How can a husband go on strike?

[royal_archer]

Generally, it does seem a bit like that–boredom or being pushed to a child’s role. This and what people talk about, the compensational nature of shopping. I’d wonder about purchases such as toys or games when it should be obvious bills will end up unpaid. The situation needs attention, but at the same time I wonder what makes her make those choices and maybe in her mind, she’s making it easier on the children or being a good mother or shielding them from stress or worry? Talking about it might be difficult.

She has a different perspective on finances. When we met her credit cards had high balances and one of our agreed to conditions prior to the wedding date was to enter the relationship with no unsecured debt. I paid off those credit cards for her and at the time didn’t think far enough ahead to realize it would be a chronic problem.

Untill recently I had been getting good raises every year. This year I am making less than last year with increased insurance. So fixing the problem with pay raises is not as much of an option any more.

 

[royal_archer]

Oh yes, I go on strike a few times each year for different reasons.

Contrary to popular opinion, cutting a spouse from the family budget is never a bad idea. You should not look at it as a slippery slope. If anything, you are doing your duty as head of the household in maintaining a living standard. Tell her parents everything that you are going through, because she will go to them when she wants to complain. You’re job will be easier if they know the complete story.

Cut her off completely from your paycheck. Let her credit rating go down. If you do not live in a joint property state, then she is on her own. If you do live in one, then yes you can shut off her credit cards. Do not let her report your paycheck as a source of income. This is fraud, and you can alert her credit companies to that as well. They will never admit this, but they cannot sue you if she doesn’t pay. If you can afford it, file a married-separate tax return. You won’t get much of a refund, but it gets you off the hook if the whole thing would be to pay bills anyways.

You married her for richer or poorer, and remind her that she married you as well. That does not mean you should accept being poor if it was preventable. You can do all of this without even mentioning religion, and if she digs in and wants to walk away, the odds of you getting the kids are better than hers. My wife was raised by her father for similar reasons. Besides, I think it’s a bluff. She’s not going anywhere. It’s not that simple.

Also, be prepared to be celibate for awhile. Pretend it doesn’t bother you, even if it does. After two months, she will start to bug you. While your at it, start exercising and get in shape, just to torture her. If she hasn’t learned, tell her she would be more attractive if she acted like an adult.

I cut up all my wife’s credit cards when we got married, and I told her I didn’t care if she called her Dad. She did. He took my side. Her loss, not mine. Show her you mean business, and you guys will be just fine.

There. I said it. Ladies, fire away.

Her parrents passed on. I am not ready for the “nuclear” option.

Finances are just a small part of the problem. Idon’t know why everyone latched on to that but finances are actuall one of the smaller issues. It is also maintaining the house, a pleseat household to come home to, etc. Celebacy gets easier to tollerate with time especially after several years.

 

[royal_archer]

I wonder if she may actually feel ashamed, leading to her anger…which may not be at you per-say. She may actually be upset because she knows what she is doing really, and feels like she is hurting you and the family, so she is more ashamed.
Maybe just continue to gently approach her and try and communicate that this is for her as well as you and the children, and that you WANT to work together…Just my opinion though…

There is no doubt she is ashamed although that word may be strong. But not enough to do something about it.

 

[whatevergirl]

Well, you make me appreciate my husband a bit more.

Yep.

 

[whatevergirl]

*royalarcher…I think when couples have serious money issues, there are other things at hand to deal with. Especially when one spouse is out of control with spending. I will be praying for you and your wife to get on the same page, and for things to get much better. God bless … *

 

[royal_archer]

*royalarcher…I think when couples have serious money issues, there are other things at hand to deal with. Especially when one spouse is out of control with spending. I will be praying for you and your wife to get on the same page, and for things to get much better. God bless … *

thank you

 

[Podo2005]

*Don’t go on strike …talk to your wife. That’s where the problem lies, you need to communicate through this problem. A strike won’t solve it, it will only make determined feet more planted. It isn’t easy to communicate difficult issues sometimes, but you HAVE to…to grow and make things better. Strikes only make things worse. And besides, she’s not your employer and you’re a disgruntled employee…lol So, maybe go out for a nice dinner, and bridge the topic with her. Dinner out takes defenses down. *

I agree

 

[dulcissima]

Royal Archer, she sounds mad. It might help to think of what she is doing with all of this spending as a symptom of the problem, rather than the problem. The same with everything else that doesn’t get done.

It could be that she is passive aggressive and this is the only way that she has to control you.

It could be that she feels like she has no control over her life.

She could be mad at you for some reason, and this is how she is demonstrating it.

It could be that she was hurt, by someone in particular or by her childhood, and this is how she is acting out.

It does sound though like a lot of her purchases are geared towards the kids and she takes the easy route to pleasing them, rather than actually talking to them, or to figure out what boundaries she should be setting with them.

Do your kids tend to walk all over her?

 

[royal_archer]

Royal Archer, she sounds mad. It might help to think of what she is doing with all of this spending as a symptom of the problem, rather than the problem. The same with everything else that doesn’t get done.

It could be that she is passive aggressive and this is the only way that she has to control you.

It could be that she feels like she has no control over her life.

She could be mad at you for some reason, and this is how she is demonstrating it.

It could be that she was hurt, by someone in particular or by her childhood, and this is how she is acting out.

It does sound though like a lot of her purchases are geared towards the kids and she takes the easy route to pleasing them, rather than actually talking to them, or to figure out what boundaries she should be setting with them.

Do your kids tend to walk all over her?

While we tend to disagree on the strictness and consistency of discipline she has done a good job as care giver for them. The only problem with that is the kids are growning up and we do not need a full time mom any more. as less and less energy was needed for the kids, the energy did not get put back into the house, the relationship, a job, or even volunteering. It is spent in watching tv or playing games.

 

[royal_archer]

I agree

Since over a decade of communicating and counceling has not solved the problem, what would you suggest>

 

[dulcissima]

While we tend to disagree on the strictness and consistency of discipline she has done a good job as care giver for them. The only problem with that is the kids are growning up and we do not need a full time mom any more. as less and less energy was needed for the kids, the energy did not get put back into the house, the relationship, a job, or even volunteering. It is spent in watching tv or playing games.

What I was wanting to know is if your children will listen to her and give her respect. If she tells a child to go and unload the dishwasher, will that child go and do it? If she comes home with a car full of groceries, do they come out to help her carry them in. Are they respectful when they talk to her or do they mock her or pester her forever to do what they want?

 

[flyingfish]

Since over a decade of communicating and counceling has not solved the problem, what would you suggest>

Maybe you just need to accept that your wife will never change and try to work around it?

What if you made a separate account that was strictly for paying bills, so that bills would get paid on time and took over paying bills on your own while she would have access to the other account for day-to-day spending? Do you think that would create more tension in the marriage?

You said that in the end you are still making ends meet, so maybe it’s not so bad? Maybe you need to work on yourself and your reaction to her so that you will not be angry/stressed/unhappy?

I am guessing your ultimate goal is a happy marriage, maybe change yourself in a way that would help you more and focus on improving the loving relationship with your wife even if she is not the woman you want her to be.

It just doesn’t seem like you have many alternatives, you have to either accept her as she is and live with her or make preparations to divorce, because continued arguments and unhappiness would carry you there. If 10 years of counselling didn’t change the way your wife spends money, hard to imagine that anything on this earth will. Might as well make the best of what you have instead of trying to get something that you will never have.

 

[dulcissima]

Has your wife had individual counseling? A counselor she could go to that you would not talk to?

 

[royal_archer]

What I was wanting to know is if your children will listen to her and give her respect. If she tells a child to go and unload the dishwasher, will that child go and do it? If she comes home with a car full of groceries, do they come out to help her carry them in. Are they respectful when they talk to her or do they mock her or pester her forever to do what they want?

Not perfect but not a significant issue.

 

[royal_archer]

Maybe you just need to accept that your wife will never change and try to work around it?

Yes that is the stage I am on the threshold of. But at this point I would like to try the “Hail Mary pass” options and go through every possible attempt to bring her back before giving up.

What if you made a separate account that was strictly for paying bills, so that bills would get paid on time and took over paying bills on your own while she would have access to the other account for day-to-day spending? Do you think that would create more tension in the marriage?

Yes, it would create more tension. But it would not resolve the other issues.

You said that in the end you are still making ends meet, so maybe it’s not so bad? Maybe you need to work on yourself and your reaction to her so that you will not be angry/stressed/unhappy?

We have dodged bullets. God has blessed us with unexpected money comming in right when it was needed but I do not want to keep testing him. We have to make every effort to live responsible lives and live withing the blessings He has given us.

Now if it were mearly a loving wife who took care of the home but had a “shoe addiction” or other wise had a problem with money, things would be easy/ great. It is when it is a non loving wife who destroys what is provided and demands that all around her serve her needs.

I am guessing your ultimate goal is a happy marriage, maybe change yourself in a way that would help you more and focus on improving the loving relationship with your wife even if she is not the woman you want her to be.

It is not a matter of having high expectations. High desires, but relatively low expectations. There is a far spectrum between what I want her to be and what I need her to be. My long term fantasy would be a happy marriage, but my short term goal is a stable decent home.

It just doesn’t seem like you have many alternatives, you have to either accept her as she is and live with her or make preparations to divorce, because continued arguments and unhappiness would carry you there. If 10 years of counselling didn’t change the way your wife spends money, hard to imagine that anything on this earth will. Might as well make the best of what you have instead of trying to get something that you will never have.

I don’t believe in “Divorce” I have a commitment to support her regardless of her actions. That is why I am here, to look for ways to make the best of what I have.

 

[royal_archer]

Has your wife had individual counseling? A counselor she could go to that you would not talk to?

yes, several.

 

[LongingForLight]

The only problem with that is the kids are growning up and we do not need a full time mom any more. as less and less energy was needed for the kids, the energy did not get put back into the house, the relationship, a job, or even volunteering. It is spent in watching tv or playing games.

I’ve been looking for a clue in this thread, and I think this paragraph may be it.

Could your wife be mildly depressed, as the role she has put so much energy into in the past has become less valuable? Could she be feeling like she, as a person, is also less valuable?

I know a lot of women become emotionally vulnerable as their children grow up. And my husband often has struggled with a tendancy towards depression. The red flag, to me, as the wife of a man who struggles with depression (in other words - not medical advice) is that she isn’t putting energy into anything. Depression seems to happen as a slow spiral: A person feels less valuable, and feels sad, which leaves them with less energy. Because they have less energy, they do less and accomplish less - possibly frustrating those around them into complaining. Because they accomplish less and perhaps are complained about, they feel less valuable, less capable . . . and it leaves them with less energy.

If that person also associates spending money (for themselves, for the kids) with personal value, then spending can help them feel better.

You also mentioned her choice of words when you discuss things as being statements like, "“Aren’t the kids allowed to have toys?” That sounds passive-aggressive, and passive-agression is a tactic used when a person feels defensive - because they feel like they’ve done something wrong or failed. Often this is a pervasive but vague thing, IME.

Again, I’m no expert. But you might want to approach this from the angle of, “How can I help my wife feel more valuable?” This doesn’t mean you have to stop talking with her about the budget or other issues you have and working through them in any ways that seem productive. But you might want to add onto everything else that you are doing some efforts to just make her feel special and important.

Everyone finds different things make them feel valuable. The book “The Five Love Languages” is a great resource for figuring out what might help your wife feel loved and valuable.

If you don’t get around to reading the book right away, here is one idea from it that you might want to try until you do get a chance to read it: Since your wife likes spending, maybe getting things helps her feel loved and valued. The fact that she wants to give things to your children (toys, clothes) also hints that her love language might be “gifts”, or at least that this is one way she shows and receives love (it still may not be her main language, but it sounds like she can speak it). When was the last time you gave your wife a gift? You might want to try giving your wife a gift every day for a week, then go to giving her a gift every week. Gifts can be homemade cards, hand-picked flowers, a nice beverage from a coffee stand on your way home from work, a pizza for dinner for the family - they don’t have to be flashy.

 

[LongingForLight]

Has your wife had individual counseling? A counselor she could go to that you would not talk to?

Have you had individual counseling (royal archer)? I have no reason to think that you “need” counseling from what you’ve written, but I’ve found that counselors can be great for getting advice on communication with people who are using difficult behaviors.

It sounds to me like you are talking, but your wife is having trouble hearing. You might want to hunt around for information on how to talk to people who are feeling defensive. It probably won’t fix your problem on its own, but it might clear some of the rubble from your rocky marriage so you can start seeing what is really going on.

 

[royal_archer]

I’ve been looking for a clue in this thread, and I think this paragraph may be it.

Could your wife be mildly depressed, as the role she has put so much energy into in the past has become less valuable? Could she be feeling like she, as a person, is also less valuable?

She had been treated for depresion in the past and it didn’t help. With out getting into personally identifiable details, she won’t follow medical or coucelors advice and has had several give up on treating her since she was not cooperative.

The slight medical issues were outweighed by the more sever personality issues.

Hence the desire to do something more drastic to force a wake up call.

 

[royal_archer]

Have you had individual counseling (royal archer)? I have no reason to think that you “need” counseling from what you’ve written, but I’ve found that counselors can be great for getting advice on communication with people who are using difficult behaviors.

It sounds to me like you are talking, but your wife is having trouble hearing. You might want to hunt around for information on how to talk to people who are feeling defensive. It probably won’t fix your problem on its own, but it might clear some of the rubble from your rocky marriage so you can start seeing what is really going on.

No, If she were willing to make an effort and we were having trouble dealing with an issue on my part, that would be a consideration but we are far from that point.

As for dealing with the situation, prayer and discussions here have been more than sufficient.