Helping Someone Escape from an Abusive Relationship

[eternalrest]

How about not define the point at all? Then we just pretend none of it is really their fault, and we put up with it and play along, cleaning up after them.

And all such a person needs to do is keep going down the line of naive good samaritans - well, technically, they are not good samaritans, there’s a key difference - until she finds someone who falls for it, someone who has allowed pity to silence common sense, and she gets one more free pass to live a self-destructive live off the “charity” of another patsy.

The difference would be the therapist and spiritual direction from a faithful Catholic therapist. Do you think that anyone else who has tried to help her (if there has been anyone) has focused on the spiritual direction/therapy side of the issue? Justice_Mercy said he has had success with helping people offline, and the thought is that by putting her in contact with an offline therapist/spiritual director she could get help that she needs. It just seems strange that someone would WANT to live a self-destructive life; it seems that people who live self-destructive lives but ask for help to stop living this sort of life must be doing this because of severe psychological/spiritual problems.

sexual abuse, especially incest – is rarely reported and, when reported, is difficult to prove. Only 2% of childhood incest cases and 6% of extrafamilial sexual abuse cases were reported to police. Conviction resulted in 0.5% of the incest cases and 1.3% of the extrafamilial cases.

So it definitely does not seem that very many people go out of their way to help people who have suffered from incest.  Only about 1% of the cases even receive a conviction.

Eternalrest, if you were in her situation, why you would seek help from an anonymous person hundreds of miles away off the internet?

You were ready to buy her a car, for crying out loud.

Isn’t this thread asking for help in this forum from anonymous people hundreds of miles away? Its hard to find good help. You are right that buying a car is too much and over the line when someone can use a bus. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime

well, technically, they are not good samaritans, there’s a key difference

What’s the key difference?

 

[eternalrest]

It is not so much that people are judging her by one set of standards or another, but that they are considering the situation and how that situation generally works out.

IOW, you are not likely to be able to “save” her–she has a pattern of behavior and she is the only one who can get sick of that pattern and change it.

But didn’t she change it a little bit by getting out of prostitution and working a regular job?

At the same time, you don’t even know if all this is true. It is not unknown for people to make up stories for their own physchological reasons to get sympathy from others, or worse, for mercenary reasons to get money out of people.

That’s true. But if it isn’t true, is the potential loss by referring someone to a shelter for long-term care for women in abusive relationships and paying for spiritual direction/therapy by a faithful Catholic greater than the potential gain if it is true?

You can pray for her, and if you feel that God is calling you to help people in this type of situation, you can volunteer somewhere or get the necessary training to help people who want to change, but this particular situation is one that perhaps you should get yourself out of.

There is nowhere to volunteer is there. Is there a single resource for Catholic spiritual direction and therapy for low income sexually abused women?

 

[eternalrest]

well, technically, they are not good samaritans, there’s a key difference

What’s the key difference?

 

[Kathryn_Ann]

Hello, there is a woman online in a sexually abusive relationship. She is a victim of childhood incest by her father, brother, their friends. As a result, she was plagued with psychological difficulties. She did drugs, had four kids, and entered into prostitution. She met someone as a prostitute who became her boyfriend and moved in with him. He lets her use his car. However, he frequently rapes her. She has a job, but without his apartment and his car, she can’t get to it. She wants to leave the relationship.

What is the appropriate way to address this situation? Are there any Catholic charities that deal specifically with this issue? It seems to me that a used car would be a one-time expense, and a transitional shelter might exist where she could stay before finding a female roommate or renting a room. It also seems that public assistance should be available.

Also, what are guidelines on interacting with someone that you meet from online when there is no way to assess their character or the danger to yourself from involvement?

She has, as one option, that of calling the national domestic violence hotline:
1-800-799-SAFE (7233) If she is on a computer at home and discovers she is being watched by her abuser, there is a 'quick escape button" that comes on. How sad for her, and for her poor children if they are witnessing all this.
thehotline.org/

Pray for her, And yes, be very cautious. One never knows who one is meeting online. Don’t try to solve her problems for her. Steer her somewhere safe and professional rather than getting too involved personally. You can only supply basic information to someone you only know online. Some Catholic Dioceses support transitional shelters, and those Diocesan numbers can be found online too, should you want to look those up for her. But since she is in immediate danger of continuing abuse, it may best for her to talk to someone at the national hotline asap. They can connect her with safety and shelter programs. I hope this helps.

 

[St_Francis]

But didn’t she change it a little bit by getting out of prostitution and working a regular job?

That’s true. But if it isn’t true, is the potential loss by referring someone to a shelter for long-term care for women in abusive relationships and paying for spiritual direction/therapy by a faithful Catholic greater than the potential gain if it is true?

There is nowhere to volunteer is there. Is there a single resource for Catholic spiritual direction and therapy for low income sexually abused women?

Why are you so interested in saving this woman? (You don’t have to answer that online, it is a question you should consider to yourself.)

 

[eternalrest]

She has, as one option, that of calling the national domestic violence hotline:
1-800-799-SAFE (7233) If she is on a computer at home and discovers she is being watched by her abuser, there is a 'quick escape button" that comes on. How sad for her, and for her poor children if they are witnessing all this.
thehotline.org/

Pray for her, And yes, be very cautious. One never knows who one is meeting online. Don’t try to solve her problems for her. Steer her somewhere safe and professional rather than getting too involved personally. You can only supply basic information to someone you only know online. Some Catholic Dioceses support transitional shelters, and those Diocesan numbers can be found online too, should you want to look those up for her. But since she is in immediate danger of continuing abuse, it may best for her to talk to someone at the national hotline asap. They can connect her with safety and shelter programs. I hope this helps.

Thanks for the information!

 

[Kathryn_Ann]

Thanks for the information!

You are very welcome! I’m praying for her and her dear children.
Kathryn Ann:heaven:

 

[Rainaldo]

So you think what this anonymous mother of three in an abusive relationship with a former john on the internet really needs is to sit and talk about spiritual things with a Catholic priest? Ok, send her bus tickets and make the appointment for her at the rectory. Where do you think she will be in five more years?

Did you know that seducing people into codependency is also a psychological/spiritual problem?

The key difference is that the robbery victim in the good samaritan story didn’t beat himself up and then solicit help from passers-by.

 

[tgrath]

Hello, there is a woman online in a sexually abusive relationship. She is a victim of childhood incest by her father, brother, their friends. As a result, she was plagued with psychological difficulties. She did drugs, had four kids, and entered into prostitution. She met someone as a prostitute who became her boyfriend and moved in with him. He lets her use his car. However, he frequently rapes her. She has a job, but without his apartment and his car, she can’t get to it. She wants to leave the relationship.

What is the appropriate way to address this situation? Are there any Catholic charities that deal specifically with this issue? It seems to me that a used car would be a one-time expense, and a transitional shelter might exist where she could stay before finding a female roommate or renting a room. It also seems that public assistance should be available.

Also, what are guidelines on interacting with someone that you meet from online when there is no way to assess their character or the danger to yourself from involvement?

It is often the case that people in emotionally or sexually abusive relationships do not have the perspective required to free themselves.

If it is possible, and it often is not possible, I would suggest that your friend see a competent professional, either a priest or a lay psychotherapist, to sort this out.

If that is not possible, then you can be a supportive friend, offering advice when it is sought. If the person decides to leave the relationship, then you can be of support as a friend.

If you have good reason to know that violence is occurring, then you should get in touch with your local police, and explain the situation. They can take it from there, or steer you to the right community resources to intervene.

 

[runningdude]

What seems wise is to be a Good Samaritan. The Good Samaritan saw someone who was battered, left for dead, and they gave money to a local innkeeper to care for this person instead of doing it themselves. Is there any problem with me paying a faithful Catholic therapist who uses telephone and video counseling and has graduate level training in spiritual direction to work with this women? It seems a personal touch is appropriate, but one can’t do a personal touch and not give name, phone number, address. Its good that you have had a positive impact on helping people, and it seems that the “personal touch” of real-life relationships has been important.

After looking up the shelter information and passing it onto this person, is there any problem with letting this person know that they can temporarily receive emotional and spiritual support if they speak with this person and giving them this person’s number? My tithe for the month can go to paying for the Catholic spiritual director/therapist to speak with the person since for the present time (thanks be to God for improving my financial situation compared to the last year) this is affordable for me. However, this would protect safety, ensure quality of service, leave me uninvolved, and give an emotional touch by someone who is not afraid of all of those issues that affect me (i.e. phone number/name). If it were me in that situation, would want someone to do this.

Also, are there any Project Rachel type ministries around for this type of situation?

If you go this route, you have to be careful to not expect any results. Maybe find a charity that offers free telephone counseling to refer the woman to, and make a donation of say $60 to the charity to cover a hour appointment. There is no guarantee that the person you wish to help will call, but at least the charity will be able to use the funds to help someone else.