HELP ME! Spiritually going "down"

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Paris_Blues

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I’ve been attending Mass ever since I started RCIA (back in December 2004) and have been longing for Holy Communion ever since and I’ve been forcing myself to go to Mass no matter what! Now, it’s pure torture not being able to go up and recieve and I’ve been going up for the last 9 months and folding my arms as if I’m a corpse in a coffin and recieve a blessing from the priest…I have to say that even doing that is torture and everyone who sits up front look at me like I’m some crazy lunatic or something, how lovely! Unfortunetely, there are pews on both sides of the tabernacle (besides the main pews)and when I go up, yes, you can see their faces due to the postition of the pews being on left and right side so they can get a great look at whoever’s taking communion.

I finally can’t take it anymore…I’ve considered going to Mass a huge burden and an obligation (yet I’m not confirmed yet!)! I even leave work early to go on Saturday nights! I know this is terrible but I’ve done my thing long enough that I CAN’T (I repeat, CAN’T!) take this anymore. It’s pure torture and it hurts not to go up. I know this sounds so pity and pathetic but you guys don’t quite understand, or do you?:rolleyes:

I’ve prayed and prayed and prayed that this burden will be lifted but it doesn’t seem to be taken off me and I think even the priest is sick and tired of me going up there acting like a “dead corpse” and last Saturday when I went up, he didn’t do a thing, acted like I wasn’t there and I left Mass feeling worse than the worse. I finally was in enough spiritual agony so to speak that I finally made the worst prayer of my life: I said something like, “Lord, I can’t take this anymore and I don’t have the desire to go to Mass for awhile!” and ever since that, I’ve been struck with a terrible desire to leave the CC (that made it worse and a terrible thought came to mind: what if our Lord is kicking me out?) and who knows what to do, yet I still have a tiny, ity bity desire within me to keep on pursuing the CC but I cannot pursue that desire quite yet, not with the way I feel and all that.

I know you guys think I’m some kinda pathetic young lady who’s the most ignorant on Catholicism but I can’t keep this feeling in anymore! I’ve been kinda suffering with it for the last 8 or so months and I’m spitting it out right now to tell how much it actually hurts! I didn’t even want to go to RCIA Tuesday and I didn’t! What’s going on here? I pray but nothing’s working or whatever and I have the desire to give up! Heck, I have no desire to go to Mass this coming weekend…

You suggestions would really help!
 
Paris,

I’m sorry that you are facing these struggles. Why is it that you weren’t received into full communion this past Easter 05, if you started RCIA in December 04? When *can *you be received into the Church?
 
I also want to add that at the toward the end of Mass, I want to just leave due to me not being able to take Communion and all that but I don’t want to be disrespectful to the Church yet if I stay, I’m only hurting myself more! It’s one of those situations where you’re - and excuse my French but I’m making a point here - “damed if you do and damed if you don’t.”
 
Paris,

I still don’t quite understand. Are you enrolled in an RCIA program with that parish? Aren’t there any other RCIA members who go to mass?

Is there a rite of dismissal for those not yet baptized?
 
Verbum Caro:
Paris,

I’m sorry that you are facing these struggles. Why is it that you weren’t received into full communion this past Easter 05, if you started RCIA in December 04? When *can *you be received into the Church?
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Well, I guess I entered RCIA “too late” and I still had some questions and stuff about the Church so I was to be put in the Inquiry group - though I’m a candidate - and we did get a new, awesome RCIA director who is more “let’s not wait any longer, let’s get going” kinda guy and if you read one thread I posted, that should kinda answer your question!
 
Paris, this seems to be to some extent a cross you carry because of your responsive and somewhat volatile nature. As you know, becoming Catholic cannot be something one does during a season of fervor but must be the fruit of mature consideration.

This time of waiting and testing will pay off big time when you finally come into full Communion with the Church. This season is a great school of patience and humility (ask me! I KNOW!). It is VERY hard to be held back from the Sacraments. But the willingness to “do whatever it takes, and wait as long as it takes” is one of the signs of true conversion and commitment.
 
Verbum Caro:
Paris,

I still don’t quite understand. Are you enrolled in an RCIA program with that parish? Aren’t there any other RCIA members who go to mass?

Is there a rite of dismissal for those not yet baptized?
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I’ve been on this forum long enough that whoever has heard my feelings before knows what I’m talking about but for those who haven’t, I’ll just say that I’ve been in RCIA since last December 2004 and have been going to Mass and all that to get more comfortable with it and how they do it, etc. but now that I know the drill, I’ve been now wanting to stop going! We all know why!

But even our new RCIA director has even told me that he encourages all of us (Inquiry group) to attend Mass! Oh boy, now what?
 
I have felt this way about many things in life, both spiritual and not, at one point or another. And, the inclination is to just give up. But what I do when I’m having such attitudes is this:
  1. Remember how much something means/meant to me
  2. Think of all the times I enjoyed it
  3. Remember the times before when I felt so horrible and got over it
  4. Not make any big decisions until I can be level-headed and not emotional about it
  5. Know that good things are still to come and that giving up before I get what I want makes it a wasted effort, but sticking with it makes the reward that much greater
Thinking about these things always gets me through the touch times. I’m sorry to hear that you are going through this (and know what you mean about the looks people give you when you don’t receive Communion). Just stick with it. Sometimes it isn’t easy and rewarding, but just remember that you will get there in the end and the time you spent waiting will be nothing compared to the eternal reward you will get for your efforts.

Eamon
 
Well, can I just stay and listen to the homily and than leave as they’re having Communion? But if I do that, then it would be disrespectful and I DON’T want to do that! What else am I suppose to do? I DON’T want to have this attitude "well, I’ll stay so I wont be disrespectful as if it’s an obligation…I’d rather have the attitude, “Lord, I love you so much that no matter how I feel, I want to stay!” but I don’t so even if I pray something like that, it’s still the same!

Why aren’t we given the graces to have a respectful attitude toward our Lord and His Church when we ask for it when in contrast, we naturally have an attitude like, “oh, this is just an obligation… etc” Fore example, I’ll admit that I didn’t want to go to Mass and was like, why Lord should I go to Mass when I’m going to get tortured spiritually again" and I realized how selfish I was being and then prayed, Lord, please, I’m sorry, please give me the grace to love You more and want to go to Mass…" but then, nothing happened and I was upset the whole time at Mass and this and that and now I think, our Lord wants us to love Him and His Church but when we ask, why doesn’t He give us the grace to do so??? This is frustrating!!! I hate to say this but it’s like as if He’s playing games with us?
 
Paris,

Ok, thank you, I understand your situation a bit more.

Great advice from TurboEdvo. I remember what is was like going through my RCIA as well.

Your desire for the sacraments is a great grace, Paris! The frustration you feel at not being able to partake is totally normal. But be patient! You don’t have too much longer to wait.

Did you end up getting a sponsor? Have you talked to your sponsor about your frustrations?
 
Verbum Caro:
Paris,

Ok, thank you, I understand your situation a bit more.

Great advice from TurboEdvo. I remember what is was like going through my RCIA as well.

Your desire for the sacraments is a great grace, Paris! The frustration you feel at not being able to partake is totally normal. But be patient! You don’t have too much longer to wait.

Did you end up getting a sponsor? Have you talked to your sponsor about your frustrations?
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Well, I don’t know because last week RCIA was cancelled because our director lost his voice! And I didn’t go this week because I was too frustrated and was even tempted to not pursue Catholicism anymore due to the “downess” of how I was feeling, how crazy!

I’ll have to talk to the director next week and see if he found someone for me.
 
Why are you still in Inquiry? Can you move into the Catechetical part of the RCIA process? I can understand why you couldn’t come into the Church this past Easter, but now I would think you can move to the next level of RCIA, so you can come in at the next Easter vigil. Talk to your RCIA director about it. You should get a sponsor in the Catechesis which will be a great help and support for you.

Peace,
Linda
(RCIA catechist)
 
Well, with any luck, you will have a sponsor waiting for you. That should help, because a good sponsor should be able to encourage you and talk to you about what you are feeling.

Paris, I’m sorry, but I haven’t gone and read each of your previousposts on this board, so forgive my questions: I see you are a college student. Was there any discussion of you asking someone you know to be your sponsor? Or is one just going to be found for you?
Paris Blues:
I was too frustrated and was even tempted to not pursue Catholicism anymore
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Don’t worry. Catholicism will keep pursuing *you. 😉 *
 
Verbum Caro:
Well, with any luck, you will have a sponsor waiting for you. That should help, because a good sponsor should be able to encourage you and talk to you about what you are feeling.

Paris, I’m sorry, but I haven’t gone and read each of your previousposts on this board, so forgive my questions: I see you are a college student. Was there any discussion of you asking someone you know to be your sponsor? Or is one just going to be found for you?

Don’t worry. Catholicism will keep pursuing *you. 😉 *
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Don’t worry about it. I’ve asked questions and the answers were right in front of my face so to speak!😉

The RCIA director asked me if I knew anyone Catholic (no, and why would I since our society is so anti-Catholic as well as I hardly don’t know anyone in the parish I go to…it’s like walking into a resturant by yourself and you know no one yet you eat just like everyone else) and after I told him no, he said he would try to find a sponsor for me but haven’t talked about it since. I hope that he’ll find me one.
 
Paris,

Maybe instead of going up for a blessing at Communion, you can recite this prayer instead. You might feel more comfortable doing this and avoid feeling so self conscious by going up to the altar.

**An Act of Spiritual Communion

My Jesus, I believe that Thou art present in the Blessed Sacrament. I love Thee above all things and I desire Thee in my soul. Since I cannot now receive Thee sacramentally, come at least spiritually into my heart. As though thou wert already there, I embrace Thee and unite myself wholly to Thee; permit not that I should ever be separated from Thee. Amen.

Saint Alphonsus Maria de Liguori **

Another thing that may help is to find out things going on in your parish and becoming more actively involved. This would allow you to make some friends and feel more comfortable in church. There are always committees or groups that would welcome you openly.

Sometimes our faith is tested and perhaps this is what is happening to you. Please stay with it and you will experience the ultimate joy when you are finally able to receive Jesus at Communion. My prayers are with you! May the Holy Spirit lift you up and help you through this struggle. It IS worth it!
 
ParisBlues,

I am not familiar with previous threads of yours but reading through this one I can’t get past the “what about me?” undercurrent throughout.

Please don’t take this the wrong way - it’s an observation more than anything else but your posts speak about your feeling left out, your not being answered (He does answer, just often not in ways we expect), your not wanting to endure the pain of hanging around after communion.

We gather to give praise and honor to God. He shows His appreciation for our taking the time out to be with Him by bestowing Graces upon us for our sincerity, but it’s all about Him, really.

The entire mass is structured around giving, not receiving. We give greetings, we give up our sins, we give up our prayers for others, we give forgiveness to those around us, we give ourselves to Christ at Communion in order to receive Him, and then we give blessings to each other as we leave God’s house until we meet again.

Next time you go to mass and find yourself wondering what’s in it for me? What am I getting out of this, or not getting out of this, please…stop your train of thought and redirect it to Christ.

What is HE getting out of your being there in that moment? What are you giving Him in that moment? By approaching the priest at Communion with your arms crossed you are saying to Him, “I give myself to you today, this moment, so that one day you may receive me completely by granting me the priviledge of participating in the Eucharist. Thank you for inviting me.” After that, reflect on how wonderful it is that you are invited to the Feast and be thankful for this opportunity. Ask yourself how you plan to **give **more of yourself to Christ through others in your life when you leave the church in a few minutes and until you return next week. Then certainly stick around to give your blessing to the priest and the altar servers and those around you - for they need your support.

I think when you start viewing the mass as something you **participate **in rather that just “take in”, something which needs you to give along with everyone else there in order to make the whole thing so special, you may appreciate it more and before you know it you will be receiving the Eucharist.
 
Paris Blues:
So should I just leave early or not even go?
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GO and STAY.
He wants you there.
He needs you there.
He loves you and would miss you if you stayed away,
and He would be hurt if you left before He could thank you for coming and give you His grace until you return.
 
Maybe there is a purpose in this waiting.

Consider our Lord, the fasting and temptation he submitted to before his public ministry to many who wouldn’t accept him.

Consider the patience and pain of our Lord knowing what he had to endure in his Passion. I was not over in the wink of an eye, but a long painful process. Consider his rejection, humiliation, failure in the eyes of some of those he left behind.

Accept the pain of your situation as an opportunity to begin carrying your cross…but don’t lose faith. Do everything those have suggested but keep your eye on the goal no matter how long it takes.

May God Bless you and keep you.
 
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YinYangMom:
ParisBlues,

I am not familiar with previous threads of yours but reading through this one I can’t get past the “what about me?” undercurrent throughout.

Please don’t take this the wrong way - it’s an observation more than anything else but your posts speak about your feeling left out, your not being answered (He does answer, just often not in ways we expect), your not wanting to endure the pain of hanging around after communion.

We gather to give praise and honor to God. He shows His appreciation for our taking the time out to be with Him by bestowing Graces upon us for our sincerity, but it’s all about Him, really.

The entire mass is structured around giving, not receiving. We give greetings, we give up our sins, we give up our prayers for others, we give forgiveness to those around us, we give ourselves to Christ at Communion in order to receive Him, and then we give blessings to each other as we leave God’s house until we meet again.

Next time you go to mass and find yourself wondering what’s in it for me? What am I getting out of this, or not getting out of this, please…stop your train of thought and redirect it to Christ.

What is HE getting out of your being there in that moment? What are you giving Him in that moment? By approaching the priest at Communion with your arms crossed you are saying to Him, “I give myself to you today, this moment, so that one day you may receive me completely by granting me the priviledge of participating in the Eucharist. Thank you for inviting me.” After that, reflect on how wonderful it is that you are invited to the Feast and be thankful for this opportunity. Ask yourself how you plan to **give **more of yourself to Christ through others in your life when you leave the church in a few minutes and until you return next week. Then certainly stick around to give your blessing to the priest and the altar servers and those around you - for they need your support.

I think when you start viewing the mass as something you **participate **in rather that just “take in”, something which needs you to give along with everyone else there in order to make the whole thing so special, you may appreciate it more and before you know it you will be receiving the Eucharist.
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Yes, and that’s another thing I was concerned about too. I DON’T want it to be about me! It’s about our Lord and all! But on the other hand, I guess you can keep your eyes on our Lord the whole time through Mass and hopefully I can get through it…

That’s another thing too…I know we all once in awhile think, what about me, my me and this and that when we should be focusing on our Lord. But I’ve prayed something like that, like Lord, help me die to myself… but nothing happens! What am I doing wrong? I KNOW that God’s time is not our time yet you also want to humble. Doesn’t God want us to be humble? Yes but when we ask for it, why doesn’t it happen? Is it because we expect things to happen quick or is there a reason why we’re not given the grace at that moment?
 
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