Honoring my future Roman Catholic in-laws

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nhylan

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Hello,
This is my first post but I have been trying to find some information on your boards for a few weeks now and haven’t really found what I’m looking for. First off, some background info.

My finance and I are getting married! I am Episcopalian and she is Roman Catholic. Her parents are VERY Roman Catholic but have graciously given us approval to have our wedding ceremony at the Episcopal church I worship and cantor at. We are going to have a Roman Catholic priest bless the ceremony and stand my our church’s priest during the service. Beyond this I would like to find some ways of further honoring them and their religious heritage perhaps through uniquely Roman Catholic prayers or music or perhaps something I haven’t even thought of. I would love some ideas from those who are Roman Catholic or those who have experience trying to sort of meld some aspects of Roman Catholicism into other denominational services (particularly Anglican or Episcopalian).

I don’t want to sound like a jerk but I figure I should cover this ahead of time: Telling me to have the service in an RC church isn’t particularly constructive. Please understand and respect our choice to have the service where we want.

Thank you in advance for your thoughts and ideas.

NWH
 
nhylan said:
Hello,
This is my first post but I have been trying to find some information on your boards for a few weeks now and haven’t really found what I’m looking for. First off, some background info.

My finance and I are getting married! I am Episcopalian and she is Roman Catholic. Her parents are VERY Roman Catholic but have graciously given us approval to have our wedding ceremony at the Episcopal church I worship and cantor at. We are going to have a Roman Catholic priest bless the ceremony and stand my our church’s priest during the service. Beyond this I would like to find some ways of further honoring them and their religious heritage perhaps through uniquely Roman Catholic prayers or music or perhaps something I haven’t even thought of. I would love some ideas from those who are Roman Catholic or those who have experience trying to sort of meld some aspects of Roman Catholicism into other denominational services (particularly Anglican or Episcopalian).

I don’t want to sound like a jerk but I figure I should cover this ahead of time: Telling me to have the service in an RC church isn’t particularly constructive. Please understand and respect our choice to have the service where we want.

Thank you in advance for your thoughts and ideas.

NWH
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I guess it depends upon the views of your parish, the resources available and such… How does your praish view Mary? There’s a beautiful (optional) things you could do involving the blessed Mother of the Church. If that sounds like it might be too offensive, then maybe something small, like having rosaries visible or something.

But to be perfectly honest, I think the best thing you can do to honor your parents, is to honor your wife and her faith. The best suggestion is that you both attend Catholic mass on say, Saturday, then attend your service on Sunday (or vice versa? if you have an optional Saturday), and to honor her views as a Catholic.

I’m very glad to read about your efforts to honor your future inlaws, it’s so great reading about people who actually try living the teachings of Christ.

God bless,
 
The best thing to do is just be respectful of their faith–unlike my inlaws who make it a point to mock and disrespect Catholicism to my face any time the get (ironically they used to be Catholic).

Anyway, there are so many things you can do at a wedding, it’s hard to list them all. If I were you, I’d ask your future bride what she thinks her parents might like (or if you are comfortable, ask them). One thing I thought of, maybe have Ave Maria played as the mothers are being seated. It’s subtle, but will stand out to your Catholic in-laws.

I wish you and your bride all the best.
 
Attending Mass either that morning (though that may not happen due to the tradition of not seeing each other) sounds like a great idea actually. Perhaps we could go the day before or something.
 
No offense, but saying that you are Episcopal doesn’t exactly narrow things down very much for us to know the kinds of things that could fly for you. There are Episcopal parishes that are 98% catholic and Episcopal parishes that are very nearly Wiccan covens. Where do your beliefs fall in the spectrum?

If you have a nearly catholic understanding of the communion of saints, I’d suggest including a littany of the saints consisting of saints rceognized by both communities. Never hurts to have prayers for you, eh?

I’d suggest having the wedding NOT be a mass to avoid the sticking point of differences in communion. No fun having one whole side of the church stay in their seats while the other side goes up.

But the ceremony is downright trivial in comparison to the life questions. I don’t know you and you may have already worked through the next part. It’s not intended to be insulting or condescending. What are your Sundays going to be like? Is she essentially converting to your religion? Are you aware that catholicism sees the Eucharist as the very body and blood of Jesus transubstantiated by a miracle of Grace established by Christ and perpetuated in obedience to Him through the unbroken apostolic lineage of catholic priests (and that this apostolic succession was discarded during the heavily protestant years of the Anglican church)? Has she wrapped her head around what these differences will mean in the next 60 years? ( evangelization and formation of kids, Sunday worship, community life, obedience in life decisions, formation of conscience…). There is a reason St. Paul warned believers not to be “unevenly yoked” in marriage. Before saying “I do”, please make utterly sure you’ve got iron-clad blessing from God for going against this biblical advice. We live in a culture that says you should marry the one you “fall in love with” and that ridicules the idea of weeding out incompatibles BEFORE getting too close. But its a screwed up culture, why take their advice over St. Paul’s? Pray hard and God bless.
 
Manualman,

Thank you for your response and my apologies for my vagueness, you are correct, there are lots of different churches our there. My congregation is,what I would call, Liturgically Conservative but socially liberal. Service is directly out of either Rite I and Rite II out of the book of common prayer. We believe and use the Nicean creed etc etc.

On the last part of your post, thank you for your concern but we have worked this out and talked about it several times I think. Before she started coming to church with me she was, and forgive me if this is impertinent, a casual catholic at best. That being said I greatly appreciate your tact and understanding on these matters.
 
Ave Maria at the end of the ceremony may help. The catholic audience will give ear to that. We Catholics have a lot of traditions that rance from culture to culture. You may want to consult with her to see what she would like to have performed during the ceremony.

The litany of the saints is a good idea, especially the ‘ecumenical’ saints.

You may also ask the Catholic priest ahead of time to bless a rosary for her during the ceremony before his final blessing. She will always remember that day every time she looks at that rosary.

After the ceremony is over, you may also take a picture with her family and the catholic priest. They will feel included and it will be a reminder for her of that day as well.

Congratulations! May God bless your marriage.
 
nhylan said:
…but have graciously given us approval to have our wedding ceremony at the Episcopal church …
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Well - I hate to tell you this, but it is not her parent’s prerogative to allow her to be married wherever she wishes, nor is it her priest’s. She must have permission from her Bishop to marry outside the Church or the marriage will be invalid. So this is not about getting your way, this is about the possibility of living in an invalid marriage. She is CATHOLIC and is bound by the laws of the CATHOLIC CHURCH.
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Does she have permission from her Bishop? Her priest offering to show up is not necessarily an approval by the Bishop, some priests don’t know any better or turn a blind eye to such things.

~Liza
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lizaanne said:
Well - I hate to tell you this, but it is not her parent’s prerogative to allow her to be married wherever she wishes, nor is it her priest’s. She must have permission from her Bishop to marry outside the Church or the marriage will be invalid. So this is not about getting your way, this is about the possibility of living in an invalid marriage. She is CATHOLIC and is bound by the laws of the CATHOLIC CHURCH.
**
Does she have permission from her Bishop? Her priest offering to show up is not necessarily an approval by the Bishop, some priests don’t know any better or turn a blind eye to such things.

~Liza
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I’m not sure if you read his whole post, but a Catholic Priest is going to convalidate the marriage at the ceremony it’s self. Do you honestly beleive this would be possible if they didn’t have permission from their Bishop?

God bless,
 
crazzeto said:
Do you honestly beleive this would be possible if they didn’t have permission from their Bishop?
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Yep - I sure do! We see horrible sad stories on this forum all the time of priests who did not do what they are supposed to do, and years down the road when someone decides they want to re-marry they find out their first marriage was not properly performed. Happens all the time.

If I were that woman I would want a piece of paper IN MY HAND from my Bishop giving me permission to marry outside my own Church.

AND - he said “bless the ceremony” - what does that mean exactly?? Any priest can say a blessing over a couple, it does not magically make an invalid marriage valid. He did NOT say convalidation.

~Liza
 
crazzeto said:
I’m not sure if you read his whole post, but a Catholic Priest is going to convalidate the marriage at the ceremony it’s self. Do you honestly beleive this would be possible if they didn’t have permission from their Bishop?

God bless,
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Yes definitely, some priest are a law unto themselves these days. She needs to get the dispensation in writing from the Bishop, thats assuming the Bishop will actually grant it.

I wonder has the OP agreed to raise the children Catholic?
 
unless the Bishop of the diocese has given a dispensation for her to be married outside of The Church then the marriage will be invalid (not a Sacrament) no matter what the Parish Priest does. This dispensation must be granted for a Catholic to have a valid marriage performed outside of the Church. This is very important.
 
You are correct in that I did say “bless” not convalidate. I am unfamiliar with this idea, an explanation would be appreciated.

Liza, why the giant letters in caps? I felt that it was rather heavy handed. I’m looking information not a beat down here lol. Just explain this stuff to me, be kind. 🙂
 
No, we have not agreed to raise our children Roman Catholic, and though I believe the RCC is filled with millions of wonderful, faithful, charitable Christians, I am not inclined to.
 
nhylan said:
No, we have not agreed to raise our children Roman Catholic, and though I believe the RCC is filled with millions of wonderful, faithful, charitable Christians, I am not inclined to.
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Then I greatly doubt you fiancée has a dispensation from the Bishop and if not your marriage will be invalid in the eyes of the Catholic Church.
 
Honestly, if your fiancee was a casual Catholic at best, there’s probably not much in the way of Catholic particulars that she’ll miss when marrying in a Rite I or II service. She may find it even more formal than what she remembers Catholic Mass being like! 😉

Funny enough, I have almost the opposite experience. I was raised Episcopalian and converted to Catholicism a few years before marrying my wife in the Extraordinary Form of the Catholic liturgy (aka the "Latin Mass).

Like crazetto said, there are some Marian devotions which are rare in Anglican circles which you could use if you like (I know I’ve seen Lady Chapels in many Anglican churches). Another option would be to use Latin in some of the prayers, blessings, or hymns. Again, these are more traditional things that aren’t even seen very often in Catholic weddings nowadays, so I’m not sure there would be any impact on your fiancee or future in-laws.

Oh! I do want to say I respect your decision to try to include your in-laws wishes and traditions into your wedding. Don’t take it personally if the more…zealous… folks here start sniping. It’s the internet. 😉
 
This is what I didn’t want this thread to turn into. The original topic is how to include some Roman Catholic aspects into a tradition Episcopal wedding ceremony. Please don’t worry about the validity of our marriage in the eyes of the RCC. We aren’t worried, so neither should you. 🙂
 
nhylan said:
You are correct in that I did say “bless” not convalidate. I am unfamiliar with this idea, an explanation would be appreciated.
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Please do a search on the forum for “convalidation” of someone does not respond. I do apologize but I can’t get to it today to get you a source for more info. I’m supposed to be working. 😊
Liza, why the giant letters in caps? I felt that it was rather heavy handed. I’m looking information not a beat down here lol. Just explain this stuff to me, be kind. 🙂
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It’s just a font, don’t take it personally. I wrote it in another window because I was busy and when I pasted it here it kept the formatting. No biggie. Worry more about the content then the size of the letters. 😉

~Liza
 
nhylan said:
This is what I didn’t want this thread to turn into. The original topic is how to include some Roman Catholic aspects into a tradition Episcopal wedding ceremony. Please don’t worry about the validity of our marriage in the eyes of the RCC. We aren’t worried, so neither should you. 🙂
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So you really REALLY don’t have an issue with your girlfriend living in a state of sin?! Do you realize that it is a mortal sin for a Catholic to remain in an invalid marriage if they are aware of it? Why would you not care more for the state of her soul? That is a very worrying trend to start out a marriage. 😦

Hey - I’m not trying to be mean or ruin your day, I’m trying to save her from making a major mistake and entering into an invalid marriage. This is extremely serious, and I don’t know if you get that. And if you don’t care, then that’s even MORE serious.

~Liza
 
Advocatus_Fidei said:
Then I greatly doubt you fiancée has a dispensation from the Bishop and if not your marriage will be invalid in the eyes of the Catholic Church.
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which in turn would keep her from recieving the Sacraments in the Catholic Church.
 
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