How child-centric is your marriage?

[whatevergirl]

I think mine is on the high side. Between sporting events, games, schoolwork, dd’s guitar lessons, and my husband’s busy work schedule…I don’t know how we can get ‘date’ night back on the calendar. sigh

My husband has off typically two days during the week, so it makes it hard for planning date nights, but we talked about having a standing movie night on Tuesday evenings or something. Then dd overheard and said…‘can I come?’ Aw – I said yes. My dh just laughed.

I was listening to a talk show host for a Christian station this week who said that we should be careful not to become child-centric in our marriages; it’s important to keep the marriage first.

So…how do you all manage…those of you with kids–in keeping yourselves from becoming too focused on the kids, and not enough on the marriage. I thought we were doing well, until I realized that dh and I hadn’t been out to a romantic dinner or anything in like 3 months.

 

[GratefulDad]

What a great question Whatevergirl. With a med-large family and trying to protect them from the sewage in the world today, it’s hard to carve out time for our marriage too. But we steal away what quick dates we can, like to a non-Starbucks(haha) coffee shops, etc. Sometimes just going shopping together can be a date away. Boy are we getting old or what?

 

[Brenda_V]

Well, here I am approaching 30 years of marriage and we didn’t start having date nights once we started having children until they were teens! So, well, let’s see, that would be we went about 16 years or so without?

We both agreed that during the time when they were little they needed both of us so we put our wants on the back burner to be picked up again when our children didn’t need us as much anymore! Now, they are adults and we have “date” nights about once a month, so, it didn’t hurt our marriage. What did hurt our marriage was my working outside the home!

Brenda V.

 

[whatevergirl]

What a great question Whatevergirl. With a med-large family and trying to protect them from the sewage in the world today, it’s hard to carve out time for our marriage too. But we steal away what quick dates we can, like to a non-Starbucks(haha) coffee shops, etc. Sometimes just going shopping together can be a date away. Boy are we getting old or what?

speak for yourself daddio

Yeah, it is kind of got me down today. I mean, we bought one of those larger screen tv’s…and that has brought us together to watch movies…so we have movie night, and it really feels more special. So that’s good. Going to ds’ football games are not date nights. My husband yells like a nut in the stands, and looks like he’s run a marathon by the time the game’s over…from hyperventilating and yelling ‘bad call.’ Ugh that is ***not ***a date night. lol

But…every time we want to go out for a bite, dd asks to come. lol She loves us, what can we do? lol

I am thinking of cooking lessons. Hubby said that would be fun, and then I could actually learn how to cook the right way. :newidea: I have friends who go to aerobics together back in PA. They would then grab a salad at a diner or something on the way home…their kids are grown… So, it’s a little different.

 

[whatevergirl]

Well, here I am approaching 30 years of marriage and we didn’t start having date nights once we started having children until they were teens! So, well, let’s see, that would be we went about 16 years or so without?

We both agreed that during the time when they were little they needed both of us so we put our wants on the back burner to be picked up again when our children didn’t need us as much anymore! Now, they are adults and we have “date” nights about once a month, so, it didn’t hurt our marriage. What did hurt our marriage was my working outside the home!

Brenda V.

hi brenda–why did that (working) hurt your marriage?

 

[GratefulDad]

speak for yourself daddio … Ok, our little Italian Wirl Wind, don’t rub it in.

Yeah, it is kind of got me down today. I mean, we bought one of those larger screen tv’s…and that has brought us together to watch movies…so we have movie night, and it really feels more special. So that’s good. Going to ds’ football games are not date nights. My husband yells like a nut in the stands, and looks like he’s run a marathon by the time the game’s over…from hyperventilating and yelling ‘bad call.’ Ugh that is ***not ***a date night. lol

This sounds like a great night out to me too. Is this a prob?

But…every time we want to go out for a bite, dd asks to come. lol She loves us, what can we do? lol

Awww, that is tough to say no to.

I am thinking of cooking lessons. Hubby said that would be fun, and then I could actually learn how to cook the right way. :newidea: I have friends who go to aerobics together back in PA. They would then grab a salad at a diner or something on the way home…their kids are grown… So, it’s a little different.

 

[whatevergirl]

you and my dh can have a date night then…at my son’s football game…lol:newidea: I’ll hang out with your wifey! In all seriousness I love going my son’s games…they are just not date nights.

 

[jwashu]

Extended Family

But even with that recently it’s gone down to once maybe twice a month now that we have 3 with another on the way.

My mom lives in town though and her mom is 30 minutes away so that helps a bunch. The kids don’t usually want to come because they get to spend time with Grandma or Gamma.

With two we were up to about 3 a month, real date nights, boys spent the night at Grandmas. However I think the more kids we have they are worried if they continue to keep the kids over night every so often we will keep having kids I promised them that’s not necessarily the case.

Anyway, that’s my suggestion. Perhaps if you don’t have family close you could try a friend from the Parish or school Not that I would let them spend the night but at least give you guys time away and your daughter a fun time as well.

Joe

 

[Annn]

My parents were lucky enough to be able to afford a babysitter once in a while - though it was hard to find a good one to watch so many of us. But as soon as I turned thirteen they started leaving me at home with the [5] younger ones!

 

[whatevergirl]

My parents were lucky enough to be able to afford a babysitter once in a while - though it was hard to find a good one to watch so many of us. But as soon as I turned thirteen they started leaving me at home with the [5] younger ones!

Hi Annn…it’s ironic you say this…when our kids were younger, we’d pay for sitters and have date nights a few times per month…now that our kids don’t need sitters…we rarely have date nights. :ehh: Something is wrong with this picture. lol

 

[First_of_9]

My family was child-centric from 1979 till 1997. It has been grandchild-centric since 4/29/2004:extrahappy:

 

[Brenda_V]

hi brenda–why did that (working) hurt your marriage?

Working did two things. One it drained me of energy to be the wife I needed to be, to cook the meals my husband likes (and he is not demanding) and be available to him to just be with him like first thing in the morning for extended hugs - there was a time crunch when I worked. He works at a job that sometimes has him gone for long hours at a time and when he gets home I need to be there with energy to be able to hug him (I personally am not a touchy person and if I had to be with people all day I don’t have anything left at the end of the day for anyone else - somehow working with others at Birthright or Jazzercise don’t drain me in the same way as when I worked retail.)

The other thing it did was caused us to pay more in income tax which was by far not what the intent of working was for.

We were fighting too much, he wanted to cuddle, I wanted to sleep and not be touched. He wanted to talk, I just wanted to go to bed so I could get to work on time. I finally decided after a year of this that it was not worth it.

Brenda V.

 

[bunnynessuk]

This is my one gripe with the church -

my marriage will be child centric they will come first second and third in my life - before me, before my husband and before my job.

Children are a wonderful beautiful gift and they should be cherished way above a grown man (or woman) who is quite capable of fending for himself.

My h2b knows this - he is well aware, if I put him first I could miss the signs of child abuse, I could miss the signs that my children were struggling and I **will not **do that.

Regardless of the arguments that have been put on this board before children to me are and will alway be and should always be the most important thing in a parents life.

Because children are for life.

 

[DiannaK]

hi brenda–why did that (working) hurt your marriage?

I was wondering the same thing …

Our marriage is pretty child centric, but with 3 under the age of 3, how could it NOT be, right now?? I try my best to make sure we have some time for adult conversation, etc, as well as adult alone time, but it’s hard. Sometimes, it’s hard taking a shower alone around here!

My DH and I both know that it won’t always be this way, but there are days that I definitely MISS him, even though we live in the same house. Make sense??

 

[DiannaK]

Working did two things. One it drained me of energy to be the wife I needed to be,

The other thing it did was caused us to pay more in income tax which was by far not what the intent of working was for.

Brenda V.

great points!
After the birth of the boys, I told my husband I could care less if I ever worked again. I have so many more things I could do, with him, and with the kids.

 

[Serap]

My belief is that when the children are young and in need of constant attention (up to age 16 or so), a marriage should be child-centric.

I waited forever to get married and have a baby that I am just so thank-ful and my husband feels the same. We love being a family and we do everything together.

We have our alone time when baby is in bed and I’ve cleaned up and made dinner…not much time, but it’s better than no time

 

[whatevergirl]

I agree…but what I should have better phrased is when you only talk about your kids, and never connect personally with your spouse. Our kids are the loves of our lives and I don’t ‘resent’ anything or time spent with them, but as a couple, it’s important to not lose connection with one’s spouse, while raising kids…that happens in some households. Not happening here, but I can see how it does happen…like I’ve seen marriages where the glue holding the couple together is the kids, and once the kids move out, the couple is lost…and realize that they’ve lost touch with each other. That’s really what I’m saying more…just don’t want to have that ever happen.

 

[Brenda_V]

I agree…but what I should have better phrased is when you only talk about your kids, and never connect personally with your spouse. Our kids are the loves of our lives and I don’t ‘resent’ anything or time spent with them, but as a couple, it’s important to not lose connection with one’s spouse, while raising kids…that happens in some households. Not happening here, but I can see how it does happen…like I’ve seen marriages where the glue holding the couple together is the kids, and once the kids move out, the couple is lost…and realize that they’ve lost touch with each other. That’s really what I’m saying more…just don’t want to have that ever happen.

You see, date nights is not the only way to stay connected. There are those “before we get out of bed” cuddle sessions (and I mean just cuddling!) or making a meal he really likes, or experimenting and it being one of those “it is okay but don’t make it again” kind of things. When I see moms so exhausted because they work outside the home and the children need her and she doesn’t have any energy left over for her husband at the end of the day then there is a problem. Children have a harder time understanding “quality time vs. quantity time” so when mom and/or dad are home is when they demand and need that attention. Ausband can totally get “quality time” with him but that doesn’t happen in a lot of marriages because mom is exhausted from either working outside the home or not making sure to conserve her energies during the day when the babies are little. This can be a problem for either a mom who works outside the home or one who stays at home so please all you women who work outside the home don’t think I am dissing you

When ours were very little our time was Saturday mornings before they got up in the mornings or, I could set them up with breakfast and cartoons (yes, we used tv as a babysitter) and we would have the time to be a couple, cuddling, sharing the marital embrace etc.

Couple time is important but it doesn’t have to be outside the home totally away from the children.

Brenda V.

 

[whatevergirl]

The thing that sometimes causes women to be exhausted if they are working outside of the home is if they have a husband who doesn’t do his part with chores, etc at home. I stayed at home for a while, but once I went back to work–my husband didn’t ‘expect’ me to have dinner ready every night, as if I were home all day, or expect everything to be picked up. I am not his or the kids’ maids. I think what makes marriages successful when both parents are working, is when the husband checks his ego at the door, and realizes that his wife has a career, and he needs to do his part to take care of the household things, on his days off…and so do the kids, when they get older to do so. I think if I were staying at home now, both kids are in school, I would make sure everything at home was done of course. But, for me, I went back to work at a time when my husband lost his job, in his industry, and ever since, I’ve made a good living. I think that depending on the couple too…some men stay at home. I have read posts on here that talk about that. I think that it’s important for one parent to be there…when the kids are preschool. I get home shortly after my dd is home, and my son doesn’t get done with football until the evening…so for us, I don’t feel I’m taken away from them or activities.

Nor am I spent…my husband isn’t home most of the nights I am, so that is more where our situation lies. If he got home at 6pm every night or something, it would be a little easier. But, we must get creative, and that’s what we’ll have to do!

 

[Brenda_V]

Nor am I spent…my husband isn’t home most of the nights I am, so that is more where our situation lies. If he got home at 6pm every night or something, it would be a little easier. But, we must get creative, and that’s what we’ll have to do!

I did say that it isn’t true for everyone. My DH often doesn’t get home until well after 8 p.m. which is when I am personally starting to wind down, just the way my body works and always has (you know, I am the kid who would ask to be put to bed because I was tired). It is worse if I have had to be out all day working - now understand I worked retail which can indeed be hard on a body due to having to stand all day and deal with people who are having good days and bad days. I much prefer the job I do now which is volunteer at a Birthright, the money issues is no longer a strain on us because I don’t get paid to do it. I am also an Avon Ind. Sales Rep. who is in Leadership so that keeps me busy too (I was doing this at the same time as I was working retail). My husband supports me in any decision I make, he helps me around the house but I prefer he not because he doesn’t remember where he puts things and as far as cooking goes, I am an excellent cook who can fix an entire meal using three or less pots/pans/bowls whatever and for the same meal he needs three for each step of the way . IOW, he makes more work out of cooking than is necessary. This is just how it has worked out in our marriage and I am okay with it.

I think there is far more going on in the marriages that we see falling apart once the children leave. If there is no security in you as a couple before the children start coming then for sure there is no security after they have gone. (please note, the “you” here is the general “you” not “you personally” )

Now you personally are doing what you can in the circumstances you all find yourselves in. Is your marriage child centered? Or are there time constraints that make it hard to do things as a couple? From what you are saying it is the time constraints, he isn’t home when you are - kind of hard to do things together when your schedules don’t mesh well so, get creative, get up a little extra early and go to breakfast together. Meet for lunch somewhere (less likely to have daughter want to join you 'cuz she has to be in school ). Go to bed together, at the same time, as much as possible to get cuddle time in, even if that means one of you gets up agan to do some housework or “homework”. Always, always kiss each other “good-bye” and “hello”! Those little things are what will connect you in this stage of your lives where the children’s schedules and your work schedules make it hard for the two of you to have the time free at the same time!

Now, hopefully you understand what I was saying .

Brenda V.