Help with relationship

[Alzarius]

I am looking for some advice or reading.

Myself and my GF are Catholics and we do love each other very much. We used to be intimate very often. When I say intimate, I do not mean sex, just “fooling around” quite often. We have never had sex. However, upon doing this, she always felt guilty and had to go to confession. She grew tired of doing this and we decided it was too much and asked me if we could stop fooling around so much. However, it seems to be taking a toll on me a bit.

For me, its hard to understand going from a couple that were intimate often, to never at all. we talk about it and she tells me if we were married, it would be different. I am wondering if that is true or not. If she pushes intimacy completely out of our lives, after it being a part of it for so long, it makes me insecure about whether its the act itself that bothers her, or if my insecurities are messing with me.

In this day and age, its hard to imagine a couple being together for quite some time, and living together (lots of circumstances) and not being intimate. Id like to find a way to either gain control over my insecurities of her losing interest in me, which she assures me she is not. Or Id like to convince her that its okay to be intimate as long as we draw lines, which we have never crossed.

Id like to respect her wishes more and just find a way to not desire her in that way until we get married, which can be quite some time away from now. I do not want to pressure her or bug her or try to convince her to give in, but it makes me feel as if she has lost something for me.

Yes, I know… “get over it and behave”

If it were that easy, I would not be posting here. Any advice, or reading, would be greatly appreciated

Edit: After reading this, I wanted to clarify a few things.

First of all, we are in our late 20’s. I am not a 16 year old with raging hormones (we have all been there)

She has not been a sexually active person through her life. I, however, have been. When we messed around, I felt something I have never felt with any of my former partners, a closeness. With her, it wasnt just about pleasuring myself. It felt like a bond, something that married couples are supposed to feel in a married life.

I love her very much and want to respect her wishes but not get slapped with insecurities I have.

 

[Shaken]

This isn’t going to help you much. I don’t think you two are a good match. You would be better off with someone who also has been sexually active (and then reformed?). Your GF would be better off with someone, like herself, who has not been sexually active.

You don’t deserve her. She deserves better than you.

 

[Honus]

Ignore people like the above poster. He/She has no clue if you two are good for each other. He/She is either just trying to get a reaction, or they are one of those holier than thou type of people that don’t believe that people can learn and grow from their past.

 

[Benedictus]

This isn’t going to help you much. I don’t think you two are a good match. You would be better off with someone who also has been sexually active (and then reformed?). Your GF would be better off with someone, like herself, who has not been sexually active.

You don’t deserve her. She deserves better than you.

DIAF.

 

[Alzarius]

Ignore people like the above poster. He/She has no clue if you two are good for each other. He/She is either just trying to get a reaction, or they are one of those holier than thou type of people that don’t believe that people can learn and grow from their past.

Dont worry, Im not going to listen to anyone like that

 

[dakotagirl]

But clearly your gf feels there are lines that have been crossed, or she wouldn’t feel the need for confession. There are ways to commit lust without having done the marital act and even if making out weren’t problematic for you it could be for her, so I say respect her wishes. If there is nothing other than physical intimacy with which to gauge the strength of your relationship, then you are unfortunately up a creek. I think you are probably right and that you are just being insecure, because if she says there is no problem, and if there is no other indication that there is a problem with your relationship, then you probably just have a case of the blues.

 

[flyingfish]

Your girlfriend as a Catholic believes that if she has sex, and does other sexually intimate things with you outside of marriage that she will go to hell for an eternity.

For her to receive absolution in confession she feels she has to stop doing the thing she is confessing, that is the requirement. To repent means to resolve not to do that particular sin.

Please don’t feel that your girlfriend doesn’t like sex with you, or doesn’t like you anymore. From her perspective, it’s between not having sex before marriage or burning in hell forever.

Since you’re in your late twenties and live together, why don’t you get married?

 

[chevalier]

What flyingfish says.

You’re on your path to becoming Catholic. In time, you will learn more of the reasons why we believe in putting all sexual contacts off until marriage. You captured it well in your post - once you’ve started, it’s hard to stop. That’s because those bonds which create then should only be shared with one person and in circumstances of a total gift of one’s person. This may sound like exotic language, but, “two persons fully dedicated to each other,” still doesn’t cover it. Human love needs the protection of the sacrament. As someone said, when God is in the first place, everything is in its own. When two people give themselves to each other for their whole lives in front of God and receive His grace through the sacrament, it changes things.

 

[prodigalson12]

She just spiritually grew ahead a spurt before you, hang on, catch up eventually and move towards getting married. It’s really not a big deal what so ever, expect both of you to do the same thing long into your old age if you get married. For now, ask her help to get you onto the same platform she is at, you are a lucky man to have an advancing spiritually inspired girlfriend, sounds like she can do you good if you follow her lead.

The intimacy will be back more, much more in full force then you can ever imagine once you two tied the knot, so don’t stress over that, stuff like this, when done properly is always so much better.

 

[aicirt]

How long have you been going together? Why haven’t you set a date? If you do marry her, she obviously is going to practice NFP. How will you handle that?

 

[JRKH]

How long have you been going together? Why haven’t you set a date? If you do marry her, she obviously is going to practice NFP. How will you handle that?

This is a good question and will need to be thought of and considered.
Very wise of aicirt to bring it up.

Peace
James

 

[PaulineOsinachi]

You do understand that the sixth commandment is not only against the very act of sex but also such things as excessive smooching and stuff. So for her to be needing to go for confession you may want to re-examine how you show your intimacy. There are very many things couples in relationship can engage in without falling into sin. Spend time together
talking, go out on a date, go see a movie, do some things both of you enjoy together, etc.

 

[JRPO]

You do understand that the sixth commandment is not only against the very act of sex but also such things as excessive smooching and stuff. So for her to be needing to go for confession you may want to re-examine how you show your intimacy. There are very many things couples in relationship can engage in without falling into sin. Spend time together
talking, go out on a date, go see a movie, do some things both of you enjoy together, etc.

Do this.

Then get down on bended knee hand her a beautiful ring give her some beautiful red roses tell her how much you love her and tell her you want to marry her.
And if you don’t feel this way then…
get lost and go find someone else.

For God sake read between the lines boy.
What did she say - " if we were married it would be different"
whats she really saying???

 

[kage_ar]

Why are you not married?

If you have discerned marriage is your vocation, you are in an exclusive relationship with a woman whom you would marry - then, set a date.

Stop having sex (and it does not have to be intercourse to be sex, you know that) - stop putting yourselves in a position where it is tempting. Don’t do anything you would not do with her dad sitting beside you until you are married.

One year of dating - then, either get engaged or end the relationship.

6 months to one year engagement, then marriage.

Long years of dating drive people into sin. As Paul said, it is better to marry than to burn.

 

[whatevergirl]

*Hi Alzarius;

When two people ‘‘mess around’’ before marriage, and then they try to be chaste before marriage…it’s like putting toothpaste that’s already been poured out, back into the tube. Pretty hard to do! lol Your feelings are normal, from a secular view, but your gf’s desire to be chaste now, is a blessing…for you and her. If you intend on marrying her, think of how much more special your wedding night, and thereafter–will be.

That is one thing, the other thing I think is that you equate this type of sexual intimacy, as affirmation that your gf loves you. That is another reason we should remain chaste before marriage, because intimacy was designed for married people. It wasn’t designed to serve as a means of falsely attaching people before marriage. If you sense that you are going to have a tough time feeling secure with your gf now that you are both leading chaste lives, it might be best to let her go. If you love her, and want to marry her, then keep praying that God will lift this burden from you. This struggle. With God, all things are truly possible!

But, work on not linking sex/intimacy with affirmation of how your gf feels about you. Work on developing your relationship, and trusting your gf’s feelings for you, at face value. Keep praying, and I’ll be praying for you, too. *

 

[JRKH]

I guess that, after getting all of this feedback, the issue resolves itself to one issue.

Do you Love this Girl? I mean REALLY Love her?

If you say yes, then you want the very best for her. You want to help assure that she reaches heaven - whether you make it or not… That is real Love, the willingness to lay down your life for another - - To seek the highest good for another - Which is heaven and the beatific vision.

For yourself, after giving your OP some additional thought, I see in you a very worldy view of things. It does not matter what the world considers correct or normal. It does not even matter what YOU think. What matters is what God thinks.
As others have pointed out, there is no real “line” that on one side you are safe and othe other you are sinful. By your description there is no doubt but that there has been, “Lusting in the heart”, even though yuo have not “Had Sex”, as you say. Therefore the sin of Lust has been committed whethere the act was completed or not.

You say that you are concerned that she has “Lost Interest” in you. I would say that if she had really done that, you would not have this problem because the relationship would have ended. If she is still with you it is because she has NOT lost interest in you.

The crux of the problem is stated clearly where you say that, “She has not been a sexually active person through her life. I, however, have been”. The plain fact is that you have not been in a position where you have had to control yourself, or if you had the relationship ended quickly. This is a new experience for you and a difficult one.
In this I can emphathize for I am married to a woman who cannot have sexual relations due to health issues. We too have a closeness that we never felt with anyone else.

The best advise I can offer at this juncture is for you to examine your Love for her as I mentioned above, then Pray the small prayer found in my signature below, “Oh My God I will continue…” Also I suggest that, since you are on your way to becoming catholic, that you talk to your priest, or other “spiritual director” about it. Finally, talk to your Lady, openly honestly and lovingly.
If you are living together - seperate - at the very least sleep in seperate rooms.

If this Love is real, you will find great pleasure and closeness in ways other than sex. You will find just as much joy in holding hands as in passionate kissing. You will find complete contentment in just looking at each other, and hearing the sound of the other’s voice. You will find satisfaction in doing the most mundane chores together, from sweeping and dishes to doing laundry and washing cars. When you look at the other person you will think, I want this person to be my spouse to have, hold and, God willing, have children with.

Meditate of some of these things, and I’m sure you will gain insight into gaining control of your insecurities and reducing your stress levels (and hers).

One last thought. If you love this person, then you will agree that the absolute most important thing for her to feel with you is SAFE, physicall, emotionally and spiritually.
Make sure that she feels safe, no matter HOW tied up you are right now.

Peace
James

 

[Alzarius]

How long have you been going together? Why haven’t you set a date? If you do marry her, she obviously is going to practice NFP. How will you handle that?

We have not been together long enough for marriage, less than a year and a half. I do not have a problem with NFP, or with the though of children for that matter.

We have not set a date because we have both had failed marriages, not bound through God and the Church. When we decide to do it again, we want it to be the sacrament that it is meant to be because both of us now believe in the Catholic Church

 

[kage_ar]

We have not been together long enough for marriage, less than a year and a half. I do not have a problem with NFP, or with the though of children for that matter.

We have not set a date because we have both had failed marriages, not bound through God and the Church. When we decide to do it again, we want it to be the sacrament that it is meant to be because both of us now believe in the Catholic Church

Have both marriages been reviewed by the Tribunal and declared null?

If not, you are neither free to date anyone. Get with your Pastor, begin the Tribunal process. When and if you are declared free to marry - THEN you begin dating.

 

[Alzarius]

Your girlfriend as a Catholic believes that if she has sex, and does other sexually intimate things with you outside of marriage that she will go to hell for an eternity.

For her to receive absolution in confession she feels she has to stop doing the thing she is confessing, that is the requirement. To repent means to resolve not to do that particular sin.

Please don’t feel that your girlfriend doesn’t like sex with you, or doesn’t like you anymore. From her perspective, it’s between not having sex before marriage or burning in hell forever.

Since you’re in your late twenties and live together, why don’t you get married?

I skipped a post. The answer to why is in the previous post of mine.

We have never had sex, just messed around some. And to a future post that i wont be quoting, yes I am aware that even messing around is against one of the commandments.

I want, more than anything at this point in time, to be on the same level she is about this

 

[Alzarius]

Do this.

Then get down on bended knee hand her a beautiful ring give her some beautiful red roses tell her how much you love her and tell her you want to marry her.
And if you don’t feel this way then…
get lost and go find someone else.

For God sake read between the lines boy.
What did she say - " if we were married it would be different"
whats she really saying???

She is not hinting at marriage, this I know for a fact or else I would not be here asking for advice, prayers, and options.

To form a proper analogy, lets say I wanted to run a marathon. Just because I want to do it, does not mean I am in shape to do it. It takes time to get to that point. Just because I do feel a certain way, doesnt mean that I can have everything I want.