Help! I know I'm called to marriage but i'm aging and my partner is far from ready!

  • Thread starter Thread starter Misan
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Misan said:
but thats what he sees everywhere.
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I have to challenge that because it is not literally everywhere. In fact, I would assert it’s hardly anywhere.
Misan said:
just look at youtube, every leading catholic on youtube
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Stay off You Tube then. It’s not the only source of Catholic teaching, and what he is watching may only be a narrow subset of Catholic people. In fact, apparently it IS a very narrow subset.
Misan said:
who is a family man, got tons of kids and makes a ton of money through tons of degrees
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For every one of those there are 1000 average people who are not on You Tube, don’t have tons of degrees, make normal amounts of money, and have or don’t have kids.
 
In many of you posts, you made complaints about how most of this stress in your life was because your boyfriend doesn’t want to get married now. It is as though you are putting all off on him, through him under the bus.
 
thank you for the reassurance. i’ll keep this in mind. it’s crazy, i can imagine, for him to have had such bad rolemodels himself, poor teaching/preparing in manhood, and then suddenly being faced with all these responsibilities a catholic man needs to have, i’m not surprised he fell backwards after he began the catechumens
 
doesn’t justify of course that i should stay with him, this is something else
 
Misan said:
but the problem here is he gets frightened off, then stops actively studying the faith, so he never learns in that case, what the real story is
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Then so be it. This is HIS decision to make.

Feeding him a distorted view of Catholic life via curated You Tube videos is worse than allowing him to go his own way regarding study of the faith.

There are hundreds of You Tube videos by PRIESTS who have zero kids and do not make gobs of money. Perhaps he should watch those. Fr Mike and Bishop Barron come to mind.
 
He needs to meet regular men in your parish, just the normal guys, young and old. Then he will get an understanding of how the average Catholic man works with his family. How the average good man, Catholic or not, works with his family. God never called us to succeed, he called us to try.
 
part of why i still havent left him is because i’ve realized more and more how many sins and wrong words that have come out of my mouth towards him that might have caused him to not be able to recover sooner, like all the interventions and what not, how perhaps had i kept quiet or spoken more mildly, more seldom and selectively before spewing out things that further worsens his performance anxiety, maybe things would look a little different
 
Misan said:
and then suddenly being faced with all these responsibilities a catholic man needs to have,
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I think he’s being faced with someone’s ideas (maybe yours?) but not actual Church teaching on the matter.

Because what you’ve written here regarding the number of children, him being the sole provider, blah blah blah – none of that is Catholic teaching
 
i see. there is a man at the parish, who is married to a woman, they have no kids, they’re in their 60s, and they both provide for the family income.
 
no wait…wait… i might also be guilty of this. giving him this picture. oooooooh now things are starting to make alot more sense.
 
God needs our willingness, our obedience, our submission. God knows we cannot be perfect here on earth so he does not expect perfection. God does not demand we succeed at everything we attempt, however he does want us to at least try if it is his will.

God does not demand all men to be like the men on those youtube videos. Yes God is happy when we are successful and give him praise for our success but he is not unhappy with us if we don’t succeed. God is just as happy with the man who doesn’t have any degree, works a ho hum job, makes enough to take care of his family and loves his family.
 
I haven’t followed the whole thread, but I think fears about fertility are way overblown these days. At your age you still have about 15 more years to have children
 
I didn’t meet my husband until I was 43. We were married less than 5 months after meeting because it’s true, when you Know, you really KNOW. While we’ve miscarried our first child, God-Willing we’ll have more. Gynecologist says it happens as women’s bodies continues to work normally well into late 40s. Definitely do Not settle for the wrong man because you want children. You can adopt a child while waiting for your future husband to reveal himself and have biological children later, once married to the right man for you.

Misan, seriously, I think of you’ve been dating for more than a few months and no marriage proposal OR after being engaged more than 6 months without a firm date set for a wedding, then he’s probably NOT the man God intends for you to marry. “Don’t waste your youth on someone not willing to commit.” is my firm Advice.
 
Misan, after the long thread of dialogue, I wonder whether part of your problem is having too much time to overthink everything to the death. If you haven’t got a paying job, perhaps look to volunteer work in the meantime. Charity and devoting ourselves to helping others in need is one very fertile virtue for the growth of faith, hope and love. When someone close to us sees us growing in godliness, it can be the very impetus to stir them into action as well. I get the feeling that you are stuck on a roundabout probably rehashing the same questions endlessly rather than jumping off and doing something different. God bless.
 
No thats not the case for me. I am constantly doing new and better things since the family crisis began. I have done charity work, and i have not had the ability to work due to health issues i had after i had to go through a certain kind of acute stress reaction to the trauma and abuse. But I have drastically improved in my devotion to God and he has seen what I do, but its not something that encourages him to do better, he just gets more stressed about his issues when he sees me advance.
 
Well in my case we couldnt count our dating in that same way, with that standard, because when we first met, i lived with my abusive muslim parents and he lived in another country, unable to even see me.
 
Misan said:
I also thought that some things have to be made ready before marriage, like a secure life and such and such, especially on the man’s side of things, before we’re allowed to get married. Is this true?
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The Church isn’t going to look into your financial or life security. As a matter of prudential judgment, if this guy isn’t mature enough to make a responsible husband and father, or otherwise isn’t doing what you want a husband to do, then you’re not “made for each other” and he might not change, so you might want to look for somebody else.
 
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