Help with marriage issue

[Vanna_Grace]

My husband’s department at work was cut at the beginning of summer. He had been with the company for 18 years. He will continue to get paid until the middle of October due to a severance package. We have watched our saving disappear this summer through one mini catastrophe after another. He has yet to look for a job. I’m getting nervous. Anytime I bring it up he gets very defensive and angry.

I don’t know what is right to do. I’ve offfer to help look, to help with a resume, to help fill out applications but never get a clear answer as to whether he wants me to do that or not. I fear taking the initiative and just doing these things would anger him further. He is very prideful and won’t even consider a job that pays less than what he thinks he should get. I work but my pay isn’t enough to get by…and trust me, we do NOT live extravagantly.

So…what do I do? What is my role here? Just shut up about it and pray? I really don’t know how to proceed.

Thank you.

 

[Xantippe]

My husband’s department at work was cut at the beginning of summer. He had been with the company for 18 years. He will continue to get paid until the middle of October due to a severance package. We have watched our saving disappear this summer through one mini catastrophe after another. He has yet to look for a job. I’m getting nervous. Anytime I bring it up he gets very defensive and angry.

I don’t know what is right to do. I’ve offfer to help look, to help with a resume, to help fill out applications but never get a clear answer as to whether he wants me to do that or not. I fear taking the initiative and just doing these things would anger him further. He is very prideful and won’t even consider a job that pays less than what he thinks he should get. I work but my pay isn’t enough to get by…and trust me, we do NOT live extravagantly.

So…what do I do? What is my role here? Just shut up about it and pray? I really don’t know how to proceed.

Thank you.

That does sound like a disaster in the making. The not willing to take less than he had is especially bad–he’s getting $0 an hour for what he’s doing now. You might want to point that out to him. If he can get $7 or $8 an hour, that’s $7 or $8 an hour more than he makes at his current position.

I would not “shut up about it and pray.” Maybe institute a weekly meeting where you check in and talk about his job search and how it’s going?

I would definitely start a monthly budget meeting where you talk about your budget and what the shortfall is. Schedule one for when your next paycheck comes in. You can find resources for this online. It might actually help him if he realizes that your shortfall is only $500 or $1,000 a month (I’m hoping that’s what it is!), and he could easily make that up with some sort of hourly work. You may have certain things that it’s time to think about selling. Figuring out what to sell to stay afloat will be one of the things you need to talk about.

If he won’t budge, start bringing in third parties (your pastor, a therapist, etc). You might also want to consider a personal finance course to attend together. Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University is a good one, if you have the $100 available. Just getting him out of the house once a week and thinking about money for an hour or so is a good thing, especially given the positive peer environment.

This is an emergency, and you have limited time to get on track.

Best wishes!

 

[Vanna_Grace]

Haha! I had to laugh because your comment about making $0 and then making $8 an hour is EXACTLY what I said to him. Word for word.

We are pretty good at budgeting. I’ve read some of Dave Ramsey’s online tutorials. I really like him. I will take another look. I know that my husband wouldn’t go to anything like that but I can do what I can do.

I will talk to him again today. Praying that he hears me and doesn’t think I’m just griping at him. It’s a delicate situation and my main concern is coming out the other side of this with our marriage strong. Don’t want to push too many buttons that can’t be “unpushed”. It’s also possible that he’s depressed. I KNOW depression but I also know that no one can help you if you don’t even see a problem. He has to see it…and right now, he doesn’t.

As is…I’m looking for a second job. Not what I want to do since I also homeschool my youngest son and work 3 12 hour shifts a week…but I’ll do what I have to do.

Thank you for your reply. I will keep praying that something changes but other than that, I guess I’m the one who is going to be working. Sigh.

 

[KD8TZC]

Vanna… this is a tough one and I don’t know if I have an answer for you.

I lost my job of 12 years back in 2008. I was devastated and never saw it coming. The company I was working for I just loved, and it had been bought out by another company a few years earlier. Sales started slumping and they were losing customers. Many of the directors were let go a few weeks prior to myself being cut, and I felt I was kept for some reason. I was the Director of IT at the time. Well, then I was let go…

My wife and I were in a really bad spot. Yes, she was working and our kids were all in high school at the time. I remember how stressed out I was when I would think of how to find a job. And then I started drinking (heavier than I was before). I went on a few interviews, had some that I thought were really promising, but they never panned out. Eventually though, I did land a good job.

The hardest part for me was accepting that I was no longer going to be the Director of IT. I was going to have to start a rung lower as a manager and take a pay cut. That really hurt as I had to take a 36% pay cut… part of the reason was because the company I had been let go of was paying me more than I was worth (part of the “don’t you dare think of leaving us” mentality). Luckily, I have made up some of that difference since then, but not all of it.

We also had to declare bankruptcy (Chapter 13… the kind where you pay everything back, but under a structured plan through the courts). That was another huge blow to me as I thought only deadbeats claimed bankruptcy. Boy, was I wrong.

The final blow was that I finally realized (about a year after I took the new job) that I had a drinking problem and did something to correct it. Almost 5 years later, I am happy to say that by the Grace of God, I am sober still.

I know for me, although I wouldn’t admit it, I was depressed to some extent. Was I clinically depressed… oh, I’m not a doctor, so I don’t know that, but I know I just could not wrap my head around the fact that I lost my job. I worked so hard and was so dedicated to that company and they just let me go. It didn’t make any sense. For two months (maybe three) I was just paralyzed though. At some point though, the Holy Spirit came down to me and helped me. It may have been from my prayers, my wife’s prayers, or my friends or family’s prayers, but He was with me and finally I found that job.

I will pray for you and your husband and your family. It is not an easy thing to go through, and I wish I had a good answer for you. I do know that God will always be with you. Be there for your husband…. He needs you, and he may be afraid to admit it, or that he is just scared to death.

God bless,

John

 

[mountee]

These are very difficult times in our economy and your situation is so devastating, I will pray for it all to be resolved. To lose your job after 18 years can be so difficult for many people and probably very depressing. It sounds like your husband has fallen into a frozen place unable to take action and you fear creating any more conflict in your home. The problem is that getting another job, depending on your location, can sometimes take a while. Is it possible that a good friend or relative could talk it over with him? Maybe his company is providing transition services that will be available for a short period of time and he needs to try to use this help. Try to be patient if possible and pray for God to lead him forward.

Memorare

REMEMBER, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thy intercession was left unaided. Inspired with this confidence, I fly to thee, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother; to thee do I come; before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me. Amen.

 

[Vanna_Grace]

Thank you for sharing that John. It was like reading my own story. My husband was IT, gave his all to the company, now is drinking much, much more (though, in my opinion this has been a problem for a long time) than usual and yes, I think he is paralyzed (perfect word for what it seems to be). Sigh. I will just keep praying and have hope that it all works out. I don’t think I can motivate him, anything I say just seems to anger him. I guess I will focus on what I can do for our situation and leave the rest to God. I don’t know what else to do.

Thank you again. Hopefully I will be able to give a positive update before too long.

 

[Vanna_Grace]

Thank you, Mountee. I appreciate the prayers.

I have thought about asking someone else to talk to him but I fear he would be upset about sharing “his business” with other people. I will pray about that and hopefully God will give me discernment about whether that would be helpful or not.

Thank you!

 

[Xantippe]

We are pretty good at budgeting. I’ve read some of Dave Ramsey’s online tutorials. I really like him. I will take another look. I know that my husband wouldn’t go to anything like that but I can do what I can do.

Why wouldn’t he go to a class? Too depressed? Thinks he knows it all?

I will talk to him again today. Praying that he hears me and doesn’t think I’m just griping at him.

**If you set aside a particular time to talk to him about his job search once a week and he knows when it’s coming and you choose a good time (when everybody is rested and fed), it’s not griping.

By the way, does he actually even want to go back to IT? This might be an opportunity for a fresh start in some other field.
**

It’s a delicate situation and my main concern is coming out the other side of this with our marriage strong. Don’t want to push too many buttons that can’t be “unpushed”. It’s also possible that he’s depressed. I KNOW depression but I also know that no one can help you if you don’t even see a problem. He has to see it…and right now, he doesn’t.

**Oh, I’m sure he does see the problem. Which is why he’s paralyzed.

I’ve never had a job loss after such a long period of employment, but I have had the experience of having to be nudged into looking for a job after finishing a tough graduate program and then after relocating for my husband’s new job. And I’m sure it will be tough when I move on from being an SAHM. It’s always tough to start again, but there is momentum once you start the process. **

As is…I’m looking for a second job. Not what I want to do since I also homeschool my youngest son and work 3 12 hour shifts a week…but I’ll do what I have to do.

**Have you explained this to your husband?
Also, do you feel safe leaving your kids at home with him?
Do you have any large expense that you can do away with? Private school? A car to sell? Kids’ activities? Downsize the house?
**

Thank you for your reply. I will keep praying that something changes but other than that, I guess I’m the one who is going to be working. Sigh.

Good luck!

 

[Vanna_Grace]

Good luck!

He wouldn’t go to the class because he’s not very social and just not a “joiner”. He has the same 3 friends that he’s had since Elementary school. lol He’s not good with new things or change.

I don’t know how he is feeling about IT. He really won’t talk about it. I would hope he would be open to new avenues but am not sure.

I would feel safe leaving him with our youngest during the day, if I had to work another job BUT homeschooling my sons (our oldest is now in college) is everything to me. I cannot even imagine not doing it. It would be the one aspect of my life that I just couldn’t give up.

We really don’t have anything to sell and our home is definitely not fancy…downgrade would be almost impossible. There are a few things I could (and will trim) but they really don’t amount too much. I will have to do better with meal planning to reduce grocery costs. I will do all I can but he MUST find something…anything.

Thank you. I appreciate your thought on this.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

The family life subforum: sponsored by Dave Ramsey.

 

[Xantippe]

The family life subforum: sponsored by Dave Ramsey.

A good 25% of it.

Oh, the talking to DR would give the OP’s husband…

Just dropping the liquor purchases would probably help a lot.

 

[KD8TZC]

He wouldn’t go to the class because he’s not very social and just not a “joiner”. He has the same 3 friends that he’s had since Elementary school. lol He’s not good with new things or change.

Maybe we have some insight as to why he is paralyzed. Some people in IT are introverted and are terrified of change (read Who Moved My Cheese). The love IT because they don’t have to deal with people (in some IT jobs) and so they don’t have to worry about socially awkward situations. I’m not saying that is the way your husband is, but having worked in IT for over 20 years, there is a strong segment who are this way.

Do you recall how he got his last job? Also, were there any indications as to why he lost his current job? What did he do in IT?

One of the fastest growing areas in IT is in hospitals. With more pressure being placed on hospitals to have electronic medical records per the government mandates, the IT staff are strained to keep up. I work for a very large and well known hospital system and even when we are not hiring, we are hiring people with IT skills.

Sometimes it will be hard to get in a medical system, but there is always a shortage of project managers and the like. I don’t know if he has any project management experience, but that may be one way in the door.

If he is a hardware guy (servers, networks, etc) then hospitals all have that too. Some will farm that out, but many have in house staff.

Anyhow, if you could let us know some more, maybe I can give you some places to look.

God bless,

John

 

[pianistclare]

My husband’s department at work was cut at the beginning of summer. He had been with the company for 18 years. He will continue to get paid until the middle of October due to a severance package. We have watched our saving disappear this summer through one mini catastrophe after another. He has yet to look for a job. I’m getting nervous. Anytime I bring it up he gets very defensive and angry.

I don’t know what is right to do. I’ve offfer to help look, to help with a resume, to help fill out applications but never get a clear answer as to whether he wants me to do that or not. I fear taking the initiative and just doing these things would anger him further. He is very prideful and won’t even consider a job that pays less than what he thinks he should get. I work but my pay isn’t enough to get by…and trust me, we do NOT live extravagantly.

So…what do I do? What is my role here? Just shut up about it and pray? I really don’t know how to proceed.

Thank you.

What is right to do is to get him involved in a “job seekers” type program. Where men and women recently out of work get together, network, get resume tips, and in general realize they are not alone. You can’t do this for him, trust me. He needs encouragement from others…you will only be seen as nagging.
I know this scenario very well. My late husband for 13 years felt like every job offer was beneath him. Every offer. He’d come home and say "can you believe those jerks expect me to work for 45 grand a year??? (He felt he was worth at least 70) . He would turn them down in the most rude and combative way. Made burning bridges a science.
It’s depression. Pure and simple. He needs therapy, and a good core group of friends and acquaintances who have had similar experiences. I prayed and yet, mine got worse and worse. Add in an aggressive personality and alcoholism, and it was a recipe for disaster. A change has to come from within HIM. Hopefully he is praying fro his situation himself.
Not saying your situation is as bad as ours was…but he needs another person working with him. A therapist, a priest, a mentor, somebody.
Good luck, I’ll pray for you.

 

[Vanna_Grace]

Maybe we have some insight as to why he is paralyzed. Some people in IT are introverted and are terrified of change (read Who Moved My Cheese). The love IT because they don’t have to deal with people (in some IT jobs) and so they don’t have to worry about socially awkward situations. I’m not saying that is the way your husband is, but having worked in IT for over 20 years, there is a strong segment who are this way.

Yes. That is him to a T.

Do you recall how he got his last job? Also, were there any indications as to why he lost his current job? What did he do in IT?

We met at the job. I’m not sure how he came to apply there but he started out in a more production type position and worked his way into IT. He was the only tech person at this location of the company. He fixed anything that went wrong and provided help desk type support for other branches of the company. He lost the job because they moved the branch to the companies HQ. Lots of people lost their job in this cut. All of his former upper management people wrote him recommendations. He did a really good job there and LOVED his job.

One of the fastest growing areas in IT is in hospitals. With more pressure being placed on hospitals to have electronic medical records per the government mandates, the IT staff are strained to keep up. I work for a very large and well known hospital system and even when we are not hiring, we are hiring people with IT skills.

Sometimes it will be hard to get in a medical system, but there is always a shortage of project managers and the like. I don’t know if he has any project management experience, but that may be one way in the door.

If he is a hardware guy (servers, networks, etc) then hospitals all have that too. Some will farm that out, but many have in house staff.

Yes, I think he’s more of a hardware guy…lol…I’m sorry, I’m not the most techy savvy person in the world. Interesting about the hospital positions. I will let him know that. He actually worked in a hospital before he came to his last job but as a surgical tech.

Anyhow, if you could let us know some more, maybe I can give you some places to look.

God bless,

John

I’m trying not to pass out from shock but I just went out to the dining room and he’s looking up jobs on INDEED. Whoo hoo!. I played it cool though…all causal and non-interested like.

 

[pianistclare]

Yes. That is him to a T.

We met at the job. I’m not sure how he came to apply there but he started out in a more production type position and worked his way into IT. He was the only tech person at this location of the company. He fixed anything that went wrong and provided help desk type support for other branches of the company. He lost the job because they moved the branch to the companies HQ. Lots of people lost their job in this cut. All of his former upper management people wrote him recommendations. He did a really good job there and LOVED his job.

Yes, I think he’s more of a hardware guy…lol…I’m sorry, I’m not the most techy savvy person in the world. Interesting about the hospital positions. I will let him know that. He actually worked in a hospital before he came to his last job but as a surgical tech.

I’m trying not to pass out from shock but I just went out to the dining room and he’s looking up jobs on INDEED. Whoo hoo!. I played it cool though…all causal and non-interested like.

INDEED is one of the better sites. Also go to Monster for resume visibility.
Good luck!

 

[Vanna_Grace]

What is right to do is to get him involved in a “job seekers” type program. Where men and women recently out of work get together, network, get resume tips, and in general realize they are not alone. You can’t do this for him, trust me. He needs encouragement from others…you will only be seen as nagging.
I know this scenario very well. My late husband for 13 years felt like every job offer was beneath him. Every offer. He’d come home and say "can you believe those jerks expect me to work for 45 grand a year??? (He felt he was worth at least 70) . He would turn them down in the most rude and combative way. Made burning bridges a science.
It’s depression. Pure and simple. He needs therapy, and a good core group of friends and acquaintances who have had similar experiences. I prayed and yet, mine got worse and worse. Add in an aggressive personality and alcoholism, and it was a recipe for disaster. A change has to come from within HIM. Hopefully he is praying fro his situation himself.
Not saying your situation is as bad as ours was…but he needs another person working with him. A therapist, a priest, a mentor, somebody.
Good luck, I’ll pray for you.

Sounds very familiar. I hope he doesn’t get that bitter but I fear it will be that way. I’ve asked him for years to go to therapy but he won’t. I may be able to talk him into talking to our priest but I would have to be kind of tricky about it and that might now turn out well. I know he is praying. He asks me to pray about it several times a week. For some reason he thinks I’m a better praying. I will look into the job seeker type programs in the area. I do think this would be helpful to him. Thank you!

 

[styrgwillidar]

Are you sure he’s not looking for a job, but not finding anything? Most jobs are through networking, a lot of it on-line. Could be he’s doing a lot of it, trying not to worry you over the fact he’s not getting any bites or interviews. My brother has a heavy IT background, speaks several foreign languages, lots of contacts and only got a couple of interviews over the period of several months in SoCal. Moved to Vegas and has been getting many interviews there immediately upon moving.

Losing a job can be a huge blow to the ego. Men often see themselves as team players, we hate to let down the team and it makes us feel like failures. Unfortunately, you’re part of the team and have every right to know what he’s doing about it, every time you bring it up it highlights to him that he’s a failure- even though that’s not your opinion or intention at all. Very, very tough situation to be in. He doesn’t want you to be his mother pushing him to do his work, but he can’t live up to supporting you as his wife right now either.

Odd thing about looking for a job though, folks are more likely to get interviewed and get another job while currently employed than while unemployed. I’ve heard that in several transition seminars given to folks leaving military service. Just because he takes a lower paying job right now, it doesn’t mean he’s stuck with it. It’s simply a transition position while he continues looking for the right job.

What would he tell one of his kids to do that finds themselves in his position? What will they learn from observing how he deals with this?

 

[Vanna_Grace]

INDEED is one of the better sites. Also go to Monster for resume visibility.
Good luck!

Thank you! I will let him know about Monster.

 

[Vanna_Grace]

Are you sure he’s not looking for a job, but not finding anything? Most jobs are through networking, a lot of it on-line. Could be he’s doing a lot of it, trying not to worry you over the fact he’s not getting any bites or interviews. My brother has a heavy IT background, speaks several foreign languages, lots of contacts and only got a couple of interviews over the period of several months in SoCal. Moved to Vegas and has been getting many interviews there immediately upon moving.

He has said he hasn’t looked (until today!) but I could definitely see him just leaving me out of the loop about everything…and as you stated, it’s not fair of him to do that but it wouldn’t surprise me.

Losing a job can be a huge blow to the ego. Men often see themselves as team players, we hate to let down the team and it makes us feel like failures. Unfortunately, you’re part of the team and have every right to know what he’s doing about it, every time you bring it up it highlights to him that he’s a failure- even though that’s not your opinion or intention at all. Very, very tough situation to be in. He doesn’t want you to be his mother pushing him to do his work, but he can’t live up to supporting you as his wife right now either.

Yes. I think is absolutely correct. I don’t want to come across as trying to mother him. It’s such a delicate balance. I feel like I’m tiptoeing around, trying to the right thing, the helpful thing…which admittedly is very hard for me. I’m not a tiptoe. I’m a kick the door down and get the job done kind of person. Maybe God is testing ME here.

Odd thing about looking for a job though, folks are more likely to get interviewed and get another job while currently employed than while unemployed. I’ve heard that in several transition seminars given to folks leaving military service. Just because he takes a lower paying job right now, it doesn’t mean he’s stuck with it. It’s simply a transition position while he continues looking for the right job.

What would he tell one of his kids to do that finds themselves in his position? What will they learn from observing how he deals with this?

That is one of the things I find so fascinating about him not looking for a job until now. He told me himself that he read an article that it said that once you have been off work for 6 months, employers will barely look at you anymore (which is sad and crazy IMO). I hope he will see this truth, that just because he takes a lower paying, maybe not so glamorous job, he doesn’t have to stay there forever. He can still keep looking while working.

Our oldest (18) son told me that he’s “disappointed” in the way Dad is handling this. He said that he would do whatever he needed to do to support his family and not let pride get in the way. So in a way, he is causing his son to lose respect for him…which breaks my heart. I wouldn’t tell my husband that because it would crush him. I don’t think it would be helpful right now for him to know that.

 

[pianistclare]

He has said he hasn’t looked (until today!) but I could definitely see him just leaving me out of the loop about everything…and as you stated, it’s not fair of him to do that but it wouldn’t surprise me.

Yes. I think is absolutely correct. I don’t want to come across as trying to mother him. It’s such a delicate balance. I feel like I’m tiptoeing around, trying to the right thing, the helpful thing…which admittedly is very hard for me. I’m not a tiptoe. I’m a kick the door down and get the job done kind of person. Maybe God is testing ME here.

That is one of the things I find so fascinating about him not looking for a job until now. He told me himself that he read an article that it said that once you have been off work for 6 months, employers will barely look at you anymore (which is sad and crazy IMO). I hope he will see this truth, that just because he takes a lower paying, maybe not so glamorous job, he doesn’t have to stay there forever. He can still keep looking while working.

Our oldest (18) son told me that he’s “disappointed” in the way Dad is handling this. He said that he would do whatever he needed to do to support his family and not let pride get in the way. So in a way, he is causing his son to lose respect for him…which breaks my heart. I wouldn’t tell my husband that because it would crush him. I don’t think it would be helpful right now for him to know that.

Tell your son that dad might be depressed, and that it would go a long way of he had a little casual chat with dad to say…we’re behind you dad. He shouldn’t mention anything other than that which says: “we love you dad.” We know everything will work out in the end, I’m here for you if you want to talk. Dad needs to NOT isolate himself.
Since he is actually looking now, the notion that dad is falling down in his obligation should be put aside. It’s incredibly hard for anyone to be unemployed when that is how they identify as a valuable person to society and their family.

That’s why support groups, mentors, friend, family are crucial. Don’t allow him to wallow or hide in a room with the internet. He needs human contact and support.
My current husband (I’m was a widow) has been unemployed for 4 years! He had the added cross of being an immigrant and the hoops that the immigration process makes one jump through. No one would give him a chance…companies don’t want the paperwork.
But, he got offered a new job on Thursday and we are rejoicing. Be patient, encourage him to be patient. His field is huge, and his odds are better. There’s always someone worse off. Be assured of our prayers.