan]

that…does make alot of sense, thanks

 

[1ke]

thats his impression of the faith

Well it’s a misguided one.

Perhaps he needs to speak to a priest about his distorted view of Catholic life.

 

[Misan]

but thats what he sees everywhere. just look at youtube, every leading catholic on youtube who is a family man, got tons of kids and makes a ton of money through tons of degrees

 

[1ke]

marry a woman, be the sole provider, have babies without contraception, and when you got like 11 kids, you can be happy

Again, a distorted view of Catholic life. Not sure where he’s getting these ideas but whenever rhey are coming from he should stay away.

 

[Horton]

i do, and i’m ready, but he is terrified of being a father and a husband. his dad wasnt a good model for this, so he didn’t learn any better. now suddenly he needs to be this great catholic man who has 20 kids, and he doesn’t have a particular degree that generates lots of money for it. I think he’s concerned whether he can support a family financially with just his basic future income from a basic job.

And do you really listen to him when he says these things? Not just hear them and toss them off, but listen to him, validate his concerns, let him know his opinion is important. Do you offer to work together through these concerns? Do you have a job?

 

[Misan]

but the problem here is he gets frightened off, then stops actively studying the faith, so he never learns in that case, what the real story is