How do I control my jealousy/anger over the indecency on TV...and my worries of it affecting my husband?

[grandfather]

One of the things we promise when we say an Act of Contrition when being absolved, it to avoid the near occassion of sin. Our culture is sick and depraved. What comes into homes via TV is a reflection of this culture. It is the world. It is not of the Kingdom of Heaven.

The TV, the movie industry, the internet are near occassions of sin. If I don’t want to drink alcohol I don’t buy a bottle of Bourbon and put it in my cupboard.

I have a TV, no cable, just a few channels. I watched the football game yesterday and changed channels during the commercials. It is really evil stuff. If I had kids there is no way a tv would be in the house.

The healthiest happiest young families I know are home schoolers with no tvs.

 

[JRKH]

There is a great book about this exact topic called “The Emotions God Gave You” by Art and Laraine Bennett. I HIGHLY recommend it. (It’s available on the Catholic Answers ‘store’ as well. ) Another good one I’ve just read is “The Truth About Trouble”.

Let anger warn you, and let it help you discern what is happening that the emotion is alerting you towards. But don’t let it control your actions. Also, be mindful that sometimes anger can be linked to something else, something older, and may be triggered by something more recent. It’s important to discern if your anger is being directed to the right situation and in the right way.

Good answer…
This really speaks to the part of the bible verse that says, “Do not let the sun go down on your anger”. If something angers you, find out why and deal with the underlying cause…but not in anger. Deal with it with Justice and Love.

Peace
James

 

[KostyaJMJ]

Well…when I mentioned the movie that was inappropriate, there is a reason I called it inappropriate; and that is because it had enough sex in it to be considered porn. I just don’t particularly like accusing my husband so harshly, especially since it is NOT a problem I have seen in him much.

You assume that I’m just wanting to play mother hen? You think it is wrong to request my husband to avoid movies with sex in them? I do not force him to give me the controller when we watch movies containing sexuality or nudity. And, FYI, my issue with the anger is actually more aimed toward the TV industry and the people parading their skimpily clothed bodies around for everyone to see.

Yes, IMHO editing the movies that he watches is going too far. That is the kind of relationship I had with my mother when I was 17, but not the sort of thing that I would tolerate from my wife. If my wife behaved like she didn’t trust me with sharp objects I would really begin to resent her. Can you give the name of the movie? Just because a movie has sex and nudity in it doesn’t mean that it is off limits for a mature adult.

It seems that you’re expecting perfection from an imperfect human being and it isn’t going to happen. What you’ve mentioned seems minor. Is there anything else stopping you from trusting him to be a leader to the family?

 

[Debora123]

I don’t know; she didn’t say anything about porn. Seems more like she has issues trying to play mother hen. She needs to let her husband be an adult and stop trying to mother him.

Perhaps you missed her post about her husband having rented a “video” while she was gone, and having an inappropriate calendar in his car.

 

[Christina79]

There is a great book about this exact topic called “The Emotions God Gave You” by Art and Laraine Bennett. I HIGHLY recommend it. (It’s available on the Catholic Answers ‘store’ as well. ) Another good one I’ve just read is “The Truth About Trouble”.

Let anger warn you, and let it help you discern what is happening that the emotion is alerting you towards. But don’t let it control your actions. Also, be mindful that sometimes anger can be linked to something else, something older, and may be triggered by something more recent. It’s important to discern if your anger is being directed to the right situation and in the right way.

Good answer…
This really speaks to the part of the bible verse that says, “Do not let the sun go down on your anger”. If something angers you, find out why and deal with the underlying cause…but not in anger. Deal with it with Justice and Love.

Peace
James

 

[aicirt]

I don’t know; she didn’t say anything about porn. Seems more like she has issues trying to play mother hen. She needs to let her husband be an adult and stop trying to mother him.

Totally agree. I’d like to know the names of the movies that have to be fast forwarded too. I think the OP is over the top on all of this.

 

[Debora123]

Yes, IMHO editing the movies that he watches is going too far. That is the kind of relationship I had with my mother when I was 17, but not the sort of thing that I would tolerate from my wife. If my wife behaved like she didn’t trust me with sharp objects I would really begin to resent her. Can you give the name of the movie? Just because a movie has sex and nudity in it doesn’t mean that it is off limits for a mature adult.

It seems that you’re expecting perfection from an imperfect human being and it isn’t going to happen. What you’ve mentioned seems minor. Is there anything else stopping you from trusting him to be a leader to the family?

I don’t think she’s speaking of a movie that just so happened to have sex/nudity in it. Though I could be wrong. But it sounds like it was a little bit more than that.

And the fact that her husband rented that movie specifically when she wasn’t home and kept it secret should tell you something about the movie as well.

You are right in saying that we should not expect perfection from our spouses. But we SHOULD expect fidelity, 100%.

 

[Debora123]

Totally agree. I’d like to know the names of the movies that have to be fast forwarded too. I think the OP is over the top on all of this.

I agree that the fast forwarding is silly. But at the same time she does seem to have legitimate reasons not to trust him. Which is why I suggested getting some counseling from a priest to help with both her husband’s lust issues AND her trust issues. But they have to be done simultaneously.

 

[Christina79]

Yes, IMHO editing the movies that he watches is going too far. That is the kind of relationship I had with my mother when I was 17, but not the sort of thing that I would tolerate from my wife. If my wife behaved like she didn’t trust me with sharp objects I would really begin to resent her. Can you give the name of the movie? Just because a movie has sex and nudity in it doesn’t mean that it is off limits for a mature adult.

It seems that you’re expecting perfection from an imperfect human being and it isn’t going to happen. What you’ve mentioned seems minor. Is there anything else stopping you from trusting him to be a leader to the family?

I believe I am capable of knowing that this movie IS off limits for any mature adult or otherwise. It contained very graphic sex and with incestual/multiple partner filth throughout the whole movie.

And, I’m not “editing” his movies without his permission to do so. If he feels more comfortable just allowing me to fast forward the movies rather than being the one doing it, what is the problem? He gave me the controller, not because I asked for it. And, part of being in a marriage is being able to be in agreement with things. So, it does require discussing issues. Just because someone does so, does not necessarily mean they are treating the other like a child.

When I said that I sit in there…it’s not like I’m just sitting there telling him to turn his head or change it (unless our children are in there). And then, I ASK him if he would do so for the children’s sake. I sit in there because that is his favorite pastime and mine is studying on the computer…and since they are in the same room, it kind of turns out to be our enjoying time together while sharing distinct pastimes.

The reason I felt a NEED to post this question is because I’m beginning to feel as if I NEED to be in there to observe what he is watching, which is not how I want to feel…even though I do have reasons not to be completely trusting of his judgement, I do not want to feel this way. It’s a FEELING that I’m having…not a way that I am treating him.

 

[KostyaJMJ]

I don’t think she’s speaking of a movie that just so happened to have sex/nudity in it. Though I could be wrong. But it sounds like it was a little bit more than that.

And the fact that her husband rented that movie specifically when she wasn’t home and kept it secret should tell you something about the movie as well.

You are right in saying that we should not expect perfection from our spouses. But we SHOULD expect fidelity, 100%.

That is why I ask what movie it was. To my parents, for example, anything that isn’t “The Bells of St Mary’s” or “The Song of Bernadette” is an inappropriate movie. There is a world of difference between a good movie with some sexually explicit material, say “Y Tu Mamá También”, and a movie that is just an attempt to push the boundaries of decency. And even if he did rent “Zombie Bikini Babes from Mars” it’s hardly a good idea to forever infantilize him for one lapse.

 

[Christina79]

I agree that the fast forwarding is silly. But at the same time she does seem to have legitimate reasons not to trust him. Which is why I suggested getting some counseling from a priest to help with both her husband’s lust issues AND her trust issues. But they have to be done simultaneously.

Why is it silly? I’m talking about fast forwarding through the parts of a movie that show only true nudity or acts of sex.

 

[Speedypizza]

Just an idea I heard a lady at my Church say she did to control what was on the TV. She got a large statue of the Blessed Mother and put it on the TV set. That way she would always turn off anything bad because she did not want to offend Mary.

I put Mary on my background on my computer for that reason. Keeps me in line!

 

[grandfather]

Well…when I mentioned the movie that was inappropriate, there is a reason I called it inappropriate; and that is because it had enough sex in it to be considered porn. I just don’t particularly like accusing my husband so harshly, especially since it is NOT a problem I have seen in him much.

You assume that I’m just wanting to play mother hen? You think it is wrong to request my husband to avoid movies with sex in them? I do not force him to give me the controller when we watch movies containing sexuality or nudity. And, FYI, my issue with the anger is actually more aimed toward the TV industry and the people parading their skimpily clothed bodies around for everyone to see.

Why watch these movies anyway, at all? Is the nonsexual content that edifying and beneficial? What else might we spend our time doing? Whatever we do either moves us toward God and holiness, or away. What is it about the imaginations of movie writers and producers that seems so magnetic to suck our whole culture into stupid fantasies of strange minds played out on the screen? What is it about the terribly broken lives of the actors and actresses that play make believe on the stage that makes them so fascinating that everyone seems to worship them?

I really don’t get it. I am not normal in my own culture. I never have been able to sit through movies. They are all boring. I would much rather see what goes on behind my eyeballs than in front of them. The only time I am exposed to movies is on an airplane. Most of the passengers seem totally entranced. It gives me the creeps.

Entertainment in our morally corrupt culture is morally corrupt and corrupting. It is not just the licivious matter. The whole thing is a mess and destroys souls. Wake up.

Your husband having you run the fast forward says he knows there is danger there and maybe he does not trust himself. We are all drawn to the prurient. We have fallen natures and try to live above them. Sometimes we fail. Don’t be angry at him. Pray for him. Husbands and wives help one another on the way to heaven and we are all fallen in some way. If the worst case played out and he became addicted to porn he is still the father of your children forever. Our desire for one another’s good realizing we are all fallen has to be stronger than any reaction to any failures of others.

Blessed are the merciful for mercy shall be theirs. God is merciful to us, because He loves us and pities us. If we can see others in God’s eyes we pity the fallen and extend mercy to them. Every saint confesses he or she is sinful and in need of mercy. Your husband is no different and neither are you whatever either of your sins are.

Stop being angry. You are right that this or that is wrong, but anger is not going to fix anything. Love will.

 

[Catholic90]

I don’t think she’s speaking of a movie that just so happened to have sex/nudity in it. Though I could be wrong. But it sounds like it was a little bit more than that.

And the fact that her husband rented that movie specifically when she wasn’t home and kept it secret should tell you something about the movie as well.

You are right in saying that we should not expect perfection from our spouses. But we SHOULD expect fidelity, 100%.

She was gone, so he rented a movie. Do we know what this movie was? He was not hiding it from her. She found the receipt. Nothing says he hid it!

Was it an X rated movie? Or an R rated movie?

So if she is not home, her DH should stare at a bare wall? Twiddle his thumbs? Pray the rosary until she returns home?

If it was an R rated movie, I think everyone needs to relax.

If it was an X rated movie - are there still places that actually RENT X rated movies?

 

[Debora123]

Why is it silly? I’m talking about fast forwarding through the parts of a movie that show only true nudity or acts of sex.

It seems a bit silly to me because that’s what my mom used to do with us when I was little and watching a movie with her. It also seems silly because your husband is a grown man and he should be perfectly capable of handling such scenes in a movie, especially if he has his wife by his side.

But at the same time, I can see where you’re coming from because he has betrayed your trust.

As I’ve stated, 2 things need to happen:

1. He needs to work on his purity of heart
2. You need to work on your trust

… But those things need to be worked on simultaneously because each is dependent of the other.

Ideally, you’d like to get to the point where you don’t have to fast forward those parts when you watch movies with him. Both because he is able to see those scenes without being tempted, and because you trust him to do so.

 

[Debora123]

She was gone, so he rented a movie. Do we know what this movie was? He was not hiding it from her. She found the receipt. Nothing says he hid it!

Was it an X rated movie? Or an R rated movie?

So if she is not home, her DH should stare at a bare wall? Twiddle his thumbs? Pray the rosary until she returns home?

If it was an R rated movie, I think everyone needs to relax.

If it was an X rated movie - are there still places that actually RENT X rated movies?

Hey, I’m just taking the OP’s word for it that it WAS an inappropriate movie:

I believe I am capable of knowing that this movie IS off limits for any mature adult or otherwise. It contained very graphic sex and with incestual/multiple partner filth throughout the whole movie.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

OP, I think you need to sit down with your husband and discuss how you want your sons to grow up. They are at an age where they are very easily influenced by what they see around them. It’s great that they turn their heads away without any specific direction, but it’s time for your husband to step up and start training them up in the way they should grow, when it comes to the way they view women. Doing nothing will cause a void which can easily be filled by fascination and porn later on. Your husband needs to recognize that women aren’t objects, even if our society tries to sell them like commodities. Time for him to grow up a little himself, stop sneaking naughty movies, stop giving YOU the controller like a little boy, and start taking control of how his sons grow up to either respect women or treat them like things.

You both need to agree on proper boundaries. He is an adult and should not be treated as a child. He needs to agree to remove the TV before it is removed. If he does not agree, then you must work out some sort of way to censor the TV so your sons don’t end up seeing a LOT more than they should.



p.s. If he is from a Latin culture, he’s doing darn well with what he’s been doing! I know **exactly **what you mean about the Spanish-language TV shows!

 

[ringil]

As I’ve gotten older I just find sex scenes in books, TV, and movies annoying more than anything. This even stands apart from my religiosity. I just find it cheesey. . . . .

In books it’s the worst though. . . . But then I can skip ahead.

 

[BOSS10L]

Sounds to me like someone needs to see a therapist about inadequacy issues.

 

[bmullins]

Trust is vital to your relationship. Trust has to be built and you both have to work on it. You have to find the ability to trust him, and he has to show by his actions that he is trust worthy. Work on it together. Have a conversation with him and make sure he knows you want to develop the trust. Be honest. Be kind. Be love. When something bothers you on TV don’t assume he is lusting over it. Especially if he has given you the remote. That shows a great deal of love on his part. To let you guide what he sees so that you are comfortable.