How can my boyfriend and I control ourselves from sexual impurities?

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My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for almost 3 years now. We love each other so deeply and we know we want to get married to each other and he’s starting to make future plans. Sadly we have 2-3 years left of college. So there’s no possible way for us to get married and live together until we get our careers.
We have struggled with being sexual but after I have brought to his attention that I don’t feel okay with “fooling around” for lack of a better word. We tried coming up with ways to stop but we could never make it happen because we failed numerous times. We have both talked to our father and he never really gave me advice on how to go about it. Whenever my boyfriend went he didn’t either. I’m guessing because it’s such a sensitive topic and it’s not really talked about upfront which makes this really hard. The father told my boyfriend that it is hard because back when the Bible was being made 12 year olds were getting married so now times have changed.
We never felt the desire to actually go all the way and have sex. Until a few days ago. We were both virgins and we both felt strongly about waiting till marriage. Until we spent many weeks without fooling around with each other that temptation got the best of us.
Can anyone give us advice on how to control ourselves? We are both very sexual but it’s a joking kind. Until we find ourselves kissing and grabbing too much. My boyfriend gave some ideas such as him being more serious and being less affectionate but part of me still wants the affection. He doesn’t feel okay with more than a kiss and a simple hug. But I want to be able to be more affectionate such as hug for longer. One of the reasons that I love him is for his humor and him being so sweet so by changing and becoming more serious and less affectionate is like to be dating a whole new person.
 
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Don’t spend much time alone with him. You may say “Drac, that’s such a radical thing to do”, but I believe that it’s necessary. The less time you are alone with him, the less sexual temptation you will have. Remember, in the scriptures, when that woman wanted to have sex with Joseph? he didn’t say to himself “I guess I just have to talk to her about this”. No, he ran from those temptations. Also, Paul said to flee from sexual immorality.

If you are alone with your boyfriend, the temptations will arise. Lust finds a way to sneak in there, ya know? if you are alone with your boyfriend, you’re opening the door to invite lust to come in. If you don’t take this seriously, you will fall into sexual sin, it’s only a matter of time.
 
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Don’t spend time alone. Spend time in public places, with friends, etc. Don’t talk on the phone or skype when you are alone, especially when you are in bed.

Don’t joke about sex, do not do passionate kissing, making out. Chaste kisses, pecks on the lips, if those change your relationship then your relationship was simply built on physical pleasure. In marriage you will have to know how to abstain for long periods of time. If you cannot do it now, you will not be able to do it when you are married.

Also, people have been married in college for centuries.
 
I totally understand. We were already thinking of doing this and we’ve tried before but we would get left alone at his house but we’ll just have to meet in public places from now on. Thank you for replying!
 
Thank you for your reply! And we both want to get married now but as college students he is the only one working and it’s not a full time job and I can’t work because I’m taking 6 classes this semester. So because finance isn’t working with us we can’t move to that step just yet I just wish it was possible now
 
Anonuserhere said:
Thank you for your reply! And we both want to get married now but as college students he is the only one working and it’s not a full time job and I can’t work because I’m taking 6 classes this semester. So because finance isn’t working with us we can’t move to that step just yet I just wish it was possible now
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Really, really think hard about getting married while still in college and try to figure out how it can work out for you.

I would suggest getting together with older married couples that you respect. Work with them to try to figure out a plan, a sensible, practical plan that will enable you to support yourselves and live on your own (not in mom and dad’s basement) while you are married and in college at the same time.

I am willing to bet that when you and some more mature couples start brainstorming and thinking outside the box and being very very creative and open-minded, and dump your pre-conceived “millennial” mindsets of “The Ideal Life”–you will figure it out, and be able to start being married now instead of two years from now.

There’s nothing wrong with waiting if you are very young (high school), but you are at the prime time to enjoy married life and work through problems that will inevitably happen–it doesn’t matter how long you wait and how much education you get and how secure your careers are–SOMETHING will come along to up-end everything and you will have to be creative and resilient and able to think on the fly of a “new plan”–that’s kind of a capsule description of many marriages.

There is no “perfect time” to get married.

My husband and I ended up getting married while we had two years of college to go. We worked out a sensible and practical plan that involved my husband taking a year off college and working full time while I finished my last year of college (which happened to a be a non-paid internship in a hospital lab), and then I worked full-time at my lab tech job in our college town while he finished his last year of college.

I believe his income that first year (1979) was $11,000/year. We didn’t even have our own car before we got married, but we bought an old AMC Hornet for around $1000. I remember our food budget was $30/week, and we ate a lot of Kraft Mac and Cheese and Ramen noodles!

And we loved every minute of it! What an adventure!

So work out a plan with the help of mature couples. Be willing to take a semester or a year off to work full-time–the economy is currently booming, so you should be able to find a job! (Unlike 1979, when we were just about ready for a huge recession that brought our city’s unemployment rate up to 25%!). Be willing to live very VERY cheap (you’ll stay thinner!).

Best wishes to both of you.
 
And BTW, I agree with others–until you are married, try to spend more time in public. I suggest doing lots of volunteering together at worthy projects, and right now is the perfect time.

Our city is putting out the call for people to volunteer at various food drives, the Salvation Army buckets, the city’s huge holiday celebration downtown featuring lots of decorations and booths that need to be put up by hundreds of volunteers, various children’s Christmas gift-give away parties, lots of nursing homes who need volunteers, etc. etc.

Get involved together doing worthwhile projects with your parish and your city/town and you won’t have time (or energy!) left to make out!
 
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I’ve never thought about talking to someone who got married young about how they did it but that’s something I will for sure do now.

Yes I agree many people think that getting married young is dumb but it’s different for everyone and we all move at our own pace and meet the right one at our own time.

Something I’ve considered is tiny house living for just the 2 of us and I’m really good with saving money at searching for good deals. I’ve told my boyfriend about it but he wants to just go straight to an apartment which might not be the best. We don’t really need much space. But I don’t think he’ll believe it until he sees the tiny houses and how we won’t really occupy that much space.

I don’t know how the idea of volunteering flew past me but that’s something I loved doing when I was in high school. Thank you for brining that to my attention again. We as Catholics is something we should be doing often. Sometimes my boyfriend and I find ourselves not having any idea on what to do and where to go and leaves room for temptation but volunteering will fill that room. Thank you so much for your reply!
 
My wife was 19 and a sophomore in college when we married. It has been the best marriage!
 
go to confession

R u Catholic?

you can still go to confession if not catholic, just won’t be sacramentally absolved
 
If you don’t mind can you share with me on how y’all made it happen?
 
Yes we always went to confession after we sinned. I couldn’t live with the guilt of upsetting our Lord.
 
I love the fact u were both virgins. But now you are not.

The Word says it is beter to marry than to “burn”

i don’t see why u should wait to get married just bc of college. Avoiding sin is the goal of everyone’s life (should be anyhow)

Jesus said that FEW make it to Heaven (Mt 7, Lk 13:24, et c)

don’t go to hell over sex… it is NOT worth it
 
It’s the finance that we have trouble with. There’s no income that’s enough to support the both of us. I personally don’t think being married while in college is wrong but it is a challenge
 
Click on the catholic answers icon on the top and then it takes you to the main page and on the top right you will see “+new topic”
 
Anonuserhere said:
Something I’ve considered is tiny house living for just the 2 of us and I’m really good with saving money at searching for good deals. I’ve told my boyfriend about it but he wants to just go straight to an apartment which might not be the best. We don’t really need much space. But I don’t think he’ll believe it until he sees the tiny houses and how we won’t really occupy that much space.
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Are there tiny houses for rent in your area? In our area, there are not. Tiny houses cost a lot of money. If you have the money to buy one, you probably have the money to rent a larger apartment.

There is probably a Student Life office (it might be called something else) at your college. Inquire about apartments in homes. In our college town in Northern Illinois, quite a few older couples who lived in big old houses converted their basements or attics into small apartments and rented them to the college students (the college had 20,000 students at the time we attended, so lots of students were in the market for an apartment with a reasonable rent).

I lived in an attic apartment with a female roommate for a semester–it was fun, and very cheap!

We had friends (a married couple finishing their degrees) who lived in a basement apartment–it was really nice and we sometimes joined others and went to their apartment for dinner or desert. (Peter loved to bake!)

Of ask your parish–there may be families in the parish who have small apartments that they rent out to college students.

Again, be creative and open-minded. Would you be willing to share an old house with several other couples? We knew couples who did this in college–three or four couples would rent a house, each couple got their own bedroom, and everyone shared the kitchen, bathroom, and living areas, including laundry. Often they signed up to take turns making dinner for the entire house, so the grocery bill was cheap because it was shared.

Would you be willing to share a house with a senior citizen? My brother does this–he’s older and not-married, but he moved in with a woman much older than him, and has his own bedroom and bathroom. The rent is very cheap and, and for the older woman, it’s nice to have a man to do the lawn chores and any other repairs and also provide a sense of security–robbers aren’t as likely to strike in a house where a man lives. My brother often takes her out on errands, or they go to an antique sale together.

Look around and good luck with the search.
 
Anonuserhere said:
It’s the finance that we have trouble with. There’s no income that’s enough to support the both of us. I personally don’t think being married while in college is wrong but it is a challenge
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Do either or both of you have jobs? If not, why not? How do you pay for college and extracurricular activities (e.g., movies, pizza, etc. )?

Are there jobs available in your area?
 
I know the current idea is that it is impossible to take a full course load and work, but, believe it or not people used to hold full time jobs AND not only be full time undergrads, but, go to law or med school! It can be done.
 
We don’t go to the same college but it’s pretty close and we both commute back to our hometown. We still live with parents so that’s how we are going to college.
Asking the parish would probably be best!
 
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