Help!...surrounded by fornicating, cohabitating neighbors

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felra

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I live in a transitional neighborhood where retired long-term residents are moving out, and young adult single folks purchasing a starter/transitional home are moving in. There are 3 cohabitating couples within a stones throw distance away. I have preteen children. Our strategy thus far has been to keep aloof to minimize exposure to this sinful lifestyle.

Now, a young adult gentleman has moved into the house next door. Two nights, two different females spent the night. I find myself wincing, preparing for the worst, and forming an impression and disgustful attitude toward this person already. The houses are in close proximity.

The only strategies I can think of with this new neighbor is to 1) avoid/minimize exposure, 2) sooner than later note and clarify his lifestyle intentions and let it be known my Christian values, and/or 3) pray/fast, be patient, bide time for example/words to witness to the truth of the Gospel (with the sinful lifestyle as a symptom of need for conversion). I tend not to be a head in the sand type of person. Note: We plan to move out in @ 3/5years time. Any thoughts as we consider our coping options?
 
…close your curtains and quit being so nosey…:cool:

…you won’t have to look far to find sin all around you…anywhere!!:eek:

…yep, go to daily mass and pray to be more concerned with your timbers rather than someone elses splinters…:cool:

…continue to be a shinning christian example… 😃
 
We have a similar problem. The guy next door is divorced and is now on 2nd live-in girlfriend. He has a daughter who is my daughter’s age. She visits every other weekend and for an entire month in the Summer. It is a difficult situation. The girls have known each since before the divorce—when they were infants. So, to eliminate playing together is just not feasible. There is constant pressure for sleepovers. We say no all of the time. I’m just not looking forward to this summer. The neighbor guy and his girlfriend are talking marriage, but who knows? His mother lived with her boyfriend for 25 years before they got married.
This neighbor and his girlfriend have been good neighbors. They keep to themselves and are there when we need help. So, if I were ever to let on that their lifestyle is the reason I don’t allow sleepovers—it would be over. So, I just pray that they get married soon. This would help somewhat I think. As the kids get older, I think that it’s quite obvious that they’re living together and acting like married people. It encourages the thinking that this type of arrangement is “normal” and okay. It’s so frustrating.
Anyway, just a rant. I guess the best thing you can do is limit exposure, perhaps talk about it with your older children if they seem to notice, and pray.
 
space ghost:
…close your curtains and quit being so nosey…:cool:

…you won’t have to look far to find sin all around you…anywhere!!:eek:

…yep, go to daily mass and pray to be more concerned with your timbers rather than someone elses splinters…:cool:

…continue to be a shinning christian example… 😃
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Great advice. I believe you are given this situation for a reason. Perhaps it will give you a platform for discussing these things with your children; they will know for sure that you aren’t just talking hypothetical.

Of the three options you mentioned, I think the second one is probably the one to avoid the most. Although I’ve never cohabitated, I have been on the other side of this and I can assure you all you will do is give them something to laugh about and possibly exact revenge or even look at your own children as particularly interesting targets. Believe me about this if anything; to a guy who beds multiple women in one night, there is hardly a greater victory than going to bed with the daughter of a person who has wagged a finger at you. It’s even “better” if they don’t know you have and continue to preach to you.

Alan
 
space ghost:
…close your curtains and quit being so nosey…:cool:

…you won’t have to look far to find sin all around you…anywhere!!:eek:

…yep, go to daily mass and pray to be more concerned with your timbers rather than someone elses splinters…:cool:

…continue to be a shinning christian example… 😃
Click to expand...
I fail to see how I am being judgmental or nosey. It’s called in your face when I can practically touch my neighbor’s home from our abutting driveway. No way to not notice some of your neighbors’ activities. (Example: Having a cup of coffee while helping my son water our perennial plants the other morning before I go to work, and out walks a female and scoots into the car parked over night 20 feet away in the driveway of our new neighbor). Who is intruding upon whom? :o
 
youre intruding on him. its his home. hes not your son, and probably not a parishoner. we have to share this earth. just let the man be. be who you are, a good loving Catholic person. and pray for him. but dont go snooping around and preaching at him and what not. youre not his mom, just his neighbor. and after all Love Thy Neighbor. RIght? Space Ghost hit the nail on the head. im sorry i couldnt put it as well as he did. Good luck and God Bless. be patient and kind. good results come out of that behavior. not out of being nosy and mean (not that you are being) and telling him what your expectations of his lifestyle are. after all its HIS lifestyle. you got my prayers sister.
 
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felra:
I fail to see how I am being judgmental or nosey. It’s called in your face when I can practically touch my neighbor’s home from our abutting driveway. No way to not notice some of your neighbors’ activities. (Example: Having a cup of coffee while helping my son water our perennial plants the other morning before I go to work, and out walks a female and scoots into the car parked over night 20 feet away in the driveway of our new neighbor). Who is intruding upon whom? :o
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I fully understand your dilemma.

When they start parking on your property, or walking through your property to get to their car, then you have reason to talk to them.

Still, if you’re going to talk to them about being more discreet (don’t even bother telling them they are immoral; they’ve certainly heard that before from people they care about more than you) your best bet is to approach them in a friendly manner and treat them as if you are not trying to take away their “freedom.” Still, it’s not advisable to talk to them at all if you harbor a disgusted attitude, unless you’re a very good actor.

Trust me on this. Your morals will not stop their immorality, but if they see you as condescending, there is a wide range of what they might do, ranging from nothing at all, to things so sinister and subtle you’ll never know what happened or where it came from. It takes one to know one, and believe me, I know. If my own past can help me convince a good person not to fall into the trap intrinsic around evil behavior, it might have been worth something. :crying:

I know that Space Ghost’s advice sounds silly, but it is truly Christian, much more than giving them a “piece of your mind.” The foolishness of God is higher than the greatest intelligence of man. Trust the Word of God, and rely not on your own understanding. If you still feel you have a need to tell them a thing or two, then I pray it will go well.

Alan
 
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felra:
I fail to see how I am being judgmental or nosey. It’s called in your face when I can practically touch my neighbor’s home from our abutting driveway. No way to not notice some of your neighbors’ activities. (Example: Having a cup of coffee while helping my son water our perennial plants the other morning before I go to work, and out walks a female and scoots into the car parked over night 20 feet away in the driveway of our new neighbor). Who is intruding upon whom? :o
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Excuse me while I climb on this soapbox.

You have difficult cross. Raising moral children in modern culture is difficult at best. When the time is right this will be a teaching opportunity for your son. Your neighbors lifestyle is most likely inappropriate but not necessarily. Were his guests sisters or cousins? Does he have family in town? We all sin and are beset by temptations. Get to know your neighbors. Find common interests and become friends. When the time is right, share your beliefs and, as always, live by example.

Off the box now. - Cheers
 
Christians are given an identifying trait - love.

Love your neighbor - make him a good homade dinner. See Jesus in him, and maybe he will begin to see Jesus in himself!
 
Ignore them. Teach your kids about how you want them to live and ignore your neighbors. I think Space Ghost gave great advice.
 
Hi Felra,

I can empathize with you. It’s frustrating to see so much daily evidence of the fact that much of the world does not seem to share in the struggle to be holy. It’s frustrating and a little nerve-wracking when the evidence is even closer to one’s home.

But I’m going to make a radical suggestion: What if you go out of your way to welcome this new neighbor, invite him over for coffee in your home, or a barbeque in the back yard? What if you witness to him by your example…invite him to church with you, send him a religious “welcome” card, etc.? Relentless evangelization in little ways…

In other words, you will be stating unequivocally through your words and actions, “I am a Catholic Christian. As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord! Come join me!” You will have made every effort to establish good neighborly relationships at the minimum, and given the Holy Spirit a channel through which he may work.

I guess what I’m saying is that I know how hard I have to fight my instinct to withdraw from situations that could very likely be God’s way of using me as an instrument of His.

May God bless you & show you His will for you!
 
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TarAshly:
youre intruding on him. its his home. hes not your son, and probably not a parishoner. we have to share this earth. just let the man be. be who you are, a good loving Catholic person. and pray for him. but dont go snooping around and preaching at him and what not. youre not his mom, just his neighbor. and after all Love Thy Neighbor. RIght? Space Ghost hit the nail on the head. im sorry i couldnt put it as well as he did. Good luck and God Bless. be patient and kind. good results come out of that behavior. not out of being nosy and mean (not that you are being) and telling him what your expectations of his lifestyle are. after all its HIS lifestyle. you got my prayers sister.
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👍
 
Is this a great country or what?!? Had those same young, indiscreet women lived in several select countries in the Middle East instead of the good ol’ U.S. of A. they would have been stoned to death for their activities instead of just oblivious targets of your disdain. I trust you are not looking for such a severe sanction.

Not that I don’t feel for your discomfort. However, I doubt your children are either as observant or troubled by these random comings and goings as you find yourself to be. Ignoring unfortunate behaviour choices by others as opposed to unduly highlighing them can sometimes be a useful strategy with children exposed to adult-oriented monkey business. If this is not the case, the best suggestion may be to use the “life style discrepancy” as an opportunity to educate your children about choices they will face and the impact their choices have on the impression and opinions others form about them–even strangers.

In the end, it’s rather silly to think there is some “safe zone” you can move to isolate yourself from the world. You and your children are in the world, though as Catholics, not of the world. Teach them the difference and pray that the temptations that will inevitably entice them will hold little appeal. And one other thought…the next time you are tempted to be understandably less than charitable in your outlook towards your neighbors or their guests, think “there but for the grace of God go I…” and realize they are all someone’s sons/daughters…brothers/sisters…and someday maybe your kids. Say a little prayer that they’ll see the emptiness of their current lifestyle and move on to something more meaningful and honorable.
 
I agree with TarAshly and Space Ghost. You sound like Mrs. Kravitz on “I Dream of Genie.”
 
Thanks everyone for the great advice! 👍 I agree wholeheartedly and realize I was only looking for validation for course of action and a bit of venting my frustration over being surrounded by less than ideal/compatible neighbors. I actually do quite well at quickly transforming my dissapointment into a proactive charitable reponse as I put on the heart and mind of Christ. I will consider a bit more across the fence socializing, and maybe facing our stature of the blessed Mary toward our newest neighbor. 😉
 
Simone Weil wrote that:

"Obedience is the supreme virtue. We have to love necessity" (‘Gravity and Grace,’ p.38).

Why must we accept what of necessity must come? Because everything that comes to us comes from God.

The desert father Abba Ammonas seems also to have understood this for we are told that he:

". . . advanced to the point where his goodness was so great, he took no notice of wickedness" (Benedicta Ward, ‘The Sayings of the Desert Fathers,’ p.27).

And so the answer to your problem is very simple:

Become a saint!

🙂
 
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felra:
Thanks everyone for the great advice! 👍 I agree wholeheartedly and realize I was only looking for validation for course of action and a bit of venting my frustration over being surrounded by less than ideal/compatible neighbors. I actually do quite well at quickly transforming my dissapointment into a proactive charitable reponse as I put on the heart and mind of Christ. I will consider a bit more across the fence socializing, and maybe facing our stature of the blessed Mary toward our newest neighbor. 😉
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😃 I love it! Who can resist Our Lady?
 
[cue**soapbox]

I think your best option may be to ignore. The first couple years of college, I lived in the dorms. Darned if I didn’t perfect the art of ignoring in there. I insisted on a non-coed dorm, but that didn’t seem to stop the other girls from bringing in “gentlemen friends” at all hours of the day or night. It was one of those practices that the school couldn’t really stop, so they just winked at it.

Pray for grace for him and you, and if your kids ask, say that he is not a Catholic and is not acting in accordance with Catholic morality by having young ladies do overnighters. If they don’t ask, don’t tell them.

Who knows - they may be his sisters!!!

😉
 
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StratusRose:
I agree with TarAshly and Space Ghost. You sound like Mrs. Kravitz on “I Dream of Genie.”
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Actually, Mrs. Kravitz was on “Bewitched.”
But I understand your point.
 
I think it is best to ignore the situation altogether, then again I am a rather non-confrontational person by nature so it’s easy for me to say!

Not directing this to you Felra, I just think many in this forum worry way too much about things regarding “possible” bad influences on children,to the point where they become a bad influence on their OWN children. What on earth are children learning from parents who tell children they are allowed to play with this person, not another, you can go to this person’s house, but not so and so’s.

Maybe I am just too aware of how it feels to be a"shunned" neighbour. A neighbour once told her son he wasn’t allowed to visit us because his mom thought we had too many kids for a house our size, therefore it could not be a safe environment. Our house does get cluttered and is certainly not as nice as hers, but definately not a threat to his health or anything!! Not one of our 8 kids ended up in an emergency room due to any “unsafe condition” in our house, and we have mostly boys who can get very hyper in here. I can only imagine how my son felt, probably like a loser, when his friend told him that.

So in my opinion it is best to keep your opinions about the kid’s families to yourself, and if the kids are annoying, or bullies or whatever, I find my kids usually keep their distance without myself having to say anything.It’s not like I have never had reservations about other kids, but I learned to remind myself that my kids aren’t always angels themselves:D
 
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