Help with Marriage

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catholicgirl30

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Hello to all… seeking advice filled with faith and truth.
I’ve been married a few years, striving to learn, grow and live a catholic marriage. To make a very long story short, my husband does not like having sex with me. I’ve tried to pray alot about it, not to let resentment build and to try and understand. But now that I’m over 30, I would like to have children, yet when I bring up the subject, he gets very wishy-washy. He will go out with me to look at baby items, even suggests things he likes, but will not have sex with me when I’m fertile (NFP). He has mentioned things… that I don’t turn him on, or dress sexy enough, but I don’t seem to notice a difference when I do what he has asked. After much prayer, I believe that he just says those things as excuses expecting me not to dress up or perform what he has asked. I’m really beginning to struggle and divorce has entered my mind, yet my heart feels it will be a sin. We have tried counseling, but he drops out not too long after starting (we tried multiple times to restart)… I’ve gone to my priest on my own, but he just keeps suggesting counseling. I’m feeling very discouraged and hopeless. I keep praying, yet I feel so very alone. With advent beginning this weekend I’ve thought about fasting of some kind, because I really don’t know if I can pray any more or harder than I have been the last few years… any suggestions? Scripture versus to help? Prayers that could aid? Thanks for any suggestions.
 
**Have you tried going to a good Catholic counselor on your own? Or try a different priest? Some are much better at the advice part than others (they are only human too).

Is this a new behavior with your husband or has he always been like this? If he has always been like this you might want to consider the possibility that your marriage is not valid. Now, before anyone jumps on me, I am not suggesting she divorce him over this or leave prematurely. SHE brought up that she has been considering divorce…knowing whether her marriage might not be valid could be an important deciding factor. Especially before bringing children into a relationship that is struggling.**
**
I am sorry I don’t have any concrete suggestions for you. But you have my prayers. God bless you.**
 
I had the opposite problem but here’s what I could suggest. I think its important to first truly give ALL of yourself to him. You are married after all. I’m not saying you’ve been selfish in the past at all but what I am saying is that I sort of believe in the theory that “good goes around”. What I would suggest is to be his everything. Indudlge in his desire for sexy clothes, do his laundry, be attentive to him, build him up, support him, cuddle with him, pray for him, make dinner, etc. I know thats not a small task but I truly believe that too many relationships (my past included) were interested in “winning” the argument and trying to get the other person to see their side. In reality, it doesn’t matter who wins your argument of why you aren’t having sex. The bottom line is that there is currently a lack of giving in your relationship. By giving freely of yourself without resent or expectation, I believe that you will open up your heart to see his delimma and he may open his heart to your needs.

In the end, you took him for better or worse. Love him unconditionally and see beyond your needs. He’s obviously messing up right now but it takes a true lover to see why he is at that point right now and to still love him in spite of his faults. At the end of the day, by doing this, you are imitating Jesus’s love for his spouse.

God Bless
 
And one last thing. Please do not even give in to the temptation of thinking about divorce. That is an EVIL, EVIL, EVIL thought. I can’t empahsize that enough. Unlike other people on the CAF who tend to condone it or make excuses for it, there are VERY, very few reasons of why it is permitted according to the church. From my own perspective, it is painful, so painful. I have been where you are right now. And all I can say is that don’t be deceived. Even though things may seem deperate, there is so much hope in your relationship still. Neither adultery, nor pornography or lack of sexual relations breaks the bonds of marriage legitimately. You signed on the dotted line, you are HIS princess and you have the potential to be his HERO as your help your husband on his way to heaven.

You can do it, we’re here to help…
 
catholicgirl30 said:
Hello to all… seeking advice filled with faith and truth.
I’ve been married a few years, striving to learn, grow and live a catholic marriage. To make a very long story short, my husband does not like having sex with me. I’ve tried to pray alot about it, not to let resentment build and to try and understand. But now that I’m over 30, I would like to have children, yet when I bring up the subject, he gets very wishy-washy. He will go out with me to look at baby items, even suggests things he likes, but will not have sex with me when I’m fertile (NFP). He has mentioned things… that I don’t turn him on, or dress sexy enough, but I don’t seem to notice a difference when I do what he has asked. After much prayer, I believe that he just says those things as excuses expecting me not to dress up or perform what he has asked. I’m really beginning to struggle and divorce has entered my mind, yet my heart feels it will be a sin. We have tried counseling, but he drops out not too long after starting (we tried multiple times to restart)… I’ve gone to my priest on my own, but he just keeps suggesting counseling. I’m feeling very discouraged and hopeless. I keep praying, yet I feel so very alone. With advent beginning this weekend I’ve thought about fasting of some kind, because I really don’t know if I can pray any more or harder than I have been the last few years… any suggestions? Scripture versus to help? Prayers that could aid? Thanks for any suggestions.
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I’m sorry your first post is about this, but welcome to CAF.

How is he when you are not fertile? Is he good to go then?

The problem is NOT you sweetie, so don’t beat yourself up over it

Are y’all having problems in other areas?
 
catholicgirl30 said:
Hello to all… seeking advice filled with faith and truth.
I’ve been married a few years, striving to learn, grow and live a catholic marriage. To make a very long story short, my husband does not like having sex with me. I’ve tried to pray alot about it, not to let resentment build and to try and understand. But now that I’m over 30, I would like to have children, yet when I bring up the subject, he gets very wishy-washy. He will go out with me to look at baby items, even suggests things he likes, but will not have sex with me when I’m fertile (NFP). He has mentioned things… that I don’t turn him on, or dress sexy enough, but I don’t seem to notice a difference when I do what he has asked. After much prayer, I believe that he just says those things as excuses expecting me not to dress up or perform what he has asked. I’m really beginning to struggle and divorce has entered my mind, yet my heart feels it will be a sin. We have tried counseling, but he drops out not too long after starting (we tried multiple times to restart)… I’ve gone to my priest on my own, but he just keeps suggesting counseling. I’m feeling very discouraged and hopeless. I keep praying, yet I feel so very alone. With advent beginning this weekend I’ve thought about fasting of some kind, because I really don’t know if I can pray any more or harder than I have been the last few years… any suggestions? Scripture versus to help? Prayers that could aid? Thanks for any suggestions.
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Don’t give up too easily. I know it’s easy to think that way when one feels rejected. BTDT. Patience. Sounds like the bio clock is beating louder. You two sound like you’re not “in sync” rignt now. And that is a very lonely place. If counselling seems intimidating, try a marriage retreat or 10 Great Dates to get you two talking about the same things at the same time. It might help.

Prayers for you!
 
catholicgirl30 said:
Hello to all… seeking advice filled with faith and truth.
I’ve been married a few years, striving to learn, grow and live a catholic marriage. To make a very long story short, my husband does not like having sex with me. I’ve tried to pray alot about it, not to let resentment build and to try and understand. But now that I’m over 30, I would like to have children, yet when I bring up the subject, he gets very wishy-washy. He will go out with me to look at baby items, even suggests things he likes, but will not have sex with me when I’m fertile (NFP). He has mentioned things… that I don’t turn him on, or dress sexy enough, but I don’t seem to notice a difference when I do what he has asked. After much prayer, I believe that he just says those things as excuses expecting me not to dress up or perform what he has asked. I’m really beginning to struggle and divorce has entered my mind, yet my heart feels it will be a sin. We have tried counseling, but he drops out not too long after starting (we tried multiple times to restart)… I’ve gone to my priest on my own, but he just keeps suggesting counseling. I’m feeling very discouraged and hopeless. I keep praying, yet I feel so very alone. With advent beginning this weekend I’ve thought about fasting of some kind, because I really don’t know if I can pray any more or harder than I have been the last few years… any suggestions? Scripture versus to help? Prayers that could aid? Thanks for any suggestions.
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Hi catholicgirl;

I’m sorry you’re experiencing this in your marriage.

I disagree with the advice, to basically become your husband’s maid and fantasy girl, in hopes of receiving sex from him. Oh my gosh…no.😦 I would *not *give up on the marriage, but I would not wait on my husband hand and foot, in hopes that he’d desire me. I believe that marriage is about communication and partnership. Not one feeling like he/she has to jump through all kinds of hoops to receive love. I mean, wouldn’t that be conditional love then? You sound like a very loving wife, as well…so, that is advice I disagree with.

I don’t think this is about desire at all, frankly. I think he is ‘wishy washy’ about having a baby, so if he seems like he doesn’t desire you, you will not ‘bother’ him to have sex. I would imagine that is where the issue lies–his ‘fear’ perhaps of becoming a dad. This is not abnormal, really. The way he is dismissing you, seems harsh. But, again, I don’t think it’s about what you look like, etc. I think that sometimes one’s fears of the unknown can seem so overwhelming, that one can make excuses to avoid all kinds of activities, in this case, sex with you. Because he knows it might lead to a baby. Just guessing, not knowing you both, but it sounds like that could be it.

I personally think the best start to confronting this, would be for you and he to meet with a trusted priest/spriritual advisor within your community.

Did you both discuss having children before you married?

I’ll keep you both in my prayers.
 
I’m old. So my instincts are based on a lot of experience. And may or may not be right. I would suspect one of the following is coming into play here

He is afraid of having a child.

He is ambivalent about his sexuality (read that, “he is gay”).

He is involved with another woman (or man, see above).

If any of these is a possibility, please

Get some support for yourself, as you deserve better in your marriage from your husband.

Be sure you are protected physically from any sexually transmitted disease if indeed you are intimate.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.
 
Like a moth to the flame here I go…

He is breaking his vows with you. That is grounds or annulment.

I am not saying you should do that, I am just pointing out a fact.

I am sending prayers up for you.

Sorry.

No, I would not stay in a sexless (for no good physical reason that is) marriage myself. It’s gotta be hard, I can’t imagine.

Prayers.

Years? really? wow. Sorry. 😦
 
KCtheMommy said:
He is breaking his vows with you. That is grounds or annulment.
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Just for the record, in and of itself, it is not grounds for an annulment. However, it is certainly indicative of there being other grounds for an annulment.
 
IrishAm said:
I’m old. So my instincts are based on a lot of experience. And may or may not be right. I would suspect one of the following is coming into play here

He is afraid of having a child.

He is ambivalent about his sexuality (read that, “he is gay”).

He is involved with another woman (or man, see above).

If any of these is a possibility, please

Get some support for yourself, as you deserve better in your marriage from your husband.

Be sure you are protected physically from any sexually transmitted disease if indeed you are intimate.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.
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I must be getting old myself…lol Those thoughts occured to me also. 😦 (not the gay bullet point though)
 
Once again, I’m blown away by the quickness to which people jump to an annulment statement. Don’t GO there. Going down that line of thinking is a kin to just saying maybe you should just throw in the towel and consider a divorce. Because you have to get divorced to get an annulment. Suggesting looking into an annulment completely changes many people’s trajectory. They may come to CAF looking for help and end up mentally giving up on their relationship because they just decide for themselves that the marriage may not be valid. We risk alienating souls by doing that. The church has set up a court to determine validity for a reason. It seems on this board that annulments cover a multitude of sins and I wonder if some of the people suggesting them bring up the topic so that they themselves feel more justified about an annulment. According to this board that if a husband becomes selfish and has withholds sex or cheats then an annulment is guaranteed. That is not the case at all. Cheating is not cause for an annulment, neither is a lack of desire for sex or pornography. We are all sinners and all have our struggles. The point of marriage is to lead your partner through their struggles to heaven, even in spite of rejection or pain. Choosing the greater love is helping the other person at any cost. Your goal is to get your husband to heaven, period. It is not to find a loophole to feel justified in giving up when it gets hard. In my opinion, an annulment is difficult to believe in. It is not Bibically based and was barely mentioned in the church until the middle ages. I believe it only b/c I trust in the wisdom of the church. That being said, some people who throw it around all the time on this forum are opening a crack of evilness (in the mind of those who are struggling) to break up many valid marriages that are just struggling. I’m not trying to start a verbal argument here but I think that its important to stand up for marriages and not question the validity of a marriage because of a struggle, argument or personality conflict. Using that faulty logic could make EVERY marriage invalid. God gives us grace to overcome these struggles. Maybe the true problem isn’t a lack of validity but rather a lack of a deep spiritual prayer life between the couple. I say this even after being divorced. I may not know the key to a successful 50 year + marriage but I do know what makes one fail. And I hope that through my suffering I can help others see the true pain one feels by going through something as EVIL as divorce.

I actually agree with much of the advice given in this thread (with the exception of considering an annulment). But some of you are misinterpreting my response. Let me make this clear. I am not advocating the OP to be a “French Maid or pin-up girl” but I am challenging her to give of herself completely. The world tells us to “not wait on my husband hand and foot, in hopes that he’d desire me”. But in marriage we are called to love completely and treasure each other. As long as his needs aren’t immoral, illegal, evil or go against your personal beliefs, I say why not? What do you have to lose but your marriage? A man is by nature more visual in the marriage. What if this whole problem is just caused by her not dressing up to be attractive? (I personally doubt it and agree that it is a much deeper issue). It’s worth a shot though…By meeting his needs or fulfilling his complaints of where you are falling short in his mind, it does two things.
1.) It breaks down that barrier that is perceived by the husband. If the husband is using the lack of sexy clothes or dressing up as an excuse for other ills(which is very possible), it eliminates this lame excuse. If things do not improve, it allows the OP to determine other possible causes like pornography, hormones, lust, infidelity, homosexual desires and then work to solve the root of the problem through counseling and prayer.

2.) However, the husband could be avoiding sex and “testing” his wife because he is unsure of her true faithfulness to him. Maybe he doesn’t want kids because he is scared of them or doubts himself. I’m not justifying this behavior at all. I’m just saying that he could be using this as an excuse for a deeper problem.

My suggestion to try to address the husband’s complaints comes from recently helping my best friend. They are also about the same age as the OP. In his case, he was really taken over by evil and on the verge of an affair. For a couple of months, they were struggling because of moving to a new city. She was depressed, he was stressed with his new job and they had been trying for years to get pregnant. He was really frustrated that his wife wouldn’t curl her hair or wear attractive clothing when they went out with friends from work. She was hurting and called me as his friend to see what I could do to help. I recommended that she give all of herself (through prayer, fulfilling his desires, taking care of her body), and at first she rejected saying how he’s totally out of love with her and it won’t make a difference. I encouraged her otherwise and prayed for their marriage. She finally did try it and was amazed at the results. Six months later, they were back from the brink of divorce. And the catalyst was her curling her hair and buying some more attractive clothes for some of his business dinners. And surprisingly, her need to go to the doctor for antidepressants was gone too. There are many reasons for the success but I believe two central things. One, she prayed for her husband (and God listened) and two she let go of her pride/selfishness/etc and fulfilled his desires. He rediscovered his passion inside the marriage for his wife. And there is nothing more beautiful than that.
 
A woman who wants to have children will not have children with a “husband” who refuses to have sexual intercourse with her.

It sound to me as if his ambivalence has a root about which you are totally unaware. If you have considered the “gay bulleted item” and have decided that this couldn’t be the cause, consider the possibility that that he is impotent (on steroids for any reason?), mysogynistic, or just plain fearful of the responsibility of family and fatherhood.

Re: counseling: you can’t do both parts. Either he joins you from beginning to resolution or you go by yourself to determine whether or not you are willing to abandon the desire to have children just to keep what sounds like a very unsatisfying marriage “together”.

Divorce isn’t nearly as horrid as staying in the wrong marriage.

marietta
 
Gambino, suggesting annulment isn’t evil. And you have to have a divorce to get an annulment.

You need to be aware that there are three principal intentions to make a marriage valid that BOTH spouses need to have when they marry:

They need to believe marriage is
PERMANENT AND INDISSOLUBLE.
THEY MUST BE READY TO ACCEPT CHILDREN INTO THE MARRIAGE.
THEY MUST GO INTO THE MARRIAGE WITH THE INTENT THAT IT IS EXCLUSIVE.

Any of these lacking invalidates the consent at the time of a wedding just like intent to defraud can invalidate a business contract.

Maybe this so-called marriage really isn’t one because the husband has no real intention of having children. Counselling will get to the root of this.

But a man who withholds sexual relations from a wife who loves him is being cruel, and it’s not normal, and it may be indicative of other mental issues that can also invalidate the free and full consent of the will necessary for a real marriage.

The only thing worse than divorce is divorce where children are involved. And wouldn’t it be a greater tragedy if this woman spent years and finally convinced this man to have a child and he did but the real problems didn’t go away and a child was brought into a bad union?

There seems more to this story than we have from the information she has given. A marriage can’t be 95/5. It has to be more equal than that.

This woman has tried counselling, but her husband is as passive aggressive about that as he is about children. How cruel to go into stores and look at baby things and then do nothing to create one!

He is a mean tease is what he is!

:mad:

This is starting to affect this poor woman in grave spiritual ways.

Virtual newlywed women shouldn’t be dealing with a husband who wants nothing to do with them.

I have to say, some men will be cruel no matter how great you cook and clean the house. He knows she wants children but he isn’t even honest enough with her to tell her he doesn’t want any.

CatholicGirl, I suggest you seriously consider what kind of father he will be. You will probably be a wonderful and caring mother. But have you really examined this situation and asked yourself what kind of father he would be if you got sick and died or something? Would he be as uncaring toward a child as to you?

I see no selflessness on his part, no sacrifice from what you say. Instead, he blames YOU and puts you on the defensive for his own behavior.

I would suggest you give yourself a timetable by which he should have grown up (that really should have been before the walk down the aisle, but you can’t change that now). If he hasn’t, then you need to think about life without a child (except for the big passive aggressive one who drags you through baby stores and pretends to be interested and then yanks away your hopes and dreams. He’s quite the controlling guy there!)

Since he won’t stay with counselling… document who you went to and how it went. Keep the addresses. You may need them for a tribunal. They want to know all the steps you took to save the marriage.

Sounds like counselling gets too close to some issues he doesn’t want to discuss.

If there are things he has kept from you before marriage, that also invalidates your consent if the truth would have kept you from accepting his proposal. (Like if he were secretly gay or something, or had previous secret encounters you didn’t know about, and if you did, you would have not married him.)

Hate to say it, but I agree with some of the crankier more jaded old people here. He is NOT behaving like a new husband! And it is NOT your fault. But he’s laying the blame on you and it’s starting to hurt you. Please go to counselling alone and talk this out with a good Catholic counselor.
 
Liberanosamalo said:
Hate to say it, but I agree with some of the crankier more jaded old people here. He is NOT behaving like a new husband! And it is NOT your fault. But he’s laying the blame on you and it’s starting to hurt you. Please go to counselling alone and talk this out with a good Catholic counselor.
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**
I think your entire post was great and offered very wise advice.

I especially agree with the fact that there is only one thing more tragic than a divorce, and that is a divorce with children.
**
But, I am not old, nor cranky, and hopefully not jaded, lol…
 
catholicgirl30 said:
Hello to all… seeking advice filled with faith and truth.
I’ve been married a few years, striving to learn, grow and live a catholic marriage. To make a very long story short, my husband does not like having sex with me. I’ve tried to pray alot about it, not to let resentment build and to try and understand. But now that I’m over 30, I would like to have children, yet when I bring up the subject, he gets very wishy-washy. He will go out with me to look at baby items, even suggests things he likes, but will not have sex with me when I’m fertile (NFP). He has mentioned things… that I don’t turn him on, or dress sexy enough, but I don’t seem to notice a difference when I do what he has asked. After much prayer, I believe that he just says those things as excuses expecting me not to dress up or perform what he has asked. I’m really beginning to struggle and divorce has entered my mind, yet my heart feels it will be a sin. We have tried counseling, but he drops out not too long after starting (we tried multiple times to restart)… I’ve gone to my priest on my own, but he just keeps suggesting counseling. I’m feeling very discouraged and hopeless. I keep praying, yet I feel so very alone. With advent beginning this weekend I’ve thought about fasting of some kind, because I really don’t know if I can pray any more or harder than I have been the last few years… any suggestions? Scripture versus to help? Prayers that could aid? Thanks for any suggestions.
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I could have written this post a few years ago. I know the struggles you are going through, believe me. A few things I learned the hard way:

  1. *]This isn’t about you being sexy enough, pretty enough,thin enough,feminine enough or what ever…
    *]This is about his power, fear and control…
    *]It doesn’t matter what you do to please him… it will never be what he wants.
    *]This won’t be resolved until he works on his issues
    *]You need to work on your self esteem…you are pretty, smart, sexy… trust me…BTDT!!!
    I am not advocating divorce however… If he does not get the help he needs to work on his issues… it will come to the point where you are crying yourself to sleep every night and convincing yourself that staying together is what you deserve… it isn’t!!!

    In my own life, it was a little more complicated because I did get pregnant… and that was the only time we had sex… It is truly sad when you arrange kids just to have sex… I was pretty messed up. When he did leave… well it was more complicated with kids but I wouldn’t change it for the world!

    My suggestion is to stop charting… it is only driving you crazy and making you sad…if he is amenable to sex at other times of the month… maybe all he needs is that push to show him he can be a dad.

    Very possibly, as you get more self esteem and feel better about you… he could find that scary or he could find it sexy… Either way it would be good for you, so maybe try individual counseling. I don’t know if anyone has said anything yet about retrouvillle… you may want to look into that as well.

    Seriously… I was you a few years back… I even started wondering how long before I was considered a born again virgin it was so bad. If you need to talk you can pm me… I am here for you!
 
I don’t know this man. I’ll preface what I say with that.

BlestOne, it might not be wise if she stops charting. If she should get pregnant because she was unaware she was fertile… well, let’s just say there is a certain kind of man (and woman) who only wants what he can’t have and likes to control people around him. And that kind has been known to accuse his wife of “tricking him.” And that can launch a side of his behavior she had never seen before.

And it might not be pretty.
And some men become horrible after the wife gets pregnant and all her attention isn’t on him anymore.

I wouldn’t wish that CatholicGirl find that out the hard way.
 
I see your point, but it is making her unhappy and truth be told… I may have had a horrible marriage to the man who treated me this way, but my children are my life… and for that, I am forever grateful.
 
Thank you all for your posts… I’m the one who started the thread, not sure if there is a way to add to my original thread, since this is only my second post. The last two days I have been reading what everyone wrote and praying. I went to Mass today and offered up the Memorare 9x in a row.
I did want to clarify somethings… I hate for anyone to think bad of my husband, especially since it would be coming from my words. Many have listed options for his thoughts, and some of those have crossed my mind in counseling. Usually at the point the counselor becomes more “aggressive” in their questions/feedback (towards my husband) he stops attending. As I mentioned we have “restarted” counseling numerous times, as well as visited with different priests. What I’m going to write comes from those experiences. As for history with us: We dated 5 years before he proposed, had a 1 year engagement, and have been married 4 years. We were both virgins, and chose to stay that way for my desire to follow scripture and church teaching, while my husband was afraid his devout family would kill him if I became pregnant. We did talk about sex, even went so far as to talk of fantasies and things we would like to do on our honeymoon. During our engagement period we both bought some books and sex education tapes in case we needed help (both of our families were not into explaining the process, what we knew we heard in school/from friends). We were both honest (or at least I think he was) on our insecurities at being inexperienced, being the butt of our friends/peers jokes because we had been virgins so long, and chose to stay that way over a long dating period. On our honeymoon (7 days) we had sex twice, which I was disappointed in, but tried to keep to myself. I assumed it was nervousness or awkwardness at having gone so long together without sex that maybe it would take some time to warm up to it. In our 4 years of marriage we average (NFP Chart) sex 2 to 3 times per month. It has never felt satisfying to me, being awkward and over in under 15 minutes. I have stopped charting at various times because I was afraid that seeing how little we were having sex might affect how I treat my husband. Yet, I began to noticed that it was taking longer for my periods (mistakenly thinking I was pregnant). OBGyn found some hormonal discrepancies, and ince I refused to use the birth control/other methods he suggested, I went back to charting, so I could keep track of my body (since I am trying to find natural ways that agree with church teaching).
In counseling it has been brought up that my husband does not masterbate, never really interested in it. Does not stay hard (when with me), but claims that he can stay hard when he thinks of other things (not sure what the “things” are). The counselor suggested testing for hormonal imbalances, which my husband refused. He instead focuses on “us” as the issue: I’m not sexy enough; I’m too much of a “good girl;” I love God, he doesn’t think he does (he doubts if he believes in God); thinks he doesn’t please me as husband material (job, protector, etc); my expectations are too high; I need to lose weight; he settled; he did not get to date more women; he has issues that he needs to work through; he wishes he had stayed single longer. The list goes on, but those are what comes up the most. Naturally the counselors/our parish priest has addressed all comments with us both and what I could change/communicate in more efficient/clearer ways. I believe I have sincerely tried to do this, and when I know I have failed/lost my temper, I quickly apologize. The most confusing is when I am succeeding (success is based on husband seems to be in a good mood for numerous days, maybe even weeks in a row), it still results in very little if no intimacy. I feel I am living with a roommate. And as I mentioned in my original post, I’ve always desired a family and do feel the pressure of being in my 30’s. As a Christian woman who tries to live scripture to the best of my ability, I know and understand that I should not worry, and give things to God to handle. Yet I see that my spiritual life is being more affected than I realized, not to mention my self-esteem. I have never believed in divorce, unless extreme cases warrant it (abuse, perhaps infidelity)… having never been married, it was easy to say I would never divorce… yet now that I’m here, I feel very torn at times. I believed my husband to be a wonderful man, charming, funny, sexy, adorably cute, intelligent about the things that interest him, willing to please those around him, cares intensely for those close to him, and very loyal to his family. In our many years together, I have only seen a wonderful man that I thought would be a great husband and father… I don’t even recall him losing his temper but twice. I wanted more than anything to be the Proverbs 31 woman for him, someone he would be proud to be with. Yet, in the last 6 to 8 months I have begun to notice a change in him… cussing, derogatory comments about other people, and outbursts of temper that has begun to make me a little nervous (as well as his mother, who thinks he is depressed).
I try very hard to separate what the WORLD says is “ok” and what SCRIPTURE/TRADITION says is “ok”… yet as a human who makes mistakes continually, those lines blend together at times and it becomes unclear the right route to take. And unfortunately, with my anxiety, doubt and perhaps depression over my marriage, it is becoming very difficult for me to find solace and hope in my prayer life. Part of me actually thinks if I was less “religious” my husband might want me more. Thus… why I got on my computer, googled some random phrases and came across this forum. Thank you all for your posts, and for all your PRAYERS… I will continue to read them and pray for direction.
 
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