Helping Someone Escape from an Abusive Relationship

[eternalrest]

Hello, there is a woman online in a sexually abusive relationship. She is a victim of childhood incest by her father, brother, their friends. As a result, she was plagued with psychological difficulties. She did drugs, had four kids, and entered into prostitution. She met someone as a prostitute who became her boyfriend and moved in with him. He lets her use his car. However, he frequently rapes her. She has a job, but without his apartment and his car, she can’t get to it. She wants to leave the relationship.

What is the appropriate way to address this situation? Are there any Catholic charities that deal specifically with this issue? It seems to me that a used car would be a one-time expense, and a transitional shelter might exist where she could stay before finding a female roommate or renting a room. It also seems that public assistance should be available.

Also, what are guidelines on interacting with someone that you meet from online when there is no way to assess their character or the danger to yourself from involvement?

 

[runningdude]

The best you can really do is look up battered woman’s shelters in the area she lives in and refer her to them. You could even call them directly and ask for advice. Speak with the shelter in her area before giving her any specific advice.

To protect yourself, you shouldn’t give your name, phone number, address, or especially bank/credit card information. This is the easiest way to stay safe and fairly uninvolved.

 

[Justice_Mercy]

Here is my take on such situations (especially online):

Beware of becoming an emotional crutch fro someone online who is in an abusive relationship. People that are in such relationships do not usually leave them immediately - or ever. It is a sad thing, but only they can make the decision. Oftentimes, it hinders a person from leaving an abusive relationship if they get an alternate emotional support from someone they have no responsibility to, like someone online. Give them some resources to use… the may not use them, though. Keep some emotional distance, because it is easy to get sucked into online drama. Pray for the people involved and do not feel that you can be their messiah - there is only one person that can help the abused to get out of an abusive relationship in the end: the abused person themselves.

I have seen this type of situation many, many times online and in real life. Thankfully, some people get the courage to get out. Some people never do.

Nothing I have ever said to a person in an abusive relationship has ever motivated them to get out immediately. Chances are what you say will take a long time to settle in. They will have to come to their own conclusion, which is something only they can do.

I know this is not exactly what concerned people want to hear or do, but I firmly believe it is best.

Dear Lord, please deliver that person from abuse in your time and in your way. Protect and guide all those that are abused, that they may no longer suffer at the hands of others, so they may serve you with joy. Amen

 

[TheRealJuliane]

There is no way to tell if this situation is even real. Yes, there are people who would manufacture such a story in order to yank people’s chains, troll, or achieve some other end of their own.

Even if it is real, all you can do is refer her to battered women’s shelters. Abused people are a lot like alcoholics and drug addicts - they will not leave for good unless they hit their “bottom,” not because they are being told it’s time to leave.

If you know for sure something illegal is going on, and you have the particulars such as addresses, report it to the local police.

 

[Justice_Mercy]

There is no way to tell if this situation is even real. Yes, there are people who would manufacture such a story in order to yank people’s chains, troll, or achieve some other end of their own.

Even if it is real, all you can do is refer her to battered women’s shelters. Abused people are a lot like alcoholics and drug addicts - they will not leave for good unless they hit their “bottom,” not because they are being told it’s time to leave.

If you know for sure something illegal is going on, and you have the particulars such as addresses, report it to the local police.

I believe what you say is true… only the victim can decide when they have had enough.

 

[Rainaldo]

Hello, there is a woman online …

Beware of becoming an emotional crutch fro someone online who is in an abusive relationship.

Totally agree with every word of J_M’s answer but I want to add several points.

This woman, in case you can’t see the forest for the trees, has a long history of getting other people to save her from herself. If you get involved you will just become the next person on the list.

Think about your predecessor on that list for a moment, and in a moment it should become obvious just what kind of difference you’re going to make in her life.

Sure, you can direct her to the shelters and the soup kitchens and all that, if it makes you feel better … but I’ve never heard of someone getting hamstrung while turning his life around because he didn’t know he can get a hot meal from the Franciscans at Our Lady of Skid Row downtown.

Think about it: if she really wants to turn her life around, how is it then, that at the very outset, she needs you to do the research for her and supply her with homeless orientation information?

Or are you just imagining she needs your help?

 

[eternalrest]

runningdude:

The best you can really do is look up battered woman’s shelters in the area she lives in and refer her to them. You could even call them directly and ask for advice. Speak with the shelter in her area before giving her any specific advice.

Thanks!

 

[eternalrest]

Here is my take on such situations (especially online):

Beware of becoming an emotional crutch fro someone online who is in an abusive relationship. People that are in such relationships do not usually leave them immediately - or ever. It is a sad thing, but only they can make the decision. Oftentimes, it hinders a person from leaving an abusive relationship if they get an alternate emotional support from someone they have no responsibility to, like someone online. Give them some resources to use… the may not use them, though. Keep some emotional distance, because it is easy to get sucked into online drama. Pray for the people involved and do not feel that you can be their messiah - there is only one person that can help the abused to get out of an abusive relationship in the end: the abused person themselves.

The only person that can help is Jesus, not me, and not the abused person herself either. People who have past childhood incest have multiple psychological problems that impede escape. Typical symptoms include depression (which prevents people from taking actions to help themselves and often causes people to hurt themselves), PTSD (which makes it difficult to concentrate and focus enough to develop a plan or follow through on it), and lack of hope for a better future which impedes motivation. They are so screwed up that it is hard to see what sort of intervention can make things not slightly better but good enough to justify life. Due to psychological difficulties, they find it as hard to help themselves psychologically as blind men find it to grow new eyes or deaf people to make themselves hear.

Mother Agnes Mary Donovan, S.V., Superior General of Sisters of Life, says of Dawn Eden’s book: “My peace I give you: Healing Sexual Wounds with the Help of the Saints” that this is: “An inspired work… powerfully moving and hope-filled… I pray that for ever reader this book will be an instrument of grace and instruction.” Dawn Eden, who suffered from childhood sexual abuse - which does not tend to have as severe effects as incest - said that what helped her recover from PTSD was **therapy and spiritual direction. **

She says: What should I expect from therapy? Expect to develop better coping mechanism to handle stress and anxiety, and to learn how to counter the negative self-talk that can foster depression. A good therapist will also help you improve your interpersonal communication skills (particularly with family members and others close to you) and overcome social fears.

If you have violent or self-destructive thoughts, or if your psychological state prevents you from functioning, the search for a therapist should come first. However, if you are not a danger to yourself or others are handling your daily responsibilities adequately, and just need help dealing with past pain, finding a spiritual director is a greater priority. …
In my own experience, I have found that a good spiritual director also helps me see my everyday challenges, anxieties, and triumphs in light of God’s larger plan for my life. He encourages me by showing how God is using my personal struggles to perfect me.

 

[eternalrest]

I have seen this type of situation many, many times online and in real life. Thankfully, some people get the courage to get out. Some people never do.

Nothing I have ever said to a person in an abusive relationship has ever motivated them to get out immediately.

Do you think that it didn’t help because you weren’t able to address the spiritual difficulties due to lack of training? Dawn Eden writes based on her own experience:

However, it is not a good idea to receive direction from a layperson not under vows, as the level of training given in spiritual-direction courses for the liaty is far lighter than what priests or most vowed religious receive. Given the complexity of the challenges you face as a survivor of sexual abuse, the caretaker of your soul should have graduate-level training in theology and years of experience in pastoral care.

According to the Catholic church, both murder and sexual sins are mortal sins, which makes them more severe than other types of sins. It is pretty hard to raise someone from the dead. Helping someone become what they would have been without being sexually abused is also challenging.

 

[eternalrest]

Chances are what you say will take a long time to settle in. They will have to come to their own conclusion, which is something only they can do.

I know this is not exactly what concerned people want to hear or do, but I firmly believe it is best.

Dear Lord, please deliver that person from abuse in your time and in your way. Protect and guide all those that are abused, that they may no longer suffer at the hands of others, so they may serve you with joy. Amen

Thanks for the prayers.

My thought is that she may not go far without gaining hope, and hope requires spiritual insight into why God allowed this to happen to her and genuine belief in eternal life. Even if she separates from this guy, she might get into more sexual sin without a commitment to Catholicism or she may become destructive herself to others. Having the willingness to get into prostitution is already destructive.

Do you have any idea on how to provide her with the spiritual direction?

 

[eternalrest]

Chances are what you say will take a long time to settle in. They will have to come to their own conclusion, which is something only they can do.

I know this is not exactly what concerned people want to hear or do, but I firmly believe it is best.

Dear Lord, please deliver that person from abuse in your time and in your way. Protect and guide all those that are abused, that they may no longer suffer at the hands of others, so they may serve you with joy. Amen

Thanks for the prayers.

My thought is that she may not go far without gaining hope, and hope requires spiritual insight into why God allowed this to happen to her and genuine belief in eternal life. Even if she separates from this guy, she might get into more sexual sin without a commitment to Catholicism or she may become destructive herself to others. Having the willingness to get into prostitution is already destructive.

Do you have any idea on how to provide her with the spiritual direction? Priests are so busy that it is hard for well educated, functional, faithful Catholics to obtain this, let alone people such as this.

 

[Justice_Mercy]

Do you think that it didn’t help because you weren’t able to address the spiritual difficulties due to lack of training?

I did have impact on a few people’s lives, but that was through friendship and prayer … but it took years for some to make the jump out of their abusive relationships. I knew their situation thoroughly, not merely anecdotally over the Internet, so I was able to assess the true nature of the situation.There are many psychological factors involved with why people get into and stay in abusive relationships… even if they want out. Even people of faith have problems getting out. You cannot make someone spiritual or even more spiritual by counseling them alone - but you can pray that the Holy Spirit will move in their life to bring them to the truth of the situation. Pray that someone who is near her will serve as a vehicle of the Lord and his Church.

Remember, it is not you or me that ultimately help someone out of abusive relationships; it is the person that makes that decision themselves.

 

[eternalrest]

I did have impact on a few people’s lives, but that was through friendship and prayer … but it took years for some to make the jump out of their abusive relationships. I knew their situation thoroughly, not merely anecdotally over the Internet, so I was able to assess the true nature of the situation.There are many psychological factors involved with why people get into and stay in abusive relationships… even if they want out. Even people of faith have problems getting out. You cannot make someone spiritual or even more spiritual by counseling them alone - but you can pray that the Holy Spirit will move in their life to bring them to the truth of the situation. Pray that someone who is near her will serve as a vehicle of the Lord and his Church.

Remember, it is not you or me that ultimately help someone out of abusive relationships; it is the person that makes that decision themselves.

To protect yourself, you shouldn’t give your name, phone number, address, or especially bank/credit card information. This is the easiest way to stay safe and fairly uninvolved.

What seems wise is to be a Good Samaritan. The Good Samaritan saw someone who was battered, left for dead, and they gave money to a local innkeeper to care for this person instead of doing it themselves. Is there any problem with me paying a faithful Catholic therapist who uses telephone and video counseling and has graduate level training in spiritual direction to work with this women? It seems a personal touch is appropriate, but one can’t do a personal touch and not give name, phone number, address. Its good that you have had a positive impact on helping people, and it seems that the “personal touch” of real-life relationships has been important.

After looking up the shelter information and passing it onto this person, is there any problem with letting this person know that they can temporarily receive emotional and spiritual support if they speak with this person and giving them this person’s number? My tithe for the month can go to paying for the Catholic spiritual director/therapist to speak with the person since for the present time (thanks be to God for improving my financial situation compared to the last year) this is affordable for me. However, this would protect safety, ensure quality of service, leave me uninvolved, and give an emotional touch by someone who is not afraid of all of those issues that affect me (i.e. phone number/name). If it were me in that situation, would want someone to do this.

Also, are there any Project Rachel type ministries around for this type of situation?

 

[eternalrest]

This woman, in case you can’t see the forest for the trees, has a long history of getting other people to save her from herself. If you get involved you will just become the next person on the list.

Think about your predecessor on that list for a moment, and in a moment it should become obvious just what kind of difference you’re going to make in her life.

don’t understand “the list”?

 

[Rainaldo]

don’t understand “the list”?

Based on eternalrest’s story, this woman has gone from person to person doing drugs, engaging in prostitution, having four children and settling down with an abuser. That kind of lifestyle cannot be lived alone; it requires the cooperation of many others to whom she has handed herself over.

Furthermore, it’s a story of someone who thoughtlessly and repeatedly puts herself and her children in harm’s way and then turns around and complains that the situation is out of her control and she needs help to get out of it.

There must have been many, many people in her life up to this point in time who have tried to “help” her turn her life around. Obviously each and every one of them has failed to save her, because she is presently in the state she is in.

Eternalrest wants to help this woman somehow, but when I look at the bigger picture, I think that eternalrest is going to be just like all the others who wanted to help her, and if the last person to help her obviously did no good, then eternalrest’s help is not going to make any difference either.

As a matter of fact, when I thought about what kind of help eternalrest was planning to offer her - giving her information about soup kitchens and the like - I realized that this sort of information is either common knowledge or it can very easily be discovered on one’s own. Then I realized that eternalrest was playing into the helplessness game that this woman has been playing all along.

Remember, we’re not taking about a family whose house has been destroyed by a tornado. We are talking about a tornado who is destroying her own house.

 

[eternalrest]

Eternalrest wants to help this woman somehow, but when I look at the bigger picture.
…
Remember, we’re not taking about a family whose house has been destroyed by a tornado. We are talking about a tornado who is destroying her own house.

Statistically speaking,

66% of all prostitutes are victims of child sexual abuse; 2/3 of these are sexually abused by fathers, stepfathers, or foster fathers.

Women who are sexually abused as children are four times more likely than non-
abused women to work as prostitutes. Men who are sexually abused are eight times
more likely to work as prostitutes.

If she had not been sexually abused as a child by her father, brother, their friends (which is a **mortal **sin in God’s eyes, a sin deserving of death, even if it sex is not a big deal in our culture), then the statement that she is a tornado destroying her own house would make sense.

But given that she was repeatedly traumatized, she seems to be exhibiting pretty typical behavior for someone who suffers this type of trauma. Why is it fair to judge her by the same standards as we judge people who were not victims of childhood incest? Are you really looking at the “bigger picture” when you are ignoring the effects of childhood incest?

 

[Rainaldo]

Statistically speaking,

If she had not been sexually abused as a child by her father, brother, their friends (which is a **mortal **sin in God’s eyes, a sin deserving of death, even if it sex is not a big deal in our culture), then the statement that she is a tornado destroying her own house would make sense.

But given that she was repeatedly traumatized, she seems to be exhibiting pretty typical behavior for someone who suffers this type of trauma. Why is it fair to judge her by the same standards as we judge people who were not victims of childhood incest? Are you really looking at the “bigger picture” when you are ignoring the effects of childhood incest?

At some point you have to stop making excuses for grown adults who happened to have bad childhoods.

 

[eternalrest]

At some point you have to stop making excuses for grown adults who happened to have bad childhoods.

How did you define this point? Where was the dividing line between when a bad childhood has an effect on behavior and when it does not?

 

[St_Francis]

Statistically speaking,

If she had not been sexually abused as a child by her father, brother, their friends (which is a **mortal **sin in God’s eyes, a sin deserving of death, even if it sex is not a big deal in our culture), then the statement that she is a tornado destroying her own house would make sense.

But given that she was repeatedly traumatized, she seems to be exhibiting pretty typical behavior for someone who suffers this type of trauma. Why is it fair to judge her by the same standards as we judge people who were not victims of childhood incest? Are you really looking at the “bigger picture” when you are ignoring the effects of childhood incest?

It is not so much that people are judging her by one set of standards or another, but that they are considering the situation and how that situation generally works out.

IOW, you are not likely to be able to “save” her–she has a pattern of behavior and she is the only one who can get sick of that pattern and change it.

At the same time, you don’t even know if all this is true. It is not unknown for people to make up stories for their own physchological reasons to get sympathy from others, or worse, for mercenary reasons to get money out of people.

You can pray for her, and if you feel that God is calling you to help people in this type of situation, you can volunteer somewhere or get the necessary training to help people who want to change, but this particular situation is one that perhaps you should get yourself out of.

 

[Rainaldo]

How did you define this point? Where was the dividing line between when a bad childhood has an effect on behavior and when it does not?

How about not define the point at all? Then we just pretend none of it is really their fault, and we put up with it and play along, cleaning up after them.

And all such a person needs to do is keep going down the line of naive good samaritans - well, technically, they are not good samaritans, there’s a key difference - until she finds someone who falls for it, someone who has allowed pity to silence common sense, and she gets one more free pass to live a self-destructive live off the “charity” of another patsy.

Eternalrest, if you were in her situation, why you would seek help from an anonymous person hundreds of miles away off the internet?

You were ready to buy her a car, for crying out loud.