Thank you for reading. I attended Mass for the first time this morning and had a reaction that was completely out of my character. Some background first: I am a non-Catholic, having been raised Christian but also having no involvement in any religious activities since I was young. I have always believed in God, but religion in general has not been a major part of my life. I am now 28 and in a relationship with a Catholic girl. I know little of Catholicism, but I decided to attend Mass to provide some perspective that would allow me to relate better with her on a religious basis. I have considered RCIA, so attending Mass was also a way to determine if I feel compatible. I attended the full service at a Church that was closest to me. I sat in the back, and even before the service began, I felt really strange. I was literally on the verge of tears through the entire service, and had to bite my lip and focus on banal subjects to prevent any external display. There was nothing on my mind. It would come and go a bit, but it was present more often than not, and there were no apparent triggers. My heart felt heavy and i was perspiring a bit. This kind of emotion is so unlike me that I am at a loss to explain why it happened. I am a young guy and it is rare indeed that anything could evoke a emotional response in me. It was such a strange feeling, I can’t attribute it to panic, guilt, or anything else with any certainty. Have any you had similar experiences? What did you think happened? I am really confused!
As the book of proverbs says, the Fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. First of all, congratulations on attending Mass and being open to this. There are lots of people in today’s world who would’ve said ‘this feels creepy’ and run away. God will bless you for staying and working through this.
Sounds a little like my own conversion experience, only more intense. For me, I’d already been a practicing Protestant, and was dating a Catholic girl. I saw the Catholic Church as as good a church as any, so decided to convert. I’d been to a few masses, and had started praying the rosary already (Can I just recommend the rosary to you - once you learn it, it can be a fantastic way of contemplating Jesus). For me, the experience came on Corpus Christi 2007 - at the feast of Corpus Christi (the body of Christ) the priest takes the host (the Eucharistic bread, transformed into the body and blood of Christ) in a display case called a monstrance and processes around the church for all to see. As the priest was approaching me, it hit me,
this really is Jesus, Jesus Christ, the same Jesus I’d been trying to worship as a Protestant, was really present under the appearance of bread. I just wanted to fall on my face and say sorry to God for taking so long to recognise Him.
That’s why the Mass is so special - in the Mass, Jesus Christ is truly present, in His body, blood, soul and divinity. Only the appearances of bread and wine remain. Any time you walk into a Catholic Church, you will see a tabernacle (a little box on top of the altar) with a light burning next to it - that means Jesus is present, under the appearance of bread, inside the tabernacle. If you already have some background in Christianity, I would recommend a book called ‘The Lamb’s Supper’ by Scott Hahn, in it he explains what the Mass is all about.
It sounds to me like you need some time to think through what’s just happened to you. Can I suggest just going into an empty Catholic Church and sitting with Jesus in the tabernacle (obviously, you sitting in the pews, Him sitting in the tabernacle, not you sitting in the tabernacle with Him, that might be a bit cramped
), just ask Him what happened at that Mass, and work your way through it. A great saint, the Cure of Ars, once saw a man who used to sit in his church, what he thought about when he prayed, the man replied simply, ‘I look at Him, and He looks at me’ - that’s a pretty good description of contemplative prayer.
Also, talk to your girlfriend about it - it might be that this will help her deepen her own faith. And talk to a priest, especially if you’re serious about starting RCIA.
When I explained what I’d experienced to a priest later on in my RCIA experience, he said that I’d received the gift of faith that day - faith is a gift. Some people pray for it, for others it just happens. It sounds to me like you’ve been given that gift. Praise God! Alleluia.
PS - Sometimes, I still cry at Mass.
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