Help please!

[Metropolis]

I understand what you are telling me. However, I really wish I could understand why I can’t get myself to take action and mean it.

I consider myself a Catholic… Even attending Mass and confession. However I had a very bad experience with a priest and it’s left me wandering.

I really appreciate your feedback and insight. It’s helping me. I just need to get it through my head. I keep making excuses for him in my head… Hoping that I’m just overreacting.

I will tell you he asked if he could come to my house for an HOUR on Friday (he’d leave his kids home alone for a bit) … I’m sure you could guess what he wanted. I made up an excuse and told him I couldn’t meet him at that time. I offered to drive to him anytime this weekend to meet him for lunch… If he wanted to leave his kids for an hour. Guess what? He hasn’t been able to make that work…maybe it’s because it doesn’t involve sex. He could offer it up today… But I don’t think he wants to “talk”.

I think it is clear he will make time for sex, but not make time for you. He doesn’t want to talk, he wants to use you for sexual gratification. That is just another sign he is using you. You aren’t overreacting, you know you shouldn’t be with him, but you are letting your emotions to keep you from doing the right thing. Don’t let it. It will be hard, but you need to break up with him, not answer his calls and texts (because it seems he is good at convincing you to do what he wants you to), and move on. Spend more time in Church and more time praying and studying, maybe set up a meeting with a Priest to talk about things. It may be helpful. There is nothing keeping you from breaking up with him, but you. You need to just decide to do it and not back down.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I can understand going if it is life threatening but otherwise neither of us would see any reason to accompany the other. Do you work? You both take off? Do you do same when the kids have to go to the doctor?

Thank you and EasterJoy and Metropolis for answering.

We make every effort to schedule appointments over lunch or on days off. To be honest it never occurred to me that people don’t go with their spouses. I grew up watching my parents always accompany each other. My grandparents did the same, and my brother and his wife join each other as well.

In the small town that I’m from the waiting room was always full of patients and their spouses. It might be a rural thing. I haven’t put much thought into it in the cities I’ve lived in, but it may not be as true here.

Different strokes. I didn’t think it was wrong not to go, just very weird because it’s so different than what I’ve known. I was actually surprised to see that three people said they don’t.

 

[Metropolis]

Thank you and aircrit and Metropolis for answering.

We make every effort to schedule appointments over lunch or on days off. To be honest it never occurred to me that people don’t go with their spouses. I grew up watching my parents always accompany each other. My grandparents did the same, and my brother and his wife join each other as well. My

Ya, my family all goes alone and I have never heard of any couple that has done this before. Plus I have to make doctor’s appointments weeks in advance except for serious things that need immediate attention. Also hubby doesn’t get to leave work for lunch due to his job and they certainly wouldn’t let him take the time to go with me to an appointment.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

You posted this in the wrong thread.

No I didn’t. I was getting back to you since you responded to my question on page 1 about not going with your husband to the doctor. Sorry it took so long, I’ve been busy.

 

[PennyinCanada]

I understand what you are telling me. However, I really wish I could understand why I can’t get myself to take action and mean it.

I consider myself a Catholic… Even attending Mass and confession. However I had a very bad experience with a priest and it’s left me wandering.

I really appreciate your feedback and insight. It’s helping me. I just need to get it through my head. I keep making excuses for him in my head… Hoping that I’m just overreacting.

Actually, you aren’t overreacting. You aren’t reacting enough. You should be angry at him!
Now you’ve experienced the super glue of sex, and experienced how ‘binding’ it is. Paralyzing you from doing the right thing. The smart thing.

He’s the ‘plug’ from allowing you to get right with God, and from finding new love with an available man. He’s really just tying you up emotionally and using you.

The best spiritual remedy is to have a good confession and receive Communion. Pray and ask for strength, to have your eyes opened to what’s really going on here. Ask our Blessed Mother to intercede for you.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I agree… You are right. I have got to get strong. The other thing is this guy does very well … But is still trying to finalize his divorce… 2 years later. So his accounts are locked and he has said he was “embarrassed” but had me pay for a couple of our dinners. He rarely takes me out… I really don’t get much out of the relationship. It helps… With me putting all this out there.

He was not married in the catholic church. But he would need to be divorced fully before he is free… I need to just end it based on that.

He is not divorced.
He has herpes.
He gave you oral herpes because he didn’t tell you he has herpes.
He has children.
He has an ex-wife who will be in his life at least until his children are grown up.
He has given you a line about how he doesn’t have money so you pay for dinner.
He doesn’t take you out very much.

Ahem.

HE IS USING YOU FOR SEX. He doesn’t respect you, he doesn’t love you, and YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN BEING USED.

Even prostitutes get paid.

Sorry to be blunt but I had to try and get through to you.

 

[startingover222]

All of what you wrote above is true… However just when I get it in my head that he is a complete user… He changes. Yesterday, he asked me to go to lunch… And talked about Joel olsteen and all the great things God has brought into his life… He didn’t list ME off… But still you get the picture. His kids were home so he couldn’t push for sex… And it was a nice lunch. He paid…

Maybe I was too extreme with my judgement. But then again… Considering the herpes… I probably shouldn’t even care…

 

[Irishmom2]

All of what you wrote above is true… However just when I get it in my head that he is a complete user… He changes. Yesterday, he asked me to go to lunch… And talked about Joel olsteen and all the great things God has brought into his life… He didn’t list ME off… But still you get the picture. His kids were home so he couldn’t push for sex… And it was a nice lunch. He paid…

Maybe I was too extreme with my judgement. But then again… Considering the herpes… I probably shouldn’t even care…

**Are you kidding me? **
Please read TheRealJulianne’s last response again and then ask yourself this–Is this the best I can do?

Honestly, I think you need counseling if your answer is yes. You need to run, not walk away from this man. There is nothing positive to this relationship. Are you clinging to the thought of being in a relationship and there is no one else right now?

I see from your previous thread that you are divorced. Are you even free to marry at this point?

 

[agnes_therese]

All of what you wrote above is true… However just when I get it in my head that he is a complete user… He changes. Yesterday, he asked me to go to lunch… And talked about Joel olsteen and all the great things God has brought into his life… He didn’t list ME off… But still you get the picture. His kids were home so he couldn’t push for sex… And it was a nice lunch. He paid…

Maybe I was too extreme with my judgement. But then again… Considering the herpes… I probably shouldn’t even care…

No, you were NOT too extreme with your judgment. Your heart knows he’s using you – you just need to make your brain take the appropriate actions based on that knowledge.
Users are very good at recognizing when they’re about to get booted, and acting nice for a while. Does he really think one lunch makes up for exposing you to an STD? Do you?

I’ll say it again – RUN!

 

[Metropolis]

All of what you wrote above is true… However just when I get it in my head that he is a complete user… He changes. Yesterday, he asked me to go to lunch… And talked about Joel olsteen and all the great things God has brought into his life… He didn’t list ME off… But still you get the picture. His kids were home so he couldn’t push for sex… And it was a nice lunch. He paid…

Maybe I was too extreme with my judgement. But then again… Considering the herpes… I probably shouldn’t even care…

You know that he is using you and he treats you like **** to the point you almost break it off and he senses that and then he reals you back in with his pretend nice guy/good Christian act. YOU ARE NOT TOO EXTREME WITH YOUR JUDGEMENT! You know it, I know it, and everyone who looks at this situation knows it. You are way too lax and you let him get away with giving you STDs and using you for sex. At this point I don’t know what else to tell you. You are choosing to ignore the obvious that he doesn’t give a darn about you and will do whatever it takes to keep you around because he knows he can use you for sex. Period. He doesn’t love you, doesn’t see you as a blessing, doesn’t care about putting your health at risk.

 

[startingover222]

What you are saying is true… What’s hard is that we clicked… We have the ability to talk for hours and hours… Something that I found to be quite rare these days… He’s quite smart and successful. (

But I will tell him that I need to end it because I need a man who is past his divorce. As I mentioned in the post… His wife filed to divorce him 3 years ago … But they are STILL fighting over money. So, just based on that… There’s trouble. Having the conversation will be tough though…

 

[Metropolis]

What you are saying is true… What’s hard is that we clicked… We have the ability to talk for hours and hours… Something that I found to be quite rare these days… He’s quite smart and successful. (

But I will tell him that I need to end it because I need a man who is past his divorce. As I mentioned in the post… His wife filed to divorce him 3 years ago … But they are STILL fighting over money. So, just based on that… There’s trouble. Having the conversation will be tough though…

“Clicking” with someone is nowhere near enough to make a relationship work (especially when that person has no respect for you or your body, uses you as an object and puts you in harms way). Don’t let him convince you not to break up with him. He will probably try to keep you around because he wants to continue using and manipulating you. Be strong and do the right thing.

 

[aicirt]

Thank you and EasterJoy and Metropolis for answering.

We make every effort to schedule appointments over lunch or on days off. To be honest it never occurred to me that people don’t go with their spouses. I grew up watching my parents always accompany each other. My grandparents did the same, and my brother and his wife join each other as well.

In the small town that I’m from the waiting room was always full of patients and their spouses. It might be a rural thing. I haven’t put much thought into it in the cities I’ve lived in, but it may not be as true here.

Different strokes. I didn’t think it was wrong not to go, just very weird because it’s so different than what I’ve known. I was actually surprised to see that three people said they don’t.

Unless it is life threatening, I know of no one other than you who does this. Personally, I can think of other things I like or need to do than accompany a healthy adult to any kind of appointment. Husband would feel same.

 

[PennyinCanada]

You have put God on the shelf, out of your life, for someone that ‘clicks’ for you.
Come back to God, renew your faith! Revive, restore yourself, and you will never again be so muddled in your thinking. You deserve better!

 

[startingover222]

I’m sure he will… The really interesting part is trying to understand why this
Man really got to me… I’ve dated and dropped men like flys. Not this one. I feel like it may be because he is a bit hard to get. He always leaves me guessing… I suppose. We have so much in common and get along very well when we are together. But, you are right …we need more than that.

I mean even if I wanted this relationship to continue… I don’t know where we are at… It feels like a relationship but he never talks about the future (more than the next week). He used to … (before I gave in on the physical side).

My goal is to marry and have another child… I’m 37. So I suppose I’m going down a dead end anyway… in the big picture. We discussed our goals when we first met and he said he would be open to considering it…, but he wasn’t sure … Since he already has 3 kids.

He also told me yesterday that his parents used to fly in and give his ex weekend breaks because he was always working so much and never around… Thought that was interesting…

“Clicking” with someone is nowhere near enough to make a relationship work (especially when that person has no respect for you or your body, uses you as an object and puts you in harms way). Don’t let him convince you not to break up with him. He will probably try to keep you around because he wants to continue using and manipulating you. Be strong and do the right thing.

 

[Metropolis]

I’m sure he will… The really interesting part is trying to understand why this
Man really got to me… I’ve dated and dropped men like flys. Not this one. I feel like it may be because he is a bit hard to get. He always leaves me guessing… I suppose. We have so much in common and get along very well when we are together. But, you are right …we need more than that.

I mean even if I wanted this relationship to continue… I don’t know where we are at… It feels like a relationship but he never talks about the future (more than the next week). He used to … (before I gave in on the physical side).

My goal is to marry and have another child… I’m 37. So I suppose I’m going down a dead end anyway… in the big picture. We discussed our goals when we first met and he said he would be open to considering it…, but he wasn’t sure … Since he already has 3 kids.

He also told me yesterday that his parents used to fly in and give his ex weekend breaks because he was always working so much and never around… Thought that was interesting…

He has been able to keep you around with manipulation and emotional blackmail. I have been in a similar relationship in the past.He actually gave me an STD as well without informing me beforehand, now he was sexually abusive so I didn’t have a choice (forced himself on me), but the situation was similar. Luckily it was something that I was able to get rid of. He used the same tactics as your guy does to draw me in and keep me with him. Now I have moved on and married a good man and I am so glad I broke it off with the other guy and I don’t understand what I was thinking. So I know where you are coming from.

He tried to make you think you two have a future so you would be more likely to give him what he wants, sex. Once he got that he just uses you until he senses that you might leave and then he starts acting just nice enough for just long enough to keep you from breaking things off and so the cycle goes. Don’t fall for it any more and move on. It may hurt for a while, but I guarantee in the long run you will be much happier.

Sounds like he didn’t make time for his family or his old spouse and he has showed that he isn’t going to make time for you unless it involves sex or he thinks you might be leaving. He doesn’t want a family or future with you, he just wants to keep you around to be used for his own purposes.

 

[startingover222]

Yes he even wanted me to meet his kids… And then AFTER I have in physically … He had second thoughts. Said he might be rushing it… And that his kids had never met anyone else. I think that’s admirable. However I felt completely devastated when he “had second thoughts”. Just felt like bait and switch. And even yesterday he was talking about summer vacations with his kids… And without me included. Painful… Emotional manipulation… I suppose.

P.S. I’m really glad that you found a great guy!

 

[Metropolis]

Yes he even wanted me to meet his kids… And then AFTER I have in physically … He had second thoughts. Said he might be rushing it… And that his kids had never met anyone else. I think that’s admirable. However I felt completely devastated when he “had second thoughts”. Just felt like bait and switch. And even yesterday he was talking about summer vacations with his kids… And without me included. Painful… Emotional manipulation… I suppose.

P.S. I’m really glad that you found a great guy!

Yep, that is all part of the game. Drawing you in with kindness and false hope of a future, then going back to his treating you like a object. Been there done that.

Thanks, I did find a great guy and you can to. One that doesn’t use you and then draw you back in just to use you again. You can get out of this cycle. I did.

 

[EasterJoy]

Yes he even wanted me to meet his kids… And then AFTER I have in physically … He had second thoughts. Said he might be rushing it… And that his kids had never met anyone else. I think that’s admirable. However I felt completely devastated when he “had second thoughts”. Just felt like bait and switch. And even yesterday he was talking about summer vacations with his kids… And without me included. Painful… Emotional manipulation… I suppose.

It will be a lot easier for you to end this if you stick with the behaviors and situations that are deal-breakers and leave off deciding whether or not he’s culpable or knows what he’s doing or if there is some good reason he’s not able to be the partner you need, or any of the rest.

If you don’t concern yourself with whether he is guilty or innocent, but only on whether or not you and he can have a relationship that meets your needs without crossing any moral boundaries, your decision will be much more clear.

IOW: You judge *the relationship *based on what is right before God and what you need or feel God wants for your life. Let God be the judge of him.

 

[startingover222]

Well said…

What’s the best way for me to end things? Should I be honest and forthcoming with him about WHY? Ugh… Makes me sick to think about it… This will not be easy.