Help! I know I'm called to marriage but i'm aging and my partner is far from ready!

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Not just spiritual, but all the bad stuff he does in the natural …uh realm, things like not looking for a job, consuming dangerous substances and such . Things that make it virtually impossible for him to start a family.
 
alright. i’ll take your words of advice and try to implement them. sorry, i must come off as some maniac. I was raised in a control freak house, which also abused and persecuted me when i left islam, and now live in pure isolation, completely depending on myself, because of it. Had to abandon family, town, everything. It does affect a bit i’ve noticed my desire to have stability, especially with this guy.
 
Misan, you are being honest–it is true that your first post came across as a bit of a control freak! Many of us have “been there done that.” It is an old, old story. It does seem to me that the best thing you can do is try to open a bit of space between him and you so he can breath. At a quiet moment and without pushing it, ask him what his plans are so that you can plan ahead (he owes you honesty) and then be prepared to accept the answer. He may well just be feeling cornered (these are a lot of changes!) and just giving him some space and time may well bring him fully back to you – or solve whatever is troubling your relationship.
 
i think my priest hasnt mentioned us in the context of a courtship, because he views him as hopeless. Last time he was at mass, which was i think his second or third time, the priest would seriously tell him about his spiritual life, that the rosary was his only hope, like he was this hopeless case of human being who will never even get to heaven except by relying on the miracles of our lady’s prayers… he didn’t say that to me at all, with me he gave all kinds of direction. sure, maybe because i was more enthusiastic and had my stuff put together a lot more, but i think it really affected him. i mean imagine you’re already feeling like a hopeless basket case and then your priest looks at you, studies you, does the “hmmmm” thing while you tell your story and then gives you that “review”. i gotta say, it got pretty tense, i bet everyone were thinking “sheesh, dont wanna be that guy”…
 
Misan said:
he wants and wills us to get married and have lots of kids just as much as me, he’s expressed it numerous times, his need for a family with me, and he has never expressed any kind of word or even given off any impression that i’m wanting something he doesn’t.
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This doesn’t make sense in light of what you said in your original post. And then I see what you posted about him not looking for a job, consuming dangerous substances etc. people are what they DO, not what they SAY. You know who a person is by their actions. If he wills himself to be married then why isn’t he taking any action to move closer to that reality? If I were you, I would be asking him why his actions don’t line up with his intentions. Just some food for thought. Spiritually, you are doing the right thing by continuing to pray for him, for God’s will for him.
 
i think he does the opposite to what he does, not because his will is not aligned with his principles, but because his belief about himself is not aligned with what god says about him. God can say who he is and how wonderful he is and what he really is capable of, but if he looks at himself as a piece of human waste, who is hopeless and has given up on life, then he will not be able to take action. I’ve tried to sometimes share uplifting messages about his self-worth, confidence and other things to get him to realize what he really is vs what his insecurities and fears say he is. But…of course, at no avail
 
It may seem harsh, but I would tell him outright: stop consuming dangerous substances (drugs?), put effort into finding a job… or marriage isn’t on the cards. It’s as simple as that. It’s called tough love. If he can’t even take steps towards meeting those basic objectives, his actions don’t show love whatever his words say.
 
Hmmm. It certainly should not be the call of a priest to consider someone “hopeless!” No wonder your friend is backing away a bit. I’d be depressed too. But your priest may well be onto something that doesn’t look good for your relationship. If your friend does have serious issues, you need to back off and keep praying for him. NEVER get married because you think you “have to” or “he’s the one no matter what he does.” Let me assure you that this is often fatal for marriages. Confront him quietly but tell him if he can’t or won’t get his act together, YOU need to move on.
 
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Yes! I’m with twf. Confronting him in this way is not harsh at all. It is honest.
 
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Although you don’t have to have entered the Church or have everything in order before you marry, I’d be massively concerned about marrying a man who doesn’t look for a job and takes drugs. They are huge red flags and I urge a lot of caution marrying him.
 
you have no idea how many times ive made such statements. more and more i start to wonder if men listen to women who correct them at all?
 
In my experience, rarely 🙂 and only if they WANT to change and LOVE the person offering the advice.
 
You think so? Might be something to that, the priest might have already judged him but kept it to himself. Perhaps he also realize what i’m like in my terrible patience and “letting go and letting god” it seems…maybe that’s why he hasn’t said anything. He might not want to drive me away.

The funny thing is, ive been moving forward and perhaps drifted away from him just to advance in doing god’s will, so im not being hindered or stopped in my plans in any way because of his failures.
 
So many times that i’ve held interventions, written/spoken long novels of truth, critique, reason, what have you, i’ve percieved myself as cruel or mean, as heartless, that i’m not supposed to be saying such things. That i should pull a saint Monica. But saint Monica was married…
 
Saint Monica was interceding for her son. Completely unrelated situation. You have no obligation to this man (beyond that to any other man) until he gets his act together and makes vows before God.
 
i already know that’s the thing, why he struggles. he doesn’t do heavy drugs, he’s not an alcoholic, he’s just a heavy smoker, and eats lots of unhealthy food.
 
Gosh, Misan, your very words are giving away the situation! If you held interventions for me or sent me long “written/spoken novels” telling me how I need to change, I’d be running away from you in a heartbeat! Monica was praying for her son–and entirely different situation–and Augustine at one point fled from her clinging away from Carthage to Rome! It is a good story, but nothing like your situation at all.
 
very good question. i haven’t thought about that before, thanks for bringing it up.
 
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