Him or my Family

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destroyingangel

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The “him” I refer to is not God, so I’m just putting that in the open to avoid any confusion.
I’m not sure if this is the right category for me to present my problem, this “family” section. I don’t know, this is my first time here at Catholic answers, and I’ve been looking for guidance for the last two years and haven’t been able to find it. I once had a counselor who seemed to be helping me a lot, but she was too expensive for my parents, and for me to pay for, so I don’t see her anymore. I’ve called some priests but they always seemed to be in such a hurry.
So finally I came here and I figure even if not everyone reads this or replies to it, I know at least some one will. Even if its only one person. Some one will listen eventually.
This is a serious problem for me; I could really use some guidance. I’ve been in the dark for the last two years and I don’t see how staying in the dark is ever going to get me anywhere. For what its worth, maybe no one will read this, or care, but some words of guidance would be greatly appreciated.

So I’ll begin with a little background; I’m 18 years old, and I’m Roman Catholic, I go to a Latin Mass. I was homeschooled my whole life. When I got to be about 14 I went to high school for a few months until my parents pulled me out. At age 17 I returned to high school for about 3 months, dropped out and got my G.E.D. Now I’m attending community college and working part time.

Okay now that that’s out of the way,
Two years ago(September 2006) when I was 16(17 in two months), I met a guy named, lets call him Bob, he was 17. I met him, he met me, we fell in love. We were completely Platonic friends for about 3 months, and then we started going out.
I was crazy about him, I brought him over to the house at least once a week and we’d hang out at my house, and I saw him as much as I could aside from that, which was at that time about twice a week if I was lucky. Our relationship had to be kept a secret from my family because I wasn’t allowed to have a boyfriend. But I guess to a certain extent, although my parents were angry, they trusted us for our word.
After 4 months of dating, me and Bob broke up because I couldn’t handle sneaking around anymore, and I told him I wasn’t sure if I loved him anymore. My parents also found out that I had lied to them and had spent the night at Bob’s house(this sleepover was a week prior to our break-up. We didn’t have sex) and so that was the end of the trust, they found out that we had been lying all along. They forbid me to speak to him anymore. To this day they despise him. The break up was devastating; 2 of the worst months of my life. I went to live with my grandma for a month in texas. I tried to forget about Bob.
However, we never lost touch. In fact we continued to talk every day. We never stopped talking, it was always too hard for us. So when I got back from Texas, I saw him as soon as I could.
I’m trying to figure out how to make this story shorter. so my whole 17th year my parents did everything they could to keep me from speaking to Bob and seeing him. But I continued to sneak around with him.
I lost my virginity with him when I was 18. I resolved to be a better person, to go home and obey my parents and erase Bob from my life, he agreed that this was best for me. My parents kicked me out for some stupid reason anyway, and I was forced to leave my house. I lived with Bob for about a week, then my parents asked me to come home and found out that I was living with Bob. They found out that I lost my virginity with him. My dad forgave me but my mother completely freaked out and called me every name in the book.
Anyway, time after time i would try to start over, but i always end up going back to Bob. It’s like I can’t live without him, he makes me happy. But my family hates him. Since I was 18 this year, they stopped making the effort to stop me from seeing him, but they don’t talk about him and don’t want me talking about him and they sometimes assume I don’t talk to him anymore. Like I said, I try not to bring him up. But I still talk to him. He actually left for the Navy in June, and I haven’t seen him since. Every day is hard for me, he’s my best friend and I miss having him around. I feel really alone without him. I also don’t want to have sex with another man, I don’t want to start over again because I already know that me and Bob get along fine and we have a special closeness because I gave him my virginity.
And so it sort of brings me to my present dilemma, I’m 18 almost 19, and I’m still living under my parents rule. I’m afraid of taking any risks because I don’t want to hurt them anymore, I love them to death and I don’t want to cause them grief.
And although I want to make them happy, I know I really want to be with Bob. I want to go visit him. I would love to marry him. Even though everyone says its wrong and he’s wrong for me. He’s not perfect but I don’t care, I like him how he is and I know he loves me. I want to be with him. That’s for sure. But I don’t want to hurt my parents. I want to be free, but I afraid that I’ll regret leaving my parents.

If anyone here bothers with my post, you don’t have to give me an answer to my problem, you can just tell me I"m an idiot or tell me I"m wrong, or tell me I’m right. Just tell me something.
I"d appreciate your time.

-D.A.
 
Maybe your family doesn’t hate Bob–maybe they just hate the way the two of you have had an inappropriate relationship behind their backs.

Does Bob want to see you? Does he want to have a serious, grown up relationship with you? If he doesn’t, then you need to move on and focus on school. If he does, I would still focus on getting your education and saving up for when you move out on your own. Whether or not this relationship works out, you need to be an adult and work and school is a good distraction while Bob is overseas.

Then I would work on explaining to your parents that you know the relationship was not what a Catholic relationship should be, but that both of you have gone to confession and want to start over–this time properly.

If they still refuse to listen, you will have to move out in order to have an out in the open relationship.

If they listen, you are on your way to earning back their trust.

Prayers,

kevinsgirl
 
Yes Bob has wanted to marry me since the first few months we were dating. He wants to get married, and one of the reasons he joined the navy was so that he would be able to take care of me if we got married. he wanted to do something with his life, and also show my parents that he’s capable of taking care of me.
 
Parents can be right sometimes. When I was not much older than you I had a GF that I was sure I would marry. My mom and sister confronted me and told me they did not like her - she was not right for me. The relationship did not work out though I wasted another six months trying to make it work.

Spend as much time in prayer as you can. Pray to accept God’s will. If we are not listening, God will use those close to us. A parent’s love is much stronger than a BF’s. Spend time with the Eucharist. Ask Mary and St. Joseph to be inspirations. They were young too.
Now playing: Shane Newville - Anana, Pt. 1
via FoxyTunes
 
Is Bob Catholic? Could he ever be the kind of Catholic that your parents clearly want for you?

I’m betting the answer to both questions is no.

Are you willing to burn the bridge between you and your parents forever in order to be with Bob? And I mean forever! What happens if you and Bob marry and it doesn’t work out? Where will you be then? No Bob, no family. What if there are children?

But here is the big question. Does being with Bob make you a better person? Looking at your post it seems that he has caused you to break 3 of the 10 commandments. You have a) disobeyed your parents, b) lied to your parents, c) betrayed your parents trust, and d) committed at least one mortal sin.

Bob sounds more like an addiction than a boy friend. What’s worse, is that you sound miserable. ** I** don’t like Bob and all I know about him is what you have told me.

My advice is to ditch Bob, but that will not entirely solve your problem. Once Bob is gone, you need to sit down and clearly think a few things out. Who are you? Not who do your parents want you to be. Not who are you with Bob. But as a unique individual, your own person, who are you? Who do you want to be? Pray about it. Discern it.

Once you know, you need to talk to your parents. It may be that you do not want to be a traditional Catholic. It may be that you do not choose to live life as they have defined it. IF that is true, you need to tell them, “Mom, Dad, this is who I am. I love you and want to be close to you but this is the life I have chosen and it is not a model in miniature of yours.” You may, on the other hand, decide that the life they want for you is exactly the life you want for yourself, and that is OKAY.

You are a young adult and it is time you started making well thought out choices. Bob was a bad choice made by a child. You are not a child anymore. But with choices comes consequences and responsibility too.

What degree are you working towards? Have you thought about a four year college? Have you thought about religious life? Have you thought about marriage in terms of how your life would look in that context? There is a whole world and a whole life ahead of you, rush into nothing and pray about everything.

Marsha
 
I also don’t want to have sex with another man, I don’t want to start over again because I already know that me and Bob get along fine and we have a special closeness because I gave him my virginity.
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This is one of the dangers of premarital sex - it creates a “bond” where there isn’t really one. Please do not feel that because you have slept with Bob you now must marry him! Think and pray hard about whether he is really a fit partner for marriage.
 
It is very possible that you are not in love with Bob, but are infatuated with Bob.

You are a very inexperienced girl who has been sheltered all of your life. This makes you ripe for “romance.”

Dr. James Dobson has written some wonderful stuff about love vs. infatuation. Here is a link to a letter to him about this issue with his answer:

uexpress.com/focusonthefamily/index.html?uc_full_date=20070715

The problem with infatuation is that it goes away when confronted with real life and real marriage. Ouch.

If you DO love Bob, encourage him to do well in the Navy, learn various skills and get trained for a career, as well as serve his country in a combat situation should the need arise. A person will come out of the Navy better prepared to be married and in a career. **You must be his main support for this excellent choice that he has made, and you must never, EVER do or say ANYTHING to undermine his Navy career or make him consider leaving the Navy too soon. **

**While Bob is in the Navy, YOU should be preparing yourself to be the best wife to him that you can. ** You should be learning all the skills of making a home, and in addition, you should be training in some kind of trade so that you can contribute financially to the household should the need arise (e.g., Bob becomes disabled). This may or may not mean college. Perhaps you can go to business college, which is not nearly so expensive and long-term. Or trade school–there are many careers that women can be trained in at trade school. Or perhaps you can become involved with direct sales (Tupperware, etc.) if you enjoy that sort of thing.

Even if you plan to stay home with children and keep house, you should still be WISE and plan for the worst. Read Proverbs 31–the wise wife in this chapter was capable of supporting herself. EVEN if you think that your mom and dad will support you in the event of a disaster. DON’T count on it!! Mom and Dad grow old and sometimes die before we expect them to. Don’t place this burden on them. Be prepared to support yourself should the unthinkable happen.

You should be developing your mind and learning as much as possible about many subjects so that you will be an interesting wife that Bob will be proud to introduce to his friends.

You should spend as little time as possible watching television, going to movies, or reading romance novels or doing anything that will give you a false impression of romance and marriage. Immersing yourself in the arts is fine, but make sure that the arts are “fine” arts–good movies, plays, books, visual arts, etc. that will open up your mind and give you a broader perspective on life.

You should be involved with many friends who are women, and work on making these friendships permanent ones. You should NOT be spending a lot of time ALONE thinking about Bob and missing him. Get busy–get involved with others. Volunteer for various ministries in your parish, especially those that involve CHILDREN. This is excellent training for you when you someday have your own children. Join the choir, get involved in your community in a volunteer capacity (food pantry? visiting the elderly? etc.)

AND–you should be breaking away from your parents. Not a sudden tearing away, but a gradual weaning of yourself away from being their little girl. As long as you are still “under their roof,” you are not able to fully grow up. You MUST obey them, as they are your authority and support. Perhaps in a year or two, you could find some Catholic girlfriends and move into an apartment together. Just make sure they are decent girls that will help you to become a good Christian woman.

I get the feeling from reading your note that you are extremely immature. You sound like a twelve year-old with a crush on a movie star. That’s understandable, considering how much you have been sheltered. It’s time to grow up now. Childhood is over. You are considering becoming the wife of a MAN. He’s not a little boy, and you’re not a little girl. You are hoping to MARRY and have a family. This is grown up stuff. You must be grown up to get involved with it, and that means doing the kind of things that I have described in this post.

One more thing that might help you–find a godly, mature WOMAN in your parish other than your mother, and ask this woman to be your mentor. She should be a woman who has taken a different path than your mother; i.e., someone who did NOT shelter her children. She may or may not have a job outside the home, but she should be involved with her parish and her community–someone that can help you to deal with the “real world” without corrupting you.
 
Marsha_Adams said:
Is Bob Catholic? Could he ever be the kind of Catholic that your parents clearly want for you?

I’m betting the answer to both questions is no.

Are you willing to burn the bridge between you and your parents forever in order to be with Bob? And I mean forever! What happens if you and Bob marry and it doesn’t work out? Where will you be then? No Bob, no family. What if there are children?

But here is the big question. Does being with Bob make you a better person? Looking at your post it seems that he has caused you to break 3 of the 10 commandments. You have a) disobeyed your parents, b) lied to your parents, c) betrayed your parents trust, and d) committed at least one mortal sin.

Bob sounds more like an addiction than a boy friend. What’s worse, is that you sound miserable. ** I** don’t like Bob and all I know about him is what you have told me.

My advice is to ditch Bob, but that will not entirely solve your problem. Once Bob is gone, you need to sit down and clearly think a few things out. Who are you? Not who do your parents want you to be. Not who are you with Bob. But as a unique individual, your own person, who are you? Who do you want to be? Pray about it. Discern it.

Marsha
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Bob actually is a Catholic, he became a practicing Catholic after he met me and he used to go to church with me and my family. He still goes to Church on Sundays, now, where he’s stationed.

And Bob would make a great dad, I’m not worried about the children thing. I mean yeah obviously its very serious and we already know we’d wait a few years of marriage before we had any children. We believe in the same things, when the time came I think we’d be good parents. He would be anyway.

And I guess you’re right, he and I have done alot of **** we shouldn’t have done, but we’ve grown up alot together and we’re both working on our individual selves to become better people.
 
I also don’t think I’ve been as sheltered as you guys think.
 
destroyingangel said:
I lost my virginity with him when I was 18. I resolved to be a better person, to go home and obey my parents and erase Bob from my life, he agreed that this was best for me. My parents kicked me out for some stupid reason anyway, and I was forced to leave my house.
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you lied to your parents for an extended period of time, you went out of your way to prove they cannot trust you, and from their perspective it probably appeared you hooked up with a boyfriend for the express purpose of disobeying them, you deliberately had sex with him, and they kicked you out for a stupid reason? what am I missing? Now he is out of your life, having used you and thrown you away, and you miss him, and have no use for the parents who love you and are trying to protect you? realize you don’t have room for the whole story here, but there is a huge chunk missing.

go to confession, get back to the sacraments, respect your parents, go to college and get a life. now do you believe us old folks when we tell you sex outside marriage messes up your life?
 
I never said he used me or moved on anything like that. We still talk every day and he hasn’t been with another girl since we started going out. He sends me money whenever I need it and he’s trying to come home as soon as possible. I"m sorry but you’re adding things to the story that aren’t true.
The reason they kicked me out was because i yelled at my brother. At that time they didn’t know that I had sex with him. I also begged them not to make me leave, I guess they didn’t understand that I was honestly making an attempt to be better and had slipped.
I’ve gone to confession already and so has Bob.
 
Work on growing in Faith, learning about the Sacrament of Marriage (Fulton Sheen’s “Three To Get Married” is a good book), and work to gain back your parents’ trust.

They love you and want to see you in Heaven.

Pray for Bob, pray with Bob, and have him read the same book 🙂
 
Thankyou guys 🙂 thats really really helpful and I’ll definately try to stop thinking so much and get myself busy with simple, healthy things. And of course I’ll continue to pray for Bob. I’ll look into getting that book too, or at least having him read it.
 
angel,
having Bob read the suggested books, instead of you reading them for yourself, seems indicative of the problem here. you and Bob do not share a brain.

think for yourself. learn about God, life, yourself, the world around you NOT defined by Bob, but experienced by you.

i don’t think you were sheltered as a homeschooler. but i think you forfeited your individuality for an obsessive relationship. please don’t fool yourself that you and Bob are the only two people that have ever felt this way. don’t think you’ve discovered a higher plane of love, heretofore unattainable by us lowly dull souls.

you haven’t. many of us have “loved” so passionately as to lead another soul and ourselves into mortal sin. many of us have “loved” so atmospherically, so ethereally, so sublimely as to forget to love God above all things. many of us learned that kind of love, ***wasn’t. ***

please consider this as you further examine your choices: your virginity was yours, but it was to be safeguarded by your parents. not for the sake of some outdated social construct, but for the sake of your soul. you mom and dad knew that all sex, ***except ***for marital love, can harm the soul, break the heart, distract the mind and weaken the will. your parents didn’t want that to happen to you.

you thought they were close-minded-- that they didn’t understand. but they understood far too well. so they spoke in haste and anger, giving you more ammunition to justify your dismissal of their concerns, more ammunition to justify your defiance of their rules.

why should your parents approve of Bob? he participated with their daughter-- the daughter they lovingly and with dedication worked to teach to love God above all things-- he participated with their beloved daughter in grave sin.

you have both asked for God’s forgiveness. but have you asked for your parents’ forgiveness? has Bob???

i think you and Bob need to demonstrate maturity. real, tough-it-out maturity. abstain from communication for 6 months or more. during that time, pray. contemplate God’s mercy. attain goals. help others. pray some more. in fact, you should only begin counting the 6 months when you’ve stopped weeping into your pillow, when you’ve gotten hold of yourself, and moved forward with some personal improvement plans.

yeah, it will feel bad. but marriage will present you with suffering that will feel a lot worse than this. if your relationship with Bob can’t withstand this hardship, you need to get real clear about that.
 
He sends me money whenever I need it
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Dont accept anymore money from him. Period. If you need money ask your parents for help.

Secondly the title of this thread says a lot. Him or my family. The answer is GOD. If you do an examination of conscience using the Ten Commandments the first one is as follows. I am the Lord your God you shall not have strange gods before me. You should ask yourself the following. Do I love God above all else? Do I put anything or anyone ahead of Him: money, power, sex, a particular person?
 
I think Bob sounds like a good guy. He is off getting a job/education so he can be with you and win the respect of your parents. What more could you ask for.

All in all you sound like a nice girl, and he sounds like a nice guy.

What you need to remember is that yes, parents should be respected, but you are an adult now, and you need to excercise your right to chose who you want to be with (even if it may be a mistake).
 
monicatholic said:
you have both asked for God’s forgiveness. but have you asked for your parents’ forgiveness? has Bob???
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Bob has wanted to call or write to my parents for a long time, even before he joined the Navy, to ask for my parents forgiveness and get their blessing for us to see each other, but I keep advising him not to. It wouldn’t make things better.
 
I am not sure I understand. You love Bob, and Bob loves you and wants to marry you. You are of age, although a little immature. Why don’t you marry him? I married a man my parents totally did not approve of and they were very upset about it. He was also a military man, 12 years older than I was. We married and I made it clear that my husband was someone to be respected, even though I was very young like you are.
We have had a happy marriage for 23 years. Why don’t you just marry this dude?
 
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