P
probleman
Guest
We’ve been married for a little over a decade. We were very secular, and we got into many sexual habits not realizing they were wrong (and even being encouraged by media and popular culture).
Also I was abusive to my wife and children in the past, although I’ve since paid the penalty for it and learned better, and I’m no longer abusive. The abuse caused her a lot of pain. My time in jail caused her a lot of pain.
Then we became Christians, and tried to give up all immoral sex acts. But we had different times when we were each stronger. At first it was me and she had a hard time. But now it is her who is strong and I have the hard time. So every time I struggle with masturbation or pornography or asking her to do some immoral sex act, it causes her pain. And sometimes in the past I’ve tried to sneak them into our intimacy without her consent. Don’t get me wrong, I know these are wrong things. But at the time, I let myself believe the devil’s lie that my wife would be okay with it if she was presented with the idea.
But all these pains are adding up cumulatively. Every few months I slip up (it’s a smaller and smaller slip up each time). But each time, she suffers more than the last time. It adds up to the point where yesterday I simply mentioned that I was tempted to do one of those things (I didn’t’ actually do it though). And she was shaking and crying and completely unable to do any of her motherly duties all day, instead watching television on the couch all day and practically neglecting the children (she homeschools them, and this is very unusual behavior for her, usually reserved for one of these instances).
On these times, she repeatedly tells me that during the rest of our good times (which are much more often than these bad times) that she’s actually faking being happy and that she’s hurt inside and constantly remembering all the pain even when smiling. She says she’s trusted me over and over, too many times, and she just can’t let herself do it again because she can’t risk more pain and suffering.
But I firmly believe that her holding onto the pain is what’s keeping it around, her lack of trust in God to heal her and her lack of faith that unjust suffering is a special bond with Christ. Yes, coming from me (the one who caused her suffering) this doesn’t mean anything to her and sounds hypocritical as if I were trying to put the blame off me. But in my Catholic education I know that this is the truth, regardless of who tells it.
And especially when you consider that the smallest things set her off like this. Before yesterday, the last time this happened was a month ago, when I told her how I had bypassed our porn filter and gave her instructions on how to prevent me from doing it again. That set her into a downward spiral that left her unable to do anything for our children or barely even for herself for a whole week, not talking to anyone. I gave her space because she asked for it, but she didn’t get any better.
The point I’m making is that her pain builds up cumulatively, so that any time I do the smallest thing that would normally cause the smallest amount of pain to her, she suddenly feels the pain from every single thing I’ve ever done to hurt her, and it overwhelms her to the point where she said she feels “numb inside” and “I didn’t even think it was possible to be in this much pain” and such.
Yesterday I told her that I need room to be able to make small slip ups. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t mean that I’m trying to be presumptuous or licentious. What I mean is, it’s unbearable for both of us if when I make a small slip up, she’s in that much pain. Every time I slip up, the first thing on my mind is how to prevent a gigantic downward spiral within her that lasts weeks and causes both of us and our children to suffer. The first thing on my mind should be to address my own sins and their causes and figure out how to avoid it in the future and pray for repentance. So, it’s backwards. I’m not given any room to grow and learn from my mistakes, because I’m constantly dealing with trying to stop her nuclear bomb from exploding every time and getting bigger than last time.
Honestly I’m at my wit’s end as to what to do. 90% of the time our marriage is great and fine. We’re generally both very selfless and try to do things the other person likes. We make efforts to help each other and the children in all areas of life.
But she doesn’t do a whole lot of spiritual reading. She prefers to sit and watch cake shows at night before bed. And every time I’ve told her that I feel God calling me to ask her to real some spiritual works daily, she says she’s okay with it but never actually does it. Whenever she gets into one of these giant downward spirals, she refuses to listen to anything I say, even rejecting my authority as head of the household.
She said last night that she prays before/during/after being hurt by me (she speaks as if it’s in the present even though she’s actually referring to past instances, considering how minor my present sins) and she said that she feels like God just doesn’t care about her, considering that God just lets her get hurt. I tried to make an analogy about how Mary suffered watching her own innocent son die humiliatingly and excruciatingly with nothing she could do to help him, even though she was innocent and never sinned to deserve such pain. But it didn’t seem to help.
I hit the limit on this post. More to come in a second, hold on…
Also I was abusive to my wife and children in the past, although I’ve since paid the penalty for it and learned better, and I’m no longer abusive. The abuse caused her a lot of pain. My time in jail caused her a lot of pain.
Then we became Christians, and tried to give up all immoral sex acts. But we had different times when we were each stronger. At first it was me and she had a hard time. But now it is her who is strong and I have the hard time. So every time I struggle with masturbation or pornography or asking her to do some immoral sex act, it causes her pain. And sometimes in the past I’ve tried to sneak them into our intimacy without her consent. Don’t get me wrong, I know these are wrong things. But at the time, I let myself believe the devil’s lie that my wife would be okay with it if she was presented with the idea.
But all these pains are adding up cumulatively. Every few months I slip up (it’s a smaller and smaller slip up each time). But each time, she suffers more than the last time. It adds up to the point where yesterday I simply mentioned that I was tempted to do one of those things (I didn’t’ actually do it though). And she was shaking and crying and completely unable to do any of her motherly duties all day, instead watching television on the couch all day and practically neglecting the children (she homeschools them, and this is very unusual behavior for her, usually reserved for one of these instances).
On these times, she repeatedly tells me that during the rest of our good times (which are much more often than these bad times) that she’s actually faking being happy and that she’s hurt inside and constantly remembering all the pain even when smiling. She says she’s trusted me over and over, too many times, and she just can’t let herself do it again because she can’t risk more pain and suffering.
But I firmly believe that her holding onto the pain is what’s keeping it around, her lack of trust in God to heal her and her lack of faith that unjust suffering is a special bond with Christ. Yes, coming from me (the one who caused her suffering) this doesn’t mean anything to her and sounds hypocritical as if I were trying to put the blame off me. But in my Catholic education I know that this is the truth, regardless of who tells it.
And especially when you consider that the smallest things set her off like this. Before yesterday, the last time this happened was a month ago, when I told her how I had bypassed our porn filter and gave her instructions on how to prevent me from doing it again. That set her into a downward spiral that left her unable to do anything for our children or barely even for herself for a whole week, not talking to anyone. I gave her space because she asked for it, but she didn’t get any better.
The point I’m making is that her pain builds up cumulatively, so that any time I do the smallest thing that would normally cause the smallest amount of pain to her, she suddenly feels the pain from every single thing I’ve ever done to hurt her, and it overwhelms her to the point where she said she feels “numb inside” and “I didn’t even think it was possible to be in this much pain” and such.
Yesterday I told her that I need room to be able to make small slip ups. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t mean that I’m trying to be presumptuous or licentious. What I mean is, it’s unbearable for both of us if when I make a small slip up, she’s in that much pain. Every time I slip up, the first thing on my mind is how to prevent a gigantic downward spiral within her that lasts weeks and causes both of us and our children to suffer. The first thing on my mind should be to address my own sins and their causes and figure out how to avoid it in the future and pray for repentance. So, it’s backwards. I’m not given any room to grow and learn from my mistakes, because I’m constantly dealing with trying to stop her nuclear bomb from exploding every time and getting bigger than last time.
Honestly I’m at my wit’s end as to what to do. 90% of the time our marriage is great and fine. We’re generally both very selfless and try to do things the other person likes. We make efforts to help each other and the children in all areas of life.
But she doesn’t do a whole lot of spiritual reading. She prefers to sit and watch cake shows at night before bed. And every time I’ve told her that I feel God calling me to ask her to real some spiritual works daily, she says she’s okay with it but never actually does it. Whenever she gets into one of these giant downward spirals, she refuses to listen to anything I say, even rejecting my authority as head of the household.
She said last night that she prays before/during/after being hurt by me (she speaks as if it’s in the present even though she’s actually referring to past instances, considering how minor my present sins) and she said that she feels like God just doesn’t care about her, considering that God just lets her get hurt. I tried to make an analogy about how Mary suffered watching her own innocent son die humiliatingly and excruciatingly with nothing she could do to help him, even though she was innocent and never sinned to deserve such pain. But it didn’t seem to help.
I hit the limit on this post. More to come in a second, hold on…
) When you fail (which you will), you don’t give up but try again. The reality is that your addictions and behaviors have eroded the foundation of your marriage. You will have to do a lot to convince your wife that the marriage is worth saving. It is not your wife’s fault if she doubts that you are sincere. Many men (and women) make false promises to their spouses, then blame the spouse when they fail to live up to those promises. That reality is probably what drives comments like those to your wife that she should divorce you (she also may have a very different view of your problems than you do, and that doesn’t mean one of you has to be wrong!)