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SouthCatholic
Guest
ExGratia …
Just post lots of picture of the house restoration. I love old houses!
Just post lots of picture of the house restoration. I love old houses!
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EnduringMercy
Guest
Great response!
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Pink_Lemonade
Guest
I think your response to the woman at church was just fine. You will get more direct questions from other people though, who will ask you what you do for work. However you say it, people will come to understand that you are a homemaker and if they are going to judge you, there really isn’t anything you can do.
I too am recently married and (not by choice) out of work, so I do all the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, bill-paying, etc, while looking for a full-time position. People have said such inappropriate things. One family member asked how I like being a “woman of leisure”, others have insinuated that I am lucky that my husband is a hard worker because hey, someone has to work, or that the reason I married was so that I wouldn’t have to. It really bothers me, and I can never think of anything smart or witty to say in the moment.
Some people will understand, some people won’t, some people will mind their own business and others will be rude. In the end though, it is only between you and your husband. If you are blessed enough that you can afford to stay home, and you are both happy with your decision, you do not need to defend your choice to anyone else. I am not sure what it is about our culture that people feel so comfortable voicing their opinions on things that are not their business, but just focus on settling into your life with your new husband, and let others say what they will. If people who judge you see that you are both happy, maybe they will start to wonder what you’re doing right! Congratulations on your marriage.
I too am recently married and (not by choice) out of work, so I do all the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, bill-paying, etc, while looking for a full-time position. People have said such inappropriate things. One family member asked how I like being a “woman of leisure”, others have insinuated that I am lucky that my husband is a hard worker because hey, someone has to work, or that the reason I married was so that I wouldn’t have to. It really bothers me, and I can never think of anything smart or witty to say in the moment.
Some people will understand, some people won’t, some people will mind their own business and others will be rude. In the end though, it is only between you and your husband. If you are blessed enough that you can afford to stay home, and you are both happy with your decision, you do not need to defend your choice to anyone else. I am not sure what it is about our culture that people feel so comfortable voicing their opinions on things that are not their business, but just focus on settling into your life with your new husband, and let others say what they will. If people who judge you see that you are both happy, maybe they will start to wonder what you’re doing right! Congratulations on your marriage.
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HelenRose
Guest
I think what you say to yourself is far more important. In any case don’t be defensive. Sometimes people have no idea what their questions imply and sometimes they mean to be every bit the envious cats they sound to be.I’ve missed you all since I became a Mrs!
I previously wanted to bring up this subject but wanted to wait until it became a reality.
While engaged, my fiance, ahem, husband, and I decided I would be a housewife. The main reason is I felt called to it and we prayed about it and are very happy with our decision.
There are also many practical reasons as follows:
So, the question is, how do I answer people’s questions about this? I feel that if I say any of those reasons alone I would not be being truthful. For example, we didn’t even know we were going to get the house until long after we decided I would make a home…now quite literally!
- I have always felt attracted to the domestic arts: cooking, cleaning,sewing
-We are completely open to life and would actually like to start a family soon, if it is God’s will
-We are about to begin a major restoration of a very large very historical house.
-my husband works very hard and usually 6 days a week and has been on steady midnight shift for 3 months. If I was still working at my office job, we wouldn’t get to spend any time with each other since his awake and home hours would correspond with me being at work or asleep (and that’s not how you get to be unitive and procreative…if you catch my drift!)
-he is super appreciative of all I do to make his life run smoothly.
Someone after daily Mass asked me if I was headed to work for the day, and I answered truthfully by saying that today I was taking the cat to the vet! But that isn’t the whole truth. I’ve read on here about people being responded to negatively for the choice to stay home, even with children!
What would you say if you were me? And how would you feel about a young, healthy couple making this choice?
A sweet smile and, “Oh yes, I have been so blessed to be able to do the things that I love. Sure, it is hard work sometimes. But my husband and I are so grateful that we can follow OUR dreams.”
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tundramom
Guest
I was fortunate to stay home when my kids were little. I honestly don’t know how I would have accomplished anything otherwise! I did put “Domestic Goddess” on my tax return though. No audit thus far. Now I work at a call center for mostly elderly who phone in their grocery orders. It’s full time and it’s almost a ministry for me.
I also got to stay home with my grandbaby for the first two years of her life. NOTHING to be ashamed of. I feel very fortunate that we were able to do that.
Steph
I also got to stay home with my grandbaby for the first two years of her life. NOTHING to be ashamed of. I feel very fortunate that we were able to do that.
Steph
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EasterJoy
Guest
I’m a SAHM even though my kids are in 7th grade and I have a PhD. When one of my relatives got married, I asked his wife (a practicing attorney) how married life was treating them. She said it was great, but they “sure could use a wife!” Someone to garden, someone to take the cat to the vet and be home when the furnace needs to be checked, someone to shop and cook and make homemade jam. Many couples would be happier if they could afford what you and your husband are doing, even the ones who don’t have children at home.
Don’t worry, you’re not being judged by the people at daily Mass. Many of them were homemakers for decades, and still are. They are the backbone of many parishes. Yes! I mean to say that the lady at church merely wanted to know if she had a prayer of getting you to help clean church on Fridays!!
Seriously, though, check out the Altar Society. The ladies who run the parish are usually like you and wish that more women these days–or men, for that matter, because they can’t afford to be picky!!–were like you, too. They really need you. Besides, ironing altar linens, washing the albs of the altar servers, and making food for funeral luncheons elevates the whole enterprise of homemaking. Consider that, if you haven’t already.
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TheRealJuliane
Guest
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EasterJoy
Guest
The thing to remember is that middle school teachers, police officers, corrections officers, house cleaners, everyone in the funeral industry…well, a lot of people get the same thing. Meanwhile, people assume that if you make it as an entertainer or a professional athlete, you have it made, while in reality those can be very difficult occupations from which to run a decent personal or family life.
Someone pointed out to me that any time “the crowd” is for or against something in the Gospels, you know it’s a shallow or wrong-headed opinion. It’s a point worth thinking about!
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ExGratia
Guest
Thank you to all responses! It is true that my new “job” will allow me to get more involved in parish life, particularly the behind-the-scenes work, and I am looking forward to seeing how I’ll get to contribute!I’m a SAHM even though my kids are in 7th grade and I have a PhD. When one of my relatives got married, I asked his wife (a practicing attorney) how married life was treating them. She said it was great, but they “sure could use a wife!” Someone to garden, someone to take the cat to the vet and be home when the furnace needs to be checked, someone to shop and cook and make homemade jam. Many couples would be happier if they could afford what you and your husband are doing, even the ones who don’t have children at home.
Don’t worry, you’re not being judged by the people at daily Mass. Many of them were homemakers for decades, and still are. They are the backbone of many parishes. Yes! I mean to say that the lady at church merely wanted to know if she had a prayer of getting you to help clean church on Fridays!!
Seriously, though, check out the Altar Society. The ladies who run the parish are usually like you and wish that more women these days–or men, for that matter, because they can’t afford to be picky!!–were like you, too. They really need you. Besides, ironing altar linens, washing the albs of the altar servers, and making food for funeral luncheons elevates the whole enterprise of homemaking. Consider that, if you haven’t already.
To the Domestic Goddess, did you get that from Nigella Lawson? Time for me to revisit her books!
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SusanneT
Guest
Congratulations and good for you - it sounds like you will have your work cut out !
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Kennywood
Guest
Congratulations on your marriage and new house! It is a fabulous time in life- and you are lucky that you will be able to appreciate it.
I’ve been at home 12 years now. After we had been socializing together a few times, a friend’s husband asked me (within earshot of my husband) if I felt like I was “wasting” my education. That was probably the most bold question on the subject I’ve ever had. In all honesty, I told him no, that I felt that supporting my family from home is the most worthwhile thing I could possibly do, and I believe that.
As long as you and your spouse are happy, don’t give it another thought. Have fun with the question, don’t worry about when it will come up.
I’ve been at home 12 years now. After we had been socializing together a few times, a friend’s husband asked me (within earshot of my husband) if I felt like I was “wasting” my education. That was probably the most bold question on the subject I’ve ever had. In all honesty, I told him no, that I felt that supporting my family from home is the most worthwhile thing I could possibly do, and I believe that.
As long as you and your spouse are happy, don’t give it another thought. Have fun with the question, don’t worry about when it will come up.
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Iheartcoffee
Guest
I think it is great that you can stay home. My husband was out of work until just recently so he was a “stay-at-home husband” for quite a while. It was GREAT! We really stayed on top of things at home. He got a job and we have found home life to be much more hectic.
Not to be a complete downer, but as a housewife/homemaker/domestic goddess/home engineer make sure that you have a good emergency fund in place and all affairs in order for things like life insurance (for both of you). My mother-in-law was a stay at home mom to 5 kids when her husband died at 35 of a heart condition. He had no life insurance and an outdated will. My husband was exactly one month old when it happened. They were not prepared for the worst and they really struggled for a long time because of it. It can be hard to get a well-paying job if you have been out of the workforce for a while. I say all this to make sure that you prepare for the worst so you will always have security- not to be a downer!
My husband and I would ultimately like to get to a point where we both have jobs flexible enough to be able to spend some time at home. He’s the cook in the marriage and I am NOT- so I am always glad to have his domestic talents.
Not to be a complete downer, but as a housewife/homemaker/domestic goddess/home engineer make sure that you have a good emergency fund in place and all affairs in order for things like life insurance (for both of you). My mother-in-law was a stay at home mom to 5 kids when her husband died at 35 of a heart condition. He had no life insurance and an outdated will. My husband was exactly one month old when it happened. They were not prepared for the worst and they really struggled for a long time because of it. It can be hard to get a well-paying job if you have been out of the workforce for a while. I say all this to make sure that you prepare for the worst so you will always have security- not to be a downer!
My husband and I would ultimately like to get to a point where we both have jobs flexible enough to be able to spend some time at home. He’s the cook in the marriage and I am NOT- so I am always glad to have his domestic talents.
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ThyKingdomCome
Guest
I have had to deal with that sort of question about why I homeschool. With practice, I have gotten better at it. I actually came up with a standard answer and practiced it. This way, I am prepared to explain my point of view in a confident and reasonable way when I want to. Key words: “when I want to.”
Of course, how you answer a question depends on who is doing the asking, and if they are respectful about it. For a person who is not particularly respectful, or for a really quick answer, you could say, “this is the arrangement works best for us.” For the acquaintance who is respectful and genuinely curious about why you are a homemaker, you might say, “There are actually a lot of reasons why we made this decision. For example,…” and list off one or two of the things on your list, just to give an idea. If a respectful conversation flows from that great. If the person gets defensive, or puts you on the defensive, just go ahead and say, “Everyone is different. This is what works best for our family. To each his own.”
To be honest, I wonder if you’ll really get a lot of those questions. When people ask you what you do, or where you’re going, or if you “have the day off,” they’re probably just trying to be friendly or get to know you. Just matter of factly state, “I’m not employed - I’m a homemaker/I stay at home.” Most people will say, “Oh that’s nice!” or “Oh, I wish I could do that.” or something reasonably non-offensive, and won’t ask “why,” unless they have the impression that you’ve recently lost your job. Straight forward, simple answers, are the best way to go. This way, you don’t sound like you’re embarrassed or hiding something, and you don’t sound like you are insecure and need to convince them to agree with you. Of course, this will get easier if you have children - then, they’ll all know why.
Of course, how you answer a question depends on who is doing the asking, and if they are respectful about it. For a person who is not particularly respectful, or for a really quick answer, you could say, “this is the arrangement works best for us.” For the acquaintance who is respectful and genuinely curious about why you are a homemaker, you might say, “There are actually a lot of reasons why we made this decision. For example,…” and list off one or two of the things on your list, just to give an idea. If a respectful conversation flows from that great. If the person gets defensive, or puts you on the defensive, just go ahead and say, “Everyone is different. This is what works best for our family. To each his own.”
To be honest, I wonder if you’ll really get a lot of those questions. When people ask you what you do, or where you’re going, or if you “have the day off,” they’re probably just trying to be friendly or get to know you. Just matter of factly state, “I’m not employed - I’m a homemaker/I stay at home.” Most people will say, “Oh that’s nice!” or “Oh, I wish I could do that.” or something reasonably non-offensive, and won’t ask “why,” unless they have the impression that you’ve recently lost your job. Straight forward, simple answers, are the best way to go. This way, you don’t sound like you’re embarrassed or hiding something, and you don’t sound like you are insecure and need to convince them to agree with you. Of course, this will get easier if you have children - then, they’ll all know why.
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Debora123
Guest
You shouldn’t have to worry about what other people think, and you owe no one any explanation whatsoever. I myself fully intend on being a stay at home wife when my husband starts making enough money to support us both, and I will have no problem answering such questions with “I’m a house wife!!”I’ve missed you all since I became a Mrs!
I previously wanted to bring up this subject but wanted to wait until it became a reality.
While engaged, my fiance, ahem, husband, and I decided I would be a housewife. The main reason is I felt called to it and we prayed about it and are very happy with our decision.
There are also many practical reasons as follows:
So, the question is, how do I answer people’s questions about this? I feel that if I say any of those reasons alone I would not be being truthful. For example, we didn’t even know we were going to get the house until long after we decided I would make a home…now quite literally!
- I have always felt attracted to the domestic arts: cooking, cleaning,sewing
-We are completely open to life and would actually like to start a family soon, if it is God’s will
-We are about to begin a major restoration of a very large very historical house.
-my husband works very hard and usually 6 days a week and has been on steady midnight shift for 3 months. If I was still working at my office job, we wouldn’t get to spend any time with each other since his awake and home hours would correspond with me being at work or asleep (and that’s not how you get to be unitive and procreative…if you catch my drift!
-he is super appreciative of all I do to make his life run smoothly.
Someone after daily Mass asked me if I was headed to work for the day, and I answered truthfully by saying that today I was taking the cat to the vet! But that isn’t the whole truth. I’ve read on here about people being responded to negatively for the choice to stay home, even with children!
What would you say if you were me? And how would you feel about a young, healthy couple making this choice?
P
poker10
Guest
Good advice. The world today isn’t how it was in decades past. It’s much harder to live in a one-earner world unless that one earner is making very good money. And that can change fast depending on economic conditions. Gone are the days when a person stays at one company for 30 or 40 years. Gone is that security.I think it is great that you can stay home. My husband was out of work until just recently so he was a “stay-at-home husband” for quite a while. It was GREAT! We really stayed on top of things at home. He got a job and we have found home life to be much more hectic.
Not to be a complete downer, but as a housewife/homemaker/domestic goddess/home engineer make sure that you have a good emergency fund in place and all affairs in order for things like life insurance (for both of you). My mother-in-law was a stay at home mom to 5 kids when her husband died at 35 of a heart condition. He had no life insurance and an outdated will. My husband was exactly one month old when it happened. They were not prepared for the worst and they really struggled for a long time because of it. It can be hard to get a well-paying job if you have been out of the workforce for a while. I say all this to make sure that you prepare for the worst so you will always have security- not to be a downer!
My husband and I would ultimately like to get to a point where we both have jobs flexible enough to be able to spend some time at home. He’s the cook in the marriage and I am NOT- so I am always glad to have his domestic talents.
My wife wanted to stay at home, too. But with the kids came increased costs. Add to that a job with no pay increases and sometimes pay cuts, we made the decision that she had to go back to work to help support the family.
But even with two average incomes, it can still be hard when the unexpected arises. Which happens much more when kids are in the picture than when it was just the wife and I.
L
lily20
Guest
Our culture is infatuated with the word “career” (which means “significance” in our language) so you will encounter this often, maybe even from close friends and famiily. You do not have to answer questions. Honoring this position is the best reward.
- Status