Help with manipulative, annoying, direspectful, friend messages

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Hi Folks,

I have a personal non-theological question for everyone. I have a friend of mine who is a pest. I am wondering how can I handle this particular friend.

Here is the story:
She sends about 20 to 30 text messages about nonsense stuff. For instance she will message me and said a bunch of Hi’s, she will complain that she’s getting her period, what I am doing, if I’m home in essence a lot of stupid or invasion questions.

In the past few months, I’ve had enough of her texting. I have told her to facebook me for everything non-urgent and use texting for urgent- she is okay for a short period of time and then she goes back to her old habits. I put her in her place and the circle continues. I’m trying to find a job which means I don’t have the time to answer 20 to 30 text messages in a day. It’s too exhausting.

Today, she Facebooked me a bit and then when I didn’t respond, she started to text me messages that were frivolous in nature. She complained that I wasn’t answering her Facebook messages. I told her I was out. Then she asks what am I doing- its as if she is my mother as opposed to a silly friend. I’m trying to put some distance because I don’t want to be bombarded with a ton of messages that really aren’t important. I have told her to use Facebook for that.

Furthermore, every time there are plans to get together ex hang a friend’s house, activities that will not cost anyone money if a person cancels last minute- she will bug me in some cases as far as three months before the activity and ask if I’m going. I will say maybe because A) I’m looking for a job and so I don’t know if I will be called in for an interview B) found something by that time which means I will have to work that day or C) I wouldn’t know if I will be well enough to travel.

She knows these reasons and yet instead of respecting them she becomes manipulative in the sense she will say: X person will be ticked off if I can’t make it. She is forever asking if I can make it. When I tell her maybe (due to the reasons I just mentioned) she tells me that I can’t make it then. I tell her no, I said maybe. It goes into a vicious annoying circle because I am constantly having to repeat myself.

Over the last two years I have had to cancel quite a few times because I was either too sick to leave my house or I had a ton of homework to do. When I was very sick, she got offended and tried to almost accuse me of lying to her when she would ask if we could get together. I would say no. She would get offended when she found out that I wasn’t at home because I was either at school or at the doctor’s office. The places she wanted to meet was about 2 hours away while my doctor’s office and school was one hour a way.

I’ve tried threatening to block her onto my text messaging. Recently I told her I had enough and told her I had blocked her on my phone. She went nuts. I hadn’t but I wanted to show her I meant buisness.

I’m getting tired of her disrespect and manipulation. I would love to drop her a friend but we share a common good friend which would make things really uncomfortable if I told her to go fly a kite.

What do you suggest I do to deal with this person?

Thanks SG
 
SecretGarden said:
Hi Folks,

I have a personal non-theological question for everyone. I have a friend of mine who is a pest. I am wondering how can I handle this particular friend.

Here is the story:
She sends about 20 to 30 text messages about nonsense stuff. For instance she will message me and said a bunch of Hi’s, she will complain that she’s getting her period, what I am doing, if I’m home in essence a lot of stupid or invasion questions.

In the past few months, I’ve had enough of her texting. I have told her to facebook me for everything non-urgent and use texting for urgent- she is okay for a short period of time and then she goes back to her old habits. I put her in her place and the circle continues. I’m trying to find a job which means I don’t have the time to answer 20 to 30 text messages in a day. It’s too exhausting.

Today, she Facebooked me a bit and then when I didn’t respond, she started to text me messages that were frivolous in nature. She complained that I wasn’t answering her Facebook messages. I told her I was out. Then she asks what am I doing- its as if she is my mother as opposed to a silly friend. I’m trying to put some distance because I don’t want to be bombarded with a ton of messages that really aren’t important. I have told her to use Facebook for that.

Furthermore, every time there are plans to get together ex hang a friend’s house, activities that will not cost anyone money if a person cancels last minute- she will bug me in some cases as far as three months before the activity and ask if I’m going. I will say maybe because A) I’m looking for a job and so I don’t know if I will be called in for an interview B) found something by that time which means I will have to work that day or C) I wouldn’t know if I will be well enough to travel.

She knows these reasons and yet instead of respecting them she becomes manipulative in the sense she will say: X person will be ticked off if I can’t make it. She is forever asking if I can make it. When I tell her maybe (due to the reasons I just mentioned) she tells me that I can’t make it then. I tell her no, I said maybe. It goes into a vicious annoying circle because I am constantly having to repeat myself.

Over the last two years I have had to cancel quite a few times because I was either too sick to leave my house or I had a ton of homework to do. When I was very sick, she got offended and tried to almost accuse me of lying to her when she would ask if we could get together. I would say no. She would get offended when she found out that I wasn’t at home because I was either at school or at the doctor’s office. The places she wanted to meet was about 2 hours away while my doctor’s office and school was one hour a way.

I’ve tried threatening to block her onto my text messaging. Recently I told her I had enough and told her I had blocked her on my phone. She went nuts. I hadn’t but I wanted to show her I meant buisness.

I’m getting tired of her disrespect and manipulation. I would love to drop her a friend but we share a common good friend which would make things really uncomfortable if I told her to go fly a kite.

What do you suggest I do to deal with this person?

Thanks SG
Click to expand...
Have you tried limiting your electronic interaction and focus on real life communication with her?
 
Block her. Let her go nuts, if she wants to go nuts.
Tell her: You can go bananas all you like, but I’m not changing my mind until you actually quit contacting me over and over to ask the same question I have told you over and over I cannot answer. I’m tired of it. I will not take it any more, and I don’t have to.

I would sit down with your common friend and tell her that while this first woman has her good points, you have had to block her texts and Facebook messages because the woman simply refused to quit bombarding you with messages when you asked her to cut it out. “This isn’t to say I’m on the outs with her or won’t go to a party she’s going to be at or anything, but just to give you a heads up that she may not want to have anything to do with me. I’m sorry if this puts you in a bad position, but I was at my wits in. I couldn’t take it any more. Hints didn’t work, drawing a line didn’t work, and eventually I just had to resort to the consequences I told her was coming if she didn’t let up. Life is too short.”

Then let it go. Honestly, I wouldn’t let her work her way into your good graces again in terms of texting privileges. Bad habits don’t usually change, and she doesn’t see what she has done as wrong. It is not as if she’s an in-law or someone who has a legitimate need to get in touch with you urgently. She has earned a permanent place on your block list.

Maybe if one person really does block her permanently, she’ll make a change in how she treats everyone else in her circle of friends who tells her to back off.
 
My goodness, she sounds nuts.

If nothing has worked, then block her and explain to the mutual friend why you did it. Maybe she is also being harassed and doesn’t know what to do.
 
By replying to all her messages you are feeding the behaviour so stop, set yourself some boundaries, limit yourself to messaging her no more than twice a day, even if she goes nuts it wont kill her.

I’d pray for her as it sounds like she has some serious mental health problems underlying her needy behaviour. The only way she will change is if people in her life stop tolerating her behaviour and put up boundaries.
 
Block here. She doesn’t respect you and won’t change as long as she can get away with this. Block her.

When she complains, and she will, don’t argue the matter. Just tell her she’s blocked from texting you, and can message you on Facebook if she wants.

If she starts to harass you on Facebook, block her there too.
 
Personally, I would let her go. It sounds like you have repeatedly tried to set boundaries with her, and it didn’t work, and she hasn’t been respecting what you have been trying to say to her.

I was in a similar situation with someone, and this is unfortunately what I had to do. I had to repeatedly set boundaries with someone who would not respect them, no matter what I did. 😦
 
I agree she sounds a bit mentally disturbed…
Do not feed this obsession, as it is harassment and bullying.

I would let her text you, tell her she is harassing you, and to stop when u text back…then save texts after that, but do not answer them. Then block her after about 10 texts.

Her next move when you ignore her texts will determine how far she will go…perhaps showing up at your house or work…and u will be glad you have these texts. If she stops then no harm done…
 
I agree - block her. You’ve told her over and over that you need her to respect your time, and she continues. What else can you do?
 
She neither respects boundaries nor your wishes. In my experience with some friendships like this, the only way to fix it (and save your sanity) is to end the friendship. Block her from contacting you on all electronic media.
 
I echo everyone else. But I would add: pray for her. She sounds lonely.
 
SecretGarden said:
Hi Folks,

I have a personal non-theological question for everyone. I have a friend of mine who is a pest. I am wondering how can I handle this particular friend.

Here is the story:
She sends about 20 to 30 text messages about nonsense stuff. For instance she will message me and said a bunch of Hi’s, she will complain that she’s getting her period, what I am doing, if I’m home in essence a lot of stupid or invasion questions.

In the past few months, I’ve had enough of her texting. I have told her to facebook me for everything non-urgent and use texting for urgent- she is okay for a short period of time and then she goes back to her old habits. I put her in her place and the circle continues. I’m trying to find a job which means I don’t have the time to answer 20 to 30 text messages in a day. It’s too exhausting.

Today, she Facebooked me a bit and then when I didn’t respond, she started to text me messages that were frivolous in nature. She complained that I wasn’t answering her Facebook messages. I told her I was out. Then she asks what am I doing- its as if she is my mother as opposed to a silly friend. I’m trying to put some distance because I don’t want to be bombarded with a ton of messages that really aren’t important. I have told her to use Facebook for that.

Furthermore, every time there are plans to get together ex hang a friend’s house, activities that will not cost anyone money if a person cancels last minute- she will bug me in some cases as far as three months before the activity and ask if I’m going. I will say maybe because A) I’m looking for a job and so I don’t know if I will be called in for an interview B) found something by that time which means I will have to work that day or C) I wouldn’t know if I will be well enough to travel.

She knows these reasons and yet instead of respecting them she becomes manipulative in the sense she will say: X person will be ticked off if I can’t make it. She is forever asking if I can make it. When I tell her maybe (due to the reasons I just mentioned) she tells me that I can’t make it then. I tell her no, I said maybe. It goes into a vicious annoying circle because I am constantly having to repeat myself.

Over the last two years I have had to cancel quite a few times because I was either too sick to leave my house or I had a ton of homework to do. When I was very sick, she got offended and tried to almost accuse me of lying to her when she would ask if we could get together. I would say no. She would get offended when she found out that I wasn’t at home because I was either at school or at the doctor’s office. The places she wanted to meet was about 2 hours away while my doctor’s office and school was one hour a way.

I’ve tried threatening to block her onto my text messaging. Recently I told her I had enough and told her I had blocked her on my phone. She went nuts. I hadn’t but I wanted to show her I meant buisness.

I’m getting tired of her disrespect and manipulation. I would love to drop her a friend but we share a common good friend which would make things really uncomfortable if I told her to go fly a kite.

What do you suggest I do to deal with this person?

Thanks SG
Click to expand...
Block her!👍
 
wild_thing said:
I echo everyone else. But I would add: pray for her. She sounds lonely.
Click to expand...
Talking to the friend they have in common will allow that friend, when Pest Friend complains to her (which she almost certainly will), to let her know that when people draw personal boundaries it is not just a suggestion that you are free to ignore if you like. Ignoring boundaries without repentance is how you lose friends. The correct thing to do when you are blocked because you repeatedly violated a friend’s stated boundary is to say this: I am sorry. I understand. You are only doing what you said you would do, and I deserve it. I hope that someday I will deserve to get a second chance, but we’ll wait and see on that. I don’t hold any ill will towards you about this, just know that. I hope when we see each other we can still be on good terms.
 
My closest female friend introduced me to a friend of hers via, well, phone call. She and I talked in person, her friend and I did not. Now, her friend was a homosexual (and he knew my opinion on that lifestyle) and I was fine being his friend. But, it got to the point where he kept calling, and calling, and calling. Even when I was not home, I would call him back and he’d yell at me and tell me that he “knew” I was ignoring him. Now, as far as I know, (if I recall correctly) he only had my house number. Sometimes, I just wasn’t home! He was also harassing my friend. She and I both thought he needed help, and I believe I told him this, but BEFORE I blocked his number. Do a similar thing with your friend, block them, but tell them they need help before you make that decision.
 
Tell your mutual friend first, that you intend to drop her as a friend and why, then tell her to go fly a kite. You are not obliged to deal with her constant interruption in your day or her refusal to respect your boundaries.
 
Catholic1954 said:
Tell your mutual friend first, that you intend to drop her as a friend and why, then tell her to go fly a kite. You are not obliged to deal with her constant interruption in your day or her refusal to respect your boundaries.
Click to expand...
There is no need to “drop her as a friend” in the sense of shunning her. She’s only blocking the one friend from electronic contact because she repeatedly abuses the access in the most egregious way, in spite of repeated warnings to cut it out. The pest friend is just going to have to get in touch with her by other means, such as by mutual friends.

“Sally, I have to give you a heads up. I’m blocking Sarah from Facebook, my cell phone, everything. She would not leave me alone, I told her I’d do it, and she just kept it up. I’m willing to see her at parties and everything, I don’t hate her or anything like that, I’m not putting you in the middle or asking you to choose, but I’m done with letting her have the other end of the electronic leash. If she comes to you, just tell her, ‘Well, she told you she’d block you if you didn’t cut it out, you didn’t cut it out, and now you’re blocked. Don’t come to me and expect that she’s going to unblock you now. It’s not going to happen. My hands are tied. A cell phone number is a privilege. Don’t abuse it, next time.’”

I think the friend will appreciate the heads-up, not to mention being so clearly let off the hook on the role of arbitrator.
 
Give yourself permission to ignore the messages she sends. Either she will stop sending them because she won’t be getting the response she wants, or she’ll keep sending them but you will ignore them and they won’t bother you.
 
In addition to all the above advice, I’d like to let you know there is a great book on how to deal with this now and in the future with either this same ‘friend’ or future people who don’t respect other’s boundaries. Now that we have these very ‘helpful’ secretaries in our purses and pockets that notify us every time a thought flitters through someones head and they chose to text us, you will continue to be dealing with this from time to time.

One way I deal with this, I don’t give out my phone number. Less than 5 people and fewer professional offices have my cell phone number. I also keep my FB page limited in ‘friends’.

Dr. Henry Cloud, ‘Boundaries’.

boundariesbooks.com/

God Bless you for trying to spare your friends feelings, but she isn’t very careful with yours.
 
EasterJoy said:
Talking to the friend they have in common will allow that friend, when Pest Friend complains to her (which she almost certainly will), to let her know that when people draw personal boundaries it is not just a suggestion that you are free to ignore if you like. Ignoring boundaries without repentance is how you lose friends. The correct thing to do when you are blocked because you repeatedly violated a friend’s stated boundary is to say this: I am sorry. I understand. You are only doing what you said you would do, and I deserve it. I hope that someday I will deserve to get a second chance, but we’ll wait and see on that. I don’t hold any ill will towards you about this, just know that. I hope when we see each other we can still be on good terms.
Click to expand...
Oh, I agree. But does it ever hurt to pray for someone? Especially someone who doesn’t respect boundaries and is annoying and harassing you? It’s praying for our ‘enemies’. It benefits both her and the OP.
 
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