His father doesn't approve and I'm lost.

[Inego_de_Loyola]

**I need to focus on bettering my life and am excited about this personal journey. I don’t want to give up on him and I won’t; my heart will always be open to him, but I need to leave him be for now. It isn’t healthy for me to keep crying every day and driving myself crazy with worry and fear.

I’m going to say what needs to be said and apologize for some things in a message, send it, and go live my life. If we’re truly meant, we will be someday.**

:clapping: Good for you.

 

[GraceDK]

That’s the thing, GraceDK. She has never met the “boy” in person (that we have heard about),

Yes she has.

and has certainly never met his father.
She wrote something which she stated might make the father believe her to be a “whore,” (her words) yet you think all is hunky-dory.

Maybe she was exaggerating and all of you have only focused on that one thing…

If I found out my son had been having a long-term online relationship from the age of 12,

**Again, what do you mean by relationship. There was a friendship… Im tired of saying this … it seems like you all went a bit nuts here accusing the OP for things which were not going on. **

without my knowledge, and with a girl who was then 17? And who was now discussing a future sex life with my son, now that he is 19? You bet I would hit the roof. I don’t care what excuse the girl might use, this simply isn’t right.

**If your son was 19 and in love with a 24 year old they would both be adults and I assure you, imagining making love to someone one day is not a crime if one is a grown up man who is dating a grown up woman. Did you think 19 year olds are a-sexual?

Anyway… its useless writing anymore on this thread. You all believe the OP is a acting bad. I think you are all treating her badly given the only few things we know… end of that.**

 

[Ellyakamommy]

. But they remember seeing things like Facebook comments over the years and hearing me mention him and they know that he is somebody I’ve known for a long time.

This isn’t to bash the situation but to get you thinking in terms of being able to let go. This young man isn’t someont you’ve known for a long time, but someone you’ve contacted for a long time. There is so much we learn from being in one another’s actual presence and relationships are based on that. While you’ have spoken on the phone, you’ve not actually spent time with him.

The young man you fell so hard for is one part what he’s written or said, no parts anything he’s actually done, and three parts what you’ve read into his communications. Same for all of us posting here to you, actually.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

GraceDK:
GraceDK, where did you read that the OP has actually met this “boy” (her term) in person? She has been very careful NOT to say that specifically. In fact she wrote that she had been “in his city,” but not that she had ever met him. “Friends” means something different to teens these days. My son calls people he “knows” on FB “friends.” So she has been in contact with this boy, who was 12 when they started communicating, probably through mutual “friends” on FB.

Personally, I find it very suspicious when someone who is 17 starts communicating in ANY way, with someone who is far below them in chrono age. I don’t care what the genders are. Most people of age 17 are not interested in 12 year olds, not even for friendship. There is little a 12 year old can offer someone who is 17. Without exception, every teen I ask about this gives me a very disgusted look and immediately says, “That’s just wrong.” Yet here, on the CAF, we get a defense of it.

I’m going to make a point of polling people today, just to see what they say. I’m curious as to what the general perception of this situation might be. It’s not going to alter my own internal judgment one bit, but I’m curious about what others will say.

 

[nickybr38]

GraceDK, where did you read that the OP has actually met this “boy” (her term) in person? She has been very careful NOT to say that specifically. In fact she wrote that she had been “in his city,” but not that she had ever met him. “Friends” means something different to teens these days. My son calls people he “knows” on FB “friends.” So she has been in contact with this boy, who was 12 when they started communicating, probably through mutual “friends” on FB.

Personally, I find it very suspicious when someone who is 17 starts communicating in ANY way, with someone who is far below them in chrono age. I don’t care what the genders are. Most people of age 17 are not interested in 12 year olds, not even for friendship. There is little a 12 year old can offer someone who is 17. Without exception, every teen I ask about this gives me a very disgusted look and immediately says, “That’s just wrong.” Yet here, on the CAF, we get a defense of it.

I’m going to make a point of polling people today, just to see what they say. I’m curious as to what the general perception of this situation might be. It’s not going to alter my own internal judgment one bit, but I’m curious about what others will say.

Please provide a link to this poll. You know how I’m going to vote. I guess I don’t understand your objection because I had ‘friends’ who were much younger then me when I was 16 and 17. Often they were very troubled kids who needed SOMEONE in their life who was a little bit more mature.

Our friendships were usually mentor-type situations. Wherein they needed a mentor and I obliged. Not because there’s something wrong with me or because I wanted to take advantage but because I’ve always had a soft spot for people who are suffering - no matter their age.

Many schools have programs where they set older teens up with younger kids who need a ‘big brother’ or ‘big sister’. I’d wager those friendships turn into life long friendships in some cases without anything sinister ever going on.

The kind of relationship described in the OP could very well be this same situation where she was the big sister to his little brother. She clearly states she didn’t encourage his romantic feelings and that she was there for him as he struggled through those awkward growing up years. What’s so terribly wrong with that?

I really think you’re putting people in a box and you shouldn’t be. And I will state that even if the OP had been a 17 year old boy being kind to a 12 year old girl I still wouldn’t have a big issue with that. There’s nothing wrong with kids being kind to each other and forming friendships despite large age gaps.

 

[Kenny_Kamel]

I just wanted to say that I’m a Catholic convert and as far as coming into the Church, well I was in a situation with a few similarities. My best lady friend had been encouraging me to look into the Church after a while of getting to know one another and I did. We had discussed many aspects of our lives and spoke extensively about having a future relationship together which could potentially culminate in matrimony. As it happened things could not work out at that time and we went our separate ways while cutting off contact with one another. I continued on my path to enter into the Church, which I did the following Easter Vigil.

That being said, there was always a part of me that wanted to enter into the Church for her, because of her, with the hope of having her come back into my life. Please do not allow yourself to get locked into this mindset, it took me months to get my head clear of these false notions and I’m a better person because of it. I moved on in life, away from her, and into the Church. BEST MOVE OF MY LIFE. I remember how I felt just prior to entering into the Church and had lingering doubts about doing so without my lady there with me, I was even entertaining thoughts of postponing it until (IF, rather) she came back into my life. Bless the Lord for helping me get past that nonsense.

You talk about wanting to do what is best for YOU, you don’t have to forget about this boy (and he is a boy at 19 and won’t even begin to truly discover his manhood for probably 5 more years or so) but he cannot be the central focus, reasoning, purpose, etc for your conversion. He needs to do what he needs to do in his life and you need to allow him to do it, otherwise I wouldn’t be tossing the L word around at all (even in your mind).

Who knows, your guy and my girl may rediscover each of us during the next season of our lives

 

[WokeUp]

Please provide a link to this poll. You know how I’m going to vote. I guess I don’t understand your objection because I had ‘friends’ who were much younger then me when I was 16 and 17. Often they were very troubled kids who needed SOMEONE in their life who was a little bit more mature.

Our friendships were usually mentor-type situations. Wherein they needed a mentor and I obliged. Not because there’s something wrong with me or because I wanted to take advantage but because I’ve always had a soft spot for people who are suffering - no matter their age.

Many schools have programs where they set older teens up with younger kids who need a ‘big brother’ or ‘big sister’. I’d wager those friendships turn into life long friendships in some cases without anything sinister ever going on.

The kind of relationship described in the OP could very well be this same situation where she was the big sister to his little brother. She clearly states she didn’t encourage his romantic feelings and that she was there for him as he struggled through those awkward growing up years. What’s so terribly wrong with that?

I really think you’re putting people in a box and you shouldn’t be. And I will state that even if the OP had been a 17 year old boy being kind to a 12 year old girl I still wouldn’t have a big issue with that. There’s nothing wrong with kids being kind to each other and forming friendships despite large age gaps.

 

[WokeUp]

Please provide a link to this poll. You know how I’m going to vote. I guess I don’t understand your objection because I had ‘friends’ who were much younger then me when I was 16 and 17. Often they were very troubled kids who needed SOMEONE in their life who was a little bit more mature.

Our friendships were usually mentor-type situations. Wherein they needed a mentor and I obliged. Not because there’s something wrong with me or because I wanted to take advantage but because I’ve always had a soft spot for people who are suffering - no matter their age.

Many schools have programs where they set older teens up with younger kids who need a ‘big brother’ or ‘big sister’. I’d wager those friendships turn into life long friendships in some cases without anything sinister ever going on.

The kind of relationship described in the OP could very well be this same situation where she was the big sister to his little brother. She clearly states she didn’t encourage his romantic feelings and that she was there for him as he struggled through those awkward growing up years. What’s so terribly wrong with that?

I really think you’re putting people in a box and you shouldn’t be. And I will state that even if the OP had been a 17 year old boy being kind to a 12 year old girl I still wouldn’t have a big issue with that. There’s nothing wrong with kids being kind to each other and forming friendships despite large age gaps.

^this. Exactly this.

I’m sorry that some of you feel I’ve acted inappropriately and are projecting onto me, but I don’t feel as though I’ve been wrong at all by being there for him through the years.

I agree that 17-year-olds and 12-year-olds are on different levels; I never sought to contact him back in the day but, rather, was there for him when he needed me. I remember what it’s like to be that age. It’s horrible at times and there were plenty of times where I wished I had somebody to turn to. I don’t feel any guilt for being there for somebody who needed me. I told him time and again through the years to forget his feelings for me because we couldn’t be, but that I would always be here for him.

And I was there for him, and he for me once he got older and I found that sometimes I needed someone to talk to.

When he was a legal adult was when my feelings for him developed. Yes, there was still an age difference, but nothing predatory or wrong. In fact, nothing had ever felt so right.

Now I know that it was not right, though, but because we both have growing up to do (him, especially), not because of some idea that people my age just shouldn’t have anything to do with people his age because it’s “wrong;” it isn’t. We are adults, even if we are not grown.

 

[nickybr38]

^this. Exactly this.

I’m sorry that some of you feel I’ve acted inappropriately and are projecting onto me, but I don’t feel as though I’ve been wrong at all by being there for him through the years.

I agree that 17-year-olds and 12-year-olds are on different levels; I never sought to contact him back in the day but, rather, was there for him when he needed me. I remember what it’s like to be that age. It’s horrible at times and there were plenty of times where I wished I had somebody to turn to. I don’t feel any guilt for being there for somebody who needed me. I told him time and again through the years to forget his feelings for me because we couldn’t be, but that I would always be here for him.

And I was there for him, and he for me once he got older and I found that sometimes I needed someone to talk to.

When he was a legal adult was when my feelings for him developed. Yes, there was still an age difference, but nothing predatory or wrong. In fact, nothing had ever felt so right.

Now I know that it was not right, though, but because we both have growing up to do (him, especially), not because of some idea that people my age just shouldn’t have anything to do with people his age because it’s “wrong;” it isn’t. We are adults, even if we are not grown.

It’s always hard to have your heart dismissed but I think you’ve made the right choice to move on. I wish you the best of luck as you heal. It can be hard but I’m sure you’ll be okay.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Please provide a link to this poll. You know how I’m going to vote. I guess I don’t understand your objection because I had ‘friends’ who were much younger then me when I was 16 and 17. Often they were very troubled kids who needed SOMEONE in their life who was a little bit more mature.

Our friendships were usually mentor-type situations. Wherein they needed a mentor and I obliged. Not because there’s something wrong with me or because I wanted to take advantage but because I’ve always had a soft spot for people who are suffering - no matter their age.

Many schools have programs where they set older teens up with younger kids who need a ‘big brother’ or ‘big sister’. I’d wager those friendships turn into life long friendships in some cases without anything sinister ever going on.

The kind of relationship described in the OP could very well be this same situation where she was the big sister to his little brother. She clearly states she didn’t encourage his romantic feelings and that she was there for him as he struggled through those awkward growing up years. What’s so terribly wrong with that?

I really think you’re putting people in a box and you shouldn’t be. And I will state that even if the OP had been a 17 year old boy being kind to a 12 year old girl I still wouldn’t have a big issue with that. There’s nothing wrong with kids being kind to each other and forming friendships despite large age gaps.

And if there were mentoring relationships going on, both sets of parents would be aware of it. No young person of 12, 13, 14 etc. needs to be turning to another teenager for help, sorry. The help comes from adults, not other teens, and especially not someone outside of one’s family, who is unknown to the parents. If a mentor is needed, it is the parents’ job to find that person or to screen them. Kids cannot help other kids understand the world. A 17 year old with the right mentality would say (or write) to a 12 year old, “You know, you really should talk to your parents about these things. I’m sure they want to help you and they care about you and your future.”

Technology has created this opportunity, the clandestine pseudo-relationship between strangers. What troubles me is that so many teenagers (or even children) seem to think that someone they chat with on Facebook is a real friend. These 2 people have never even met, yet they are swearing they LOVE each other? I can recall at least 2 recent threads by people who contacted someone through a dating website, seemed to hit it off, then met the person and immediately knew there was nothing there that they wanted to pursue. It is a FALSE impression of a relationship.

My intuition of what has transpired in this case is based on different factors than your evaluation has been. I would love to hear what was in that letter, and what the father has to say. I am glad that he blocked all of her communication and that his son has thus far obeyed and closed off avenues, even though this young woman tried to sneak around that by going through a friend.

OP, I hope you come to grips with what has happened and that you stop contacting this young man. Let him get on with his life and you should get on with yours.

 

[nickybr38]

And if there were mentoring relationships going on, both sets of parents would be aware of it. No young person of 12, 13, 14 etc. needs to be turning to another teenager for help, sorry. The help comes from adults, not other teens, and especially not someone outside of one’s family, who is unknown to the parents. If a mentor is needed, it is the parents’ job to find that person or to screen them. Kids cannot help other kids understand the world. A 17 year old with the right mentality would say (or write) to a 12 year old, “You know, you really should talk to your parents about these things. I’m sure they want to help you and they care about you and your future.”

Technology has created this opportunity, the clandestine pseudo-relationship between strangers. What troubles me is that so many teenagers (or even children) seem to think that someone they chat with on Facebook is a real friend. These 2 people have never even met, yet they are swearing they LOVE each other? I can recall at least 2 recent threads by people who contacted someone through a dating website, seemed to hit it off, then met the person and immediately knew there was nothing there that they wanted to pursue. It is a FALSE impression of a relationship.

My intuition of what has transpired in this case is based on different factors than your evaluation has been. I would love to hear what was in that letter, and what the father has to say. I am glad that he blocked all of her communication and that his son has thus far obeyed and closed off avenues, even though this young woman tried to sneak around that by going through a friend.

OP, I hope you come to grips with what has happened and that you stop contacting this young man. Let him get on with his life and you should get on with yours.

You’re just wrong. I’m sorry. Real relationships can be formed long distance. My grandmother and grandfather didn’t meet UNTIL their wedding day. Their communication was through letters alone. They fell in love via those letters. They were married well over 60 years before she passed away.

I can name many, many other relationships (long term) that started with NO PHYSICAL CONTACT.

The internet has made communication more immediate but before the internet people had other ways of forming friendships without ever meeting. I had many penpals growing up who are still friends. And yes, I consider them FRIENDS, despite never having met them.

I really, really think you are wearing very narrow glasses. Life experience has taught me much differently then you are seeing. Your hypothesis are all well and good but when compared with real life your hypothesis fails.

I understand where your concerns lie but not every relationship as detailed in the OP’s outline is destructive, predatorial or BAD.

The OP has already stated she IS moving on with her life. You must have missed that while you were busy making judgments.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

You’re just wrong. I’m sorry. Real relationships can be formed long distance. My grandmother and grandfather didn’t meet UNTIL their wedding day. Their communication was through letters alone. They fell in love via those letters. They were married well over 60 years before she passed away.

I can name many, many other relationships (long term) that started with NO PHYSICAL CONTACT.

The internet has made communication more immediate but before the internet people had other ways of forming friendships without ever meeting. I had many penpals growing up who are still friends. And yes, I consider them FRIENDS, despite never having met them.

I really, really think you are wearing very narrow glasses. Life experience has taught me much differently then you are seeing. Your hypothesis are all well and good but when compared with real life your hypothesis fails.

I understand where your concerns lie but not every relationship as detailed in the OP’s outline is destructive, predatorial or BAD.

The OP has already stated she IS moving on with her life. You must have missed that while you were busy making judgments.

She also said that she was going to send him one last message (how, I am not sure).

You cannot judge whether or not I am wrong about this situation. Only the boys’ father knows the truth of it.

 

[Inego_de_Loyola]

She also said that she was going to send him one last message (how, I am not sure).

You cannot judge whether or not I am wrong about this situation. *** Only the boys’ father knows the truth of it.***

Thank you for making my point for me. Now condemned from your own mouth, will you please just leave it alone. An apology is most certainly in order but I won’t press you on that.

 

[WokeUp]

She also said that she was going to send him one last message (how, I am not sure).

There are ways. One time, and then I will shut up for good and trust that he will contact me in the future if he so wishes and, if that day never comes, at least I will be able to know that I said what I felt needed to be said.

I don’t want there to be any trouble with his family and if being in contact with me right now will jeapordize anything for him, then I certainly don’t want that, either.

The purpose isn’t to try to convince him to stay in contact with me or to pester him to do anything at all. There are simply things I wish I could have said before all this happened and things I don’t want to be unclear to him.

Have you ever felt as though there were things you just had to say in order for you to finally find peace and completely move on with your life? And that if you keep them all inside, they’ll rot there and drive you crazy? That’s how I feel.

When contact is so abruptly and completely ripped from you like that, you’re left shell shocked for a while and it takes a while for rationality to finally set in and once it does, you’re made aware of all sorts of things you should have said and instances in which you really should have been more communicative. There are also things for which I feel I owe him an apology.

 

[Allegra]

I think you should leave the young man alone. As you say, if he wants to contact you, he will. Really, the two of you are in different stages of your life.

 

[Inego_de_Loyola]

I think you should leave the young man alone. As you say, if he wants to contact you, he will. Really, the two of you are in different stages of your life.

She is doing so. She is telling him good by apologizing, tying up loose ends and leaving it at that.

 

[aloe]

He is a 19-year-old-boy who was raised Catholic. I am a 24-year-old girl and I have discussed my conversion so that we could get married someday.

He and I have been good friends for seven years. He always had feelings for me which I ignored until he grew up. We each frequently declared- to one another and to others- that we were the loves of one anothers lives. There is also a bit of distance between us- we’re separated by a state, so our contact was primarily through the internet and phone, although sometimes I sent him letters.

His father intercepted a letter I wrote to him and to say that he hit the roof is putting it very mildly. I don’t want to divulge any details. It ended in his father giving the ultimatum that he cut off all contact with me or he can’t live under his roof.I was planning a trip to visit him for which I would have left in just a few days. He’s my favorite boy in the entire world.

I don’t know how much is his father and how much is him, though. He goes to college; his father, no matter how strict, is not with him every moment. If he truly wanted to contact me, he could find a way. He could send word through somebody else’s Facebook if nothing else.

There are lots of ways many teens, young adults, and adults get around parents/others telling them who to contact and not to contact. When two adults want to be together, in general, they are able to somehow, some way contact each other for better or worse. You are correct in assuming since he goes to college and his father is not with him every minute he is making his own choice on communication with you. I am sorry. I think it is wise to move on. From your post it sounds as if you already know this inside, it just hurts you so you are hopeful there is another way. But the ball is obviously in his court and he is making his choices. I wish you peace with the whole situation and God bless.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Thank you for making my point for me. Now condemned from your own mouth, will you please just leave it alone.** An apology is most certainly in order but I won’t press you on that**.

Good, because I wouldn’t.

 

[cviolette]

I will leave my opinion of what I think of a 17 year old being friends with a 12 year old and just comment on what my reaction as a parent would be.

I have three teeange boys with very different personalities.

My oldest is almost 19’years old. I would be fuming at the 24 year old girl. My son is sensitive and gives his heart to a girl completely and takes forever to let go of a girl. I would feel that the older woman took advantage of him. And would want the relationship to end. I would do what I could to convince my son that she is not the woman for him.

My 17 year old, I would not worry about. His friends and sports are way more important to him than any girl. He can not be controlled or manipulated. I have seen two girls try. Plus, he hates going on-line. He would quickly be bored with an on-line relationship.

My 16 year old, I also would not worry. He has a girlfriend but will still hang out with friends without her and plays sports year around. He does not let her take over her life. And he doesn’t trust easy so would not be easily manipulated or controlled by anyone.

So my reaction would depend on how much control she manage to get over my son.

 

[Inego_de_Loyola]

I will leave my opinion of what I think of a 17 year old being friends with a 12 year old and just comment on what my reaction as a parent would be.

I have three teeange boys with very different personalities.

My oldest is almost 19’years old. I would be fuming at the 24 year old girl. My son is sensitive and gives his heart to a girl completely and takes forever to let go of a girl. I would feel that the older woman took advantage of him. And would want the relationship to end. I would do what I could to convince my son that she is not the woman for him.

My 17 year old, I would not worry about. His friends and sports are way more important to him than any girl. He can not be controlled or manipulated. I have seen two girls try. Plus, he hates going on-line. He would quickly be bored with an on-line relationship.

My 16 year old, I also would not worry. He has a girlfriend but will still hang out with friends without her and plays sports year around. He does not let her take over her life. And he doesn’t trust easy so would not be easily manipulated or controlled by anyone.

So my reaction would depend on how much control she manage to get over my son.

Thank you, I was beginning to worry that we on this thread were incapable of expressing an opinion with charity. You make a good point by the way. I was practically an adult at 15 because the circumstances of my life required me to be, but on the other hand I have known full grown men who were practically children. A lot does depend on the maturity of all parties involved and I don’t feel competent to judge that based on one of the party’s brief account given over an internet forum. The bottom line is that regardless of whether or not they were wrong earlier*, which we are not competent to judge, she is definitely doing the right thing now, and needs support and advice rather than the Spanish Inquisition.

*As a grown man I don’t relay every detail of my life to my father, nor do I ask his permission to make life changing decisions.

Pax te cum,
Iggy