How can a husband go on strike?

[whatevergirl]

*lol–that’ll do.

Hmmm…what might get through. It takes time to break these habits. The dilemma you have is if you strike or close the account or take away her credit cards, etc…then you become a dad, she becomes a child. I never think that is a good idea. It won’t bring long lasting change, either. Since you’ve been over this a few times, would she be open to praying about this every night…together? You both would be working on the issue together. Just a thought. It might help her feel differently, if she is ‘‘accountable’’ to God for her spending habits, and not just you. Just my ramblings for the night. *

 

[flyingfish]

It is when things started showing up on my credit report, I have found bills with late fees, and I recently got a call about late payments. We are not in trouble because of bonuses, overtime, and raiding long term savings.

I do tend to track every cent to create a budget and calculate the long term reprocussions of the budget but it isn’t an issue of exceeding a planned budget it is the exceding the bank account.

How would the average woman react to the amount of money your wife spends? Does she buy expensive jewelry, purses, frequently eat at expensive restaurants, buy lots of expensive clothes, take expensive trips with friends?

The only example you gave so far is that she bought too many toys, how many toys did she get?

I mean I ask this because you sound an awful lot like my father, who wanted to control every single penny my mother spent to the point of reading over grocery lists . And he also made long term “repercussions of the budget”, when by objective standards my mother was reasonable about spending.

 

[royal_archer]

How would the average woman react to the amount of money your wife spends? Does she buy expensive jewelry, purses, frequently eat at expensive restaurants, buy lots of expensive clothes, take expensive trips with friends?

The only example you gave so far is that she bought too many toys, how many toys did she get?

I mean I ask this because you sound an awful lot like my father, who wanted to control every single penny my mother spent to the point of reading over grocery lists . And he also made long term “repercussions of the budget”, when by objective standards my mother was reasonable about spending.

After a few big delinquencies I got direct payments for the big ticket items, a little bit goes into a Christmas fund, and the rest goes to her. She insisted on keeping the check book and she is doing the majority of the household shopping. I only got involved when bills went delinquent. Every so often we go through the budget and set aside money for all of the expenses so that we can plan for things and she has (name removed by moderator)ut into that list. There is plenty of money for everything when it is being watched. Another example is the kids wanted shirts so they picked some out and she bought one of each color instead of asking the kids to pick a single shirt each. Each little thing may not be outrageous but these things stack up quickly.

One video game out of the blue (not birthday etc) is OK; three at a time is excesive. And the point I was making was not over the price of the toy but the extreme reaction instead of a discussion of an appropriate level of spending.

 

[flyingfish]

After a few big delinquencies I got direct payments for the big ticket items, a little bit goes into a Christmas fund, and the rest goes to her. She insisted on keeping the check book and she is doing the majority of the household shopping. I only got involved when bills went delinquent. Every so often we go through the budget and set aside money for all of the expenses so that we can plan for things and she has (name removed by moderator)ut into that list. There is plenty of money for everything when it is being watched. Another example is the kids wanted shirts so they picked some out and she bought one of each color instead of asking the kids to pick a single shirt each. Each little thing may not be outrageous but these things stack up quickly.

One video game out of the blue (not birthday etc) is OK; three at a time is excesive. And the point I was making was not over the price of the toy but the extreme reaction instead of a discussion of an appropriate level of spending.

I dunno, I mean you just sound so much like my dad. (Who was impossible to live with in part because of this, and my parents marriage was very rocky until he changed his ways and stopped trying to micromanage everything.)

My dad would always worry about money and the future, he worked hard and made good money, but he was always concerned about savings and about the future. He wanted to save as much as possible, to the point where our lives were actually pretty bad.

How much can tshirts and videogames possibly cost? I would really advise you to reconsider the way you approach this. Tshirts and 3 videogames are not the spendings of a wasteful wife who buys heaps of designer clothes and jewelry.

What you call your wife’s “extreme reaction” may be a normal reaction to you overreacting over your wife getting your kids several tshirts instead of only 1 each, or buying 3 video games.

It seems like this issue is hurting your marriage, just like it was hurting my parents’ marriage. But maybe instead of hoping that your wife will fall in line and only buy the kids 1 tshirt and 1 videogame, you should make some personal adjustments in your attitude toward your wife.

It would be one thing if she was expecting you to be her sugar daddy and was spending on luxuries, but none of the examples you gave sound like that. Presumably you love your wife and your kids, and are working hard so that they can enjoy their lives? Right? If your kids get 2 extra video games or some extra tshirts they’ll be the happier for it, and it’s not like it’s excessive since you’ve said you earn a decent amount of money.

 

[royal_archer]

*lol–that’ll do.

Hmmm…what might get through. It takes time to break these habits. The dilemma you have is if you strike or close the account or take away her credit cards, etc…then you become a dad, she becomes a child. I never think that is a good idea. It won’t bring long lasting change, either. Since you’ve been over this a few times, would she be open to praying about this every night…together? You both would be working on the issue together. Just a thought. It might help her feel differently, if she is ‘‘accountable’’ to God for her spending habits, and not just you. Just my ramblings for the night. *

She goes to church more as an obligatory / cultural thing . She shows no interest in religion or prayer.

 

[royal_archer]

I dunno, I mean you just sound so much like my dad. (Who was impossible to live with in part because of this, and my parents marriage was very rocky until he changed his ways and stopped trying to micromanage everything.)

My dad would always worry about money and the future, he worked hard and made good money, but he was always concerned about savings and about the future. He wanted to save as much as possible, to the point where our lives were actually pretty bad.

How much can tshirts and videogames possibly cost? I would really advise you to reconsider the way you approach this. Tshirts and 3 videogames are not the spendings of a wasteful wife who buys heaps of designer clothes and jewelry.

What you call your wife’s “extreme reaction” may be a normal reaction to you overreacting over your wife getting your kids several tshirts instead of only 1 each, or buying 3 video games.

It seems like this issue is hurting your marriage, just like it was hurting my parents’ marriage. But maybe instead of hoping that your wife will fall in line and only buy the kids 1 tshirt and 1 videogame, you should make some personal adjustments in your attitude toward your wife.

It would be one thing if she was expecting you to be her sugar daddy and was spending on luxuries, but none of the examples you gave sound like that. Presumably you love your wife and your kids, and are working hard so that they can enjoy their lives? Right? If your kids get 2 extra video games or some extra tshirts they’ll be the happier for it, and it’s not like it’s excessive since you’ve said you earn a decent amount of money.

I think you seriously misread something.

How could I be micromanaging when She had free reign of the entire checking account?

Also even one game is excessive if it means not paying taxes, a utility bill, etc.

Will the kids be happy when the electricity gets cut off?

She does buy herself jewelry and expensive clothing, but that gets lost in the piles of stuff she already has and by the time I see it, a few weeks have gone by. The shirts (~$20 each) and toys are things that I found out about when they happened. These are just some examples of a couple items from multi hundred dollar shopping trips. Obviously, I am not going to start typing in a numerous array of items here.

I don’t have a problem with the cost, just when the bank account gets emptied on fun stuff and bills go unpaid and debt collectors start calling.

Also, there is nothing stopping her from getting a part time job to get some more “play” money.

 

[flyingfish]

Obviously, I am not going to start typing in a numerous array of items here.

Sorry, but I wrote what I did because I thought those were her biggest transgressions since they were the only examples you mentioned and they didn’t seem like egregious overspending to me.

Does she feel like you don’t budget in enough for her fun stuff, is that why she puts it on the credit card and doesn’t pay? Are you only leaving the bare minimum and putting as much as possible into long term savings plans?

 

[royal_archer]

Sorry, but I wrote what I did because I thought those were her biggest transgressions since they were the only examples you mentioned and they didn’t seem like egregious overspending to me.

Does she feel like you don’t budget in enough for her fun stuff, is that why she puts it on the credit card and doesn’t pay? Are you only leaving the bare minimum and putting as much as possible into long term savings plans?

I obviously don’tant to get into dollar values here and will try to phrase things in relative terms.

I only put enough into savings to get the 401 K matching.

Every so often we sit down as a family and work the “budget” we ALL (only dog gets no say) agree on the budget and then My wife and I each get an equal “allowance”, the rule is that the allowance is free to be spent no questions asked, all the other stuff we agree to categorically: food, entertainment, Christmas, utilities, etc. It is up to her to work within that budget to pay bills. A large portion of that budget is for misc. stuff like groceries and other day to day items. There is a lot of flexibility in that where she could choose a variety of different items at a variety of different prices. Such as serloin vs filet vs hamburger. The budget supports getting better than serloin on a typical night but not filet every night. It was her responsibility to do the give and take and if the water bill comes in high, buy cheeper, and if the next months water bill is lower, buy better food. If there is an unavoidable expense, out of the ordinary, we are supposed to discuss it.

 

[flyingfish]

I obviously don’tant to get into dollar values here and will try to phrase things in relative terms.

I only put enough into savings to get the 401 K matching.

Every so often we sit down as a family and work the “budget” we ALL (only dog gets no say) agree on the budget and then My wife and I each get an equal “allowance”, the rule is that the allowance is free to be spent no questions asked, all the other stuff we agree to categorically: food, entertainment, Christmas, utilities, etc. It is up to her to work within that budget to pay bills. A large portion of that budget is for misc. stuff like groceries and other day to day items. There is a lot of flexibility in that where she could choose a variety of different items at a variety of different prices. Such as serloin vs filet vs hamburger. The budget supports getting better than serloin on a typical night but not filet every night. It was her responsibility to do the give and take and if the water bill comes in high, buy cheeper, and if the next months water bill is lower, buy better food. If there is an unavoidable expense, out of the ordinary, we are supposed to discuss it.

Does she ever tell you why she overspends? Do you ever ask her outside the context of an argument?

 

[St_Francis]

I obviously don’tant to get into dollar values here and will try to phrase things in relative terms.

I only put enough into savings to get the 401 K matching.

Every so often we sit down as a family and work the “budget” we ALL (only dog gets no say) agree on the budget and then My wife and I each get an equal “allowance”, the rule is that the allowance is free to be spent no questions asked, all the other stuff we agree to categorically: food, entertainment, Christmas, utilities, etc. It is up to her to work within that budget to pay bills. A large portion of that budget is for misc. stuff like groceries and other day to day items. There is a lot of flexibility in that where she could choose a variety of different items at a variety of different prices. Such as serloin vs filet vs hamburger. The budget supports getting better than serloin on a typical night but not filet every night. It was her responsibility to do the give and take and if the water bill comes in high, buy cheeper, and if the next months water bill is lower, buy better food. If there is an unavoidable expense, out of the ordinary, we are supposed to discuss it.

Could it be that you need to go over the budget more often than “every so often”? And maybe keep the children out of it? I mean, then it sounds like it might become like she’s just another one of the children. I really think this should all be between you and her.

If you two go over the budget once a month, and then each week go over how it’s going, then maybe that will clarify the difficult areas. If, for instance, you decide at the beginning of the month that since the car insurance bill comes in that month and so clothes shopping should be put off til the following month and then two weeks later you see that she has bought some clothes, you can immediately say, we’ll need to eat hamburgar for a couple of extra nights next week.

Alternatively, why do y’all even have credit cards? Tear them up and get a debit card for your checking account for online purchases.

I have in the past done two things to keep spending more on track: 1. put off purchases til the following payday, 2. Each week, take out a certain amount and only use cash to buy things.

The first one I did when I was just out of college and waiting tables. Oh, man, for the first time I had money in the bank; I saved so much by doing that that when my car broke down, I could go out and buy another (used) one The second one I have done from time to time as a result of having waited tables and living on the cash–you just get a better idea of what’s on hand when you look in your purse and see only $15 left.

It does sound like you have tried to keep everything fair and aboveboard, but if you try either of these, you *both *need to do it.

And get rid of the credit cards! How much credit do you need, anyway?

 

[flyingfish]

Do you think your wife would be up to the task of making the final decisions on the budget? Maybe she thinks you have too much power in the group discussion, and are making all the choices.

Maybe if she made the budget for the entire family, decided on allowances and so on (but still had to work within the family income) she would be more likely to stick to it because it was her own design?

 

[chevalier]

At times I wonder if it is just out of pure boredom. eg nothing to do so might as well go to the store as an excuse to get out of the house.

Generally, it does seem a bit like that–boredom or being pushed to a child’s role. This and what people talk about, the compensational nature of shopping. I’d wonder about purchases such as toys or games when it should be obvious bills will end up unpaid. The situation needs attention, but at the same time I wonder what makes her make those choices and maybe in her mind, she’s making it easier on the children or being a good mother or shielding them from stress or worry? Talking about it might be difficult.

 

[whatevergirl]

She goes to church more as an obligatory / cultural thing . She shows no interest in religion or prayer.

*Well–there you go…get her and you more on the same page regarding spritual life. Until I started lifting up my shopping habits to God, I think I’d still be turning to it as an escape from stress. (and maybe in her case, a way to cope with some mundane everyday life stuff) I think if you started maybe praying the Rosary together…maybe entering into a Bible study…together…it might help her to not think of the whole spending issue as merely secular, but rather than God has a major say in how we spend our money. There are so many Biblical references to stewardship, etc it’s amazing. So, He definitely cares how we spend our money…I would try to build on that in the family with her, because then she might change her ways with a little less urging from you. I have been where she is…I remember my husband being relentless about it…’‘we need to be on a budget’’ over and over, was the mantra. It doesn’t really work if something else is driving her purchasing…and over spending. It just probably makes her feel like a child…and I know that is not your intent, but that ends up being the result just the same.

Just my two cents. Hope that things get better. *

 

[ahollars]

Oh yes, I go on strike a few times each year for different reasons.

Contrary to popular opinion, cutting a spouse from the family budget is never a bad idea. You should not look at it as a slippery slope. If anything, you are doing your duty as head of the household in maintaining a living standard. Tell her parents everything that you are going through, because she will go to them when she wants to complain. You’re job will be easier if they know the complete story.

Cut her off completely from your paycheck. Let her credit rating go down. If you do not live in a joint property state, then she is on her own. If you do live in one, then yes you can shut off her credit cards. Do not let her report your paycheck as a source of income. This is fraud, and you can alert her credit companies to that as well. They will never admit this, but they cannot sue you if she doesn’t pay. If you can afford it, file a married-separate tax return. You won’t get much of a refund, but it gets you off the hook if the whole thing would be to pay bills anyways.

You married her for richer or poorer, and remind her that she married you as well. That does not mean you should accept being poor if it was preventable. You can do all of this without even mentioning religion, and if she digs in and wants to walk away, the odds of you getting the kids are better than hers. My wife was raised by her father for similar reasons. Besides, I think it’s a bluff. She’s not going anywhere. It’s not that simple.

Also, be prepared to be celibate for awhile. Pretend it doesn’t bother you, even if it does. After two months, she will start to bug you. While your at it, start exercising and get in shape, just to torture her. If she hasn’t learned, tell her she would be more attractive if she acted like an adult.

I cut up all my wife’s credit cards when we got married, and I told her I didn’t care if she called her Dad. She did. He took my side. Her loss, not mine. Show her you mean business, and you guys will be just fine.

There. I said it. Ladies, fire away.

 

[Norseman82]

 

[royal_archer]

Does she ever tell you why she overspends? Do you ever ask her outside the context of an argument?

The only cases I can remember are when she said something because she needed me to get her more money to fix the jam.

 

[Pug]

Oh yes, I go on strike a few times each year for different reasons.

Contrary to popular opinion, cutting a spouse from the family budget is never a bad idea…

Well, you make me appreciate my husband a bit more.

 

[royal_archer]

Could it be that you need to go over the budget more often than “every so often”? And maybe keep the children out of it? I mean, then it sounds like it might become like she’s just another one of the children. I really think this should all be between you and her.

If you two go over the budget once a month, and then each week go over how it’s going, then maybe that will clarify the difficult areas. If, for instance, you decide at the beginning of the month that since the car insurance bill comes in that month and so clothes shopping should be put off til the following month and then two weeks later you see that she has bought some clothes, you can immediately say, we’ll need to eat hamburgar for a couple of extra nights next week.

Alternatively, why do y’all even have credit cards? Tear them up and get a debit card for your checking account for online purchases.

I have in the past done two things to keep spending more on track: 1. put off purchases til the following payday, 2. Each week, take out a certain amount and only use cash to buy things.

The first one I did when I was just out of college and waiting tables. Oh, man, for the first time I had money in the bank; I saved so much by doing that that when my car broke down, I could go out and buy another (used) one The second one I have done from time to time as a result of having waited tables and living on the cash–you just get a better idea of what’s on hand when you look in your purse and see only $15 left.

It does sound like you have tried to keep everything fair and aboveboard, but if you try either of these, you *both *need to do it.

And get rid of the credit cards! How much credit do you need, anyway?

Going over the budget usually turns into a fight. So I don’t do it more often. I’d love to do it every payday (with graphs, spreadsheets, and probability curves in other words I admit I have some flaws)

I normally go over it with her a few times before we bring in the kids for the final look. I want the kids to understand why there are limitations on how much we buy.

We are now converting to gift cards and buying a fixed number every payday to allow for the grocery incidental budget. we are also buying few cards for other stores and restaurants. We wanted to do that for a while but never had enough cash to make the upfront purchase. The tax refund helped break the cycle. and allowed us to buy the first set.

I have no idea how to stop the banks from giving her credit cards.

 

[royal_archer]

Do you think your wife would be up to the task of making the final decisions on the budget? Maybe she thinks you have too much power in the group discussion, and are making all the choices.

Maybe if she made the budget for the entire family, decided on allowances and so on (but still had to work within the family income) she would be more likely to stick to it because it was her own design?

Well I don’t understand how she gets mad when the numbers just don’t add up. But I can see where attitude may be playing a factor. This last itteration, I asked her if she would do it and we could discuss it after I got home and got dinner. She didn’t. I think she feels insulted that I feel we need a budget.

 

[LilyElain]

Well I don’t understand how she gets mad when the numbers just don’t add up. But I can see where attitude may be playing a factor. This last itteration, I asked her if she would do it and we could discuss it after I got home and got dinner. She didn’t. I think she feels insulted that I feel we need a budget.

I wonder if she may actually feel ashamed, leading to her anger…which may not be at you per-say. She may actually be upset because she knows what she is doing really, and feels like she is hurting you and the family, so she is more ashamed.
Maybe just continue to gently approach her and try and communicate that this is for her as well as you and the children, and that you WANT to work together…Just my opinion though…