Help me make sense of my sister and her BF

[SDMom]

My sister has been “dating” a guy for 3 years now. We (family) have yet to meet this guy, and I gave my sister an ultimatum tonight (either we meet your BF before September of this year, or he’s history in my book!). I was laughing when I said it, but she knew I was serious about it! Her excuse is that “with everything he has going on right now (new job, taking care of his elderly Grandma, etc?), he just can’t visit.” (we live an 8 hr drive / 1 1/2 hr flight away from him). I feel like that’s just an “excuse” on his part. Is this normal not to meet a “BF” after THAT many years of “dating?”

 

[pumpkinbeast]

My parents didn’t date for that long, but due to their circumstances (Mom living in Canada, and Dad in England[though he is Canadian as well, he was just working there]), they didn’t meet each other’s parents until Dad flew over for the wedding!

 

[1ke]

No, it’s not normal. There is something your sister wants to keep from you.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

My sister has been “dating” a guy for 3 years now. We (family) have yet to meet this guy, and I gave my sister an ultimatum tonight (either we meet your BF before September of this year, or he’s history in my book!). Now see, if I was your sister, that would make me purposely not allow family to meet him. I was laughing when I said it, but she knew I was serious about it! And why is it your place to meet your sister’s BF? Why do you get to say who she dates or that person is “history”?Her excuse is that “with everything he has going on right now (new job, taking care of his elderly Grandma, etc?), he just can’t visit.” (we live an 8 hr drive / 1 1/2 hr flight away from him). I feel like that’s just an “excuse” on his part. Is this normal not to meet a “BF” after THAT many years of “dating?” It very well could be.

After I brought home my first longtime BF as a young adult, I was petrified to bring home anybody else. My first serious BF had a corrected medical condition. In addition to the usual nonsense my father did, he made fun of the young man’s medical condition. My mother let it happen. Several siblings were allowed to chime in. I never married this young man, and we would have had a good life together. A big part of it was this rude teasing and harassment.

By the time I was 32, divorced, “annuled” and ready to marry again, I couldn’t put my now husband through the pain of meeting my family, esp. my father and two of my sisters. One of those sisters, when she was told, took it upon herself to go to my parents and inform them of my marriage. She made up lies and half-truths about him, including his town of origin and what his parents did for a living (Trust me- My FIL was never in the Outfit, and my MIL was never a socialite). She said she did it so that they would “appreciate” who he really was.

What a lot of families** think** is harmless, funny or just a getting-to-know-you ritual, others can see as harssment, intimidation, rude or obnoxious.

So- While from what I’ve seen of you online, you seem to be a very nice person , I have to ask, how can your extended family and you make your sister more comfortable so that she will allow you to meet her BF? And if you are the eldest, or older than this sister, how can you allow her the autonomy she apparently needs as an adult, so that she will feel comfortable bringing home her BF?

My:twocents:

 

[b_justb]

My sister has been “dating” a guy for 3 years now. We (family) have yet to meet this guy, and I gave my sister an ultimatum tonight (either we meet your BF before September of this year, or he’s history in my book!). I was laughing when I said it, but she knew I was serious about it! Her excuse is that “with everything he has going on right now (new job, taking care of his elderly Grandma, etc?), he just can’t visit.” (we live an 8 hr drive / 1 1/2 hr flight away from him). I feel like that’s just an “excuse” on his part. Is this normal not to meet a “BF” after THAT many years of “dating?”

I maybe am expressing an idea that is contrary to conventional thought by most posters. I don’t want to be rude, but it will be frank.

This is none of your business - butt out. If your sisters BF doesn’t visit then he doesn’t visit. Her life is not about what you want. Accept that he isn’t visiting and continue to love your sister and her BF no matter what. Maybe if you relax about everything the BF will pop in and wont that be a pleasant surprise; instead of him being guilted into visiting you and being resentful towards you and your family due to an ultimatum.

Again, not trying to be rude. Just offering a different look at it.

 

[shannyk]

Originally Posted by SDMom View Post
My sister has been “dating” a guy for 3 years now. We (family) have yet to meet this guy, and I gave my sister an ultimatum tonight (either we meet your BF before September of this year, or he’s history in my book!). Now see, if I was your sister, that would make me purposely not allow family to meet him. I was laughing when I said it, but she knew I was serious about it! And why is it your place to meet your sister’s BF? Why do you get to say who she dates or that person is “history”?Her excuse is that “with everything he has going on right now (new job, taking care of his elderly Grandma, etc?), he just can’t visit.” (we live an 8 hr drive / 1 1/2 hr flight away from him). I feel like that’s just an “excuse” on his part. Is this normal not to meet a “BF” after THAT many years of “dating?” It very well could be.

After I brought home my first longtime BF as a young adult, I was petrified to bring home anybody else. My first serious BF had a corrected medical condition. In addition to the usual nonsense my father did, he made fun of the young man’s medical condition. My mother let it happen. Several siblings were allowed to chime in. I never married this young man, and we would have had a good life together. A big part of it was this rude teasing and harassment.

By the time I was 32, divorced, “annuled” and ready to marry again, I couldn’t put my now husband through the pain of meeting my family, esp. my father and two of my sisters. One of those sisters, when she was told, took it upon herself to go to my parents and inform them of my marriage. She made up lies and half-truths about him, including his town of origin and what his parents did for a living (Trust me- My FIL was never in the Outfit, and my MIL was never a socialite). She said she did it so that they would “appreciate” who he really was.

What a lot of families think is harmless, funny or just a getting-to-know-you ritual, others can see as harssment, intimidation, rude or obnoxious.

So- While from what I’ve seen of you online, you seem to be a very nice person , I have to ask, how can your extended family and you make your sister more comfortable so that she will allow you to meet her BF? And if you are the eldest, or older than this sister, how can you allow her the autonomy she apparently needs as an adult, so that she will feel comfortable bringing home her BF?

My

I was thinking something along these lines too…All of us(siblings) that are old enough to have BF’s or GF’s postpone the meeting the family(mostly our parents) thing as long as humanly possible, for one thing because they are so …judgmental, and two, because if we do it too soon we won’t have a chance of having any kind of long term relationship. My mother has sent my sister’s BF’s a runnin on more than one occasion. BUT it could be the reverse too that she is hiding HIM from you and not the other way around.

SDMom is there any reason why she would feel uncomfortable introducing him to you and family? Or, do you get the sense she’s hiding him from you or he’s hiding himself for some reason?

 

[kage_ar]

An 8 hour drive - that is a long way. Your sister, does she travel to see him?

 

[juliasmith]

Why don’t you make the effort to go meet him, instead of waiting for him to make the trip to you. It is quite possible that he cannot get away for trip. It would be at least an overnight trip for him, I would think. I am certainly not going to make an 8 hour drive and then get back on the road the same day.
I think that if I wanted to meet my sister’s BF I would make the trip before I wrote him off.

 

[BillP]

Perhaps your sister is concerned that someone will be rude to him when they meet?

 

[SDMom]

An 8 hour drive - that is a long way. Your sister, does she travel to see him?

Yes, she travels at least once a month to see him. She is unemployed right now and “borrows” (never paid back) money from our parents to pay for her flight and trip. She has even sold DVD’s to go see him. I just think its rather selfish of him not to make **some **kind of effort to visit her, instead of her scraping up money each month to go see him.

 

[SDMom]

Perhaps your sister is concerned that someone will be rude to him when they meet?

Are you implying **I ** might be rude?

 

[duskyjewel]

Yes, she travels at least once a month to see him. She is unemployed right now and “borrows” (never paid back) money from our parents to pay for her flight and trip. She has even sold DVD’s to go see him. I just think its rather selfish of him not to make **some **kind of effort to visit her, instead of her scraping up money each month to go see him.

There’s the answer right there. They are not really dating. Your sister is living in a fantasy that she has a real relationship. The guy probably enjoys having her visit and getting his “jollies” a few times a year while having the freedom to do whatever he likes without being accountable to her the rest of the time.

Your sister is having this “relationship” because she is afraid of having a real, up close, daily interactive, accountable relationship with someone, for whatever reason. The guy is having this “relationship” with your sister because, for whatever reasons, he doesn’t want a real relationship either.

The dude could be married, carrying five or six honeys in the same fashion as your sister… you may not really want to meet him.

I think your energy would be better spent trying to help your sister figure out why this poor substitute is acceptable to her, and help her get past the barriers that keep her from a real relationship, before she wastes her life on this guy.

And your parents are doing her no favors in enabling her behavior. If she wants to spend all that money travelling, she should get a JOB.

 

[SDMom]

There’s the answer right there. They are not really dating. Your sister is living in a fantasy that she has a real relationship. The guy probably enjoys having her visit and getting his “jollies” a few times a year while having the freedom to do whatever he likes without being accountable to her the rest of the time.

Your sister is having this “relationship” because she is afraid of having a real, up close, daily interactive, accountable relationship with someone, for whatever reason. The guy is having this “relationship” with your sister because, for whatever reasons, he doesn’t want a real relationship either.

The dude could be married, carrying five or six honeys in the same fashion as your sister… you may not really want to meet him.

I think your energy would be better spent trying to help your sister figure out why this poor substitute is acceptable to her, and help her get past the barriers that keep her from a real relationship, before she wastes her life on this guy.

And your parents are doing her no favors in enabling her behavior. If she wants to spend all that money travelling, she should get a JOB.

Thanks. duskyjewel. You hit the nail on the head. Right on. That’s exactly why I want to meet HIM – it’s a complete fantasy relationship and I (her younger sister that has seen her through many failed relationships) think she is just wasting her time and energy on this guy!!! It saddens me to see her make such terrible life choices, when I know she deserves better.

I hope this sheds some light to the posters who asked why I thought my sister’s choice of boyfriends was any of my business.

May you all have a wonderful, blessed week … Thank you for your thoughts on this …

 

[LilyM]

Thanks. duskyjewel. You hit the nail on the head. Right on. That’s exactly why I want to meet HIM – it’s a complete fantasy relationship and I (her younger sister that has seen her through many failed relationships) think she is just wasting her time and energy on this guy!!! It saddens me to see her make such terrible life choices, when I know she deserves better.

I hope this sheds some light to the posters who asked why I thought my sister’s choice of boyfriends was any of my business.

May you all have a wonderful, blessed week … Thank you for your thoughts on this …

Again, how is this any of your business though? Unless she’s giving him your parents’ money or he’s physically or verbally abusing her in some way?

Look, I have four older sisters, most of 'em have dated losers at some point (as have I for that matter, and one married a loser too). You saying anything about it is not going to open up her eyes any quicker if she’s bound and determined not to see his flaws.

Besides which, if your sister struggles so hard to get the money to meet him who’s to say he’s on easy street and can afford to mosey on over your way at whim? 8 hour drive? 1 1/2 hour flight? That’s a substantial amount of time/money has to be spent to meet you - why? Who are you to him that he’s under any obligation to meet you?

 

[duskyjewel]

Gee. LilyM, if we are to love our neighbors as ourselves, aren’t we obligated to at least try to help a person who is damaging herself? Especially when that person is our sister, and family bonds do have special obligations…

Who is she to this guy? The caring sister of the woman he is using up.

 

[LilyM]

Gee. LilyM, if we are to love our neighbors as ourselves, aren’t we obligated to at least try to help a person who is damaging herself? Especially when that person is our sister, and family bonds do have special obligations…

Who is she to this guy? The caring sister of the woman he is using up.

Not to the extent of issuing ultimatums if you don’t get to meet the guy, sheesh. That’s a totally counter-productive thing to do, and steps over the line from caring to controlling.

We’re obliged to warn others, yes, if they’re doing something wrong. I don’t doubt the OP has already made her sister well aware of her opinions on the guy, in the lovely way that sisters do so that part is taken care of.

Beyond that the sister’s relationships are totally her own busines unless there’s proven (all the OP has is speculation at this point) physical or mental abuse going on.

 

[duskyjewel]

I don’t doubt the OP has already made her sister well aware of her opinions on the guy, in the lovely way that sisters do

Ha ha… very true. Probably the sister knows it’s going nowhere and doesn’t want to be reminded how foolish she’s being. Defensiveness is so bad for listening skills…

 

[SDMom]

Again, how is this any of your business though?

**Umm … because she is my SISTER and I feel like she is being USED and careless in her decisions. Sorry, I can’t just sit around and WATCH her make these awful decisions. **

Unless she’s giving him your parents’ money or he’s physically or verbally abusing her in some way?

Look, I have four older sisters, most of 'em have dated losers at some point (as have I for that matter, and one married a loser too). You saying anything about it is not going to open up her eyes any quicker if she’s bound and determined not to see his flaws.

And if I DON’T say anything, that’s suppose to open her eyes? I’d rather speak my mind then hold my tongue on this one. She’s my sister and I care enough about her to let her know that she’s making some bad decisions. Doesn’t mean I love her any less.

Besides which, if your sister struggles so hard to get the money to meet him who’s to say he’s on easy street and can afford to mosey on over your way at whim? 8 hour drive? 1 1/2 hour flight? That’s a substantial amount of time/money has to be spent to meet you - why? Who are you to him that he’s under any obligation to meet you?

 

[SDMom]

Not to the extent of issuing ultimatums if you don’t get to meet the guy, sheesh. That’s a totally counter-productive thing to do, and steps over the line from caring to controlling.

**OKAY, SO I NEED TO CLARIFY HERE ABOUT THE “ULTIMATUM” ISSUE. I said it to my sister, half jokingly, half seriously (as I had mentioned in my OP). She knew I was kidding about the ultimatum, but knew that I was serious that I wanted to meet him! I would never make him “history” in my book if I don’t meet him by x date … I was just trying to urge my sister to have her boyfriend visit sometime, rather than it always being the other way around **.

We’re obliged to warn others, yes, if they’re doing something wrong. I don’t doubt the OP has already made her sister well aware of her opinions on the guy, in the lovely way that sisters do so that part is taken care of.

Beyond that the sister’s relationships are totally her own busines unless there’s proven (all the OP has is speculation at this point) physical or mental abuse going on.

 

[LilyM]

Of course none of us wants to sit and watch people make bad decisions. And you haven’t just sat - you’ve told her she’s making a mistake. You’ve done all you can by doing that, trust me.

If you keep going on about it she’s more likely to want to continue the relationship at any cost, out of sheer stubborness and sheer determination to prove you wrong. That’s another lovely way sisters tend to have, in my humble experience

Bottom line is you can’t live her life for her, you can’t force her to do things or make decisions the way you would. I don’t suppose you’re lending her any money for these trips, at least talk to your parents about them not lending her anything. Then take a big deep breath, give it to God and let it go, at least for a while.