hamburglar, there have been several very wise posts on here, but let me add a point or two from the opposite side of the aisle. I am a woman who feels called to be married. Now, Mr. Right hasn’t come along yet. I have a few–a very few–preconceived notions about him, and about the sort of person I want to be when I meet him.
Catholic? Almost certainly, as I’ve known exactly one interfaith marriage (in which the children were raised strictly Catholic) that has both worked out well and has produced solidly Catholic children…and the dad converted around ten years into the marriage. And by Catholic (can’t believe that I have to specify this), I do mean someone who’s in agreement with the Church vis-a-vis NFP, no artificial birth control, no premarital sex, etc, etc, etc.
Indeed, I want someone who is already very strong in his faith because part of the vocation of a husband and father, I believe, is to be something of a priest in his own home: he leads the family in worship and to God. On the other hand, I believe that a wife and mother needs to teach her children to have a spiritual life…so I try to prepare myself spiritually to do that. I pray every night to the Blessed Mother, spend time (if not so much time as I ought) in Adoration, and read books about the vocation of a wife and mother. (For anyone interested, I can’t recommend enough von Hildebrand’s “By Love Refined” and Genevieve Kineke’s “The Authentic Catholic Woman”.)
Mentally healthy? Well, we all have our quirks, no doubt about it. I’ve been through clinical depression before, and I certainly realize that it’s a nasty process. In my case, though, I believe it was due to circumstances rather than brain chemistry. (This certainly isn’t the case for everyone.) This is one area in which I found spiritual direction incredibly helpful. Again, this may not work for everyone, but my depression has poked its nose in the door all of one or two days of the last six months. I ascribe that to starting to have a prayer life. I still don’t pray and meditate as often as I should, but just having evening prayer and spending some time in Adoration has been INCREDIBLY helpful. Too, I’ve become more mature through this process, and so I think have become more fit for my vocation.
Finally, there
is the question of
finances. I’m not looking for a millionaire, nor even someone particularly wealthy. I am, however, looking to marry someone with a steady income that will be sufficient to have us live in a safe area, drive a reliable (not brand new, not a Porsche, just reliable) car or two, and not be worried from week to week about a paycheck. It isn’t responsible, to my way of thinking, to start a family if there isn’t a way of providing the basics for them…and in this Church, marriage generally does lead to a family.
In my case, I keep my credit card balance low or non-existent, as I don’t want to enter a marriage and burden someone with debt.
I suppose that what I’m trying to say is threefold.
First, you need to get yourself spiritually in shape before you look to enter into the rather incredible-but-demanding relationship that is marriage. I STRONGLY suggest that you ask a priest for a little spiritual direction. Find a priest you think you’d be comfortable with and ask him to give you an hour or two. A good priest will REALLY help clarify what’s going on with you spiritually and emotionally, and will give you solid suggestions about both a prayer life and vocational discernment. Developing a close relationship with God before you do so with a woman will make the latter relationship infinitely better. Relying on Him is harder than leaning on someone you can physically see and talk to…but He’s infallible, always there, and only wants what’s best for you. If you’re supposed to be married, he’ll lead you to the right woman. You might consider praying for your future spouse now; even if you don’t know her yet, your prayers can do her nothing but good and are a beautiful gift for her. I say the Litany of the Blessed Virgin Mary every night for my future husband, asking Our Lady to guide him, watch over him, and give him peace. (I also add a caveat to the effect of “and if it turns out I’m not supposed to marry, use any graces associated with this Litany for whatever you think best, Mother.”)
Second, the mental health issues cannot help but improve when you develop a better and spiritual life. As someone earlier pointed out, marriage is tough enough without getting into it with mental health issues. I’m not saying this precludes you from getting married; it doesn’t. I will say that I would not be interested in seriously dating someone who had unresolved depression. (If he needed to be on antidepressants because the depression was chemical, I wouldn’t mind that. As I said, we all have our quirks. I mean untreated, unresolved depression.)
Finally, before you seek a spouse, make sure you’re in a position to start a family in a couple of years. If you’re in your last year or two of college, are spiritually and mentally fit, and know that upon graduation you could expect to have a steady job with sufficient income for a family, it sounds to me like an excellent time to look into finding a wife.
Mental and physical loneliness is hard, I know, and hormones are thoroughly unhelpful in this regard. I do have friends, though, and hobbies; comradeship and laughter, I’ve found, is another sign of God’s love. Keeping busy has also helped considerably lessen my depression, I think.
I suppose that this tome I’ve typed (assuming any of you are still reading!) leads up to this: try to, with God’s help, make yourself the man you would want the love of your life to spend her life with. True love is completely unselfish and wants only the best for the beloved, so make yourself into the best man that you can be.
), and even though I well remember the “call of the hormones,” believe me, it’s better to give it a few more years of maturing and gaining financial stability before you tie that very terminal knot. Once you’ve crossed that threshold, you’ve passed into TroublesGaloreLand. Cherish your freedom and your options while you’re still single. The fact that you’re not finding anybody right now might well be a “sign” that the time is not right.
to keep you content and your mind occupied, and work on gaining wisdom and insight.