Help with this situation - daughters first birthday coming up

[mommy_k]

This thread is giving get me a headache.

I would stop over thinking and invite everyone. If they can’t make it then it’s thier loss. You can’t constantly shield your parents from each other, they are adults.
Your mother made a poor choice, and your father did not yet forgive.

Thier problems will continue to affect how you do things if you allow yourself to be entangled in thier personal problems with each other. Confirmations, weddings and so on…

The best way is to use the etiquette that is called for when having a party, and that includes inviting everyone.

What happens when your little one gets married. Are you going to have 2 weddings too? They need to get over this now for the future as well.

 

[pianistclare]

This thread is giving get me a headache.

I would stop over thinking and invite everyone. If they can’t make it then it’s thier loss. You can’t constantly shield your parents from each other, they are adults.
Your mother made a poor choice, and your father did not yet forgive.

Thier problems will continue to affect how you do things if you allow yourself to be entangled in thier personal problems with each other. Confirmations, weddings and so on…

The best way is to use the etiquette that is called for when having a party, and that includes inviting everyone.

What happens when your little one gets married. Are you going to have 2 weddings too? They need to get over this now for the future as well.

That’s precisely why she should her foot down NOW.
Can’t get along? Don’t come.
Simple.

 

[AClaire11]

I guess that’s one way to look at it. I tend to see it more as the mom’s choice. Of course grandpa is going to be invited. Of course the man who helped break up the marriage and is now sleeping with grandma will not be. So where does that leave the grandmother? I guess she could attend alone…

I do see your point, but it’s generally considered extremely poor etiquette to invite someone to an event and not their spouse. Not sure how it applies to birthday parties, but I know I didn’t want to invite my uncle’s second wife to my wedding, whom I barely knew, and I got quite the lecture on etiquette from my mother.

And if OP wants to maintain a relationship with her mother, banning her new husband from family events will absolutely preclude that.

 

[mommy_k]

That’s precisely why she should her foot down NOW.
Can’t get along? Don’t come.
Simple.

:thumbsup:yes.

 

[AClaire11]

That’s precisely why she should her foot down NOW.
Can’t get along? Don’t come.
Simple.

Yes.

 

[mommy_k]

And if OP wants to maintain a relationship with her mother, banning her new husband from family events will absolutely preclude that.

You can do what my crazy family does and sit them outside or at a different table far away.

At a wedding the “dysfunctionals” in our family get to sit with the band and photographer. --this is true…but they are always invited…

 

[Secant]

I grew up with this. My grandfather raped my mom and my grandmother divorced him (when this came out). My grandfather is civil at family gatherings, my grandmother is NOT. My mom has forgiven him and they are members of two very close families, so there are many events that both must be at (funerals jump to mind). Often what we now do is my grandfather has dinner with us before and sits in a far corner while my grandmother sits with the rest of us and eats dinner after.

My mom cheated on my dad, married the guy after the annulment came through, and told him that he could either relinquish custody of me or be drug through court for some silly things that would have guaranteed her getting custody and him losing most of what few visitation rights he had. She is civil at family gatherings, he is not.

We tried making people promise to behave, but that does not change that the presence of the other is such a horrible reminder of everything that has gone wrong that a misplaced word (“John, I mean Jared, quit taking Megan’s toy.” “Can’t you tell the twins apart, what kind of uncle are you…”) can set off WWIII.

Rather than worrying about who is at fault, who needs to behave like an adult, or who to invite and who to avoid, instead I plead, use separate parties! My mom is invited to the public parties, my dad is invited to go with us to the big city to see the zoo. This fits with what they both prefer to do with my kids anyway, and avoids the big inevitable fights. It makes planning a little nuts, but my mom helps with food and cleaning of the parties she is invited to, and my dad pays for part of the zoo trip. They both understand that the different celebrations are for the benefit of the kids. They also understand, but don’t voice, the fact that I keep them apart to minimize fights for the sake of my kids. It’s occasionally touchy, but it works, and is way less touchy than trying to keep them civil ata a party.

It is horrible being a kid and seeing people you love screaming at each other on every special occasion. You learn to dread special occasions. Tell your parents you don’t care about their fight, you already know the details. Instead, they are to help you with separate parties. Trust me when I say that planning one party and one camping trip or zoo trip or etc is worth it. You will be much less stressed, your kid will be less likely to cry , and the families dirty laundry will not be aired for the neighbors to hear.

 

[pianistclare]

You can do what my crazy family does and sit them outside or at a different table far away.

At a wedding the “dysfunctionals” in our family get to sit with the band and photographer. --this is true…but they are always invited…

Yeah, but the poor guys in the band!

 

[Secant]

What happens when your little one gets married. Are you going to have 2 weddings too? They need to get over this now for the future as well.

What happened for me, was I put mom and grandma on the south side of the room and dad and grandpa on the north side. I walked myself down the aisle (who would walk me became a massive fight so no one did). I also told my bridal party that their first job was to witness my wedding, second to sign the paper that said they witnessed the wedding, third was to run interference between mom, dad, grandma, and grandpa.

Granted, it helped that I was so sick during my wedding that the main topic of discussion was, if the bride passes out at her own wedding, who pays the ER bill?

Honestly, these things do not work themselves out and inviting both with strict rules is just as bad as only inviting one. This is something to protect the kids until they are old enough to protect themselves. It is an unfortunate thing, but there is little you can do to fix anyone else’s behavior.