C
cthulhubryan
Guest
Jengl,
I have no advice to give you, but I will pray for you and your family.
Bryan
I have no advice to give you, but I will pray for you and your family.
Bryan
- Status
J
Jengl
Guest
Bryan: Thank you very much.
Everyone: I appreciate all the advice. I pray he will open his eyes and see that things can be worked out. In the mean time, we’re waiting until after Thanksgiving to tell the kids. Man, how do you tell the kids this? I mean I know what to say.(with gentleness and reassurance.) But how do you explain a fundamental part of your family is voluntarily leaving? I would never put it that way to the kids. But kids aren’t stupid. They’ll know exactly what it means as daddy walks out the door. He’s going to be there too when we break it to them. As he should be. ANyway thanks for all your support.
R
roxcris
Guest
Jengl,
I feel for you… Particularly because I have this suspicion that my husband is planning to leave us too after the Holidays… I agree with what other people said (and that’s what I’m trying to do too…), pray, be a good Catholic mom, exercise, eat right and get help if you need it. Some things are really out of our control. Good luck and God bless you.
I feel for you… Particularly because I have this suspicion that my husband is planning to leave us too after the Holidays… I agree with what other people said (and that’s what I’m trying to do too…), pray, be a good Catholic mom, exercise, eat right and get help if you need it. Some things are really out of our control. Good luck and God bless you.
S
Shin
Guest
Prayers for you both…
St. Joseph, model and patron of those who love the Sacred Heart of Jesus, head of the Holy Family, foster father of Christ Himself… pray for these families…
Remember the trials of the Holy Family as you fled into the wilderness… and bring the Lord’s great love and consolation close to these families… so that all trials may be weathered and overcome in the way that best pleases God. Amen.
K
Kit15
Guest
And me to the “turn-off” list as well.
Before I got married the only people who would do that to me either had ulterior motives or wanted to make fun of me. It wasn’t even like I was that hot… People who woo-woo’d me or pinched my butt only did so because they thought they were being funny.
The last person to woo-woo at me did so from an unmarked white van.From *my *perspective it’s a very insincere thing to do and the suspicion meter raises couple of notches. DH only does it when he’s looking for a snappy comeback for his own amusement. He’ll *never *do it when sex is on his mind…because he knows full well all he’s going to get is a snappy comeback.
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noclevername
Guest
I know there are other things going on but it might sway him to stay and to go to counseling if you point out to him that marriage counseling is a heck of a lot cheaper than him moving out and the two of you having to support two hourseholds.
J
Jengl
Guest
I really wish he would. I’ve brought it up so many times and the answer is always the same. He’s got a mixed up notion that councelling will end in divorce.
J
Jengl
Guest
Here is an update.
I don’t know if this is good or bad lol.
What’s good is I;ve made him think hard about his decision to move out and that the consequences are real. I told him that nothing has really happened that we can’t work through. But we both have to want it.
He said a couple things that helped shed light on the situation. First he said he’s unhappy because all of the arguing. Then he said that he just turned 35 and doesn’t want to live the rest of his life this way. He still has time to start fresh. This has mid life crisis all over it.
I agree about the arguing - but it takes two.
Then he said he’d “stick around” for a while but if it doesn’t change then he’s out.
So it’s good he’s not moving out—yet. As long as he’s willig to put in the effort too maybe it can work. I’ll try and stay positive.
I don’t know if this is good or bad lol.
What’s good is I;ve made him think hard about his decision to move out and that the consequences are real. I told him that nothing has really happened that we can’t work through. But we both have to want it.
He said a couple things that helped shed light on the situation. First he said he’s unhappy because all of the arguing. Then he said that he just turned 35 and doesn’t want to live the rest of his life this way. He still has time to start fresh. This has mid life crisis all over it.
I agree about the arguing - but it takes two.
Then he said he’d “stick around” for a while but if it doesn’t change then he’s out.
So it’s good he’s not moving out—yet. As long as he’s willig to put in the effort too maybe it can work. I’ll try and stay positive.
F
funnyyetsavvy
Guest
I’m sorry for this, GB. I lived in a 5 year marriage that had only 1.5 months of actual intimacy…while the reasons weren’t the same as yours, it was the same frustration…
F
funnyyetsavvy
Guest
Will he try the church counseling? I hope for the best for you…Here is an update.
I don’t know if this is good or bad lol.
What’s good is I;ve made him think hard about his decision to move out and that the consequences are real. I told him that nothing has really happened that we can’t work through. But we both have to want it.
He said a couple things that helped shed light on the situation. First he said he’s unhappy because all of the arguing. Then he said that he just turned 35 and doesn’t want to live the rest of his life this way. He still has time to start fresh. This has mid life crisis all over it.
I agree about the arguing - but it takes two.
Then he said he’d “stick around” for a while but if it doesn’t change then he’s out.
So it’s good he’s not moving out—yet. As long as he’s willig to put in the effort too maybe it can work. I’ll try and stay positive.
C
crazzeto
Guest
Here’s hoping for the best for you! I’m glad you’ve made progress!Here is an update.
I don’t know if this is good or bad lol.
What’s good is I;ve made him think hard about his decision to move out and that the consequences are real. I told him that nothing has really happened that we can’t work through. But we both have to want it.
He said a couple things that helped shed light on the situation. First he said he’s unhappy because all of the arguing. Then he said that he just turned 35 and doesn’t want to live the rest of his life this way. He still has time to start fresh. This has mid life crisis all over it.
I agree about the arguing - but it takes two.
Then he said he’d “stick around” for a while but if it doesn’t change then he’s out.
So it’s good he’s not moving out—yet. As long as he’s willig to put in the effort too maybe it can work. I’ll try and stay positive.
J
joandarc2008
Guest
If not counseling would he be up for a support group or marriage group at the Church.
J
jwashu
Guest
I went back over your old threads to try to figure out where this started with you guys.
Time and time again you say it’s because you got more into your faith… but rarely will that cause these issues. I’ve seen few people get mad because their spouse prays more, especially if they are Christian, so I have to believe it’s something other than that…
So this is a pretty pointed question… you don’t have to answer but at least think about. Did all of this start when you started pushing NFP after not using it for most of your marriage?
I’m asking because you said in another thread you thought he would say “maybe if we had sex more I wouldn’t need the porn”… well so is that true? After years of loving each other equally and having a healthy sexual relationship have you now put parameters on him?
I’m believe a healthy and active sex life is crucial for a happy marriage. Some aren’t going to like what I’m about to say but I have seen too many post over the past few years where it seemed that happy marriages were ruined because one person decided to “get right with God” after many years.
Don’t get me wrong, I think that is great and Praise God for people strengthing their faith and following the rules of our Church. However when all of a sudden one person, ESPECIALLY in a mixed marriage, has this big rededication… the other person can definitely see it as a control issue… and for some (not saying you Jen) it IS a control issue because now that person is in control and can use God and the Church as an excuse on controlling their spouse. I don’t believe that is what the God wants in regards to NFP. Maybe this is what people aren’t going to like but I don’t believe the Church teaches NFP to break up marriages. I believe they teach it for couples who understand the Theology of the Body and understand or desire to understand JPIIs teachings on the subject. I believe it, like many other parts of our faith is something that has to be worked on as a couple and as a person over time. It’s unfair to just turn 180 degrees overnight.
Is that the case here? I don’t know… but you said you guys use to be happy, what changed? The fact that you can’t be spontaneous in his mind could be a HUGE issue… the wife he loved and loved to make loved too has now told him her Church says they have been “sinning” all these years… when you have never been taught that your whole life what would that make you think of the Church? Could it bring up all the random anti-Catholic tidbits you have heard as a Baptist? you bet it could.
And please note, if he refuses to follow NFP and wants to have relations with his wife at other times and you are willing and he doesn’t complete the act… that’s not your sin. Actually it’s not his either because he isn’t Catholic.
In one of your first threads I suggested some conversion information… that might be helpful eventually if you guys can work through this stuff. It sounds to me like his “leaving” is a threat to gain some control.
So my suggestion, talk with a Priest on your own, but you guys also need some secular marriage counseling as well IMHO.
Remember marriage is truly 100% / 100%… it’s not good when one person dosen’t do their fair share (sounds like you are doing 150% of the parenting and taking care of the household), but it’s also not good when one person takes too much control either IMHO in other areas… that may or may not be the case. Just something to consider.
You guys and your children are in my prayers!
Sincerely,
Joe
Time and time again you say it’s because you got more into your faith… but rarely will that cause these issues. I’ve seen few people get mad because their spouse prays more, especially if they are Christian, so I have to believe it’s something other than that…
So this is a pretty pointed question… you don’t have to answer but at least think about. Did all of this start when you started pushing NFP after not using it for most of your marriage?
I’m asking because you said in another thread you thought he would say “maybe if we had sex more I wouldn’t need the porn”… well so is that true? After years of loving each other equally and having a healthy sexual relationship have you now put parameters on him?
I’m believe a healthy and active sex life is crucial for a happy marriage. Some aren’t going to like what I’m about to say but I have seen too many post over the past few years where it seemed that happy marriages were ruined because one person decided to “get right with God” after many years.
Don’t get me wrong, I think that is great and Praise God for people strengthing their faith and following the rules of our Church. However when all of a sudden one person, ESPECIALLY in a mixed marriage, has this big rededication… the other person can definitely see it as a control issue… and for some (not saying you Jen) it IS a control issue because now that person is in control and can use God and the Church as an excuse on controlling their spouse. I don’t believe that is what the God wants in regards to NFP. Maybe this is what people aren’t going to like but I don’t believe the Church teaches NFP to break up marriages. I believe they teach it for couples who understand the Theology of the Body and understand or desire to understand JPIIs teachings on the subject. I believe it, like many other parts of our faith is something that has to be worked on as a couple and as a person over time. It’s unfair to just turn 180 degrees overnight.
Is that the case here? I don’t know… but you said you guys use to be happy, what changed? The fact that you can’t be spontaneous in his mind could be a HUGE issue… the wife he loved and loved to make loved too has now told him her Church says they have been “sinning” all these years… when you have never been taught that your whole life what would that make you think of the Church? Could it bring up all the random anti-Catholic tidbits you have heard as a Baptist? you bet it could.
And please note, if he refuses to follow NFP and wants to have relations with his wife at other times and you are willing and he doesn’t complete the act… that’s not your sin. Actually it’s not his either because he isn’t Catholic.
In one of your first threads I suggested some conversion information… that might be helpful eventually if you guys can work through this stuff. It sounds to me like his “leaving” is a threat to gain some control.
So my suggestion, talk with a Priest on your own, but you guys also need some secular marriage counseling as well IMHO.
Remember marriage is truly 100% / 100%… it’s not good when one person dosen’t do their fair share (sounds like you are doing 150% of the parenting and taking care of the household), but it’s also not good when one person takes too much control either IMHO in other areas… that may or may not be the case. Just something to consider.
You guys and your children are in my prayers!
Sincerely,
Joe
W
whatevergirl
Guest
*I hope things work out for you, I am never for divorce if two people can help it…
That said, I just don’t know how you held it together when he said …’‘I’m 35, I could start over fresh.’’ As if he’s already mapped out ‘‘another’’ future for himself, without you and the kids in it.
That’s very upsetting to me. I will hold you in my prayers, but just go through counseling, etc with your eyes and ears open. Make sure that he is truly committed to making this work with you, and that it’s not just you putting forth the effort. Marriage is a team sport. You can’t do your husband’s part…he has to mentally and emotionally be invested in this, to make it work.
May God’s best be with you during this trial in your life. :hug1:*
That said, I just don’t know how you held it together when he said …’‘I’m 35, I could start over fresh.’’ As if he’s already mapped out ‘‘another’’ future for himself, without you and the kids in it.
That’s very upsetting to me. I will hold you in my prayers, but just go through counseling, etc with your eyes and ears open. Make sure that he is truly committed to making this work with you, and that it’s not just you putting forth the effort. Marriage is a team sport. You can’t do your husband’s part…he has to mentally and emotionally be invested in this, to make it work.May God’s best be with you during this trial in your life. :hug1:*
J
jwashu
Guest
Jen,
I guess I missed your last post before mine. I think that is a good sign but I also believe, especially with the “I could start over fresh” things it’s a control issue / power play.
Somehow I believe your husband has come to feel emasculated, from your posts I don’t believe this was even intentional and may be from something outside of your marriage. However my guess is that he needs to feel some control over his life again.
The porn is definitely a sign of that. There are a lot of guys who surf porn and masturbate out of boredom, it has nothing to do with their wife or their attraction to them. There are others who see it as a control issue and eventually some who are just purely addicted. I would bet your husband falls into the control category… he can’t have sex when he wants but he can darn sure watch porn instead! This would help to explain why he got so angry about the K-9 program (great program BTW, I highly recommend it!).
I believe there are points in many marriages where people get into a funk about “is this all there is?!?” We know the real answer to that is no… there is also God. God helps to bring Sacramental marraiges together which is where I know you long to be. However at this point I would suggest baby steps. Figure out what each of you could do to make the others life better and agree to do that. Just 1 thing and make a commitment to each other to do it. What is the big most important thing that would make your life and his life better. Do that for a while and see how things go, the identify another issue, figure out how to compromise on it and work on that one… once you have 2 down I believe things will be much different.
Continue to pray though, vigilantly. I don’t believe your husband really wants out, I believe he is confused and frustrated with life, no money, children (and at least one special needs child it sounds like) and the lack of extra time he use to have with his wife. Children take of a lot of the time you guys use to have together (WE KNOW, heh we have 4) and my guess is some of the renewal of Faith has taken up even more… like a child, we are all childish at times right?, he probably feels angry because his wife has been taken away from him in some ways. Again, we both know God can help with all that but your husband dosen’t sound ready to accept that grace yet.
Thus my suggestions about working on the issues and praying that God open his heart to received that. I know your are already doing that, just keep it up and be strong, relying on Him who gives us strength.
Again, your family is in my prayers!
Joe
I guess I missed your last post before mine. I think that is a good sign but I also believe, especially with the “I could start over fresh” things it’s a control issue / power play.
Somehow I believe your husband has come to feel emasculated, from your posts I don’t believe this was even intentional and may be from something outside of your marriage. However my guess is that he needs to feel some control over his life again.
The porn is definitely a sign of that. There are a lot of guys who surf porn and masturbate out of boredom, it has nothing to do with their wife or their attraction to them. There are others who see it as a control issue and eventually some who are just purely addicted. I would bet your husband falls into the control category… he can’t have sex when he wants but he can darn sure watch porn instead! This would help to explain why he got so angry about the K-9 program (great program BTW, I highly recommend it!).
I believe there are points in many marriages where people get into a funk about “is this all there is?!?” We know the real answer to that is no… there is also God. God helps to bring Sacramental marraiges together which is where I know you long to be. However at this point I would suggest baby steps. Figure out what each of you could do to make the others life better and agree to do that. Just 1 thing and make a commitment to each other to do it. What is the big most important thing that would make your life and his life better. Do that for a while and see how things go, the identify another issue, figure out how to compromise on it and work on that one… once you have 2 down I believe things will be much different.
Continue to pray though, vigilantly. I don’t believe your husband really wants out, I believe he is confused and frustrated with life, no money, children (and at least one special needs child it sounds like) and the lack of extra time he use to have with his wife. Children take of a lot of the time you guys use to have together (WE KNOW, heh we have 4) and my guess is some of the renewal of Faith has taken up even more… like a child, we are all childish at times right?, he probably feels angry because his wife has been taken away from him in some ways. Again, we both know God can help with all that but your husband dosen’t sound ready to accept that grace yet.
Thus my suggestions about working on the issues and praying that God open his heart to received that. I know your are already doing that, just keep it up and be strong, relying on Him who gives us strength.
Again, your family is in my prayers!
Joe
W
whatevergirl
Guest
That is a very interesting perspective relating to why some men might view porn! To feel in control of something that seems out of control in their lives…that’s something I would never have considered with this situation. Great insight.
T
TOP
Guest
Control and even vengance.
R
R2D2
Guest
/*
Lord, hear our prayers.
(I am sorry for your husband. If there’s something I can help with, please let me know.)
*/
Lord, hear our prayers.
(I am sorry for your husband. If there’s something I can help with, please let me know.)
*/
T
TOP
Guest
I always liked what Jimmy Hoffa said in the movie Hoffa. He said, you can slap a man and say your sorry, things will be alright, but a slight, esp. an imaginary slight, well that ****** will hate you til the end of time.*Revenge over what?
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