Help others who suffer like I once suffered

[Anglewannabe]

Often when someone goes through a bad time, they will seek out someone who once went through a similar experience for help. And often when someone has come out of a bad experience they are more than happy to help someone who is suffering like they once suffered. A great charitable thing to do.

Well, I have certain experience that I have gone through that were unpleasant to put it lightly. And the truth is, I am so worn out by those experiences and I am so glad they are over, I don’t want to think about them. If someone was to ask me for help because they are now experiencing the same thing, I would not want to help them and I would say ‘I am sorry you have to go through this but I cannot help you. I will pray for you but I really would appreciate that you no longer talk about this in front of me’.

My attitude isn’t the kind of stuff fairy tales are made of but it is the God’s honest truth. Also because when I was going through these hard times people would say what they thought would be helpful but the reality is, they would just hurt me. I would rather say nothing than hurt someone.

I told this to a Catholic lady and she said that she went through a lot of bad experiences and she now knows why God made her go through those things. Well, as much as I am happy that she has the answer to her question ‘why’, I went through a lot of things I don’t know why God put me through and I have learnt I need to accept I might not know why until the next life. And I told her it was a relief because I am no longer running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to find out why but I am leaving it in God’s hands. Well, she said that she needs to know why. I am not knocking her, but I do feel like I was not understood.

So I guess I am wondering if anyone else feels like me?

Also, I just want to mention I am NOT a malicious person. I would not wish my sufferings on my worst enemy. But I just don’t have it in me to help some people go through what I went through. All I have is prayers which don’t seem like enough

Angie

 

[Annie39]

Often when someone goes through a bad time, they will seek out someone who once went through a similar experience for help. And often when someone has come out of a bad experience they are more than happy to help someone who is suffering like they once suffered. A great charitable thing to do.

Well, I have certain experience that I have gone through that were unpleasant to put it lightly. And the truth is, I am so worn out by those experiences and I am so glad they are over, I don’t want to think about them. If someone was to ask me for help because they are now experiencing the same thing, I would not want to help them and I would say ‘I am sorry you have to go through this but I cannot help you. I will pray for you but I really would appreciate that you no longer talk about this in front of me’.

My attitude isn’t the kind of stuff fairy tales are made of but it is the God’s honest truth. Also because when I was going through these hard times people would say what they thought would be helpful but the reality is, they would just hurt me. I would rather say nothing than hurt someone.

I told this to a Catholic lady and she said that she went through a lot of bad experiences and she now knows why God made her go through those things. Well, as much as I am happy that she has the answer to her question ‘why’, I went through a lot of things I don’t know why God put me through and I have learnt I need to accept I might not know why until the next life. And I told her it was a relief because I am no longer running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to find out why but I am leaving it in God’s hands. Well, she said that she needs to know why. I am not knocking her, but I do feel like I was not understood.

So I guess I am wondering if anyone else feels like me?

Also, I just want to mention I am NOT a malicious person. I would not wish my sufferings on my worst enemy. But I just don’t have it in me to help some people go through what I went through. All I have is prayers which don’t seem like enough

Angie

I don’t know if you meant to be funny but I found your post hilarious. Would you explain why you felt compelled to share this?

Annie

 

[Gliggle]

I think she is looking for affirmation that her attitude is okay. I think it is a good attitude. Nothing wring with it, she has to protect herself and words are rarely useful to others anyway. Prayers are much more useful! Even if you don’t observe the effects yourself.

I’m not sure how it was funny?

 

[englishredrose]

These days, 'no I wouldn’t want to speak to another who suffer in a similar way. as am all too aware of that, okay they may have understanding but that understanding also turns them into a judge and I would fear that they would judge me for not being serious or lucky because i haven’t had ‘half the problems’ they have kind of attitude. Sometimes done with the best of intentions but it don’t help me in essence.
There may be time I want to know whether is it a just me or is it part of it and am waiting quite ‘desperately’ for aspergers assessment then the right help.

 

[Lorelei12]

We don’t have to help everyone who crosses our paths, especially if we are not emotionally, physically, financially, capable of it. We don’t need to be doormats, and we don’t need to give more than we truly can. And, praying for people is helping them. If that’s what you’re capable of, then it is enough.

However. We aren’t put on this earth to serve ourselves. A Christian life is one of service. We all all to use the gifts God gave us, in whatever form that might be. It’s not always good to hole up inside of ourselves, and remember that it is in giving that we receive. It’s really the only way to be truly happy. We have to examine our lives and really figure out whether we are doing all we can to serve God and our neighbors.

But that doesn’t mean that we have to take every bad experience we ever had and use it to help others. If what you went through is too raw emotionally for you to be able to use your experience for good, then you shouldn’t feel badly about that. Maybe sometime in the future you’ll feel differently, maybe not. That’s okay.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I don’t know if you meant to be funny but I found your post hilarious. Would you explain why you felt compelled to share this?

Annie

Ouch ! I never meant to be funny at all !!! I needed to share this because I was feeling guilty for not being able to help someone and being told I was wrong for not helping

I repeat ouch

 

[englishredrose]

Ouch ! I never meant to be funny at all !!! I needed to share this because I was feeling guilty for not being able to help someone and being told I was wrong for not helping

I repeat ouch

Hello
Please don’t let anyone tell you that you are wrong for not helping. They were more in the wrong for telling you that you were in the wrong not that it makes it any better at all or for you but you know your own limits and circumstances etc. It a harsh world out there. Once at a group am at we had been about to do a play but something had gone wrong and I wasn’t bothered at all about it but others were and one person was sat there struggling bravely against public tears. I could see. As it was I wasn’t the only one who could see. But because I had brought it up I was the one told off by a volunteer for not saying something. Doh, i was saying something when it all felt safe enough but nope that wasn’t enough. I should have publically humilated that person and just said something, but I couldn’t because I didn’t know how to say without publically humilating that person. But sure enough I was told off for not helping and that is a minor example that I am unable to help though I clearly see the need for the help.

But no one has the right to tell us, to tell you off for not helping when they do not understand where you are at yourself as such. We may think we understand because we have been thru something similar but we don’t actually understand what and how that person is feeling. My priest don’t understand me most of the time in what I say and he been open about that, but is there for me letting me let of steam etc and he is good ‘for me’ in that because he doesn’t try to compare me with anyone etc. The one time He sort of did, He did help me feel loads better not about what I was talking of but about gauging his own outward thought of it as such. It helped me know I could trust him.

But no - no one should say ‘you’ could have helped for only ‘we’ know at that moment whether we could or not. We are not living the same life as each other and please try not to feel guilty because you didn’t meet up to someone else expectation/judgement. We are never going to meet up to expectation of others so we will always fail.

 

[Anglewannabe]

But that doesn’t mean that we have to take every bad experience we ever had and use it to help others. If what you went through is too raw emotionally for you to be able to use your experience for good, then you shouldn’t feel badly about that. Maybe sometime in the future you’ll feel differently, maybe not. That’s okay.

I can’t help but think that if I do God’s will, He will decide when and if I am suppose to help others.

Also, I will give an example as to why I tend to NOT want to help people. This is just a example of something innocent to make my point.

I wanted to loose weight and had a hard time going to the gym. The popular advice was to find a work out buddy and go with them. The theory was if you have a commitment with someone, you are more likely to keep it and go to the gym. Well, I found most people to be unreliable because they would cancel at the last minute and then not take me seriously when I felt let down. I found it was easier to go straight from work to the gym and the other person felt that it was easier to go home and have supper and then go back to the gym. So there were arguments about scheduling that put a friction in the friendship. I found that the headache of having a workout buddy was making me dread going to the gym. So I am a firm believer of going to the gym myself. Experience taught me that.

Well, when I am sitting in a group and someone says ‘How can I motivate myself to go to the gym’ and someone says ‘Have you though about getting a work out buddy’ since as a Catholic I am called to honestly sharing my experience, I will speak up and say ‘Well, personally I found that to have a work out buddy makes it harder’ and then I list the reasons why. Well, the person who suggested a work out buddy (who half the time doesn’t even have one themselves let alone go to the gym) gets mad that I negated their opinion. The person who wants the advice shoots the messenger (ie me) for not going along with the tide and implying the solution will not work (when all I am doing is cautioning them and letting them know ahead of time what they might be getting into so if they do decide to try a workout buddy they don’t do it wearing rose tinted glasses). And I am labelled a negative Nancy.

I make it clear that I am in no way telling them not to get a workout buddy. I am just stating my opinion. Well, they still see me as a downer. So why would I bother honestly sharing my experience if it will only get others mad. I would prefer to say nothing than to lie

Angie

 

[englishredrose]

Like on here when a lot of people post their opening post with a view they only want responses in support of their point. Those that go against their point, they throw out time and time rather than publically try to see both points. They may be doing so in time privately but dont give that message here so those who post differently, their opinion, like yours is unwanted because it differs.

At times, I would have been like you and spoke up if about the negative side. But at times I would have sat there and said nothing.

The person who accused you of negating her suggestion is just being over sensitive about her role in the discussion. She wanted a pat on the back for her role in supporting. Look at me stuff in being helpful. You gave your own example and a lot of people can’t do that. They will say ‘their friend or know someone’ etc

But we all need motivation and we need to be aware what works for us or doesn’t work for us mayn’t work for another etc. You might have been better if you ended it with that sort of, but well it may work for you. But we go on the heat of the moment and hindsight is wonderful sometimes.

Most people would have done what you did and relate their experience of that example I think You have nothing to be ashamed of/guilty of:thumbsup:

 

[mcrts]

I think it’s great that some people are able to help others through similar negative experiences that share. However, just because we can’t help others doesn’t mean we’re being bitter or a negative Nancy.

For some people, helping others through a rough patch is a way of healing for them. Perhaps they have been in a similar situation in the past, and no-one was there for them. Being there for another person, sharing the sorrow and pain of the other person, helps them release all the old hurts. In turn, it helps them to heal. They help others to help themselves.

For others (such as yourself), seeing someone in a similar situation just dredges up old memories. It feels too close to home, and you see yourself in the other person. Does it mean you’re a weak person? Of course not. You just approach things differently. Honestly, praying for the other person is really the best thing you can do for anyone in any situation.

 

[Annie39]

I think she is looking for affirmation that her attitude is okay. I think it is a good attitude. Nothing wring with it, she has to protect herself and words are rarely useful to others anyway. Prayers are much more useful! Even if you don’t observe the effects yourself.

I’m not sure how it was funny?

Well if you don’t know why its funny then it is difficult to explain. But…

“Hi I’m through with all my pain so if you are going through yours, tough” is how I read the post. As I see it, it would be better to just keep it to yourself. I have read many problems on this forum that I could have added to due to personal experience but did not. But it never occurred to me to tell someone that I could but I won’t. I have a “friend” who I helped through many years of troubles. When I told her that I was going through something (I did not elaborate) she said “I just don’t care”. I called her on it and told her that I spent over 20 years helping you through your pains and then when I just mention that I am going through a tough time you said that!!! I got off the phone quickly. She told her hubby about it and he said “well she’s right”. The OP sounds like that “friend”. Although we are still maintaining a relationship btw it is not and never will be the friendship I thought that we had.

Annie

 

[Allegra]

Just because a person has been through a certain trial, doesn’t automatically make them a life coach on the subject. I think saying something like, “I wish I could help you, but I really don’t know what to say,” would be appropriate if they simply want moral support. If they push you to talk more, just say, “I’m really not comfortable talking about such a hard time in my life right now.” Of course, praying is also helpful. I would try not to be resentful that they asked you in the first place. Maybe they don’t have anyone else to turn to for advice.

 

[Allegra]

Well if you don’t know why its funny then it is difficult to explain. But…

“Hi I’m through with all my pain so if you are going through yours, tough” is how I read the post. As I see it, it would be better to just keep it to yourself. I have read many problems on this forum that I could have added to due to personal experience but did not. But it never occurred to me to tell someone that I could but I won’t. I have a “friend” who I helped through many years of troubles. When I told her that I was going through something (I did not elaborate) she said “I just don’t care”. I called her on it and told her that I spent over 20 years helping you through your pains and then when I just mention that I am going through a tough time you said that!!! I got off the phone quickly. She told her hubby about it and he said “well she’s right”. The OP sounds like that “friend”. Although we are still maintaining a relationship btw it is not and never will be the friendship I thought that we had.

Annie

If that actually was her attitude, I wouldn’t find any humor in it at all. I would think it was gross. I don’t think the OP was suggesting that she go to people who are having a hard time and say, “I could help you but I don’t feel like it. Nah nah!” I get the impression that someone is asking her for help or advice and she doesn’t feel like it would be helpful for her to give it and the experience she went through is still painful enough that she doesn’t really like to talk about it.

 

[Annie39]

If that actually was her attitude, I wouldn’t find any humor in it at all. I would think it was gross. I don’t think the OP was suggesting that she go to people who are having a hard time and say, “I could help you but I don’t feel like it. Nah nah!” I get the impression that someone is asking her for help or advice and she doesn’t feel like it would be helpful for her to give it and the experience she went through is still painful enough that she doesn’t really like to talk about it.

I just found it funny that someone would actually put this up on the internet where just anyone could read.

 

[Anglewannabe]

“Hi I’m through with all my pain so if you are going through yours, tough” is how I read the post.

You obviously mis-read and jumped to the wrong conclusion. I said I would tell them ‘I am sorry you have to go through this but I cannot help you. I will pray for you but I really would appreciate that you no longer talk about this in front of me’. I never said ‘tough’ I am being honest that I don’t have it in me to give.

As I see it, it would be better to just keep it to yourself.

It is kind of hard to keep it to myself when they are the ones who are coming up to me and asking for help.

I have read many problems on this forum that I **could **have added to due to personal experience but did not. But it never occurred to me to tell someone that I could but I won’t.

Big difference. First off you admit you could. I admit I can’t. Not to mention, if you could but didn’t, that is not too nice of you.

I have a “friend” who I helped through many years of troubles. When I told her that I was going through something (I did not elaborate) she said “I just don’t care”.

I agree that was not nice of your ‘friend’ at all. However, I NEVER said I tell people ‘I just don’t care’, I tell them and I quote again
‘I am **sorry **you have to go through this but I cannot help you. I will pray for you but I really would appreciate that you no longer talk about this in front of me’. Which is MUCH more charitable than ‘I just don’t care’

I called her on it and told her that I spent over 20 years helping you through your pains and then when I just mention that I am going through a tough time you said that!!!

First of all, no one who has helped me for longs periods of time could say that about me. I am talking about people who never were there for me when it mattered. I am talking about people I don’t know that much. And if ever someone who helped me came to me with something I could not handle, I would say in a loving tone that I can’t handle it but I would pray for them. What is so wrong with me honesty?

The OP sounds like that “friend”.

Actually, I think it sounds like you are taking out your hurt over what this ‘friend’ did to you out on me. Am I suppose to believe that if your friend was honest and said ‘I am sorry I can help you I will pray for you’ and did it in a loving tone you would hold that against her?

 

[Anglewannabe]

I just found it funny that someone would actually put this up on the internet where just anyone could read.

Really??? This is a forum where lots of people post problems. Some people actually post intimate details of their marriage. I think that is much more private. But yet this is a forum where people come to share their struggles and get support. What is wrong with posting people are asking me to do things I just can not do???

 

[LongingSoul]

Often when someone goes through a bad time, they will seek out someone who once went through a similar experience for help. And often when someone has come out of a bad experience they are more than happy to help someone who is suffering like they once suffered. A great charitable thing to do.

Well, I have certain experience that I have gone through that were unpleasant to put it lightly. And the truth is, I am so worn out by those experiences and I am so glad they are over, I don’t want to think about them. If someone was to ask me for help because they are now experiencing the same thing, I would not want to help them and I would say ‘I am sorry you have to go through this but I cannot help you. I will pray for you but I really would appreciate that you no longer talk about this in front of me’.

My attitude isn’t the kind of stuff fairy tales are made of but it is the God’s honest truth. Also because when I was going through these hard times people would say what they thought would be helpful but the reality is, they would just hurt me. I would rather say nothing than hurt someone.

I told this to a Catholic lady and she said that she went through a lot of bad experiences and she now knows why God made her go through those things. Well, as much as I am happy that she has the answer to her question ‘why’, I went through a lot of things I don’t know why God put me through and I have learnt I need to accept I might not know why until the next life. And I told her it was a relief because I am no longer running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to find out why but I am leaving it in God’s hands. Well, she said that she needs to know why. I am not knocking her, but I do feel like I was not understood.

So I guess I am wondering if anyone else feels like me?

Also, I just want to mention I am NOT a malicious person. I would not wish my sufferings on my worst enemy. But I just don’t have it in me to help some people go through what I went through. All I have is prayers which don’t seem like enough

Angie

Angie, I know the weight of pressure that you feel but want to reassure you that it’s not about ‘finding the words’ or ‘providing solutions’.

24 years ago my firstborn was stillborn due to placenta praevia. Horrible times. 14 years ago my sister had the same situation happen and my Mum was really pressuring me to ‘counsel’ my sister because I’d been through it. I just couldn’t do it. I had come to terms with it, but it just was so raw when I was faced with my sisters situation. In the end all I could do was just say to my sister that I was so sorry and I didn’t know what to tell her and I referred her to the organisation that helped me 10 years earlier.

14 years on, my sister and I have an unspoken bond but we don’t ‘go on about it’. Living well and faithfully with ones suffering is a really strong witness to faith and perserverence. Please don’t feel guilty that you haven’t ‘turned into a counsellor’. People that know your story and see you ‘survive’ and persevere, are helped and reassured by you anyway. God bless!

 

[LongingSoul]

We don’t have to help everyone who crosses our paths, especially if we are not emotionally, physically, financially, capable of it. We don’t need to be doormats, and we don’t need to give more than we truly can. And, praying for people is helping them. If that’s what you’re capable of, then it is enough.

However. We aren’t put on this earth to serve ourselves. A Christian life is one of service. We all all to use the gifts God gave us, in whatever form that might be. It’s not always good to hole up inside of ourselves, and remember that it is in giving that we receive. It’s really the only way to be truly happy. We have to examine our lives and really figure out whether we are doing all we can to serve God and our neighbors.

But that doesn’t mean that we have to take every bad experience we ever had and use it to help others. If what you went through is too raw emotionally for you to be able to use your experience for good, then you shouldn’t feel badly about that. Maybe sometime in the future you’ll feel differently, maybe not. That’s okay.

That’s sound advice. Very true.

 

[Gliggle]

I also think it is a bit of a modern fallacy that you can talk people through their problems. I think quite often people, with the best intentions, just help each other dwell on their problems, which is a vanity.

Here is a quote from Thomas Kempis which I think is relevant:

1. "My Son, be not curious, nor trouble thyself with vain cares. What is that to thee? Follow thou Me. For what is it to thee whether a man be this or that, or say or do thus or thus? Thou hast no need to answer for others, but thou must give an answer for thyself. Why therefore dost thou entangle thyself? Behold, I know all men, and I behold all things which are done under the sun; and I know how it standeth with each one, what he thinketh, what he willeth, and to what end his thoughts reach. All things therefore are to be committed to Me; watch thou thyself in godly peace, and leave him who is unquiet to be unquiet as he will. Whatsoever he shall do or say, shall come unto him, for he cannot deceive Me.

 

[LongingSoul]

“…and I know how it standeth with each one, what he thinketh, what he willeth, and to what end his thoughts reach. All things therefore are to be committed to Me; watch thou thyself in godly peace, and leave him who is unquiet to be unquiet as he will. Whatsoever he shall do or say, shall come unto him, for he cannot deceive Me.”

Those are beautifully and wisely applied words to this thread.