hitting out of anger

[MercyMia]

My initial response was, oh its not that big of a deal, he just lost track of who he was dealing with and regrets it now. But since I really do not know this man or his patterns…I am really afraid of under-reacting and giving you a false sense of everything being okay. At worst, this is a sign that your husband is an abusive man. At least, this is a sign that your husband has the potential to lose his temper with you and might get physical. Even the least scenario not acceptable in any way. Please, make an appointment to speak with a priest…ask him for a referral to marriage therapist as well. There are a variety of factors at work here, and as much as we all would love to help you I think this situation is beyond a message board diagnosis. If you have a history of abuse growing up….abusive patterns may not be as shocking to you as it might to other people, so you may not be seeing huge signs here. I just cannot imagine my husband hitting me….even if I just announced that I emptied his bank account and ran over his dog on my way to sleeping with is best friend.
You will bein my prayers.

 

[Serap]

You have a severe problem Whitacre_Girl. He got angry, out of all proportion to the situation, and hit you because he felt justified by that anger to do so. Then, when you called him on it, he immediately apologized, but when you didn’t immediately get over it completely, he got angry again and gave you the silent treatment. That is manipulation of the first order. Then, when you got him to explain further, he blamed being stressed about lots of stuff, again justifying his physical mistreatment of you. He is not really sorry. He thinks his anger and stress excuse what he did, and because you can’t put on a happy face 30 seconds after he apologized, he feels justified in giving you more of his anger and in shutting you out. The silent treatment is a manifestation of HOSTILITY. Some guys will try to tell you that they are just taking a break, trying to cool off, not make it worse, etc. But even with my loving, wonderful husband, when he gives me the silent treatment, and we talk about it later, he was not really taking a break. He was angry and couldn’t stand dealing with me right then, and he was very actively showing it through the silent treatment. And when I do that to him, I too am being hostile. Thankfully it’s blessedly rare in our marriage.

Whitacre_Girl, some abusers take years to show their true colors. They have to be sure that they have their woman lulled into security, where she will discount his initial abusive behaviors as “out of character” or “isolated incidents.” By the time he escalates for real, you may very well be in a situation where you can’t get out, or it will be terribly difficult. Where you have burned bridges with family and friends thanks to him.

BTW, how did your friends react when he hit you? I am very curious, because I know my DH and I would have been like, “Whoa, dude, what the hell is wrong with you? Get out of our house and leave her here!”

You need to figure out what you are going to do. I think any chance of this marriage staying intact MUST be predicated on him going to anger management. You might want to consider some counseling for yourself, to deal with your past fully and to prepare yourself for what might happen in your future. Build up resources that can help you now, incase you need an escape strategy later.

If I were you, I’d be at my Dad’s house with my kids and telling my husband that maybe someday I will give him a chance to win me back. I mean, a board game… it’s just SO out of proportion… the flag here is so red it’s bleeding.

Whatever you do… DON’T GET PREGNANT. DO NOT bring a child into this marriage. If and when you trust that he will not be an abuser, then have kids, but that may be a long, long haul. Or never.

This advice I would recommend, is to be taken with caution. We don’t know your husband, so we can’t make judgements about his mental health.

Marriage is about 2 people moving towards God together and helping eachother get there together through love for one another. That’s the sacramental view of marriage. The other view is that the sacrament never took place in the first place, due to unrealistic expectations or shortfalls that were unforeseen before the marriage took place. You know which category you are in deep down and no one on CAF can tell you or define what your marriage is.

Your husband may have been avoiding you b/c he didn’t want to say or do anything that would make things worse…perhaps he was feeling helpless and didn’t know how to express himself. When men are confused, they tend to react in anger (hence the silence) whereas we women talk about things.

I too was abused by both parents and us survivors tend to go into survival mode very quickly. We jump to conclusions or get scared very easily. You need to determine if your inner child is thinking for you or if the adult in you is doing the thinking.

It’s never ok to hit in anger, but we are sinners and sometimes we do things in the heat of the moment and they can be isolated incidents.

My husband has a bad temper. We’ve been living together for 6 years (married for 3) and there are times when he could have gotten violent, and he didn’t. I too have had some isolated instances with my husband where I began to think the same as you. Luckily, my husband has never escalated it to another level and there have been times where I’ve shoved him or slapped his arm (or leg), said things I should have never said and he has never ever hit me back. The worst he has done to me is hold my wrist or my hair or corner me and tell me to get away from him, but he has never hit me and believe me, I’ve pushed him to his limits

So I guess I’m trying to say that every situation is unique and we cannot give you sound advice on CAF without knowing you well and your husband well. We can only speak from our own experiences.

 

[Whitacre_Girl]

yes, I know no one here is an expert, and I appreciate all the advice. He and I have been talking about it a lot, and he’s going through more than most people realize, and he didn’t even tell me the full extent until recently.

See, I tried killing myself 3 weeks ago. The pressure of my life has kind of built up to an extreme, all t hings completely unrelated to him, and he never let himself recover from that ordeal, and he was ignoring it and not talking to me about his stress. Speak Up, I’m sorry but all the things you are saying don’t apply to the situation. I’ve been talking to my friends and about it, and the people who know him and they all agree that he’d never do something like that again, and they are sure it’s an isolated insicdent. Plus, I know about abuse cycles, given my background, and it doesn’t apply to him at all. For one, he admits it was utterly wrong and he was actually begging me to hit him back to make him feel better because he couldn’t believe himself that he did such a thing to me. Secondly, he doesn’t cut me down, he’s just anal about certain things. Lastly, it can’t be that he’s an abusive type because he was the first one to step in and say that he wants to see a counsellor with me to make sure it doesn’t happen. Abusive people don’t do that. My dad was the classic abusive person, and he is leagues different from my husband.

I think we’ve got things figured out, I just need to get past the hurt that has come from “he’d NEVER hit me” to “He could hit me.”

 

[Whitacre_Girl]

This advice I would recommend, is to be taken with caution. We don’t know your husband, so we can’t make judgements about his mental health.

Marriage is about 2 people moving towards God together and helping eachother get there together through love for one another. That’s the sacramental view of marriage. The other view is that the sacrament never took place in the first place, due to unrealistic expectations or shortfalls that were unforeseen before the marriage took place. You know which category you are in deep down and no one on CAF can tell you or define what your marriage is.

Your husband may have been avoiding you b/c he didn’t want to say or do anything that would make things worse…perhaps he was feeling helpless and didn’t know how to express himself. When men are confused, they tend to react in anger (hence the silence) whereas we women talk about things.

I too was abused by both parents and us survivors tend to go into survival mode very quickly. We jump to conclusions or get scared very easily. You need to determine if your inner child is thinking for you or if the adult in you is doing the thinking.

It’s never ok to hit in anger, but we are sinners and sometimes we do things in the heat of the moment and they can be isolated incidents.

My husband has a bad temper. We’ve been living together for 6 years (married for 3) and there are times when he could have gotten violent, and he didn’t. I too have had some isolated instances with my husband where I began to think the same as you. Luckily, my husband has never escalated it to another level and there have been times where I’ve shoved him or slapped his arm (or leg), said things I should have never said and he has never ever hit me back. The worst he has done to me is hold my wrist or my hair or corner me and tell me to get away from him, but he has never hit me and believe me, I’ve pushed him to his limits

So I guess I’m trying to say that every situation is unique and we cannot give you sound advice on CAF without knowing you well and your husband well. We can only speak from our own experiences.

Yes, thank you. My husband and I have always had a dream relationship. We fight, but we bounce back from them. It’s really kind of weird how perfect we are together, and this is the first real hint of violence in our marriage, or even heated tempers. I don’t have much of a temper with people (inaniate objects are a different story), and he admitted to me that he has always had a red hot temper, but he has controlled it. But one of the things he said to me this morning was that he knows he has that temper, and the fact that he did hit me made him realize it wasn’t as under control as it was.

I was gleaning advice from these boards to figure out if these kind of “anger taps” (it wasn’t like he bruised me or anything, and it was on the leg) are common, and not a big deal. Also to figure out if, because of my past, I was overreacting to everything. I figured i was, because like I said we have had a very loving and…well darn near perfect marriage up to this incident. So it is a big shocker. Kind of a reality check or something. He has NEVER touched me out of anger before, and never even raised his voice with me. The friends who were present at the incident were a little put off by it, but they made jokes about him needing boxing gloves so we could “fight it out” so they knew something happened, but they have known my husband his whole life, and knew that it wasn’t a big deal. shrugs

 

[MercyMia]

Whitacre_Girl…I am very troubled by your last post. I am very worried for you and the fact that you tried to take your life recently. Please, let us cover you in our prayers for the issues you are going through. But I am begging you…talk with a professional. Please. This sounds very serious.

 

[Speak_Up]

See, I tried killing myself 3 weeks ago. The pressure of my life has kind of built up to an extreme, all t hings completely unrelated to him, and he never let himself recover from that ordeal, and he was ignoring it and not talking to me about his stress.

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. That’s a pretty big freakin’ detail to leave out!

You should be getting mental health care, probably (name removed by moderator)atient, and leave your husband to figure out if HE wants to be married to YOU anymore! Suicide attempts are the ultimate in emotional manipulation, and if I were his friend, I’d be telling him to seriously reconsider his marriage to you.

How dare you come here and present this this way, making us think he might be an abusive man, when you have made his life a living hell and forced him to question his value on every level? I mean, if his wife tries to kill herself, he can’t be very loveable, right? That’s what he’s thinking, that he must be a failure. You can tell yourself the lie that it’s unrelated to him, but you made it related to him by trying to take away his wife.

I wash my hands of this thread right now.

And no, “anger taps” are not common from any halfway decent person.

 

[Serap]

yes, I know no one here is an expert, and I appreciate all the advice. He and I have been talking about it a lot, and he’s going through more than most people realize, and he didn’t even tell me the full extent until recently.

See, I tried killing myself 3 weeks ago. The pressure of my life has kind of built up to an extreme, all t hings completely unrelated to him, and he never let himself recover from that ordeal, and he was ignoring it and not talking to me about his stress. Speak Up, I’m sorry but all the things you are saying don’t apply to the situation. I’ve been talking to my friends and about it, and the people who know him and they all agree that he’d never do something like that again, and they are sure it’s an isolated insicdent. Plus, I know about abuse cycles, given my background, and it doesn’t apply to him at all. For one, he admits it was utterly wrong and he was actually begging me to hit him back to make him feel better because he couldn’t believe himself that he did such a thing to me. Secondly, he doesn’t cut me down, he’s just anal about certain things. Lastly, it can’t be that he’s an abusive type because he was the first one to step in and say that he wants to see a counsellor with me to make sure it doesn’t happen. Abusive people don’t do that. My dad was the classic abusive person, and he is leagues different from my husband.

I think we’ve got things figured out, I just need to get past the hurt that has come from “he’d NEVER hit me” to “He could hit me.”

You definitely need counselling sweetheart! From one survivor to another, you are not coping with “something” in your life well and you need to get that power back. Something in your subconscious is eating away at you. Hold on to life…it’s precious. Don’t give your mother and father power by being depressed. They took away your childhood innocence and it’s not a life sentence!

Sounds like your husband is trying really hard and he loves you. Marriage is about helping eachother become better people and both of you are doing that.

God bless.

 

[Serap]

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. That’s a pretty big freakin’ detail to leave out!

You should be getting mental health care, probably (name removed by moderator)atient, and leave your husband to figure out if HE wants to be married to YOU anymore! Suicide attempts are the ultimate in emotional manipulation, and if I were his friend, I’d be telling him to seriously reconsider his marriage to you.

How dare you come here and present this this way, making us think he might be an abusive man, when you have made his life a living hell and forced him to question his value on every level? I mean, if his wife tries to kill himself, he can’t be very loveable, right? That’s what he’s thinking, that he must be a failure. You can tell yourself the lie that it’s unrelated to him, but you made it related to him by trying to take away his wife.

I wash my hands of this thread right now.

And no, “anger taps” are not common from any halfway decent person.

CRUEL CRUEL CRUEL!!! Shame on you!!! If you have nothing kind to say, then don’t respond to this lady’s cry for help!

 

[whatevergirl]

*WG, I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with so much. Please accept our prayers here. *

 

[Whitacre_Girl]

CRUEL CRUEL CRUEL!!! Shame on you!!! If you have nothing kind to say, then don’t respond to this lady’s cry for help!

I had something meaner to say in response, but this will suffice…well and this:

“don’t let the door hit you on your way out.”

Anyway, thank you for your prayers. I’ve been struggling with suicidal thoughts since high school, and since my mom almost passed, I got laid off, and my best friend has been hospitalised… I’ve had a hard time picking myself up off the ground. Oh yeah, that and in the midst of it all running into people like our dear friend “stand up” who think it’s just a riot to judge people and pass judgements.

I’ve been seeing my priest about it because the search for a therpist is hard. I started sturggling again when I started seeing her because she told me my catholic faith was evil, and tried to get me to take up pagan practices. When I refused she told me I was too immature to truly seek treatment, and suggested I try to fix it on my own “:since I obviously know so much more than her” because I refused to give up my faith. This was a serious blow. My husband swooped in and tore me away from that witch, and we’re very skeptical to get me to someone else. The stress got to him and get got mad.

He’s going to be setting up a chance to see someone else sometime this week and he’s going to go in and do all the talking to make sure that the next one doesn’t kick me out for being a christian too.

 

[MercyMia]

I am so happy to hear that you are seeking the guidance of a priest, praise be to God.
I am also very sad to hear that you were basically abused by a therapist who tried to push new age garbage on you…praise be to God again though, because you saw through it and resisted it!
I am going to be asking my friends Padre Pio and St. Therese to put in some prayer overtime for you

 

[Whitacre_Girl]

I am so happy to hear that you are seeking the guidance of a priest, praise be to God.
I am also very sad to hear that you were basically abused by a therapist who tried to push new age garbage on you…praise be to God again though, because you saw through it and resisted it!
I am going to be asking my friends Padre Pio and St. Therese to put in some prayer overtime for you

thanks. Padre Pio and I have been getting a lot of talking in recently.

 

[Serap]

I had something meaner to say in response, but this will suffice…well and this:

“don’t let the door hit you on your way out.”

Anyway, thank you for your prayers. I’ve been struggling with suicidal thoughts since high school, and since my mom almost passed, I got laid off, and my best friend has been hospitalised… I’ve had a hard time picking myself up off the ground. Oh yeah, that and in the midst of it all running into people like our dear friend “stand up” who think it’s just a riot to judge people and pass judgements.

I’ve been seeing my priest about it because the search for a therpist is hard. I started sturggling again when I started seeing her because she told me my catholic faith was evil, and tried to get me to take up pagan practices. When I refused she told me I was too immature to truly seek treatment, and suggested I try to fix it on my own “:since I obviously know so much more than her” because I refused to give up my faith. This was a serious blow. My husband swooped in and tore me away from that witch, and we’re very skeptical to get me to someone else. The stress got to him and get got mad.

He’s going to be setting up a chance to see someone else sometime this week and he’s going to go in and do all the talking to make sure that the next one doesn’t kick me out for being a christian too.

See, the thing is, when we’re not over our childhood abuse, it manifests itself in our subconscious and when a stressful (or series of stressful) event(s) occur, we are not able to cope. Suicide is a very quick way to get away from it all, but it’s also selfish and it’s not acceptable to God. Human life needs to be treated with dignity, including your own.

You are doing the right thing by seeing a priest for help. You husband is supporting you the best he can and he loves you…that’s obvious.

You need to deal with all the pain and ugliness of your childhood so that you can learn to cope with the inevitable stress of adult life’s ups and downs. My mother has never dealt with her childhood and now she’s almost 65 years old and a complete mess. Don’t live your life like that! It’s just so not worth it.

In order for you to become a good mother, you really need to get those coping mechanisms in place b/c motherhood is extremely stressful and demanding. You need to set aside a good 2 to 3 years for counselling so you can grieve for your hurting inner child and take the power back that you felt you never had as a child.

Prayers for you b/c it’s so so hard dealing with a horrible childhood…I know. I would love to just literally shoot anyone who abuses children!! It’s such a tragic violence in our world and it continues to perpetuate.

It’s strong survivors like you that can break the cycle. I will pray for you to have continued strength and solidarity in your marriage.

 

[Serap]

I am so happy to hear that you are seeking the guidance of a priest, praise be to God.
I am also very sad to hear that you were basically abused by a therapist who tried to push new age garbage on you…praise be to God again though, because you saw through it and resisted it!
I am going to be asking my friends Padre Pio and St. Therese to put in some prayer overtime for you

MercyMia, you’re a very kind soul. God bless you!

I’m going to pray to St. Theresa as well…she’s an awesome saint

Ah what the heck, I’ll pray to ALL the saints and we’ll all pray really hard for Whitacker!!!

 

[Whitacre_Girl]

See, the thing is, when we’re not over our childhood abuse, it manifests itself in our subconscious and when a stressful (or series of stressful) event(s) occur, we are not able to cope. Suicide is a very quick way to get away from it all, but it’s also selfish and it’s not acceptable to God. Human life needs to be treated with dignity, including your own.

You are doing the right thing by seeing a priest for help. You husband is supporting you the best he can and he loves you…that’s obvious.

You need to deal with all the pain and ugliness of your childhood so that you can learn to cope with the inevitable stress of adult life’s ups and downs. My mother has never dealt with her childhood and now she’s almost 65 years old and a complete mess. Don’t live your life like that! It’s just so not worth it.

In order for you to become a good mother, you really need to get those coping mechanisms in place b/c motherhood is extremely stressful and demanding. You need to set aside a good 2 to 3 years for counselling so you can grieve for your hurting inner child and take the power back that you felt you never had as a child.

Prayers for you b/c it’s so so hard dealing with a horrible childhood…I know. I would love to just literally shoot anyone who abuses children!! It’s such a tragic violence in our world and it continues to perpetuate.

It’s strong survivors like you that can break the cycle. I will pray for you to have continued strength and solidarity in your marriage.

Thank you very much. You have really helped me get some perspective on this situation…something that I came in here in the first place for. But given the actions of…some…people on this thread. I kind of want it deleted. Is there a way to request that or something?

 

[Serap]

Thank you very much. You have really helped me get some perspective on this situation…something that I came in here in the first place for. But given the actions of…some…people on this thread. I kind of want it deleted. Is there a way to request that or something?

Don’t make such a request. Don’t be ashamed of your past and current situation! You are a survivor and you don’t need anyone to get in the way of that. Especially a pompous poster on CAF!!!

You be strong and continue to move towards what you want! You go out there and get it and only listen to people who love and support you. Ignore the rest!

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

:hug1:Oh Whitacre-girl, you have been going through a great deal. I hope you are getting help. I’ll pray for you.

 

[CountrySinger]

I am so sorry Whitacre-girl. :hug3: I’ll be praying for you.

 

[rpp]

Let me start by describing a bit about myself. First I am a very largely built man who, for some reason which I have yet to figure out, seems to have a very intimidating presence. I am 6’ tall, barrel chested (54" coat), arms the size of tree trunks and legs even larger. Some people find my presence intimidating. That is unfortunate because I am really a teddy bear and have not hit anyone in anger since before I was 12. I am slow to anger and never threatening even when I am.

Yet I was constantly picked-on by other boys who were inevitably 4 or 5 inches, or more, shorter than me. They could never get a physical response, despite litterally attacking me. I never figured out why until my early 20s; short man’s syndrome.

Despite this, I am a victim of spousal abuse. My ex-wife regularly hit and slapped me, particularly in the neck, confident that if I ever defended myself, no one would believe that a 5’ 3" 108 pound woman woman would have the where-with-all to attack and beat up a 6’ tall, 240 pound man. I knew I could not even ward off her blows because all it would take is one small bruise on her forearm from me blocking a hit to put me in jail. I would just stand there and take it, with my arms at my sides.

Since then, I have become a one-strike person. Strike me once and you are gone.

You said you have been married for two years and this was the first time anything like this happened. Okay, that is fine. This was about the toime my (now ex-) wife started hitting me.

Was he drinking (alcohol)? Were you? If so, then alcohol needs to be completely eliminated. Period. End of discussion. If not, then you need to tell him that next time, the cops get called. There is nothing worse than this type of behavior. We are not Muslims here. Husbands and wive are to be partners. The husband is not the lave owner and the wife the slave.

Tell your husband that if he wants to continue to behave like a Muslim, he will end up in jail.

 

[Whitacre_Girl]

Let me start by describing a bit about myself. First I am a very largely built man who, for some reason which I have yet to figure out, seems to have a very intimidating presence. I am 6’ tall, barrel chested (54" coat), arms the size of tree trunks and legs even larger. Some people find my presence intimidating. That is unfortunate because I am really a teddy bear and have not hit anyone in anger since before I was 12. I am slow to anger and never threatening even when I am.

Yet I was constantly picked-on by other boys who were inevitably 4 or 5 inches, or more, shorter than me. They could never get a physical response, despite litterally attacking me. I never figured out why until my early 20s; short man’s syndrome.

Despite this, I am a victim of spousal abuse. My ex-wife regularly hit and slapped me, particularly in the neck, confident that if I ever defended myself, no one would believe that a 5’ 3" 108 pound woman woman would have the where-with-all to attack and beat up a 6’ tall, 240 pound man. I knew I could not even ward off her blows because all it would take is one small bruise on her forearm from me blocking a hit to put me in jail. I would just stand there and take it, with my arms at my sides.

Since then, I have become a one-strike person. Strike me once and you are gone.

You said you have been married for two years and this was the first time anything like this happened. Okay, that is fine. This was about the toime my (now ex-) wife started hitting me.

Was he drinking (alcohol)? Were you? If so, then alcohol needs to be completely eliminated. Period. End of discussion. If not, then you need to tell him that next time, the cops get called. There is nothing worse than this type of behavior. We are not Muslims here. Husbands and wive are to be partners. The husband is not the lave owner and the wife the slave.

Tell your husband that if he wants to continue to behave like a Muslim, he will end up in jail.

LOL. No, there was no alcohol involved at all. Not a drop.

I am very sorry to hear about your ex. I fully believe spousal abuse happens from women too, and its sad.

He and I have talked about it a lot, and I have every confidence this won’t happen again. It’s actually opened a door to each other that we didn’t know was there about some of the most core secrets we had. I dunno, but what Satan intended for evil, it seems God is using for good, and it bringing us even closer together.

I so have to be honest, it seems that Satan has been attacking me personally for many years now. And it seems he has given up on everything else, and is now focusing on my marriage, and what’s really spinning my head, is that just as much as I see Satan tearing us down, I see the presence of God building it back up. I swear to you I can FEEL the presence of Michel in my house, and I am suddenly aware on a whole new level the spiritual warfare going on in my house. Maybe someone here said something to St. Michael? Well, it worked XD