How Can I Encourage My Husband to Come Home from Work on Time?

[kuppusamy]

Don’t say anything.

Be nice, sweet, and a soft place to land. It seems like he is stressed. I bet he knows all of his weaknesses. And, can sense your displeasure. You may not expressly say it but I am sure it’s felt.

Find a place where you can meet him half way. And, accept him as he is faults and all. You both are very stressed with long work hours, young kids, tight budgets and not enough time together. Please, arrange someone to take the kids for two hours and go to dinner. Do either of you have family close?

I have been there (I have four all under two years apart). My husband had a high stress job and was earning and MBA in his “spare time”. I know what you are going through and it isn’t worth it. I prayed the rosary a lot and attended adoration whenever I could. Those two really helped quell my anger and resentment. I really feel those two are tied to your micro managing his career. Does he do that to your job at home with the kids? Or, does he trust you in fulfilling that role? You need to trust him to fulfill the role of provider. PRAY God’s blessing over him each morning. Pray before bed that God give him the energy to get up and get to work ON TIME. Pray the prayer of Jabez over your family.

Please don’t take this badly. This was the best advice my grandmother gave me before she passed away = when I was at the same place. She told me even if we couldn’t get out of the house to make an appointment with him. Have my issues laid out and discuss. You need to tell him what’s bothering you.(I don’t think you should go into the detail you did here, just bring up about his worry over his job and how it affects you) And, my last piece of advice find something to volunteer in your local parish. Even if it’s baking cookies for something or bagging groceries for food Sunday.

 

[Lorelei12]

I always get somewhat amused when I hear this complaint. Why? I guess it is the era I was raised in. My father was not just late almost all the time, but his job meant he could be gone for 3 weeks at a time. Or be home 30 minutes when the phone rang and they were telling him he had to be in another state by the morning.

My mother never complained about it. It meant we had a house, food, medical care and clothes. She knew what his work was and what was expected of him and accepted this. And having worked myself, in some jobs that did not care one ounce about your private life, I often found myself working 12 hour shifts or longer. During a certain two year period I worked 7 days a week, with no more than 2 hours of sleep a day.

If you want your job and want to keep it, that is what you do until you find something else. If your husband is not cheating on you, stop with the worry about him being home on time if that is what the job requires. Heck, my grandfather worked three jobs when my dad was a kid, had to move all over the country to keep working, and was gone almost half the time. What gives people? I’ll take some occasional tardiness anytime.

Parents shouldn’t complain about their spouse to their children, so that your mother never complained doesn’t mean it didn’t bother her. People do what they have to do to get by, of course, and if your job is the only one you can find and it means being gone all the time, it’s what you do. But in this situation, the husband took a particular job in order to have more time with the family and that isn’t happening. He has options, including managing his time better to make his family more of a priority.

Not to mention, the OP is also working for pay by watching other people’s children. I imagine that it’s not just about the time lost being spent together, but also the fact that she appears to be managing the household entirely, taking care of their own children, and others’ children, without a lot of help from dad. Division of labor doesn’t always work out completely fairly, but I’d be upset too if I was seeing a bunch of Facebook posts during the day but he couldn’t manage to be home on time to help clean up after dinner.

The whole “your husband isn’t cheating on you, so get over it” sentiment is rather ridiculous. That’s the most we can hope for within our marriages and families? I don’t think so. There is a balance that needs to be worked out here- of course the husband needs to be concerned with the livelihood of his family, and his fear of job loss is completely understandable. But it does seem like there are workable solutions in this case, and he should care about his wife and children’s needs and be trying to implement them, too.

 

[Xantippe]

Parents shouldn’t complain about their spouse to their children, so that your mother never complained doesn’t mean it didn’t bother her.

Yes. I mentioned on another thread that I didn’t realize until well into adulthood that my mom was really ticked off by the fact that my dad would move the family into his parents’ house whenever he hit a financial rough spot.

The whole “your husband isn’t cheating on you, so get over it” sentiment is rather ridiculous.

**Yes. That is setting the bar for success pretty low.
**
That’s the most we can hope for within our marriages and families? I don’t think so. There is a balance that needs to be worked out here- of course the husband needs to be concerned with the livelihood of his family, and his fear of job loss is completely understandable. But it does seem like there are workable solutions in this case, and he should care about his wife and children’s needs and be trying to implement them, too.

 

[on_the_hill]

Somewhere in all of these replies it might have been mentioned—how long has he had the job?

 

[pnewton]

Is there anything else I can do, or is the ball pretty much in his court?

I would go with “pretty much.” Did he work on this type of schedule before you were married?

 

[pensmama87]

Somewhere in all of these replies it might have been mentioned—how long has he had the job?

Just over three years, which seems solidly in the middle for length at a job like this (it’s longer in bigger offices with better pay). If you’re there over five years, it’s generally understood that you either do not care to advance further or that you do not possess the skills necessary to move up.

(That’s his assessment, not mine.)

 

[pensmama87]

I would go with “pretty much.” Did he work on this type of schedule before you were married?

We married pretty much right out of school. He’d had his first “regular job,” which was in this field, about two months when we got married. He did work late there on occasion but he could walk to work and came home for lunch everyday.

 

[Giggly_Giraffe]

Well, I struggling like you and not feeling like I’m being heard.

Here is my short vent … I feel like I’m being forced to work overtime with no way out … Sometimes I feel like the plague and late work excuses are easier than my husband confronting me about my failures. I wish I got paid overtime. I wish I had the powers the managers at work have over arrival time (punishment for being late). But, alas, it just sucks and I have no control. Oh, how I want to scream when my husband donates his unused vacation to sick … I don’t think he understands that his vacation time is mine too. Really, he should take the vacation time off and send me to Timbuck tou at least!!! It seems that men tend to disapear from home when there are children under five at home.

My hope is that this excess overtime I’m trapped in is statistically short and that I can find fellow friends to listen to my pitty parties from time to time. I don’t think “fix it advice” will help me here … Just a person who gets it sucks when the husbands late for …

 

[Xantippe]

Well, I struggling like you and not feeling like I’m being heard.

Here is my short vent … I feel like I’m being forced to work overtime with no way out … Sometimes I feel like the plague and late work excuses are easier than my husband confronting me about my failures. I wish I got paid overtime. I wish I had the powers the managers at work have over arrival time (punishment for being late). But, alas, it just sucks and I have no control. Oh, how I want to scream when my husband donates his unused vacation to sick … I don’t think he understands that his vacation time is mine too. Really, he should take the vacation time off and send me to Timbuck tou at least!!! It seems that men tend to disapear from home when there are children under five at home.

My hope is that this excess overtime I’m trapped in is statistically short and that I can find fellow friends to listen to my pitty parties from time to time. I don’t think “fix it advice” will help me here … Just a person who gets it sucks when the husbands late for …

Have you mentioned your feelings? Not screaming, of course.

It seems like your husband has a pattern of being generous to people outside your household and shorting his wife and kids.

As a rule, it isn’t OK to dispose of major family resources (including time) without consulting our spouse.

 

[Giggly_Giraffe]

Have you mentioned your feelings? Not screaming, of course.

It seems like your husband has a pattern of being generous to people outside your household and shorting his wife and kids.

As a rule, it isn’t OK to dispose of major family resources (including time) without consulting our spouse.

Yes, I had glimpses of his charitable compultiôn before we married. It’s likehave to reprogram a life time of a persons “Pavolve” triggers. Yes, tell the man his hard work is being donated to the poor, sick, homeless and he will gladly forfeit the vacation. Tell him to let the vacation to expire and forfeit the tax deduction and he gets very angry. Now I just have to get him to see his wife and children as the Charity and maybe he will take time off … Even if it’s only to declutter the house. Sigh. Quite the feat for us.

 

[Giggly_Giraffe]

Since I have first answered this question, the parable of the 10 brides has appeared many times to me. Each time, I read that the Bridegroom is LATE!!! I also wonder why the brides didn’t join together and let one lamp burn at a time to help those without extra oil ( love thy neighbor ). I wonder why a bridegroom would be late on his big night??? Does this also mean Jesus will be late? Why would any of those women want to get married to a man who’s inviting additional women and whose late??? Okay, so it’s evident this parable eludes me completely … But for some reason, it keeps popping up where ever I go.

 

[smallcat]

I haven’t read all the responses, but it sounds like your husband isn’t so much a workaholic or somone who can’t give up control, but rather, like you said, suffers from poor time management and organization. A lot of what you described throws up huge red flags for me for ADD, which isn’t necessariliy associated with hyperactivity, especially in adults. Is he like this in other areas of his life? Does he lose his keys or misplace items or get distracted at home when doing a job he’s not into? Do you ever feel like you’re talking through him but his mind is elsewhere?

I was diagnosed with ADD as an adult but likely have had it since I was a kid. Getting the diagnosis and treatment was HUGE- I couldn’t believe how much mental energy I had been spending trying to keep so many thoughts in my head. There are wonderful cognitive behavioral techniques that I found found incredibly helpful, and a low dose of ritalin keeps my mind in check. It’s worth an evaluation at least if you think your husband would consider it.

 

[Xantippe]

I haven’t read all the responses, but it sounds like your husband isn’t so much a workaholic or somone who can’t give up control, but rather, like you said, suffers from poor time management and organization. A lot of what you described throws up huge red flags for me for ADD, which isn’t necessariliy associated with hyperactivity, especially in adults. Is he like this in other areas of his life? Does he lose his keys or misplace items or get distracted at home when doing a job he’s not into? Do you ever feel like you’re talking through him but his mind is elsewhere?

I was diagnosed with ADD as an adult but likely have had it since I was a kid. Getting the diagnosis and treatment was HUGE- I couldn’t believe how much mental energy I had been spending trying to keep so many thoughts in my head. There are wonderful cognitive behavioral techniques that I found found incredibly helpful, and a low dose of ritalin keeps my mind in check. It’s worth an evaluation at least if you think your husband would consider it.

Yes!

And if the OP’s husband has ADD, it’s probably one of the reasons that he is so gifted, energetic, and productive.