Help! My husband is leading a double life

[kyria]

I used to get onto chat places on the net and the number of men coming on who turned out to be married was amazing. My brother has just had to have counselling due to accessing porn on the net in order to save his marriage.

My former husband would access stuff on the net that was pornographic and he had affairs at work and was very protective of his phone. Even when I confronted him about one obviously suss text from a woman he worked with which pretty much alluded to the fact something sexual had occured between them, my husband made out like I was the one with the issue.

I found out that he would go to work and make out I wasn’t a good wife, that I didn’t do housework, that I preferred to study then be with him (I only studied one arvo a week) etc and I honestly believe it was his way of trying to justify his actions by making out in his head he had a bad marriage and also to gain sympathy from women.

Many men like to create a different persona online, via emails, chat etc. but this stuff can be quite addictive. A lot will get online late at night when the spouse is asleep, access porn etc whilst at work. Some even get another phone that they keep secret. My husband put a password on his phone so I couldn’t access it. And he possibly had another email I wasn’t aware of.

I actually wasn’t sure if I was simply being paronoid, but after my marriage ended, I eventually faced the fact that my gut feelings were correct.

My sister in law confronted my brother and he had to go to counselling. Not all men will agree to this. Not all men will even admit they are up to no good. Speak to your husband and see what he is willing to do about this and don’t let him turn the tables onto you, that you are being paronoid etc.or that you are forcing him to be secret etc. Either he wants this marriage and will fight for it and do something about his problem, or he doesn’t.

Good luck and God Bless

 

[Dlam88]

The unfortunate reality is that Kyria is not alone here. This is far too common and the more I attend Mass at differnet Parishes ( Im in the military and move around a lot) I see fewer and fewer 20-40 year old married men, but there is certainly enough married wives and mothers there. I hope to God that these men can mature enough to see the second and third order effects of their sophmorish choices.

I pray those of you who suffer from the “slings and arrows of outrageous foolishness” are somehow healed by the example of Christ and His Holy Saints. God Bless you all…surely your reward is in Heaven.

 

[Rosary_girl]

Thank you to everyone that replied to my post. I feel very supported here on this site. I also want to thank everyone for the prayers and advise. This is such a confusing time in my life and I am trying to hang in there for my daughter who is only ten. She is trying to keep it together too, but I see changes in her as well.

I have news, my husband called me to tell me that he has again been counseled about his production level. This doesn’t worry me because I know that it is all in God’s hands. Maybe this is God’s way of instructing him? I will never know, but in the mean time I feel peace, love and support from all of you that replied.
God bless you all and you are all in my prayers as well!

 

[Rosary_girl]

True enough. A priest would be able to ascertain whether or not therapy is the best option. I always recommend a priest first because (a) he is more likely to respect the indissolubility of marriage, (b) he’s free, and (c) it can seem less intimidating to just set up a meeting with a priest than to start setting up appointments with therapists (or maybe that’s just me). If therapy seems necessary, he can probably point the person towards someone who is likely to respect the individual’s faith.

Unfortunately, I did go to my parish priests all three of them and two did not want to get involved and the other blamed me when I went to see him on my own. However, one did suggest Catholic Charities for a counselor. I called and the counselor never called back.

 

[Rosary_girl]

I have no wisdom in the field of marriage, but I can and will be praying for you and your marriage

Thank you for your prayers they are very much appreciated! You are in my prayers as well!

 

[Rosary_girl]

I will pray for you. That’s a tough situation to be in. When the lines of communication aren’t flowing freely, it’s tough to make forward progress.

Is your husband also Catholic? Have you tried discussing this with a priest? Have you tried initiating affection with him? What was his response?

Not that you have to answer all these questions here. I’m just raising them as questions to ask yourself, not questions I need to know the answer to.

I think setting aside time at home as “no phone time” would be healthy, but you’d probably have to be careful about how and when you pitched such an idea. Maybe you could work up to such an idea or pitch it in a positive way. Perhaps make Friday night a “date night” where the two of you go out (or stay in) and have no distractions: no computers, no phones, no TVs – just the two of you spending time with each other.

I would recommend seeking the counsel of a priest. They’re trained to handle these things.

No my husband is not a catholic and he has never been baptized in any faith. He attends mass with me and my daugther as much as he can due to work. At one time he was thinking about RCIA I do not know how serioius but because of work it did not work out. I tried to get help from our parish priests and all but one tried to help and that did not actually work out when I went to see him alone first. In the mean time, this retired priest had to relocate for a three month period to another parish because the pastor at another parish had to go on and extended leave. I am very involved in my parish and all the priests know me because I attend daily mass regularly and as I said I am very involved. I do not blame the priests there are many people out there that are having many more severe problems than I am having.

 

[Rosary_girl]

I had a sort of really bad problem that lasted for nearly 12 years with my husband and it waa awful i lost my faith for nearly 7 years and i really needed help so i went and got a novena to the Holy Spirit and then was drawn by God to the Saint Joseph devotion book… i began with the Holy cloak which is said for 30 days every day!! and my problem disappeared 9 days into the novena…
he came down the stairs as i was reading my prayer book and told me that he would talk about this stuff no more it was over and done with… that was november last year and so far he has never brought the problem up to me again…
i told Saint Joseph that by my husband words were eating at my soul and i needed it to stop… and it did…

My family have been very blessed by the intercession of this saint…He is the head of the most Holy Family… pray to him
Jesus will refuse his earthly parents nothing…

Thank you so much for this advise. I had started praying to St. Joseph and lit candles in front of his statue. I too heared St. Joseph’s call, but it wasn’t until I read you post did I know about the 30 day novena. I started it last night, and I am starting to see a difference! Thank you and God Bless you! You are in my prayers.

 

[Joe_5859]

Unfortunately, I did go to my parish priests all three of them and two did not want to get involved and the other blamed me when I went to see him on my own. However, one did suggest Catholic Charities for a counselor. I called and the counselor never called back.

Sorry about that. You could try being persistent and call every day. It’s unfortunate that you would have to do that, but hopefully you’d get through eventually.

I know in some cases, the counselors helping out at Catholic Charities are volunteering in their off-hours. So they might not be as prompt as we’d want.

 

[Rosary_girl]

Sorry about that. You could try being persistent and call every day. It’s unfortunate that you would have to do that, but hopefully you’d get through eventually.

I know in some cases, the counselors helping out at Catholic Charities are volunteering in their off-hours. So they might not be as prompt as we’d want.

Hi Joe,
I was unaware that they volunteer their time. Thank you for that information. I will try again on Monday.
God Bless you!

 

[Rosary_girl]

No. You’re not. And he probably does not want you to believe you’re crazy either, but his behavior is nonetheless driving you to that point. I get it. Trust me I do because I was and am that guy.

The women were not real. There was no chatting. But there was pornography. There was a lot of it. There was waking up early in the morning to go on the laptop. I went so far as to not password ANYTHING so as to appear “open” but my traces all deleted themselves. Until one day I “screwed up,” my wife found out and ran a program that essentially un-erases files. You can imagine how well that went over.

The truth is I was addicted, pure and simple. Probably had a lot to do with my childhood but I’m man enough to say I did not embrace the Lord enough to ensure I did not fall into the same pit my father did. Sadly, your husband is probably addicted in a different manifestation. It might be sex addiction. It might be “attention addiction” which some groups classify as “love addiction.” Sometimes there’s nothing beyond some flirty words, that is to say there is no actual in-person adultery, but that’s enough to get him “high” and to betray you.

I didn’t want my wife to feel like she was crazy. I told her the problem was me, over and over again. I said I was having major faith crises and it was feeding my anxiety. All these things were true… except I left out the part that the porn was what was causing my faith crisis and my anxiety.

I cannot counsel you as to what to do. All I can say is that addiction is real and other people can’t fix it. The addict has to make the choice to turn his life over to God (a choice we all have to make really) and take concrete steps to get rid of temptation. I personally have a junk phone with no Internet access and the computer at home is locked away from me completely. I only go on it when my wife is literally in the room; otherwise it’s just at work which is in front of a lot of people and is heavily filtered.

I can also say that addiction can be broken. It’s a long, painful journey but one that leads to a much better life. I’ve got some months under my belt and there’s plenty of people in my local group with more than a year and folks on the support group on CAF that have even longer.

God protect your spirit and your mind.

Hi Bucket,
Thank you so much for you information and I will keep you in my prayers in your continued recovery.

However, I have a few questions, you spoke about a love addiction. Could this type of addiction turn into another form of an addiction? What is your advise to me to approach him?

 

[Rosary_girl]

I used to get onto chat places on the net and the number of men coming on who turned out to be married was amazing. My brother has just had to have counselling due to accessing porn on the net in order to save his marriage.

My former husband would access stuff on the net that was pornographic and he had affairs at work and was very protective of his phone. Even when I confronted him about one obviously suss text from a woman he worked with which pretty much alluded to the fact something sexual had occured between them, my husband made out like I was the one with the issue.

I found out that he would go to work and make out I wasn’t a good wife, that I didn’t do housework, that I preferred to study then be with him (I only studied one arvo a week) etc and I honestly believe it was his way of trying to justify his actions by making out in his head he had a bad marriage and also to gain sympathy from women.

Many men like to create a different persona online, via emails, chat etc. but this stuff can be quite addictive. A lot will get online late at night when the spouse is asleep, access porn etc whilst at work. Some even get another phone that they keep secret. My husband put a password on his phone so I couldn’t access it. And he possibly had another email I wasn’t aware of.

I actually wasn’t sure if I was simply being paronoid, but after my marriage ended, I eventually faced the fact that my gut feelings were correct.

My sister in law confronted my brother and he had to go to counselling. Not all men will agree to this. Not all men will even admit they are up to no good. Speak to your husband and see what he is willing to do about this and don’t let him turn the tables onto you, that you are being paronoid etc.or that you are forcing him to be secret etc. Either he wants this marriage and will fight for it and do something about his problem, or he doesn’t.

Good luck and God Bless

Hi Kyria,
I have a question, the married men that used to go to the chat sites did some speak explicitly about certain issues? Did some of them try to hook up with people on the site? I apologize for being so graphic, but I am trying to understand my husband’s behavior.

 

[The_Bucket]

Hi Kyria,
I have a question, the married men that used to go to the chat sites did some speak explicitly about certain issues? Did some of them try to hook up with people on the site? I apologize for being so graphic, but I am trying to understand my husband’s behavior.

May I suggest not asking so many questions about trying to “understand” him? To be blunt, there’s nothing to understand except that if this is indeed happening, it’s terribly wrong and must stop immediately. There’s also nothing you can do to fix it if he’s really addicted and the scenarios you spell out are of someone who is thoroughly addicted.

You do what is best for yourself and your family. He can either choose to stay in the addiction or not. In my group we always repeat that there was a time that we “stood at the turning point.” Well, you don’t need to understand what’s going on. You need to create a turning point and he makes the decision. Period and full stop.

 

[Bill_7154]

People can change. Your husband can change. Do you think he is cheating in real life? For me that would change things. If it is just on the phone and internet I would not put nearly as much worry into it (not condoning it here). It would be like looking at playboy or something along those lines. Nowadays with modern media, there is a lot of this social networking going on.

I suggest patience and trying to communicate your feelings honestly with him without over reacting or arguing/raising your voice. It is common for people to drift apart as the years of marriage go on, it won’t be like the first year, or when your dating. You can try to you understand if he is flirting with people over the phone it is not the same as cheating, but the lying about it makes it much worse and want him to be honest with you.

Unfortunately we can’t make other poeple change. And arguing with him will drive him further into that behavior. For me, it would be very important to know if it is just on the phone/computer or if any real life things are happening. None of it is ideal, I understand that.

There was a period where my marriage was going badly and I went on a dating site and flirted with women. I had no intent of cheating but for some reason choose that as a way of coping with the marriage problems. Now I’m in Church and have my Faith back and don’t do that anymore. I do occasionally look at pictures of women on the internet. But I love my wife and am devoted to her.

We each have our own ways of coping with problems. And I’m not surprised he is lying about it. Marriage is a lot of work. When communication breaks down that leaves huge problems. I suggest you try to work on improving communication as a first step. And if your committed to trying to make the marriage work I suggest you practice patience and understanding. If you come at him with anger (justified or not) it will further break down the communication and he will probably do more of the behavior your concerned about.

I wish you the best of luck. My marriage has its ups and downs and there were periods where I planned to leave, and at one point did leave for 1-2 months. We both try to work to accept each other’s weaknesses/faults and try to be patient with each other around those things. And we try to improve our communication. It has been a struggle but things are getting better. At some points in the past I was certain divorce was going to happen. So there is hope. I wish you the best. Consider counseling for yourself so you have an outlet and possibly could get some advice as to how to approach your husband about this and try to address it from a professional who may have some good ideas. In any event I think an outlet for you to vent and learn to cope better could be helpful.