Help me by telling me about your marriage!

[Zzyzx_Road]

I’m in the same boat as the OP though it must be said I’m considerably less anxious and stressed about it than he is. Maybe that’s because I’ve seen at close range how difficult it is to be married, how difficult it is for many men to maintain the respect of their wives, how often divorce among those I know has been initiated by the wife, all that has sobered me right quick. All I can say is to have your own purpose in life and to do your best to be sociable. For me the latter is a lot more work than the former as I’m rather introverted. It helps to keep a positive outlook; no one likes a grump.

On having criteria for being open to single mothers, every unmarried man must determine for himself his limits in this regard and he should not apologize or otherwise feel bad for holding to those limits. This is especially important if he wants to have his own children.

 

[HelenRose]

How did you meet your spouse and how long did you date until you got married? Here is why I ask…

I am a 32 year old man and single. I have been having a hard time meeting women for the last several years that I have been a practicing Catholic. I came into The Church from Protestantism back in 2013. So far, every woman I have ever met through my parish is either already married, engaged or has a boyfriend. I have no prospects and I never do. I volunteer, I am active at my parish and nothing. I work in construction, which is 99.9% men. The only women any of my friends know are all women who have 2 or 3 children and pretty much did nothing throughout their 20’s except make babies out of wedlock. No thanks. I would date a single mother of 1 child but not a woman with several. Not to mention none of them are practicing Catholics.

I have been using online dating for years, with some success… One relationship, met several women and made some friends. The problem is that it takes a very long time to find another woman interested in me so as a result I get maybe 2 dates with 2 different women a year. And out of all of them so far, only one wanted to be with me and she was definitely the least knowledgeable Catholic of all of them. The practicing ones just seem so hard to get to give me a chance although we always connect so well on the spiritual level.

How did you meet your spouse? Maybe I can get some ideas.

Try a Catholic online dating service.

Here are the rules:
Tell the truth.
Take your time.

I know three very successful online marriages - my son’s marriage, my daughter’s marriage and my nephew’s marriage - all involved were in their middle to late thirties. The couples say the same thing. Tell the truth and take your time.

 

[HelenRose]

Interesting online questions.

Do you like animals?
It won’t work if one hates cats and the other wants five cats, three dogs and six children. which leads me to…
.
Do you want children?
Is your faith important to you?
Are you willing to move?

Do you laugh at the same things?
Do you agree with politics?

City or country?

 

[bitterhope]

My husband and I met at work. I know you said that it is unlikely you would since you’re in construction, but I was working in a “man’s job” at the time so you never know.

My cousin met her husband in her late 30’s after she accepted she would never marry. They met in the produce isle while grocery shopping of all things. He wasn’t Catholic, not even Christian, but they are very happy together and he has help to raise their kids Catholic.

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

Yes, many available women in their thirties could easily have a child(ren). Is there a reason you would be against a Catholic widow with a few kids?

That is different from a woman who has 3 kids 2 baby’s daddies and did nothing but collect welfare all through her 20s. You have to understand though, I have NO kids. I do not know how to be a parent. I cannot say the thought of instantly being a step father to 2 or 3 is not scary.

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

Try a Catholic online dating service.

Here are the rules:
Tell the truth.
Take your time.

I know three very successful online marriages - my son’s marriage, my daughter’s marriage and my nephew’s marriage - all involved were in their middle to late thirties. The couples say the same thing. Tell the truth and take your time.

I could have sworn I wrote in my Op that I utilize online dating. I have been for 4 years

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

It seems like your standards are too high. If you will only date the most devout Catholics, then you might have to keep waiting a while. If you will date other “less devout” Catholics, and really get to know them, you may realize they have more “marriage potential” than you once thought. I didn’t have luck with Catholics. They were either taken or discerning the priesthood. My husband is a holy, loving and generous Protestant Christian. Our marriage is happy and going on eleven years this February! You just never know where you’ll find true love.

How can you judge how high my standards are simply based on one post of a few paragraphs where the only women I said I did not want to date were women who did nothing but make babies out of wedlock all through their 20’s? Because those are the only women my friends have ever offered to introduce me to. That makes my standards too high? I am a hard working man, so what if I do not want to support a woman who made a career out of making babies and collecting welfare with several baby’s daddies?

No, my standards are practicing Catholic, not Catholic theologian. My ex girlfriend I met through online dating and we entered into a relationship fast. I did not know how devout or not she was at that point, I just knew she was trying to practice her faith. I realized afterward the the least devout girl I ever dated was the only one willing to be my girlfriend. I do not target women for dating on how devout they are.

 

[HelenRose]

I could have sworn I wrote in my Op that I utilize online dating. I have been for 4 years

I am sorry, I jumped the gun a bit.

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

But why couldn’t you have asked her this?

You’re welcome to your criteria, of course, but like I said, there’s a wide gulf between “not practicing” and “theology degree.” If you have a very high bar for “devoutness” and knowledge about the faith, you’re going to exclude a lot of eligible people. Obviously I wasn’t part of this relationship and I don’t know this woman, but seems to me like this really may have been a missed opportunity.

One fun thing about dating (and marriage, too) is doing things together and learning about things together. We don’t come prepackaged with everything already in place.

Another thing - if you’re very, very “churchy,” you can turn off people even with a lot of faith. What other hobbies or interests do you have?

You have no idea why me and this woman broke up. She initiated the break up.

I like history, I volunteer, I like going to the gym.

See a post or two ago about my “standards” of devoutness.

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

Just when I thought all was lost, this great guy showed up. I had totally given up. I was 35 years old, divorced with three very young children. I thought there was no use trying to date, what man would want a woman with three young children? And then, out of the blue, God sent him to me. We met through mutual friends. We dated four years and got married. We both received annulments and were received into the Church. (One of my proudest moments outside of the birth of my children) He came into my life when I thought I would live out my life alone and raise my children. I was not looking for him, but there he stood and I thank God every day for him.

I don’t know how to comfort you, Laughing Boy. I am so sorry you feel the way you do. I will pray for you as I can relate to how lonely it gets when you have so much love to give and no one to give it to. Please, whatever you do, don’t give up. Please know that there is someone out there for you and you will find her. I just know it.

Thank you. “I do not know how to comfort you but do not give up” is one of the best things I have heard, and it does comfort me. You get it. I am so glad that you found your spouse. And at 35, I am 32. Maybe it will just take a few more years. No, I will not give up.

 

[Convert_in_99]

Why are you getting so upset at us? You wanted our opinions and suggestions so that’s what we offered. No one was rude or mean. We all know how hard it is to be single too.

 

[HelenRose]

There has to be someone out there for you. There are wonderful women who would want a good hard working man.

I assume you have been praying to find someone. Try this: Pray for the woman who will be your wife. Ask God to protect her. Ask God that she will find you.

That is what my son’s wife did from the time she was 16. Every night she would pray for her future husband and ask God to keep him safe. She is from Mongolia and had no idea that she would find an ex-marine, divorced with two half grown boys and at the time they met he did not have a job and was living in Colorado. (she had been in the
States for about seven years and was looking for a Christian man) Needless to say her family was a bit skeptical at first. They are so happy together both have great jobs now and a building a wonderful Christ filled life together. She has been a good step-mom for the boys.

I figure that her prayers for all those years are what kept my son safe because he needed several guardian angels watching out for him and his boys… He was 38 when they met and she was 32.

 

[Xantippe]

How can you judge how high my standards are simply based on one post of a few paragraphs where the only women I said I did not want to date were women who did nothing but make babies out of wedlock all through their 20’s? Because those are the only women my friends have ever offered to introduce me to. That makes my standards too high? I am a hard working man, so what if I do not want to support a woman who made a career out of making babies and collecting welfare with several baby’s daddies?

No, my standards are practicing Catholic, not Catholic theologian. My ex girlfriend I met through online dating and we entered into a relationship fast. I did not know how devout or not she was at that point, I just knew she was trying to practice her faith. I realized afterward the the least devout girl I ever dated was the only one willing to be my girlfriend. I do not target women for dating on how devout they are.

Here’s a kind of crazy idea–are there any Catholic colleges or colleges with Newman Centers or parishes with lecture series in your area? Or are there any young adult Catholic reading groups that are tackling books you are interested in?

I would suggest going to all of the lectures or Catholic book groups that you are interested in in your area, especially the ones with receptions after the talks! That encourages people to linger and chat.

I think you’ll meet a better class (pardon the snobbish way that sounds) of woman if you do that. I met my future husband at a graduate/professional adult Catechism reading group at a Newman Center. Of course there were a number of graduate students in the group, but there were also just a lot of working adults who liked the group. I promise you, if you kind the kind of group I’m thinking of, you will not be the oldest person there.

 

[AdamP88]

I do not need to hear more about how I need to pray and be patient. That is what I have been doing for years. I hear it all the time. that it just makes me roll my eyes and shut down. I am already doing that. The purpose of this thread is for ideas on how to meet women. I am asking for water, do not give me gasoline

I think it’s of limited use to look for “ways to meet women”. I met my wife in a completely unexpected manner. Here on CAF! While I was in the Dominican novitiate! I had merely answered her question in the forums and we got chatting. I left the novitiate (for unrelated reasons) and we began to pray the rosary over the phone and got to know each other better. Now we’re married!

Often you can meet someone in a place you don’t expect at all.

 

[pensmama87]

You have no idea why me and this woman broke up. She initiated the break up.

I like history, I volunteer, I like going to the gym.

See a post or two ago about my “standards” of devoutness.

I’m sorry, this is clearly a really rough subject for you. I am just trying to help based on my own experiences. I’m not trying to accuse you of anything, just offering a different way to look at things that might be helpful going forward.

I think Xantippe had a good suggestion for you.

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

Why are you getting so upset at us? You wanted our opinions and suggestions so that’s what we offered. No one was rude or mean. We all know how hard it is to be single too.

I asked how everyone met their spouse so that I could maybe get ideas. That was what I asked. I was not rude or mean either. I clarified some things.

I said nothing about how hard it is to be single…

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

I’m sorry, this is clearly a really rough subject for you. I am just trying to help based on my own experiences. I’m not trying to accuse you of anything, just offering a different way to look at things that might be helpful going forward.

I think Xantippe had a good suggestion for you.

Ah, its okay.

It is just I asked for ideas on how to meet women and I did get some answers and what I also got was “Pray and be patient” and “You seem like your standards are too high”. Like I said, I asked for water and I got gasoline lol. It is okay. I am 32. Everyone I know has someone except me. I have been patient. I do pray. I need ideas.

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

I think it’s of limited use to look for “ways to meet women”. I met my wife in a completely unexpected manner. Here on CAF! While I was in the Dominican novitiate! I had merely answered her question in the forums and we got chatting. I left the novitiate (for unrelated reasons) and we began to pray the rosary over the phone and got to know each other better. Now we’re married!

Often you can meet someone in a place you don’t expect at all.

That is awesome. Good for you! That inspires me and give me hope, for sure.

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

I spent seven years purifying myself and recreating myself on my knees begging for help.

Infant of Prauge answered my prayers, finally, when I simplified my prayer request to, " Can I just have a date with him?" … I went in for donutes and my dear friend of 78 years asked me if she could play matchmaker. I said, sure, is he a good catholic? My advice, get to be friends with the old ladies. They have been around the block and know who’s who. Plus, those old gals can party. Plus, it drives them crazy to see miserable single ppl. Warning, they may not stop until they have succeeded have found you a mate.

Next thing I know she called his mama … he called me … we dated … got married … have two girls … have his parents aged with dimensia … and we still love each other and God.

That is great. I actually get along with a lot of older folks at my parish. I have more friends over the age of 40 at The Parish than folks my own age by a long shot. Although it is kind of limited to just interacting at The Parish. Not like we hang out outside of Church related stuff. I am always kind of hoping someone will have a niece or cousin or family friend about my age and want to introduce me. Maybe one day.

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

Here’s a kind of crazy idea–are there any Catholic colleges or colleges with Newman Centers or parishes with lecture series in your area? Or are there any young adult Catholic reading groups that are tackling books you are interested in?

I would suggest going to all of the lectures or Catholic book groups that you are interested in in your area, especially the ones with receptions after the talks! That encourages people to linger and chat.

I think you’ll meet a better class (pardon the snobbish way that sounds) of woman if you do that. I met my future husband at a graduate/professional adult Catechism reading group at a Newman Center. Of course there were a number of graduate students in the group, but there were also just a lot of working adults who liked the group. I promise you, if you kind the kind of group I’m thinking of, you will not be the oldest person there.

Young adults groups are out. I am not looking to date girls in their teens and early 20’s. Its hard to go to all these activities because I am a catechist, I get up a 4:45 every morning and I go to bed early to be able to get up at that time and I have Knights of Columbus obligations. Weekday stuff is out. Weekend stuff is something I can look into. I do not know where to really start to look for these things. My diocese website and newspaper have been worthless for me in that regard. The closest newman center I can think of is about 40 miles from me. But what would I do there?