How Can I Encourage My Husband to Come Home from Work on Time?

[Xantippe]

Thanks all for the replies.

His bosses do not work in the office with him, so they don’t see that he comes in late, but the people he supervises see him come in late every day and I’m sure that doesn’t help their morale (plus, how does he know then that they’re coming in on time? What do his bosses ask them about him? )

Yeah.

The comment about social media I made one time. I don’t “police” his use, but I do notice that he posts several times throughout the day on his personal account (he does have an account for his job, too). I totally get needing a few minutes now and then to decompress (hello, my CAF habit ), but it is probably cutting into being productive.

Plus, it documents and timestamps the fact that he’s not working at that time. It might be safer to take a real lunch break and do everything that leaves publicly visible records then, rather than run the risk that if there’s some sort of political thing against him, his social media activity will turn into a case against him. (We’ve all seen situations where when there’s a campaign organized against someone, this sort of penny ante stuff turns into a huge big deal. It seems like everybody of any importance eventually gets their own witch hunt.)

I know it’s not my job to worry about his job, but when he tells me he’s worried he might get fired, and he’s the one doing the bulk of the providing for us, I feel like I should be trying to help him not get fired. I am very good at organization and efficiency; he is not, and while his creativity and charisma are really what help him excel at his job the other part needs to be there too (and the fact that it’s not do impede his strengths, too - if you’ve set yourself up to be constantly interrupted and distracted, you’re going to get less done.)

**Yeah.

Is he important enough to have an assistant?

Also, is he delegating properly? He might be so disorganized that that is not happening.
**

BEL: I get you on having your own way of doing things. But several things about the way he is doing things are not helping him. His office being a mess sends out a really bad message to the people he meets with in there (he does usually meet them elsewhere in the building now, which is good. But when he complains that he spent an hour looking for a paper that should have been easily accessed in a file, it’s hard - SO HARD - for me to hold my tongue on it!!! )

Oh, yeah.

A quarterly visit to the office is probably in order.

 

[pensmama87]

Guys (and gals), I really do NOT want to be a nag, but it’s like when I was in school, and the teacher would ask a question. I had already answered 10 questions that day, but nobody else would bother, and after watching a minute slowly tick by I’d finally put my hand up. And the teacher would sigh and say, “Yes, pens-not-yet-a-mama?” And we could finally move ON.

Of course, I was probably enabling my classmates to never answer questions. I definitely suffer from “Oh-my-gosh-can-we-just-fix-it-already-itis.” It is super, super frustrating to feel like there are things my husband could do that would make it easier for him to come home on time, but he either doesn’t care enough to implement any changes or he’s just lost, or both. Right now I’m sitting on my hands trying not to raise them and say, “Pick me! Pick me!” but it’s a pretty serious urge.

 

[pensmama87]

Xantippe: He has an assistant, but he can’t/won’t delegate tasks. He is the only one who can access his office (he does have possession of sensitive material regarding personnel etc, but he does have a locking file cabinet). He has a habit of hanging onto things that should be in the shared spaces, too.

 

[Groo]

The best way to encourage him to come home early, in my opinion, is to just let him be. Support him no matter what his schedule is. When he comes home, be happy to see him whether it’s 4:15pm or 9:15pm. Nothing is more encouraging for a man to come home than a happy, loving wife.

The other side of the coin - nothing is more discouraging than wife who gets on his case. He starts thinking, oh boy, what’s she going to get on me for this time? After a rough day where nothing he does seems to please anybody, the last thing he needs is a dissatisfied wife. The more you press, entice, or manipulate, the less likely he is to come home at a decent hour.

 

[Petaro]

Okay, I like you a lot, pensmama, so I am going to be totally honest with you, and I hope you will take it in a sisterly way as it is intended.

It sounds like you are making everything TOO easy on your husband. You handle everything, cooking and cleaning and childcare. You make it all look so easy and well-handled that your husband has the luxury of saying to himself “I am a smart guy for marrying such a capable woman. She is so capable that she can do it all herself. It doesn’t matter that I am not often home, because she’s got it covered.”

Your husband has no incentive to make more of an effort because you already make it all so perfect and easy for him. My husband was like this when we only had two children, and even made some disparaging remarks about how easy my job is and it really hurt. Well…Then we converted and he wised up to his proper role to cherish his wife and father his children, and we got preggo with baby number three, and he transformed from this oblivious, self-centered man to the best husband I could ever hope for. But I had to put down my “perfect wife and mother” role and just be my honest, vulnerable, imperfect self.

So I would advise you to stop trying so hard to make his evenings perfect. Start asking and expecting his help and his greater involvement. If he balks, which he is likely to do, it might be time for some serious heart-to-heart talks. You are never going to get what you need from him if you don’t insist that he step up and help you and be around more.

Okay, I have said my peace. I hope it works out for you. I think this is a common problem in many marriages. It is easier for a wife and mother to adapt to her new roles and responsibilities, because they literally begin within her own body. For husbands and fathers, the process can be delayed and more difficult, especially when their wives appear to handle everything so gracefully. Then they have no clue just how hard it all is!

To be honest if you take this advice he will never come home.
Some men have an untidy desk because they have all they are working on, on their desks. They like it that way and know where everything is. My desk was my Secretary’s nightmare, but she knew not to touch it or I was lost for days.
Your husband is successful because of, not in spite of his work habits. He is successful because he is overworked.
To expect him to come home to “chores” to train him and a wife who nags him about his own domain will not be as inviting as some women may think.
By all means talk to him about getting to dinner on time out of respect for you and your own schedule with the kids; he may well understand that.
Set out date nights and family outings that cannot be missed. Increase the frequency when he is on side with the idea. Do not manage the Manager.

 

[Xantippe]

To be honest if you take this advice he will never come home.

Petaro, bear in mind that both mommamaree and pensmama are (if I’m reading them correctly), soft, kind, eager-to-please, eager-to-serve women.

Some men have an untidy desk because they have all they are working on, on their desks. They like it that way and know where everything is.

It sounds like that isn’t the case with pensmama’s husband.

My desk was my Secretary’s nightmare, but she knew not to touch it or I was lost for days.
Your husband is successful because of, not in spite of his work habits. He is successful because he is overworked.

**I think that is probably correct.

It’s probably also true, though, that his productivity and responsibility level is putting a natural ceiling on his career.

He can’t do be more productive than he is now, because he is doing everything himself. He doesn’t know how to put the people under him to work and keep them working. **

To expect him to come home to “chores” to train him and a wife who nags him about his own domain will not be as inviting as some women may think.

**Everybody who has a home needs to be prepared to do stuff to take care of that home, even if he works full time. It simply isn’t feasible for everything to be on the wife’s shoulders–childcare, cleaning, laundry, dishes, household maintenance, car maintenance, appointment scheduling, etc. Just the laundry alone for a family of four is a formidable task. Even an SAHM wife can’t do everything. And bear in mind that pensmama is watching two kids in addition two her own two.

How many bachelors have no household responsibilities at all? Why should a married man with a family and a home expect fewer household responsibilities than a single man living by himself?
**

By all means talk to him about getting to dinner on time out of respect for you and your own schedule with the kids; he may well understand that.
Set out date nights and family outings that cannot be missed. Increase the frequency when he is on side with the idea. Do not manage the Manager.

He isn’t managing. That’s the problem.

 

[on_the_hill]

Xantippe: He has an assistant, but he can’t/won’t delegate tasks. He is the only one who can access his office (he does have possession of sensitive material regarding personnel etc, but he does have a locking file cabinet). He has a habit of hanging onto things that should be in the shared spaces, too.

This MUST change.

It took me a while to hand over some of the “trust” to the executive assistant/secretary.

Thankfully, she’s a Type A personality and connives her way into getting things done.

 

[ChurchSoldier]

** I don’t have a ton of time to respond but I did want to say quickly that while both of us came from “intact” homes, neither of our dads were around or helped out much around the house at all **(his dad did shift work and hard labor so he was exhausted all of the time, my dad has some…interesting…ideas about the roles of men and women.) My FIL now does a lot of housework (he took over a lot of it when he retired because my MIL was still working, as she did while my husband was growing up) and he remarked once that he was surprised there was so much involved!

It’s great that my FIL came around, but I’m not willing to wait 30 years.

This is sort of my point. You are trying to manage the symptom of him not being home or helping. What you learned as a child is how to be in relationship with a man who doesn’t help out and works a lot. You chose a man with those same characteristics and now are frustrated by it.

The problem is not his work or organization habits, though they are a problem, the problem is a deeper psychological issue which needs to be dealt with. I suggest marriage conferences because they are a fun way to learn skills you don’t have, particularly communicating with your husband in a way which he can hear. Counseling would be better.

Your posts have shown you have tried everything in your power and knowledge to do. If you had the answer you would have tried it, which means you need to learn something new to resolve the issue. The solution begins with you, not him. He is managing his time exactly how he wants to and has shown your desire to have him home doesn’t register with him. Work on yourself, and let him work on himself. When the pain of not changing becomes greater than the pain of changing, he’ll change. (Same goes for you btw). Conferences and counseling just put tools in the toolbox that become available to use when you or he wants to use them.

The solution for you lies within you.

Good luck.

 

[Book_Worm]

My advice might be useless because my entire career was spent in the corporate world, not the private sector. But anyone who walked out the door at 4:00 p.m. (5:00 in our case) was looked at as a slacker who had no long-term success probability. I knew men who were at their desk at 6:45 a.m. every day and accomplished a great deal more than those who didn’t leave until 6:30 (which seemed to be the unofficial approved quitting time) or 7:00, but complained that wasn’t appreciated. Appearances seemed to be the reality. I knew one VP who went home at 5:00 every night and then came in when his kids went to bed and worked until 11:00 p.m. He made sure the appropriate people got emails he sent late at night.

Your husband has been successful so far so he probably has a good handle on what he needs to do to get ahead. Perhaps a frank conversation about what you both want in his career is in order.

 

[pensmama87]

This MUST change.

It took me a while to hand over some of the “trust” to the executive assistant/secretary.

Thankfully, she’s a Type A personality and connives her way into getting things done.

I agree it has to change. He has advanced as far as he can where he is, and if (hopefully when) he gets another job it is going to be in a bigger place where he manages more people. I don’t see how he can do that successfully when he has trouble delegating now.

 

[pensmama87]

My advice might be useless because my entire career was spent in the corporate world, not the private sector. But anyone who walked out the door at 4:00 p.m. (5:00 in our case) was looked at as a slacker who had no long-term success probability. I knew men who were at their desk at 6:45 a.m. every day and accomplished a great deal more than those who didn’t leave until 6:30 (which seemed to be the unofficial approved quitting time) or 7:00, but complained that wasn’t appreciated. Appearances seemed to be the reality. I knew one VP who went home at 5:00 every night and then came in when his kids went to bed and worked until 11:00 p.m. He made sure the appropriate people got emails he sent late at night.

Your husband has been successful so far so he probably has a good handle on what he needs to do to get ahead. Perhaps a frank conversation about what you both want in his career is in order.

This is, thankfully, not so much the case in his line of work (I remember it with my dad and it was awful). He is assessed on performance. He needs to be available during open office hours, and at the scheduled evening meetings, but other than that it matters much more what he is accomplishing.

He actually chose working in the public sector so he could have more family time over the private sector, where his qualifications would fetch him a much higher salary but he would be expected to put in long hours whether he was actually being productive or not. I was and am fine with that trade off, but IMO if he said that’s what he was going to do he should actually do it.

He’s also been very successful so far, and I really appreciate that, but as Xantippe mentioned earlier in the thread I think his work habits are going to bump him up into a ceiling pretty soon. He’s getting in his own way and his natural talents, while considerable, aren’t going to be enough to keep him going the way he wants to go.

 

[Xantippe]

This is, thankfully, not so much the case in his line of work (I remember it with my dad and it was awful). He is assessed on performance. He needs to be available during open office hours, and at the scheduled evening meetings, but other than that it matters much more what he is accomplishing.

He actually chose working in the public sector so he could have more family time over the private sector, where his qualifications would fetch him a much higher salary but he would be expected to put in long hours whether he was actually being productive or not. I was and am fine with that trade off, but IMO if he said that’s what he was going to do he should actually do it.

He’s also been very successful so far, and I really appreciate that, but as Xantippe mentioned earlier in the thread I think his work habits are going to bump him up into a ceiling pretty soon. He’s getting in his own way and his natural talents, while considerable, aren’t going to be enough to keep him going the way he wants to go.

Two things come to mind:

1. An evaluation for ADHD? A previous poster said they found prescription meds very helpful. Even if that was just for times when he particularly needed to focus, it might be helpful. (I have some qualms about addiction–one of our relatives wound up addicted to adderall–but it might be necessary.)
2. A course on management if available locally? Or if not available, maybe an audiobook for the car? If you could pre-screen some titles and find something with a strong focus on delegation, that could be very helpful.

My family is very entrepreneurial (several of them have 3+ gigs at any one time–my sister has three different businesses), and one of the business slogans that my dad likes is the idea that at some point, you need to work ON the business, rather than IN the business. (Come to think of it, Dave Ramsey quotes that a bunch.) A book that talks about that principle might be helpful, even in a public sector job.

Here’s an article with a brief summary of what that expression means:

entrepreneur.com/article/205742

Best wishes!

 

[phillylawyer]

Oh boy.

I love you Pensmama, but I can’t get behind you on this one. You know how your day is really stressful, complicated, and you have a lot of little things to do that you need to make sure are done? So does he. You know how you have your own routine, your own way of doing things, and little breaks for yourself built into your day so you don’t lose your mind? So does he. Honestly, I would be more than a little resentful if my husband didn’t like the hours I was working and tried to micromanage my workday down to when I’m allowed to use social media. And I would be humiliated if he decided to clean up my office (which is a disaster-but some people, myself included, prefer it that way). And there are definitely days where I choose to work late and take it a bit easier during the day.

It doesn’t sound like he’s coming home late at night all the time, or that he’s out partying with friends or other women. It just sounds like he has his day worked out, and getting home 30-60 minutes earlier just isn’t worth rushing through his day, getting up earlier, and cutting out his little “me time” breaks.

Maybe a compromise is in order? Maybe on his busiest day of the week, or during his busiest week of the month, you could cut him a break and let him handle things as he sees fit-no nagging? But the rest of the time he can get up 30 minutes earlier in the morning? You probably won’t win the social media or organization argument, but you might be able to get him out the door sooner.

From a man’s perspective, I have to agree with BlueEyedLady on this one. If I was working hard, providing for the family and trying my best to manage a job, and my wife tried to micromanage how efficient I was while at work and when or if I took breaks, it would be offensive and I would get defensive about it.

If one spouse is at work for a certain amount of time (regardless of what the “official” hours are) and says that is how long it takes him to do a good job, I don’t think it can possibly be helpful for a relationship for the other spouse to ask him about how he spends his day, how efficient he is, how much he uses his executive assistant, etc.

It certainly would be appropriate for a spouse to say, “You know, I appreciate how hard you work for our family and I know your work is stressful. Is there any flexibility about getting home a little earlier on certain days? It would really help our family life if you had some flexibility at work to get home a little earlier.”

Don’t imply that he is inefficient or suggest way to be more efficient. Just bring up your needs and requests and ask him about how he can manage his work schedule to help respond to your needs.

Just making that request for the spouse, and leaving it up to the other spouse if it would be possible to get home from work earlier and how to manage his time at work to make that happen. But, actually micromanaging suggestions about how to be more efficient at work (unless such advice is specifically requested) would NOT be received well by most husbands (and, I suspect, most wives).

 

[pensmama87]

From a man’s perspective, I have to agree with BlueEyedLady on this one. If I was working hard, providing for the family and trying my best to manage a job, and my wife tried to micromanage how efficient I was while at work and when or if I took breaks, it would be offensive and I would get defensive about it.

If one spouse is at work for a certain amount of time (regardless of what the “official” hours are) and says that is how long it takes him to do a good job, I don’t think it can possibly be helpful for a relationship for the other spouse to as him about how he spends his day, how efficient he is, how much he uses his executive assistant, etc.

It certainly would be appropriate for a spouse to say, “You know, I appreciate how hard you work for our family and I know your work is stressful, is there any flexibility about getting home a little earlier on certain days. It would really help our family life if you had some flexibility at work to get home a little earlier.” Just making that request for the spouse, and leaving it up to the other spouse if it would be possible to get home from work earlier and how to manage his time at work to make that happen. But, actually micromanaging suggestions about how to be more efficient at work (unless such advice is specifically requested) would NOT be received well by most husbands (and, I suggest, most wives).

As I clarified further in the thread, most of this I have never said to him, and I’ve only made brief suggestions regarding his social media use and constant tardiness to work. I am not micromanaging or nagging. Until I posted this thread, these thoughts about how he could make improvements were all in my head.

I guess I feel like I’m in an unwinnable situation. He chose a job with lower earning potential so he could be home more. He is not home more because his weaknesses are starting to get in the way of his job performance, apparently to a severe enough degree that he is concerned he might lose his job (I really don’t think it’s a major issue now, but I do think he needs to figure out a way to improve - if his bosses find out he’s late almost every day he is probably in for it). The things that are impeding his performance are actually things I am really, really good at.

The thing is, if he loses the ability to provide for his family, we ALL suffer. So I know a few things he can do to make his job run more smoothly and for him to be less stressed and he could actually keep the hours he’s supposed to have. Why shouldn’t I help if I can?

Darned if I’ll sit here and say, “Oh honey, that stinks,” and offer nothing while he flounders.

 

[pensmama87]

I found on my Kindle app today that I actually have downloaded several free ebooks on increasing productivity and time management. It’d be cool if he’d read a few - there’s one that’s very short that I think would actually suit his personality pretty well, but I have no idea how to ask him to read it.

I’m going to reiterate for about the thousandth time (it feels like) that I haven’t said much of anything about this to him because I fear being called a nag, or being accused of micromanaging, etc…basically everything that has been said to me on the thread. But the reality is that his work life has the power to drastically affect our home life. If he comes home late every day and is bewildered why “emergencies” keep cropping up that are not actual emergencies, but are really just the result of poor time management, it’s going to tick me off.

I will be honest. I would probably feel a lot differently if he was working hours like this but making a heck of a lot more money. For one thing, I wouldn’t have extra kids in my home, and I’d probably still have money enough to pay for services that I currently do myself. But he deliberately chose a public job so he could be home. I try really hard to make home a pleasant place to be. But he’s not, and there are things he could do to make it happen that he’s just. not. doing.

 

[Groo]

How do you know your husband will be in for it if he comes in late? Most places I have worked are pretty flexible regarding hours, especially for professional positions.

 

[phillylawyer]

As I clarified further in the thread, most of this I have never said to him, and I’ve only made brief suggestions regarding his social media use and constant tardiness to work. I am not micromanaging or nagging. Until I posted this thread, these thoughts about how he could make improvements were all in my head.

I guess I feel like I’m in an unwinnable situation. He chose a job with lower earning potential so he could be home more. He is not home more because his weaknesses are starting to get in the way of his job performance, apparently to a severe enough degree that he is concerned he might lose his job (I really don’t think it’s a major issue now, but I do think he needs to figure out a way to improve - if his bosses find out he’s late almost every day he is probably in for it). The things that are impeding his performance are actually things I am really, really good at.

The thing is, if he loses the ability to provide for his family, we ALL suffer. So I know a few things he can do to make his job run more smoothly and for him to be less stressed and he could actually keep the hours he’s supposed to have. Why shouldn’t I help if I can?

Darned if I’ll sit here and say, “Oh honey, that stinks,” and offer nothing while he flounders.

I know. I didn’t mean to imply that you had said these things to your husband. I was just pointing out that, if you were asking for advice whether it would be a good idea, I think it probably wouldn’t be.

I understand that you are in a difficult situation and of course how efficient your husband is at work will affect you and your family. When we get married, almost everything about our spouse and his/her habits effect the us - from our spouse’s prayer life/holiness, to the spouse’s responsibility, to their work habits, to their health and eating habits, etc. Marriage is such an intimate and complete giving to each other that it’s hard to think of much of any aspect of my life that does not affect my wife (and vice versa).

But, even though almost every area of a spouse’s life affects the other spouse, in my opinion, that doesn’t mean that it is best or appropriate for that spouse to volunteer and make “suggestions” on how to be better at certain parts of his/her life, unless specifically asked for advice. There has to be a certain amount of trust and respect of the other person’s agency and individuality, even within marriage, to not do that. It is certainly appropriate to say, “Honey. My needs are X. And it would be really helpful if you could find a way to meet those needs X. Can we figure out a way to do so.” I don’t think it would be helpful to say, “My needs are X. I notice that you would be able to meet these needs if you made changes to A, B, and C of your life. Let me give you advice on how to do so.”

For example, the health and fitness of one spouse certainly has effects on the well-being of the other. It affects how much energy they have, how interested in sex they are, how happy they are, etc. However, I don’t think it would helpful for one spouse to say to the other, “Honey. The fact that you are eating unhealthily and not exercising and are overweight is having a negative effect on me. I am in really good shape. Let me give you some tips on eating more healthy and exercising more so you can get in better shape and lose some of that weight. Doing so would have a positive influence on me.” I just don’t think is appropriate for one spouse to say to the other in that way.

Similarly with the job thing, I don’t think specific instructions about changes to be made to be a better worker (without being asked) will usually go over well. I would be curious to hear what the opinion of other men is; but I suspect if you ask most men, they would agree.

I think your concerns about family time and your needs and your family needs are certainly valid and should definitely be expressed in a supportive way. But, the focus should be on your (and your family needs) and asking about ways that you can work together to get both of your needs met, and not starting out the conversation with, “I have figured out how you can make changes to your life, to meet my needs and make your life better too!” Even if you are right (which I have no doubt you are), it doesn’t seem like a recipe for success. This is just my two cents, though, and maybe other people will disagree with me.

My intention was not to criticize you or dismiss what a difficult situation it was. I am just trying to give a little perspective on how such an approach may be taken (especially from a man’s point of view) and how there may be more beneficial ways to discuss your concerns.

God bless you and your family!

 

[pensmama87]

How do you know your husband will be in for it if he comes in late? Most places I have worked are pretty flexible regarding hours, especially for professional positions.

Because his office is open to the public starting at 8. The people he supervises are supposed to be there at 8 to serve the public, as is he. He has no guarantee that any of the people he supervises are there at 8 beyond their say-so (though I suppose he or someone else could review the security tapes - which they could also do for him - to see when they are actually arriving).

If a person wants to make a complaint about him, they can - to the elected officials who are his bosses. An elected official who wants to make voters happy is going to listen to the comments of the public. He has had complaints made against him before, but he has integrity and his bosses are pretty reasonable people, and thankfully his method of documentation for these complaints is thorough enough. But a person coming in and saying, “You know, I’ve been wanting to talk to Mr. Pensmama, which I can only do first thing in the morning, but he’s never here. What kind of place are you running?” is NOT going to look good.

Politics are nasty, even small-time politics.

 

[on_the_hill]

From a man’s perspective, I have to agree with BlueEyedLady on this one. If I was working hard, providing for the family and trying my best to manage a job, and my wife tried to micromanage how efficient I was while at work and when or if I took breaks, it would be offensive and I would get defensive about it.

Except it seems like his trouble with managing his home life is a consequence of trouble managing his work life.

 

[pensmama87]

I know. I didn’t mean to imply that you had said these things to your husband. I was just pointing out that, if you were asking for advice whether it would be a good idea, I think it probably wouldn’t be.

I understand that you are in a difficult situation and of course how efficient your husband is at work will affect you and your family. When we get married, almost everything about our spouse and his/her habits effect the us - from our spouse’s prayer life/holiness, to the spouse’s responsibility, to their work habits, to their health and eating habits, etc. Marriage is such an intimate and complete giving to each other that it’s hard to think of much of any aspect of my life that does not affect my wife (and vice versa).

But, even though almost every area of a spouse’s life affects the other spouse, in my opinion, that doesn’t mean that it is best or appropriate for that spouse to volunteer and make “suggestions” on how to be better at certain parts of his/her life, unless specifically asked for advice. There has to be a certain amount of trust and respect of the other person’s agency and individuality, even within marriage, to not do that. It is certainly appropriate to say, “Honey. My needs are X. And it would be really helpful if you could find a way to meet those needs X. Can we figure out a way to do so.” I don’t think it would be helpful to say, “My needs are X. I notice that you would be able to meet these needs if you made changes to A, B, and C of your life. Let me give you advice on how to do so.”

For example, the health and fitness of one spouse certainly has effects on the well-being of the other. It affects how much energy they have, how interested in sex they are, how happy they are, etc. However, I don’t think it would helpful for one spouse to say to the other, “Honey. The fact that you are eating unhealthily and not exercising and are overweight is having a negative effect on me. I am in really good shape. Let me give you some tips on eating more healthy and exercising more so you can get in better shape and lose some of that weight. Doing so would have a positive influence on me.” I just don’t think is appropriate for one spouse to say to the other in that way.

Similarly with the job thing, I don’t think specific instructions about changes to be made to be a better worker (without being asked) will usually go over well. I would be curious to hear what the opinion of other men is; but I suspect if you ask most men, they would agree.

I think your concerns about family time and your needs and your family needs are certainly valid and should definitely be expressed in a supportive way. But, the focus should be on your (and your family needs) and asking about ways that you can work together to get both of your needs met, and not starting out the conversation with, “I have figured out how you can make changes to your life, to meet my needs and make your life better too!” Even if you are right (which I have no doubt you are), it doesn’t seem like a recipe for success. This is just my two cents, though, and maybe other people will disagree with me.

My intention was not to criticize you or dismiss what a difficult situation it was. I am just trying to give a little perspective on how such an approach may be taken (especially from a man’s point of view) and **how there may be more beneficial ways to discuss your concerns. **

God bless you and your family!

Thank you.

The bolded is specifically what I wanted to address in this thread. So HOW do I discuss these concerns with him, and how do I show him that I want to be supportive?

I did ask him last night if he wanted to try doing a “trial run” of the new office schedule he is proposing for everyone, with one scheduled late night per week (not including the shorter Friday schedule), and see how it works for him. At first he said, “Oh, I don’t think I could,” and I asked him, “Why not?” Then he said, “Well, I don’t know. Sure, yeah, we can try it.”

So that was a relief. It’s good to know that he thinks he could follow the schedule he is planning on proposing himself. We’ll see what time he leaves today, though.