Help! I know I'm called to marriage but i'm aging and my partner is far from ready!

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It sounds like you are moving in a different direction than your boyfriend and that you are determined to stay with him even when many signs are pointing towards this man not being marriage, husband, or father material.

I suggest you reflect on how much of this is about him versus how much of this is about you not wanting to have a “failed“ relationship. Are you determined to stay with him because you’ve been with him for three years? This is known as cutting off your nose to spite your face.

I see too many people using “God’s will“ as an excuse when it’s really their own stubbornness keeping them in a relationship.

I would seriously not date or marry a person who will not get a job, hold a job, or who has a substance-abuse issue. And I would frankly tell anyone who does that they’re crazy.

As for your priest and his comments or non-comments about marriage, a priest can only marry someone in the church when at least one of them is Catholic. That is why he is not talking to you about marriage, because neither of you are Catholics. However that does not mean that you cannot get married. It means that you can either get married before you were Catholic in a civil ceremony, which would be perfectly valid. Or, you can get married after you both enter the church or one of you enters the church and you are a Catholic.

But, I wouldn’t marry him at all if it were me. 27 is not old. I did not get married until I was 38. And I would much rather be alone and never married then be yoked to someone like you describe.
 
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well i know he loves his sins and doesn’t love god enough to be ready to suffer. but that was the whole point with him beginning his catechumens, to understand the faith, grow in love for god, why suddenly backing out
 
i mean to her husband, i heard she had a terrible husband who converted last minute, is that true?
 
Misan said:
i already know that’s the thing, why he struggles. he doesn’t do heavy drugs, he’s not an alcoholic, he’s just a heavy smoker, and eats lots of unhealthy food.
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You can’t change him, or get him to change. He has to want to, for himself. And clearly he does not. I would think really, really carefully about marrying a man who you are not compatible with - he doesn’t want to get a job. He doesn’t want to stop smoking. He doesn’t want to eat healthily. He doesn’t want to stop taking drugs. If he did want to stop any of those things, he would be doing so or he would be finding help to do so. The fact that he isn’t tells you all you need to know.
 
The truth hurts. Would you rather people tell you what you want to hear, or what you need to hear?
 
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what i need to hear. it does hurt, i feel like i’m being smacked left to right over here with your comments XD but i don’t deny what any of you are saying. it just hits hard that that might be the case for me.
 
One question though. If he wasn’t the one, why on earth did God intertwine us so badly we only have one another and have gone through all these journeys together?
 
Was i supposed to “use” him to be lead to christ, and then kick him to the curb?
 
he was the one who lead me out of every heresy. he has a great gift in history and discernment also, he sees falsehoods from truth (ironically also about himself but can’t act on that level), and has lead me countless times to where i am today. i would not be the woman i am now, in full obedience to god, as a woman embracing her femininity, away from her abusive family, if it wasn’t for him. what did all of that mean if not that he was supposed to be my husband?
 
everyone at the parish have met him and are beyond impressed about his competence and other great things about him, they’re surprised he hasn’t gone further. he does have merits from the past, things he has accomplished in life, but they mean progress recently.
 
his primary fault is that of the refusal to pick up his daily cross, so he takes all kinds of shortcuts to what feels good for his flesh. he knows this, yet he seems stuck in every way to even make a single effort in the right direction. he does go to all these appointments, doctors, job market and what ever, but nothing seems to inherently drive him to take that first step.
 
Goodness, you’ve lost perspective Misan. Who is kicking who to the curb? Many people think someone is “the one” and go through lots of good and bad times with them before realizing such a person may make a good friend but is NOT marriage material. You’ve gone through journeys together; be thankful to God for them! If you’ve led him to Christ, or he’s led you to Christ, wonderful! Thank God for that. But none of that means you are meant to marry this guy! We cannot advise you further as we don’t know the situation. You need to work on this by the advice given here, and also try to seek advice from those around you who may know the situation.
God’s ways are not our ways, however much we’d like to force God to do OUR will.
 
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Misan said:
If he wasn’t the one, why on earth did God intertwine us so badly we only have one another and have gone through all these journeys together?
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How do you think it was God who intertwined you? You have free will. You intertwined you
 
those around me, experienced, pious and faithful catholics, who are married themselves, tell me they would be greatly disappointed and frankly upset if we dont get married XD They’ve been the only sound voice i’ve had. Now there’s also you guys, your advice.
 
Misan said:
what did all of that mean if not that he was supposed to be my husband?
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It means that sometimes people are in our lives for a season. It means that people can have an influence on us for the better, but it doesn’t mean those people are destined to be a spouse. He’s a free agent here, and he is using his free will in a way that is incompatible with marriage and family. He will have to live with that if you decide that this is not right for you. You will have to live with it if you decide to move forward with marrying a man that you know can’t hold a job and is irresponsible with his health and with drugs.
 
Misan said:
those around me, experienced, pious and faithful catholics, who are married themselves, tell me they would be greatly disappointed and frankly upset if we dont get married
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No one should get married because of the expectations of others. It is unfair of them to make statements like this, pressuring you to marry because they would be disappointed. They don’t have to live with this dude
 
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well, because i was persecuted for dating him, and for the christian faith he introduced to me, i was forced to leave my family to cling onto him, at the time at least when i had nobody else, it’s only recently that i’ve met a few more people
 
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