Help with this situation - daughters first birthday coming up

[jane_doe]

I need help with a very uncomfortable situation involving my parents and my daughters upcoming first birthday.

So but of history; some years ago my mom cheated on my dad with the man she is now married to. They kicked him out and there was a custody battle over my sister who is now 15. Anyway my dad HATES my mom. Like full on hates. He never says it but it’s clear he does. He vents to me about her, and if she calls me when I’m visiting him he’ll sit and mock her and say things like “ask her how her fake husband is doing”. My mom never talks bad about my dad but it’s cLear that she isn’t comfortable around him. At my baby shower last year she hid away from his sister and sister in law (my aunts) and didn’t even attempt to say hi. Now I have this birthday party coming up and I’m so afraid that they’re going to be hateful or bitter towards each other. My dad is not shy about his feelings and will talk loudly about things that make other people uncomfortable without a filter. What my mom did is wrong, but she’s still my mom and as much as I resent her decision I’m not going to cut her out of my life like my dad has hinted at me doing on occasion. I’m just so sad my baby can’t even have a birthday party without me refereeing my parents.

The conversation goes like this:

“Hi Dad! Junior’s birthday party is coming up. I would be overjoyed to have all of my loved ones there to celebrate with Junior. Which means I’m inviting you and I’m inviting Mom. This invitational is conditional on the fact that you come to celebrate with Junior and do not attack Mom. Yes, I know she hurt you horribly, but this day is about Junior and I know he’d love to have his smiling Grandpa there. Would you like to come and be smiling Grandpa?”

And conversation with Mom is essentially the same.

 

[Xantippe]

The conversation goes like this:

“Hi Dad! Junior’s birthday party is coming up. I would be overjoyed to have all of my loved ones there to celebrate with Junior. Which means I’m inviting you and I’m inviting Mom. This invitational is conditional on the fact that you come to celebrate with Junior and do not attack Mom. Yes, I know she hurt you horribly, but this day is about Junior and I know he’d love to have his smiling Grandpa there. Would you like to come and be smiling Grandpa?”

And conversation with Mom is essentially the same.

Yes.

 

[As_for_my_House]

I had exactly the same situation with my mother and father except it was my father who left for another woman who he married. My mother was devastated and bitter.
Because the breakup of our family caused so much hardship , we stuck by our mother. My father was not invited to our events. Eventually, we thought that we should allow him and his wife to attend.

Well I remember that day well, my poor mother subjected to my father and his wife all happy and smiles as if nothing had ever happened. I have to say the I felt the a preternatural shame come over me ( I believe it was the Holy Spirit guiding my conscience)
We made our visit to my brothers house short that day and I apologized to my mother for asking her to do this and I never asked her again.

First pray. Remember that is was your mother’s choice to break up your family. Help you dad to heal but do not force him once to loose his family by having him choose pain and humiliation in order to have a relationship with you and your family. Yes, it is uncomfortable because it is a mess but that is not your father’s fault. He really cannot help his bitterness. Imagine how you would feel if your spouse did this to you. It’s devastating and the pain and anger may never heal. It did not heal for my mother until my father’s wife died . then we where able to invite my father to family events but he then refused if my mother was there. Now my mother is dead and my father has tried to become a large part of our lives, Well none of us are ready for this so we’ve had to set different boundaries. Sadly, he has taken up living with new woman who he insists he does not need to marry. He and his new girlfriend both consider themselves Catholic. It’s bizarre and the trouble continues because I can’t allow them to stay in my house except in separate rooms. My father think this is just not important. So he continues to pull the family apart even after my mother’s death.

 

[styrgwillidar]

I need help with a very uncomfortable situation involving my parents and my daughters upcoming first birthday.

So but of history; some years ago my mom cheated on my dad with the man she is now married to. They kicked him out and there was a custody battle over my sister who is now 15. Anyway my dad HATES my mom. Like full on hates. He never says it but it’s clear he does. He vents to me about her, and if she calls me when I’m visiting him he’ll sit and mock her and say things like “ask her how her fake husband is doing”. My mom never talks bad about my dad but it’s cLear that she isn’t comfortable around him. At my baby shower last year she hid away from his sister and sister in law (my aunts) and didn’t even attempt to say hi. Now I have this birthday party coming up and I’m so afraid that they’re going to be hateful or bitter towards each other. My dad is not shy about his feelings and will talk loudly about things that make other people uncomfortable without a filter. What my mom did is wrong, but she’s still my mom and as much as I resent her decision I’m not going to cut her out of my life like my dad has hinted at me doing on occasion. I’m just so sad my baby can’t even have a birthday party without me refereeing my parents.

I know it has been a few years, but for his own sake your Dad needs to consider the nature of forgiveness. He is still living in the past and unable to move forward waiting on his wife to admit to her wrongs and make some kind of atonement to him. And that probably won’t happen- putting him effectively in an emotional holding pattern… Somehow he needs to find a way to let go of the past, to not let it control him in the present anymore.

I would sit down with your father and ask if he has talked to a priest and or a therapist (preferably Catholic who’ll understand his position). Did he file a petition for a declaration of nullity? To free not just himself, but his wife for reconciliation with the Church should she desire it. If you truly love someone- do you make that effort even if they won’t? I found the annulment process (since I was willing to accept either answer) to be very helpful and healing. It was a way for me to make a choice to truly and completely let go of the ex. Others find it painful and don’t see it as beneficial emotionally. But I think if he hasn’t considered it he should.

He, never should have developed the habit of venting to you about his wife. That was unfair to you and your siblings no matter what drama/hurting was going on with the custody battle. He needs to understand that a kid can see their parent as flawed, yet still need and benefit from a relationship from that parent. Kids need a relationship with both mom and dad unless they’re truly a danger; if he loves you he needs to support that and not interfere. Does he want you to blame him if things start going south with your mom, based on acting on his recommendations or interference?

 

[felsguy]

I doubt that you can ever solve this yourself nor should you feel the obligation to do so. I agree that unfortunately two small parties would be the best solution. After all, a birthday party for a one year old is not for the child anyhow. Schedule one on the actual birthday and another on the following weekend for those “who just happened not to be able to make the first one.”

 

[heidi_storage]

OP, you need to do what’s best for you, but I don’t think you should have to host multiple parties. Invite your parents, tell them what behavior is acceptable (basically, anything short of a Scene), and enforce boundaries if needed.

Your dad has my sympathy for being forced into a terrible situation because of his wife’s bad behavior. But you are an adult with your own family, and it is up to you to decide what relationship to have with your parents. You cannot resolve your parents’ issues. Do what’s best for your family.

 

[AClaire11]

OP, you need to do what’s best for you, but I don’t think you should have to host multiple parties. Invite your parents, tell them what behavior is acceptable (basically, anything short of a Scene), and enforce boundaries if needed.

Your dad has my sympathy for being forced into a terrible situation because of his wife’s bad behavior. But you are an adult with your own family, and it is up to you to decide what relationship to have with your parents. You cannot resolve your parents’ issues. Do what’s best for your family.

I agree, you don’t want to set the precedent of two parties. Are you going to want to do that every year for every occasion? They need to learn to act like adults, not have OP be under even more stress having to pay for, organize, and host two parties for every event just to cater to someone who selfishly causes scenes.

 

[SyroMalankara]

I need help with a very uncomfortable situation involving my parents and my daughters upcoming first birthday.

So but of history; some years ago my mom cheated on my dad with the man she is now married to. They kicked him out and there was a custody battle over my sister who is now 15. Anyway my dad HATES my mom. Like full on hates. He never says it but it’s clear he does. He vents to me about her, and if she calls me when I’m visiting him he’ll sit and mock her and say things like “ask her how her fake husband is doing”. My mom never talks bad about my dad but it’s cLear that she isn’t comfortable around him. At my baby shower last year she hid away from his sister and sister in law (my aunts) and didn’t even attempt to say hi. Now I have this birthday party coming up and I’m so afraid that they’re going to be hateful or bitter towards each other. My dad is not shy about his feelings and will talk loudly about things that make other people uncomfortable without a filter. What my mom did is wrong, but she’s still my mom and as much as I resent her decision I’m not going to cut her out of my life like my dad has hinted at me doing on occasion. I’m just so sad my baby can’t even have a birthday party without me refereeing my parents.

Two separate parties. Your daughter will love it. No one will be uncomfortable.

 

[Xantippe]

OP, you need to do what’s best for you, but I don’t think you should have to host multiple parties. Invite your parents, tell them what behavior is acceptable (basically, anything short of a Scene), and enforce boundaries if needed.

Your dad has my sympathy for being forced into a terrible situation because of his wife’s bad behavior. But you are an adult with your own family, and it is up to you to decide what relationship to have with your parents. You cannot resolve your parents’ issues. Do what’s best for your family.

I also wouldn’t want to get into the habit of hosting duplicate events, although it may be a reasonable solution this year. After all, down the road, it won’t be possible to host duplicate weddings and graduations…

On the other hand, I have to say that at some point, you may wind up organically having multiple birthday events. For example, in our family it’s common to have a small family celebration at home on the actual day of the birthday, but a larger party for school friends on a convenient Saturday. So, one could invite one grandparent to one event and one to the other…

 

[mommy_k]

I agree with the posters that say 1 party… i would have 1 party and invite who ever you like. If your parents can’t get along that’s thier problem, don’t make it yours.

They can send regrets or come another time if they are not up to the occaision. Don’t make your precious child’s first birthday be about them…they can send regrets if they want to. Other wise your parties forever will revolve around your parents. They are adults.

If someone makes a rude comment, quietly ask them to behave for your child’s sake.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I don’t know really how to fix this but I am struck with this thought from your op and from some posts.
Your mom commits an evil against your dad. She persists in that evil. This hurts your father and makes him sad and angry and perhaps bitter. And yet some seem to think it’s your dad’s behavior that is the problem and should be curtailed.

Your mom’s choices past and present are the reason you have to deal with broken family issues. They are affecting not only you dad, you, but now her granddaughters family life…

Remember that.

 

[Xantippe]

I don’t know really how to fix this but I am struck with this thought from your op and from some posts.
Your mom commits an evil against your dad. She persists in that evil. This hurts your father and makes him sad and angry and perhaps bitter. ** And yet some seem to think it’s your dad’s behavior that is the problem and should be curtailed. **

Your mom’s choices past and present are the reason you have to deal with broken family issues. They are affecting not only you dad, you, but now her granddaughters family life…

Remember that.

The OP hasn’t a prayer of getting her mom to divorce her new husband and reconcile with her dad.

But she does have a pretty good shot at getting her dad to behave under her roof at her child’s party that she is hosting. If not now, next time.

As they say, politics is the art of the possible.

I’ve seen this, and while it is excusable for a wronged spouse to emote uncontrollably for the first year or so, eventually the wronged spouse’s behavior starts being very damaging to the children and extended family. As long as the wronged spouse is thinking I’M SUFFERING MORE THAN ANYBODY ELSE HAS SUFFERED EVER, they aren’t thinking about their children’s or grandchildren’s welfare–just like mom, come to think of it.

Maybe it’s my WASP roots showing, but at some point, it’s time to suck it up and do the right thing for the family. The two grandparents don’t have to be invited to every single family event together, but there will be periodic joint family events involving the two of them as long as they are both living, so now would be a good time to start acting like a grownup.

Miss Manners (Judith Martin) has some stuff on appropriate behavior by wronged spouses in one of her big fat modern etiquette books.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

If the dad is willing to take a punch in the gut every time for the sake of everyone else pretending that the family is in tact and “normal” and healthy, fine.

But the mere suggestion that HE modify his behavior is usually the result of a child (even and adult child) wanting to make believe that every thing is ok. To put on airs for the new baby.

The hard cold truth is that things are not ok. Things are broken. And far harder things than a 1 year old birthday ( which the child will never remember) are on the horizon. I think the best answer is mostly seperate celebrations.

It just seems so cruel to ask the dad to change just because his actions aren’t as bad or there is a better chance he may cave than the mom. In my opinion (and it’s just my opinion) asking this is twisting the knife of adultery and betrayal. I’d personally do my best to coddle my dad and make him feel like he had a major role in my granddaughters life without him linking it to mental pain.

 

[Xantippe]

I**f the dad is willing to take a punch in the gut every time for the sake of everyone else pretending that the family is in tact and “normal” and healthy, fine. **

But the mere suggestion that HE modify his behavior is usually the result of a child (even and adult child) wanting to make believe that every thing is ok. To put on airs for the new baby.

The hard cold truth is that things are not ok. Things are broken. And far harder things than a 1 year old birthday ( which the child will never remember) are on the horizon. I think the best answer is mostly seperate celebrations.

It just seems so cruel to ask the dad to change just because his actions aren’t as bad or there is a better chance he may cave than the mom. In my opinion (and it’s just my opinion) asking this is twisting the knife of adultery and betrayal. I’d personally do my best to coddle my dad and make him feel like he had a major role in my granddaughters life without him linking it to mental pain.

All he has to do is be a dad to the OP, FIL to his SIL, and grandpa to his grandbabies and socialize with Cousin Steve and Auntie Sylvia.

He can be as distantly civil to the OP’s mom as he wants–just don’t make a big nasty scene. (This is easier to pull off at a large event, of course–I see the point in not inviting both of them to intimate family gatherings.)

But there are inevitably going to be major events over the next 30 years (kids’ concerts, kids’ games, grandparent’s day at school, graduations, weddings, funerals, etc.) where they are going to bump into each other.

He doesn’t have to make nice with the OP’s mom, but he does need to not loudly insult the OP’s guests. That’s just basic good guest behavior. Also, he needs to not use the OP to vent about her mom, which it sounds like he’s been doing. That’s just bad behavior on his part.

The OP should probably try to create opportunities for each grandparent to see their grandbaby individually, but it’s also on the OP’s dad to entertain the OP and her family. When he is the host, he can decide who comes.

Again, I’ve seen this movie, and the injured spouse caused her adult children a lot of unnecessary pain.

 

[jane_doe]

If the dad is willing to take a punch in the gut every time for the sake of everyone else pretending that the family is in tact and “normal” and healthy, fine.

But the mere suggestion that HE modify his behavior is usually the result of a child (even and adult child) wanting to make believe that every thing is ok. To put on airs for the new baby.

The hard cold truth is that things are not ok. Things are broken. And far harder things than a 1 year old birthday ( which the child will never remember) are on the horizon. I think the best answer is mostly seperate celebrations.

It just seems so cruel to ask the dad to change just because his actions aren’t as bad or there is a better chance he may cave than the mom. In my opinion (and it’s just my opinion) asking this is twisting the knife of adultery and betrayal. I’d personally do my best to coddle my dad and make him feel like he had a major role in my granddaughters life without him linking it to mental pain.

The OP was asking for dad or mom to pretend they weren’t hurt or a “normal” family. Just like he won’t ask for a cancer patient to pretend they don’t have cancer.

What he’s asking for is for that pain to not be center point of EVERYthing in their lives. Dad’s pain is not the focus of Junior’s party. Same with Mom’s pain. Junior is the focus of Junior’s party, and part of being a loving family is to put other people first sometimes.

 

[As_for_my_House]

I don’t know really how to fix this but I am struck with this thought from your op and from some posts.
Your mom commits an evil against your dad. She persists in that evil. This hurts your father and makes him sad and angry and perhaps bitter. And yet some seem to think it’s your dad’s behavior that is the problem and should be curtailed.

Your mom’s choices past and present are the reason you have to deal with broken family issues. They are affecting not only you dad, you, but now her granddaughters family life…

Remember that.

Yes ! this!

 

[Xantippe]

The OP was asking for dad or mom to pretend they weren’t hurt or a “normal” family. Just like he won’t ask for a cancer patient to pretend they don’t have cancer.

What he’s asking for is for that pain to not be center point of EVERYthing in their lives. Dad’s pain is not the focus of Junior’s party. Same with Mom’s pain. Junior is the focus of Junior’s party, and part of being a loving family is to put other people first sometimes./QUOTE]

Exactly.

 

[mommy_k]

I don’t know really how to fix this but I am struck with this thought from your op and from some posts.
Your mom commits an evil against your dad. She persists in that evil. This hurts your father and makes him sad and angry and perhaps bitter. And yet some seem to think it’s your dad’s behavior that is the problem and should be curtailed.

Your mom’s choices past and present are the reason you have to deal with broken family issues. They are affecting not only you dad, you, but now her granddaughters family life…

Remember that.

Yes I agree too…but there is a time and place for everything. A 2 or 3 hour party for a grandchilds first birthday party is not the place to air grievances.
I would invite everyone and see how it goes…either they come or avoid it’s up to them.

Did they all come to the baptism and behave?

 

[gardenswithkids]

If the dad is willing to take a punch in the gut every time for the sake of everyone else pretending that the family is in tact and “normal” and healthy, fine.

But the mere suggestion that HE modify his behavior is usually the result of a child (even and adult child) wanting to make believe that every thing is ok. To put on airs for the new baby.

The hard cold truth is that things are not ok. Things are broken. And far harder things than a 1 year old birthday ( which the child will never remember) are on the horizon. I think the best answer is mostly seperate celebrations.

It just seems so cruel to ask the dad to change just because his actions aren’t as bad or there is a better chance he may cave than the mom. In my opinion (and it’s just my opinion) asking this is twisting the knife of adultery and betrayal. I’d personally do my best to coddle my dad and make him feel like he had a major role in my granddaughters life without him linking it to mental pain.

 

[gardenswithkids]

I had exactly the same situation with my mother and father except it was my father who left for another woman who he married. My mother was devastated and bitter.
Because the breakup of our family caused so much hardship , we stuck by our mother. My father was not invited to our events. Eventually, we thought that we should allow him and his wife to attend.

Well I remember that day well, my poor mother subjected to my father and his wife all happy and smiles as if nothing had ever happened. I have to say the I felt the a preternatural shame come over me ( I believe it was the Holy Spirit guiding my conscience)
We made our visit to my brothers house short that day and I apologized to my mother for asking her to do this and I never asked her again.

First pray. Remember that is was your mother’s choice to break up your family. Help you dad to heal but do not force him once to loose his family by having him choose pain and humiliation in order to have a relationship with you and your family. Yes, it is uncomfortable because it is a mess but that is not your father’s fault. He really cannot help his bitterness. Imagine how you would feel if your spouse did this to you. It’s devastating and the pain and anger may never heal. It did not heal for my mother until my father’s wife died . then we where able to invite my father to family events but he then refused if my mother was there. Now my mother is dead and my father has tried to become a large part of our lives, Well none of us are ready for this so we’ve had to set different boundaries. Sadly, he has taken up living with new woman who he insists he does not need to marry. He and his new girlfriend both consider themselves Catholic. It’s bizarre and the trouble continues because I can’t allow them to stay in my house except in separate rooms. My father think this is just not important. So he continues to pull the family apart even after my mother’s death.

I respect the way you handled this awkward situation.