How are Catholics supposed to date?

[Jonikiro]

Hi guys. First time poster here, but I get the feeling this thread is gonna pick up some flak. Please be gentle!

I’m a Junior in college who’s been dating women since high school. Being a shy kid, I always wanted to make more friends and date the women I liked. Today, I can say I’ve accomplished that goal in spades.

If your jerk-alarms are starting to go off, that’s alright. They should be.

Now, I’ve always wanted to lead a good Catholic lifestyle. Studying the Catechisms has taught me a lot of the reasons behind why the Church does what it does, and lucky me, I happen to agree with a lot of it. As far as that concerns women, I thought that I was being a good Catholic by abstaining from sex.

The shock I felt after recently discovering abstinence included everything below the neck was mind-blowing. Like a bag of bricks being dropped on my private parts. No supple breasts? No silky thighs? No tender kisses blossomed across the belly of a lovely femme fatale? I knew that sex was a no-no, but foreplay was HUGE for me.

Now, you’re probably thinking I’m an idiot for not knowing this before hand. Well, I am. And I’d like to change that. Reading the Catechism’s teachings on the subject helped me understand why this was, and like I said, leading a Catholic lifestyle is important to me. I’ve since chosen to lead a celibate lifestyle until the day I marry.

Well…now what? To me, the difference between dating and just being friends was always physical. Now, I love developing intimate friendships with people, man or woman, but that’s all they are: Friendships. Friends talk, couples talk and kiss, right? After discovering what celibacy truly means, though, I’m no longer sure. Maybe I just have a perverse idea of how relationships work.

So tell me, guys. How exactly are Catholics supposed to date? What signals the difference between a friend and a catholic girlfriend?

 

[Belgarion]

I won’t get into differences between courtship and dating…since that’s obviously not what this is about.

to answer your concerns simply,

**Don’t do anything you wouldn’t do in front of her father, or any member of her family. **

Better yet, a priest, Mary or the Lord God Himself.

See? Simple.

 

[Ame]

I don’t know…do you give your regular friends a peck on the cheek or a look of love the way you would your girlfriend? Do you hold hands with your regular friends? I can think of a million physical things you do to show a girlfriend love that distinguishes the relationship from a regular friend status. Do you send every girl you know flowers and love notes? I hope these suggestions are helping!

 

[Jonikiro]

Um. No, look, I understand that holding hands and dry kisses are fine, that’s not the problem.

I’m not looking for physical ways to distinguish between friends and girlfriends because it looks like everything short of a loving hug and tender peck is out of the question. I’m looking for something beyond the physical, something that makes a Catholic relationship more…fulfilling than an intimate friendship.

Because right now, that’s exactly what a Catholic relationship looks like: A really intimate friendship. And you know what, that’s fine by me, too. I’d be glad to develop more intimate friendships over the course of my life until I find one that I’d like to evolve into marriage.

But right now, I need to know if Catholic Dating is just an oxymoron.

 

[Eucharisted]

Purity is the spice of life, for it makes women beautiful and art glorious; it makes sex wonderful and love blessed.

Catholic marriage is two Catholics joined in one flesh who share one vocation: to live in Christ and to serve one another and the Church, for sacramental marriage is a sign of the marriage of Christ and His Church. The couple go to Mass together, pray together, help each other, help others, and raise children for the growth of the Kingdom and the good of the world.

Just as life on Earth prepares us for Heaven, so too dating prepares us for marriage.

This is why Catholics are encouraged to marry other Catholics, although dating and marrying non-Catholics is fine. (But because matrimony is so sacred - indeed, a sacrament - you need a dispsension to marry a non-Catholic, especially if they are a non-Christian)

Prepare yourself for marriage with a woman by growing in love, for love is the bond of unity. Marital relations comes within marriage, as a consummation of marriage and as a means to pleasure the couple and procreate children, for the good of the family and of the world (for the family is the building block of the world; where the family goes, there goes the nation, there goes the world). Before marriage, you must build up love. Allow Christ to reign in your heart as in Heaven, and you will be ready for marriage.

Purity is the spice of marriage just as it is of life: without it, sex becomes sensationalist, and, eventually, dull, and the connection and love grows cold, in either one or both partners. Be pure, imitate Jesus Christ. Ask Him for the graces you need - the best prayer is the Our Father.

All blessings and graces come from Holy Communion. We are all one in Communion, for there is no longer man or woman but all are one in Christ, all become eucharist (“eucharisted”), members of the Church, that is, the Body of Christ. So if you receive Holy Communion with a Catholic woman, you become mystically united to her, and she to you, and your love for one another grows in Christ, the same Christ in whom you have become mystically one. But if the woman is not a member of the Mystical Body of Christ, than this grace is not acquired; however, God can supply for all things lacking, so trust in Him and pray, pray, pray.

Another good reason for a Catholic spouse is sacrifice. Not everyone knows the redemptive power of suffering in light of the Cross of Jesus Christ, so it would be best to choose a spouse who dose know, for certainly your marriage will be met with trials and tribulations, sent by the devil to tear you two apart and destroy the family - for he hates God and those who love Him. But again, you can choose a non-Christian spouse, though that will carry an extra cross for both of you to carry. Trust in God and I’m sure He’ll work everything out for the both of you. Do not say, “I cam bear this cross myself!” but rather say “Jesus, help me bear my crosses patiently for You!” for the former is pride and God dose not favor the proud, taking His graces away from them so that they become humble, but the latter is humiliy and God delights in the humble, giving them even more graces than they had asked for - for no one is as gracious as God is! (Indeed, He gives us each second of life, though we deserve hell by a single mortal sin).

 

[Jonikiro]

See, that’s what I’m looking for. That makes sense, man. Thanks.

If anyone else has an opinion, go ahead and post it. I’m going to take this recent one to the bank, though.

 

[chevalier]

No foreplay is actually quite a relief. You don’t get your unfulfilled desires up and you can finally have the pure and chaste romance you always dreamt about until you discovered the dubious pleasures of having some physical fun with women of whom you don’t know if they’ll be in your life tomorrow. Plus, you get to talk. And you can play chess. Mmmm… chess…

 

[Primrose]

Hi

I’m a soon-to-be Catholic. I also have been married in a civil marriage to a non-practising Catholic, but he had an affair and chose her over me and the children. (that’s another story)

One guy who isn’t shy about saying he’s staying chaste till his marriage is the Mexican actor Eduardo Verastegui. He says that daily mass and confession once a week helps him to stay in focus.

I just know that don’t go there. You don’t have to kiss, yes, it’s hard but stay focussed on Jesus. Get to know the person, and if that person brings you closer to God and is a person you really fall in love with without the physical stuff, then that’s what you’re aiming for. The physical stuff confuses you into believing you’re into someone mentally but when push comes to shove you have absolutely nothing in common. I have found that out the hard way. My ex and I had a ‘modern’ relationship, then getting pregnant when we’d only been together for 9 months. I’m now a single mum to 4 children. If my ex and I had really gotten to know each other before getting physical we would not have gotten married or had children. Hind sight is a good thing, I am blessed with 4 beautiful childen and I can use my testimony to help my children, the youth and you in not making the same mistake.

Bless you
Primrose:thumbsup:

 

[Primrose]

:ballspin:

No foreplay is actually quite a relief. You don’t get your unfulfilled desires up and you can finally have the pure and chaste romance you always dreamt about until you discovered the dubious pleasures of having some physical fun with women of whom you don’t know if they’ll be in your life tomorrow. Plus, you get to talk. And you can play chess. Mmmm… chess…

:harp:

 

[Joseph_L_Varga]

You can play tennis. Go canoeing together. Walk in the sunset… THAT’S pure romance…

Oops, maybe you are up in the North somewhere. Take her cross-country skiing!

 

[Jacki5389]

Hi! I’m a Catholic college sophomore, so I can sort of understand your frustrations…those confusions that our generation has made of sex and relationships.

In our Catholic student group, we’re looking at this month as “vocational love month.” Just last week, we talked about Theology of the Body. I don’t know too much about it, but Christopher West writes some easy-to-read books on it. Theology of the Body is a series of talks from PJPII on the human body and our sexuality.

Anyway. We talked last week about the difference between abstinence and chastity. Abstinence=not having sex. Chastity=what you are doing instead of having sex (and no, that does not mean foreplay is included lol).

Someone told me once that if you think your relationship is too physical, ask yourself this: If I were to take the sex (or physical aspect) out of this relationship, what would be left? I think that as young dating Catholics, we should be concentrated on what we are doing beyond a physical relationship. After all, if you marry your girlfriend, you have the rest of your life to be physical with her! AND, the relationship you establish before the physical is what makes the difference in a lasting marriage, and true love. Saving your physical self for marriage and respecting your girlfriend’s physical self is also a sign to her that you love her for more than her body.

Hope this was a bit helpful!

 

[Belgarion]

Hi! I’m a Catholic college sophomore, so I can sort of understand your frustrations…those confusions that our generation has made of sex and relationships.

In our Catholic student group, we’re looking at this month as “vocational love month.” Just last week, we talked about Theology of the Body. I don’t know too much about it, but Christopher West writes some easy-to-read books on it. Theology of the Body is a series of talks from PJPII on the human body and our sexuality.

Anyway. We talked last week about the difference between abstinence and chastity. Abstinence=not having sex. Chastity=what you are doing instead of having sex (and no, that does not mean foreplay is included lol).

Someone told me once that if you think your relationship is too physical, ask yourself this: If I were to take the sex (or physical aspect) out of this relationship, what would be left? I think that as young dating Catholics, we should be concentrated on what we are doing beyond a physical relationship. After all, if you marry your girlfriend, you have the rest of your life to be physical with her! AND, the relationship you establish before the physical is what makes the difference in a lasting marriage, and true love. Saving your physical self for marriage and respecting your girlfriend’s physical self is also a sign to her that you love her for more than her body.

Hope this was a bit helpful!

Sounds like something Jason Evert would say

Maybe the OP should take a look at some of his books.

 

[Jacki5389]

YES!!! Here’s a link to an awesome talk given by Jason and his wife, Crystalina, called Romance without Regret

catholic.com/audio/chastity/romance_without_regret-catholic.ram

And some more about him: catholic.com/seminars/evert.asp

 

[Liberanosamalo]

First, when you talk to women, lay off all the semi-porn language.

Not kosher.

If looking into their eyes doesn’t fill you with joy, looking at the rest of them is just a waste of time. You don’t have the real thing there.

The couples that endure all say the same thing “I married my best friend.”

Not “I married a red-hot lover.”

You can only tell if they are your best friend by being a friend. Not sidetracking it as a lover.

It’s always been my observation that when watching others date, the relationship ALWAYS gets frozen at the level it was when they started sexual activity. Once that started, actual learning about the mind and soul of the other person took a back seat.

Then you only know someone incompletely. And you don’t have enough information to make a real decision about whether they are right for you.

And they only know you incompletely.

There is a reason they call the wedding night the “consummation.” It’s the highest point in the relationship. The fulfillment of everything that has come before.

Some people have that after knowing the person all of what? Two days? Some consummation.

Then it’s all downhill. No grace of a marriage sacrament to assist you.

Do it the right way. Start with changing the way you think. That will change the way you talk and act.

 

[Arclight]

… How exactly are Catholics supposed to date? What signals the difference between a friend and a catholic girlfriend?

Enjoy your time in college. If some of what you’re reading doesn’t make sense, remember: same planet, different world.

 

[Dtmccameron]

Um. No, look, I understand that holding hands and dry kisses are fine, that’s not the problem.

I’m not looking for physical ways to distinguish between friends and girlfriends because it looks like everything short of a loving hug and tender peck is out of the question. I’m looking for something beyond the physical, something that makes a Catholic relationship more…fulfilling than an intimate friendship.

cough Marriage cough

 

[Sillara]

cough Marriage cough

Exactly.

 

[chevalier]

You can play tennis. Go canoeing together. Walk in the sunset… THAT’S pure romance…

Oops, maybe you are up in the North somewhere. Take her cross-country skiing!

Haha, yeah. See, if you can’t be bothered to share a hobby or one of your favourite activities with a person, then what-in-the-tax-statement are you doing wooing her? If there’s none such, focus on your studies or hobbies or social activities. In the end, those who persevere are rewarded. You don’t want to be in a mediocre relationship when you meet someone with whom you could have a meaningful one (and leading to a happy marriage).

Exactly.

Ditto.

 

[Arclight]

Speaking from the point of view of someone who was a an undergraduate, you’ll find these four years as a time of exposure to many, many different ideas and perspectives. You will broaden your horizons and find yourself undergoing surprising personal changes as you mature. You’ll probably date many different kinds of women (even protestants, feminists, foreign students) and probably none of them too seriously because your life goals are still evolving. Frankly speaking, unless you’re working for a living and attending college, these will not be the most mature time of your life either.

As I said earlier, enjoy college.

 

[Sillara]

Speaking from the point of view of someone who was a an undergraduate, you’ll find these four years as a time of exposure to many, many different ideas and perspectives. You will broaden your horizons and find yourself undergoing surprising personal changes as you mature. You’ll probably date many different kinds of women (even protestants, feminists, foreign students) and probably none of them too seriously because your life goals are still evolving. Frankly speaking, unless you’re working for a living and attending college, these will not be the most mature time of your life either.

As I said earlier, enjoy college.

I enjoyed college. I dated a boy in junior and senior years of college. We got engaged in between our junior and senior years. We graduated on Monday and got married on Friday of the same week.

It’s twelve years of marriage for us in May.

Don’t waste time dating someone who is not even a potential spouse.