Honoring my future Roman Catholic in-laws

[nhylan]

Just thought I’d give you guys an update on our little ecumenical adventure in marriage.

We met with the RCC priest last night, I was a little nervous but turns out there was no reason to be. He was very nice, calm. We talked a little about our experiences with other peoples marriages then we got down to the nitty gritty. We signed 2 forms, 1 was just a general religious background and the other was a form to go to Archbishop O’Malley for approval for the priest to attend the service.

He explained the promise of raising our children Catholic a little differently than what I had thought from the descriptions on this forum. He explained that the church wished you to promise that you UNDERSTAND that the church would hope that you would raise your children as Catholics, it was my understanding that they would make us promise to flat out raise our children Catholic. I was relieved, I wasn’t going to lie to the priest so I wasn’t looking forward to telling him I couldn’t make that promise.

So now he is coming to the service, will give a blessing during or before the service and we are all very happy with the arrangement. The Catholic Church wants the service done as it would be traditionally done in the Episcopal Church so we are doing the regular Episcopal Service though I’m thinking of using the Anglican Use service since the language is so gorgeous. Has anyone had experience using the Anglican Use version of the 1979 BCP?? Thanks for all for their advice and knowledge when I started this.

 

[Non_Serviam]

Nhylan, my congratulations to you on your upcoming marriage and your desire to honour your inlaws. I also commend you on displaying excellent judgment and knowing when to be flexible and when to set boundaries with others.

Some Catholics believe that being part of the “one true church” allows them to loudly and proudly dismiss your church’s ministry and communion, as well as giving them carte blanche to toss around terms like “heretic”, “in sin” etc. Some Catholics possess tact and charity and, even if their beliefs disagree with yours, will recognize that they have to mix their message with empathy. I know as I have both types in my extended family.

Continue to set flexible boundaries and you’ll have a happy life as this is a skill that is also useful with spouses and in-laws. (although make sure there is more flex than boundary in the case of your wife)

As to something you might do, you could consider a donation to a Catholic charity of their choice if your budget permits it (it would be a more private symbol to them, but touching nonetheless) or you might find something that ties into the ethnic aspect of their catholicism-i.e. a patron saint or traditional prayer-the catholics in my family are Irish and one can never go wrong with St. Patrick or something sung or recited in Gaelic.

Lastly, while not specifically part of the wedding, you might consider their faith in the selection of your children’s names, when the time arrives for that.

Good luck to you!

 

[joandarc2008]

Very glad to hear everything worked out - I think the Anglican service is a good choice for what you originally had asked about honoring your RC inlaws as the RC and Anglican are very similar in language.

 

[1ke]

He explained the promise of raising our children Catholic a little differently than what I had thought from the descriptions on this forum. He explained that the church wished you to promise that you UNDERSTAND that the church would hope that you would raise your children as Catholics, it was my understanding that they would make us promise to flat out raise our children Catholic. I was relieved, I wasn’t going to lie to the priest so I wasn’t looking forward to telling him I couldn’t make that promise.

What a shame that he did not explain it accurately. Here is what the Church actually states on the matter:

Can. 1124 Without the express permission of the competent authority, marriage is prohibited between two baptised persons, one of whom was baptised in the catholic Church or received into it after baptism and has not defected from it by a formal act, the other of whom belongs to a Church or ecclesial community not in full communion with the catholic Church.

Can. 1125 The local Ordinary can grant this permission if there is a just and reasonable cause. He is not to grant it unless the following conditions are fulfilled:

1° the catholic party is to declare that he or she is prepared to remove dangers of defecting from the faith, and is to make a sincere promise to do all in his or her power in order that all the children be baptised and brought up in the catholic Church;

2° the other party is to be informed in good time of these promises to be made by the catholic party, **so that it is certain that he or she is truly aware of the promise and of the obligation of the catholic party **

Seems your fiancee does not plan to fulfill either part of paragraph 1. She intends to defect from the faith and she does not intend to raise the children Catholic. Under such circumstances, the Bishop cannot give a dispensation from form or permission for a mixed marriage.

How sad that the priest would actually deceive the Bishop (the local Ordinary) in order to gain permission. And also that he would soft pedal the requirement when explaining it to you. The requirements are quite clear, as you can see from the text of the canons.

 

[nhylan]

Interesting… could the canon be flexible or slightly different from diocese to diocese? He read the thing right off the form from the Cardinal O’Malley’s office.

Also, I should have mentioned that we have decided it is best if she not convert to Episcopalian since this would result in a grave falsehood in having the priest at the ceremony as well as difficulties it may cause in her family (her aunt is a nun).

 

[crazzeto]

Interesting… could the canon be flexible or slightly different from diocese to diocese? He read the thing right off the form from the Cardinal O’Malley’s office.

Also, I should have mentioned that we have decided it is best if she not convert to Episcopalian since this would result in a grave falsehood in having the priest at the ceremony as well as difficulties it may cause in her family (her aunt is a nun).

No, the Canon can not be applied selectively. If you feel like the conditions have not been met, then I wonder if there is some problem. Were you completely honest about your intentions when you discussed the matter with her parish/Bishop? Was there a miscommuncation? The local Bishop does not have the power to over rule the teachings of the Magisterium.

 

[joandarc2008]

The Canons are the overall Church laws- they cannot vary from diocese to diocese. Different ordinaries may write them out differently and put them in terms to make them more readable for the laity but these should not be mistaken for the Cannons themselves.

 

[1ke]

Interesting… could the canon be flexible or slightly different from diocese to diocese? He read the thing right off the form from the Cardinal O’Malley’s office.

No. Canon law is universal. It applies to all.

There are certain things where the bishop has discretion, but this isn’t one of them. Canon law clearly states when a bishop has authority to deviate from the norm or has lattitude.

Also, I should have mentioned that we have decided it is best if she not convert to Episcopalian since this would result in a grave falsehood in having the priest at the ceremony as well as difficulties it may cause in her family (her aunt is a nun).

From the Catholic perspective, this is good.

 

[manualman]

Catholicism is sometimes as frustrating on the inside as it is confusing from the outside. It can certainly seem like an awful lot of priests just ‘wing it’ based on feel rather than the principles outlined by the Church.

Your efforts to be sensitive to your relatives and actually comprehend the catholic perspecitve is impressive. Thanks for the respect and may God Bless you.

 

[prodigal-sun]

carte blanche[/I] to toss around terms like “heretic”, “in sin” etc. Some Catholics possess tact and charity and, even if their beliefs disagree with yours, will recognize that they have to mix their message with empathy. I know as I have both types in my extended family.

It is interesting you have got that out of this thread. NO where do I see anyone dimissing his church or ministry, maybe you can enlighten us? Everyone that has been posting here IMHO has been helping Nylan to understand the importance of his future wifes position in The Cathoilc Church. No one is talking about his soul but hers. She is Catholic and as such she is held to the Cathollic standard like every other Catholic. I hope this helps you understand your folly in what you stated above or are you just trying to "Dismiss outr churchs ministry and communion. If so that would possibly make you a hypocrite? I dunno…

Peace!

 

[medellinhu]

(We met with the RCC priest last night, I was a little nervous but turns out there was no reason to be.)

Glad you went to a priest and got a professional opinion and guidance.

 

[lelhajj]

If your future wife plans to remain Catholic then she must do one of two things in order to remain a Catholic in good standing and be able to recieve all the other Sacraments (Eucharist, Confession, Extreme Unction).

1. Marry you in the Catholic Church.
2. Recieve a dispensation from the Bishop of her diocese to marry in a non-Catholic ceremony. I would contact the Bishop’s office for more information about what is needed to obtain this.

If she does one of these two things then your marriage is both a Sacrament and Valid.
/QUOTE

There is something to consider about which in my personal opinion it is extremely important to ask her: would she mind if, when she is almost dying she can not receive Extreme Unction? This is something very important to a catholic. I do not believe that a good raised catholic would not mind at her death bed to be forgiven and to die at peace and in agreement with God. Even if it sounds not important now, or like an obstacle, it would really very caring if you ask her that question. I know you care for her, and her soul must be very important not only to her, but to you also that is the reason why you and her should know and meditate about what it really means to leave one’s religion and what you are also given up if you decide to do so. As i said before, being raised a catholic, the importance of dying in agreement with God is extremelly important. As you said, you want to be married in your church (because it is very important to you to do so), and also that your children to be raised religiously as you are, but, the very personal, intimate moment when we are facing our death, and not to be able to receive the sacramental blessing is something really important and it should be taken into great consideration.