How can a husband go on strike?

[flyingfish]

Yes that is the stage I am on the threshold of. But at this point I would like to try the “Hail Mary pass” options and go through every possible attempt to bring her back before giving up.

I am just guessing here, but maybe if you changed yourself and became the kind of husband your wife wants (probably one who doesn’t argue, doesn’t question her, doesn’t tel her what to do, maybe brings her flowers and takes her out on dates, gets her gifts and so on), your wife would warm up to you and start to care about what you want?

If the relationship in general is good, people try to do things for each other, and are generally sensitive to the needs of their partner. Maybe you need to try that kind of approach as opposed to discussion/argument/counselling which hasn’t worked for the last 10 years.

 

[Pug]

I am just guessing here, but maybe if you changed yourself and became the kind of husband your wife wants (probably one who doesn’t argue, doesn’t question her, doesn’t tel her what to do, maybe brings her flowers and takes her out on dates, gets her gifts and so on), your wife would warm up to you and start to care about what you want?

If the relationship in general is good, people try to do things for each other, and are generally sensitive to the needs of their partner. Maybe you need to try that kind of approach as opposed to discussion/argument/counselling which hasn’t worked for the last 10 years.

Some people are too busy with what is bothering them to have room to seem to care about the person in their life, though. They may care, but other stuff gets in the way. I suppose it depends on what is causing this situation.

In other words, royal archer, it may not be anything you are doing. I’ve been in the situation of it wasn’t anything I was doing, and there was nothing different I could do. It’s no fun to be there. Flyingfish could be right, though. Just because it happened to me doesn’t mean it’s happening to you.

 

[royal_archer]

I am just guessing here, but maybe if you changed yourself and became the kind of husband your wife wants (probably one who doesn’t argue, doesn’t question her, doesn’t tel her what to do, maybe brings her flowers and takes her out on dates, gets her gifts and so on), your wife would warm up to you and start to care about what you want?

If the relationship in general is good, people try to do things for each other, and are generally sensitive to the needs of their partner. Maybe you need to try that kind of approach as opposed to discussion/argument/counselling which hasn’t worked for the last 10 years.

Why are you accusing me of not taking that approach?

 

[flyingfish]

Why are you accusing me of not taking that approach?

I’m not accusing you, I’m just making an inference from the information you gave about your arguments, frequent discussions of budget and so on. You yourself gave an example of your wife snapping at you over your criticisms of her spending, suggesting that she’s fed up with it.

I’m just trying to think of ways that can help you achieve your goal…

 

[royal_archer]

I’m not accusing you, I’m just making an inference from the information you gave about your arguments, frequent discussions of budget and so on. You yourself gave an example of your wife snapping at you over your criticisms of her spending, suggesting that she’s fed up with it.

I’m just trying to think of ways that can help you achieve your goal…

Are you implying she should have free reign to act irresponsibly with the money and no one should bring it to her attention?

That would be just trading one problem for another.

 

[flyingfish]

Are you implying she should have free reign to act irresponsibly with the money and no one should bring it to her attention?

That would be just trading one problem for another.

No, I’m saying that you tried for 10 years to bring it up to her attention, to go to counseling and it hasn’t worked.

I’m saying it’s time for you to try something different, as a suggestion I gave laying off her completely and just focusing on doing nice things for her like dates, gifts and others because in my opinion she would be more likely to want to do something nice for you in return and to care about your feelings.

 

[royal_archer]

No, I’m saying that you tried for 10 years to bring it up to her attention, to go to counseling and it hasn’t worked.

I’m saying it’s time for you to try something different, as a suggestion I gave laying off her completely and just focusing on doing nice things for her like dates, gifts and others because in my opinion she would be more likely to want to do something nice for you in return and to care about your feelings.

I don’t appreciate the insinuation that I have not been doing nice things, taking her on dates, etc.

I believe you are drawing some false conclusions.

 

[flyingfish]

I don’t appreciate the insinuation that I have not been doing nice things, taking her on dates, etc.

I believe you are drawing some false conclusions.

Sigh. I’m really not trying to insult you or suggest you’re a bad person or a bad husband. Your wife clearly has issues if she thinks it’s okay to spend money on fun things to the point where you can’t pay bills.

I’m saying that one way to get people to do what you want them to do, is to be very nice and very loving WHILE AT THE SAME TIME not doing things that they don’t like. You may have been doing nice things, but you were also doing things that she doesn’t like. I’m suggesting you that you stop doing things that tick her off, such as criticizing her purchases or talking about the budget and amp up doing nice things in the hope that it will soften her disposition towards you and make her want to do something nice for you in return.

After talking to your wife about her spending habits and going to counselling you can be sure that your wife knows your preferences. Repeating yourself over and over and over will not win you her affection, if anything it will have the opposite effect.

It’s like that saying that you catch more flies with honey.

 

[royal_archer]

Sigh. I’m really not trying to insult you or suggest you’re a bad person or a bad husband. Your wife clearly has issues if she thinks it’s okay to spend money on fun things to the point where you can’t pay bills.

I’m saying that one way to get people to do what you want them to do, is to be very nice and very loving WHILE AT THE SAME TIME not doing things that they don’t like. You may have been doing nice things, but you were also doing things that she doesn’t like. I’m suggesting you that you stop doing things that tick her off, such as criticizing her purchases or talking about the budget and amp up doing nice things in the hope that it will soften her disposition towards you and make her want to do something nice for you in return.

After talking to your wife about her spending habits and going to counselling you can be sure that your wife knows your preferences. Repeating yourself over and over and over will not win you her affection, if anything it will have the opposite effect.

It’s like that saying that you catch more flies with honey.

Sorry, but ignoring the financial situation and ruining my credit is not a path I am going to pursue.

By the way, I have been much less warm hearted since this latest incident than before. and despite a bit of transition, the being less-nice has seemed to help. I am wondering if I have been too nice to her and need to take charge more.

 

[whatevergirl]

Sorry, but ignoring the financial situation and ruining my credit is not a path I am going to pursue.

By the way, I have been much less warm hearted since this latest incident than before. and despite a bit of transition, the being less-nice has seemed to help. I am wondering if I have been too nice to her and need to take charge more.

*I don’t think it’s a matter of not being nice…I think it’s a matter of you are not ‘‘taking’’ it anymore. You are not letting her do ‘whatever’ financially…and maybe to her, that might not be nice, but to us looking in, it’s you being firm, and trying to make your family’s financial picture a better one. In time, should you stay the course, it hopefully will show her that this too is showing love–not letting someone always get their way. I do hope things get better. *

 

[royal_archer]

*… I do hope things get better. *

Thanks

 

[dulcissima]

Royal Archer, since you mentioned elsewhere, I believe, that it could come to separation with you and your wife, you might want to find out what the financial consequences for you might be. You might find that what is going on pales in comparison to to the financial consequences of divorce.

I haven’t heard a lot going on here other than blame. You seem to think that your wife is solely responsible for the house. Your whole family lives in it. If your children don’t pick up after themselves and leave everything for your wife to do, it can get pretty depressing and it might seem to her like she is on a sinking ship.

As the head of the household, you should be encouraging your children to be responsible and to contribute. What’s more, they probably aren’t going to treat their mother as an authority figure if they see her constantly blamed and put down by their father. The whole house runs better when the children see their parents treat each other with respect and when they see that everyone is contributing.

Also, why don’t you take over bill paying? It just seems like the attitude is one that you go to work, so everything else is her responsibility. If everyone in the house has such and attitude, it’s not long before the person who is getting dumped on feels buried.

 

[flyingfish]

Sorry, but ignoring the financial situation and ruining my credit is not a path I am going to pursue.

But you already said that your wife does what she feels like regardless of what you say, and that she can get credit cards on her own without your (name removed by moderator)ut. How is you telling her she may not buy more things going to help in this event?

By the way, I have been much less warm hearted since this latest incident than before. and despite a bit of transition, the being less-nice has seemed to help. I am wondering if I have been too nice to her and need to take charge more.

It’s really up to you. I would just remind you that you’ve been doing this kind of thing for the past 10 years and it hasn’t worked. If you think that being mean is going to help your marriage you’re crazy. It won’t take your wife long to figure out that she’d be better off getting money from you via alimony and child support since that money won’t come with a mean guy who is on her case all the time.

If your goal is to “win”, you can just go ahead and make a new bank account for the money, cancel all your credit cards and let your wife’s credit card debt be her own. You can tell her to get a job if she doesn’t want creditors coming after her.

 

[Monte_RCMS]

An effective strike is for the husband to tell the wife he is no longer going to handle the money. She will have to pay all the bills. He makes enough. But she will have to do the checkbooks, pay the utilities, mortgage, etc. If she doesn’t, then the lights will go out in a month and the cars will get repossessed.

When the money’s gone, it’s gone.

Husband will drive the paid-for car to work or buy a junker for cash to drive to work.

But if the wife doesn’t do the bills, everything will come to a halt.

It’s up to her.

[By the way, this is not “tough love”. It’s letting her see what is real and what is not. But you can’t bail her out by helping. If she asks questions, she makes all the financial decisions. If the money runs out, you’re on the street. Everybody on the planet has to pay their bills. This is not about a “budget”. It’s about going about the daily decisions of what bills to pay on what day. She may try to play chicken, or she may decide that the sympathy she would get from an inconsiderate husband is worth it. But if SHE actually has control over the money, then she isn’t going to get any sympathy. And she knows it. Read up on “munchausen syndrome”.]

 

[cheese_sdc]

If the wife has only been minimally contributing to the household for years, racking up the credit cards, loosing / not paying bills, spending sprees, etc.

I took away my wife’s debit card and credit card and put her on an all cash budget. And I control the cash.

This was after she spent over 10,000 in a month.

 

[garyr]

Royal Archer, - few questions first . .

what percent of your income do you give to the church/charity?

do you have more than $5000 debt on credit cards?

do you have any funds set aside for children s college?

 

[Em_in_FL]

Royal Archer, since you mentioned elsewhere, I believe, that it could come to separation with you and your wife, you might want to find out what the financial consequences for you might be. You might find that what is going on pales in comparison to to the financial consequences of divorce.

I haven’t heard a lot going on here other than blame. You seem to think that your wife is solely responsible for the house. Your whole family lives in it. If your children don’t pick up after themselves and leave everything for your wife to do, it can get pretty depressing and it might seem to her like she is on a sinking ship.

As the head of the household, you should be encouraging your children to be responsible and to contribute. What’s more, they probably aren’t going to treat their mother as an authority figure if they see her constantly blamed and put down by their father. The whole house runs better when the children see their parents treat each other with respect and when they see that everyone is contributing.

Also, why don’t you take over bill paying? It just seems like the attitude is one that you go to work, so everything else is her responsibility. If everyone in the house has such and attitude, it’s not long before the person who is getting dumped on feels buried.

Coming in late to this thread… I think this post speaks the most to the entire situaiton.

Clearly, something’s wrong. Not with just one of you, it has to be a two-way street. So whether you’re not sharing the entire story (understandable), or may not even comprehend your wife’s situation (also understandable), it’s time to bring the idea of counseling up again. Yes, I know it hasn’t worked in the past, so maybe that’s reason to look for a new counselor. But this is going to take some open and HONEST discussion in order to clean up the issues.

Bring up out-of-the box ideas:
Would she consider a part-time job (maybe while the kids are in school)?
Would you be willing to help more around the house?
Change your schedule - such as go into work earlier and be home to help with dinner, perhaps?..
What about being the faith-leader of the family?
Do you instigate family prayer time?
Do you TALK about faith in your everyday lives?
What about going to daily Mass together?
Be understanding and sympathetic… Start the conversation off with…
“It’s not that your purchaces are unnecessary (acknowlege her needs!), it’s that we don’t have the budget for these items. What can we adjust to make these possible? How can I help? How are you willing to help?”
And then be willing to compromise.
TELL HER you’re willing to compromise. ASK HER to join you in working TOGETHER to compromise to find a decent solution.
TELL HER you LOVE HER!

If you can accomplish this on your own without counseling then that’s the first route… but you have to be willing to compromise some of your lifestyle to adjust the entire family lifestyle to a better place.

God bless you!! I hope things work out…

 

[royal_archer]

Royal Archer, since you mentioned elsewhere, I believe, that it could come to separation with you and your wife, you might want to find out what the financial consequences for you might be. You might find that what is going on pales in comparison to to the financial consequences of divorce.

I haven’t heard a lot going on here other than blame. You seem to think that your wife is solely responsible for the house. Your whole family lives in it. If your children don’t pick up after themselves and leave everything for your wife to do, it can get pretty depressing and it might seem to her like she is on a sinking ship.

As the head of the household, you should be encouraging your children to be responsible and to contribute. What’s more, they probably aren’t going to treat their mother as an authority figure if they see her constantly blamed and put down by their father. The whole house runs better when the children see their parents treat each other with respect and when they see that everyone is contributing.

Also, why don’t you take over bill paying? It just seems like the attitude is one that you go to work, so everything else is her responsibility. If everyone in the house has such and attitude, it’s not long before the person who is getting dumped on feels buried.

I do get on the kids to pick up after themselves but she has frequently overruled me and says I am being to hard on them telling them to clean their rooms and put their laundry away before they play.

I don’t put her down.

When we have guest comming over, a month worth of housework seems to get done in a few days so it is not like she is overwhelmed.

 

[royal_archer]

Royal Archer, - few questions first . .

what percent of your income do you give to the church/charity?

do you have more than $5000 debt on credit cards?

do you have any funds set aside for children s college?

Too many details but the problem is not as imminent with the long term as much as with monthly cash flow. It is the emptying the bank account and not having enough to pay bills and them getting continually paid late.

 

[royal_archer]

Coming in late to this thread… I think this post speaks the most to the entire situaiton.

Clearly, something’s wrong. Not with just one of you, it has to be a two-way street. So whether you’re not sharing the entire story (understandable), or may not even comprehend your wife’s situation (also understandable), it’s time to bring the idea of counseling up again. Yes, I know it hasn’t worked in the past, so maybe that’s reason to look for a new counselor. But this is going to take some open and HONEST discussion in order to clean up the issues.

Bring up out-of-the box ideas:
Would she consider a part-time job (maybe while the kids are in school)?
Would you be willing to help more around the house?
Change your schedule - such as go into work earlier and be home to help with dinner, perhaps?..
What about being the faith-leader of the family?
Do you instigate family prayer time?
Do you TALK about faith in your everyday lives?
What about going to daily Mass together?
Be understanding and sympathetic… Start the conversation off with…
“It’s not that your purchaces are unnecessary (acknowlege her needs!), it’s that we don’t have the budget for these items. What can we adjust to make these possible? How can I help? How are you willing to help?”
And then be willing to compromise.
TELL HER you’re willing to compromise. ASK HER to join you in working TOGETHER to compromise to find a decent solution.
TELL HER you LOVE HER!

If you can accomplish this on your own without counseling then that’s the first route… but you have to be willing to compromise some of your lifestyle to adjust the entire family lifestyle to a better place.

God bless you!! I hope things work out…

Yes, I have been doing those things and more. But as Flying fish keeps pointing out, after 10 years with no results That probably won’t be effective any more effective now.

The last few weeks I have taken the opposite approach and been more abrupt and cold with her and that actually seems to be having a better effect.