His father doesn't approve and I'm lost.

[TheRealJuliane]

I agree with the above posters.

When I was young I was part of a homeschool group. Back in the early 90’s there were very few homeschoolers…and having 3 brothers my family tended to make friends with families that had boys. When I was 10 one family had a 6yo girl. She and I became friends. However, when I was 11 my brothers made friends with a family with 3 boys and 1 girl also. However, the girl was about 5.5. We never really became friends even though we both had the same interests. When I was about 15 my family met another with six older brothers and a yonger girl, 10. We were friends. Her twin brother who was very much like me…we still were just acquaintances and not good friends. So I really don’t see how this played out becuase I experianced much the same in my own life.

**If this was a 24yo male and a 19yo female everyone would be screaming. He’s barley out of highschool and you’re old enough to be done with grad school.
**
Also, and if this young man was truly interested he’d found a way to tell you and not blocked all metholds of communication. You’ve got to let go. He HAS given up on the relationship…weither it’s becuase his parents or because he dosn’t want to fight for it, it’s over.

I’m sorry you have a broken heart over this, but it’s over.

Let’s take it all the way back to when he was 12 and she was 17.

If a 17 year old male was having any kind of relationship with a 12 year old girl…

Yes, exactly.

 

[WokeUp]

I couldn’t imagine what I would think if I read a sexual explicit email that had been sent to my son. I know that I would be looking back through old emails and messages to how long this had been going on. I also know that I wouldn’t think very highly of the person that sent them. :tsktsk:

There was nothing sexual in the letter. I have so much respect for him, that is not what our relationship was based on. We considered it a perk, yes, but it was so much more than that.

There were no sexually explicit texts, either, but from some of the texts he would have read, his dad could have gathered that we planned on being together in that manner, which, even if he wasn’t subjected to details would probably still upset him just knowing that it was in the works.

 

[Catholic90]

If sexually explicit emails were involved, I personally don’t see this as a Catholic thing, but as a parent thing. While certainly true that it is completely incompatible with serious Christian living, it is also just out of bounds from a parental and decorum standpoint.

Yes, I’d flip my lid if my 19 yo live-at-home son was receiving such emails, texts, etc, from a girl, especially one that much older than him. Inappropriate and lacking in character-- YUCK. I wouldn’t want my son dating such a girl.

I would also wonder for how many years my son had been receiving such correspondence from her like this. Was he receiving explicit texts and letters and emails when he was 17? 15? 14? 12?

If the OP was having a physical relationship with him when he was young, this was also abuse and illegal. Statutory rape. Think of the various teachers who have been convicted of this in the past. Ick.

 

[Inego_de_Loyola]

I would also wonder for how many years my son had been receiving such correspondence from her like this. Was he receiving explicit texts and letters and emails when he was 17? 15? 14? 12?

If the OP was having a physical relationship with him when he was young, this was also abuse and illegal. Statutory rape. Think of the various teachers who have been convicted of this in the past. Ick.

She did specifically state that the relationship was entirely platonic at that point.

 

[GraceDK]

He is young…19! That is very young to be in a committed relationship with someone so much older, especially since you’ve been around him since he was 12.

It is possible he wanted to end the relationship, but did not want to hurt you…

When my kids were younger, I gave them the tools of making something MY fault if they wanted to get out of a situation. For example, if they were invited somewhere they did not want to go, they could always say, “My mom won’t let me go out this weekend.” For prom one year (not cheap!), one of my sons was invited by someone he really did not like at all, but he did not want to hurt her feelings, so he told her that he had to decline her invitation because he was not sure if he would be able to go until the last minute due to a family situation with his mom, and he did not want to leave her hanging.

.

So basically you taught your kids to lie…

 

[GraceDK]

I couldn’t imagine what I would think if I read a sexual explicit email that had been sent to my son. I know that I would be looking back through old emails and messages to how long this had been going on. I also know that I wouldn’t think very highly of the person that sent them. :tsktsk:

And I wouldn’t be thinking highly of a mother who sits and reads the private mail of an adult son…

I think the OP is treated quite unfairly by many of you who assume things although she has told us only things which do not warrant all these accusations and perverse hints.
The two people are grown up…
and something tells me that if it was a 19 year old girl dating or getting married with a guy who was 5-10 years older none of you would be so much on his case…

The OP is not Catholic… maybe we could try to be charitable to her and give her a reason to become Catholic instead of saying nasty things to her… mixed with the message that she should convert…

 

[Inego_de_Loyola]

And I wouldn’t be thinking highly of a mother who sits and reads the private mail of an adult son…

I think the OP is treated quite unfairly by many of you who assume things although she has told us only things which do not warrant all these accusations and perverse hints.

This

 

[glamourdollxoxo]

The age difference is probably a big factor in why his father is so off put by you let alone the fact that you met when he was only 12 years-old which is still a child so his father is probably wondering what was going on when he was still that young.It’s more of a parenting thing than a Catholic thing is what it sounds like.

 

[WokeUp]

I would like to thank everybody for their time and responses. You make wise points.

I would also like to address some of the issues you have brought up and ask that you please refrain from sensationalising things and assuming things that speak very ill of my character.

I don’t think I was a bad person for allowing a friendship with a 12-year-old boy when I was 17. I was very clear that it was just a friendship. I never sought to contact him, and when he contacted me we simply discussed things like bands and TV shows we both like and little things about what was going on in our lives. I frequently gave him advice when he sought it; life is really scary at that age and I remember feeling as though I had nobody to turn to. There was nothing even remotely sexual there and I find it hurtful that it’s being suggested.

There was nothing sexually explicit in the letter. I respect him and our relationship was based on so much more than that. There were no sexually explicit text messages his father could have read, either. From some of the text messages, he would have been able to gather that we did plan on being together in that way, but there was nothing dirty. Actually, there was one from me expressing dissatisfaction with his use of a crude term.

 

[WokeUp]

I would like to thank everybody for their time and responses. You make wise points.

I would also like to address some of the issues you have brought up and ask that you please refrain from sensationalising things and assuming things that speak very ill of my character. Thank you very much to those who have defended me.

I don’t think I was a bad person for allowing a friendship with a 12-year-old boy when I was 17. I was very clear that it was just a friendship. I never sought to contact him, and when he contacted me we simply discussed things like bands and TV shows we both like and little things about what was going on in our lives. I frequently gave him advice when he sought it; life is really scary at that age and I remember feeling as though I had nobody to turn to. There was nothing even remotely sexual there for me and I find it hurtful that it’s being suggested.

There was nothing sexually explicit in the letter, either. I respect him and our relationship was based on so much more than that. There were no sexually explicit text messages his father could have read, either. From some of the text messages, he would have been able to gather that we did plan on being together in that way, but there was nothing dirty. Actually, there was one from me expressing dissatisfaction with his use of a crude term.

You guys are right that 24 and 19 are two very different ages and I feel irresponsible for allowing myself to become so wrapped up in things that I forgot about that. I always assumed that I would live my life single, always, because I could never have feelings for any guy, even when I tried to, and once I got a taste of what it was like to have that kind of happiness, I allowed myself to become enamored and forget my head completely. Even though he is old for his age and I am young for mine, we are still at different points in maturity.

I need to focus on bettering my life and am excited about this personal journey. I don’t want to give up on him and I won’t; my heart will always be open to him, but I need to leave him be for now. It isn’t healthy for me to keep crying every day and driving myself crazy with worry and fear.

I’m going to say what needs to be said and apologize for some things in a message, send it, and go live my life. If we’re truly meant, we will be someday.

 

[HouseArrest]

And I wouldn’t be thinking highly of a mother who sits and reads the private mail of an adult son…

I think the OP is treated quite unfairly by many of you who assume things although she has told us only things which do not warrant all these accusations and perverse hints.
The two people are grown up…
and something tells me that if it was a 19 year old girl dating or getting married with a guy who was 5-10 years older none of you would be so much on his case…

The OP is not Catholic… maybe we could try to be charitable to her and give her a reason to become Catholic instead of saying nasty things to her… mixed with the message that she should convert…

It is a little confusing. The OP wrote that from what she said in a written message meant for the son only, his father would have thought she was a whore. I believe that is when a few eyebrows were raised.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Have you ever met him in person, OP? Or has this whole friendship happened on line and through texting/phoning etc.

 

[Cristiano]

I am the father of a young man. I would have gone through the same actions. I see a lot of red flags around. The normal emotional and intellectual maturity of a 17 y/o girl is completely different from the emotional/intellectual maturity of a 12 y/o boy. Teenagers are also unable to have long distance interpersonal relationships, it is very hard for adults too. The fact that such a strong relationship developed over the years and nobody was really aware of it implies keeping secrets and that is not a sign of maturity either. It is not a sign of maturity to use a fried as a gateway for communications. I am harsh but here I see a 19 y/o boy that still needs to grow into a man and a very immature 24 y/o woman, that is a bad recipe for a relationship.

 

[maryjk]

And I wouldn’t be thinking highly of a mother who sits and reads the private mail of an adult son…

He wasn’t an adult when he was 12, which is when this relationship started. And he continued to be a child until he turned 18.

I think the OP is treated quite unfairly by many of you who assume things although she has told us only things which do not warrant all these accusations and perverse hints.
The two people are grown up…
and something tells me that if it was a 19 year old girl dating or getting married with a guy who was 5-10 years older none of you would be so much on his case…

The OP is the one that sent an email that could have caused the father to believe her a whore. We simply commented on it. Yes, they are grown up now, but he wasn’t when he was 12.
yes, I would be just as upset if a 17 year old boy was befriending a 12 year old girl.

The OP is not Catholic… maybe we could try to be charitable to her and give her a reason to become Catholic instead of saying nasty things to her… mixed with the message that she should convert…

Her converting has nothing to do with the fact that a friendship between a 17 year old and a 12 year old is wrong. I am quite sure the father doesn’t have as much of a problem with the fact that the OP isn’t Catholic as that she is writing sexually explicit emails.

I asked him before cutting off contact why his father hated me and our love so much and he said he didn’t know. Perhaps it’s the age difference, but I’m not sure if he knows about that. Maybe that I haven’t been baptised Catholic yet? I don’t know how he would know that, though. Anything he knows about me, he would have had to have gathered it from the letter and from my text messages after he took his phone. I’m willing to bet that it’s the distance more than anything. He probably thinks that since we haven’t been in regular physical contact, we don’t know one another. Plus, seeing as how he read words that were definitely meant for his son’s eyes only, he probably thinks I’m a whore.

This is the comment people are concerned with. What could she have possibly written that would cause the father to think she is a whore??? Other than something sexually explicit???

He did stand up to his father for me. Without getting too personal, things actually escalated to a level that I didn’t approve of or agree with. He left home for a few days and I talked him into going back and making things right with his family because I am very family oriented and I don’t want a wedge to be driven between he and his family on my account. I thought that acting rationally and letting his father know that we value his approval and don’t intend for our feelings for one another to effect any of his family relationships at all would make him more likely to eventually be accepting but that was when he told him he had to cut me off.

For a while I entertained the idea of going anyway and visiting him on campus, but he wouldn’t hear of it. Said he couldn’t let me. It would hurt him too much, he said, and that it would be a waste. I tried to argue otherwise and I cussed him, for which I feel such guilt. I let him have that one, though.

I definitely want to start the conversion process immediately. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for myself for a decade now and I feel as though being more spiritually active would improve my life. It’s something I want to do for me first and foremost, and for him too, but that wouldn’t come into play for years. We’re both young, especially him. He is who I would like to be my spouse someday, but we both have plenty of business to take care of first.

 

[WokeUp]

I have been to his city once, but my life right now is here and his is there.

The fact that he hasn’t been physically here is part of the reason I feel so strongly and fell so hard. Since there was no opportunity to misread any signals, I knew that he really wanted me for me- not because he wanted to use me sexually, as many other guys have wanted. I’ve always hated it when men decided they wanted me merely because they thought I was pretty when they knew absolutely nothing in this world about me. It makes me feel sick.

Some could argue that we don’t really know one another, but when you’ve talked for hours and hours and hours for the better part of a decade, you have no choice but to get to know a person for who they are.

 

[GraceDK]

He wasn’t an adult when he was 12,

Hellooo???
They are both grown up people. THAT is the situation we are dealing with.
Lot’s of people know the person they end up marrying since childhood, it doesn’t mean ANYTHING.
My own parents knew each other all their lives since they were children… does it mean they did sinful stuff when they were children and were having some perverse stuff going on back then. No it does not…

Your imagination is running off with you to the point where you have become very rude to the OP because of your speculations. Please update yourself by reading her last posts, and apologize to her.

 

[Cristiano]

Hellooo???
They are both grown up people. THAT is the situation we are dealing with.
Lot’s of people know the person they end up marrying since childhood, it doesn’t mean ANYTHING.
My own parents knew each other all their lives since they were children… does it mean they did sinful stuff when they were children and were having some perverse stuff going on back then. No it does not…

Your imagination is running off with you to the point where you have become very rude to the OP because of your speculations. Please update yourself by reading her last posts, and apologize to her.

Do they sound like grown up people?

 

[maryjk]

Hellooo???
They are both grown up people. THAT is the situation we are dealing with.
Lot’s of people know the person they end up marrying since childhood, it doesn’t mean ANYTHING.
My own parents knew each other all their lives since they were children… does it mean they did sinful stuff when they were children and were having some perverse stuff going on back then. No it does not…

Your imagination is running off with you to the point where you have become very rude to the OP because of your speculations. Please update yourself by reading her last posts, and apologize to her.

Sorry, not going to apologize to her. I am not the only one that took her post the way I did.

She has had what seems to be an internet relationship for the past 5 years with what started out as a young boy. As a 17 year old girl, she should have known better. She continued that relationship to the point where she is sending sexually explicit emails to him. And now she is upset that the young man’s father has intervened. She seems to think that converting to Catholicism will solved all of the problems. Most of us are telling her that is has nothing to do with her religion, but the fact that she is sending sexually explicit emails.

I don’t care how old you are, sexually explicit emails are wrong. In addition, it seems that she and the young man have been hiding their relationship. Again, that is wrong.

 

[GraceDK]

Sorry, not going to apologize to her. I am not the only one that took her post the way I did.

She has had what seems to be an internet relationship for the past 5 years with what started out as a young boy. As a 17 year old girl, she should have known better. She continued that relationship to the point where **she is sending sexually explicit emails to him. ** And now she is upset that the young man’s father has intervened. She seems to think that converting to Catholicism will solved all of the problems. Most of us are telling her that is has nothing to do with her religion, but the fact that **she is sending sexually explicit emails.**I don’t care how old you are, **sexually explicit emails **are wrong. In addition, it seems that she and the young man have been hiding their relationship. Again, that is wrong.

Okay, I need you to quote the OP to prove that she has been sending what you call *sexually explicit emails *to the feller. If you cannot show this… I really do hope you will apologize.

 

[GraceDK]

Do they sound like grown up people?

You might think she is immature and the boy most certainly is, but to accuse the OP of seducing a child of 12 is rather more immature when there is no proof of this conduct…