How do I control my jealousy/anger over the indecency on TV...and my worries of it affecting my husband?

[BlueEyedLady]

You really should tell us what movie he rented. Was it porn, or just a movie with a lot of adult content? Black Dahlia comes to mind as a very sexual movie that has a lot going for it otherwise.

People are always shocked to find this out about me since I’m not religious, but porn is a complete deal-breaker for me. Its none of my business what other men do, but mine will not go outside of our relationship for sexual satisfaction, and if he does, that’s a betrayal that I can’t live with. Interestingly enough, although I’ve never had a man agree with me that porn is hurtful, both of the men I’ve been involved with seriously were fine giving it up because it was a small price to pay to protect my feelings. Disagreeing with me but still being able to understand where I’m coming from and being willing to give it up no problem is so meaningful to me, and shows a lot of character.

As far as commercials go, you have to calm down. It seems that your husband is doing everything he can to honor you and your feelings, but that doesn’t seem to be enough. Is it that you feel that you don’t measure up to scantily clad models? If that’s the case you need to 1. Realize that your husband is showing a lot of dedication to you, and that clearly those models don’t matter to him, and 2. Get counseling, because your insecurity goes beyond the bounds of normal and will only eat at you and your relationship.

You don’t have the right to monitor what movies your husband watches. That has to stop or he will resent you. And lets be honest, Angelina Jolie is beautiful. You know that and so does your husband, but he loves you and is focusing on you. When you get jealous and controlling like this you are telling your husband that he’s a liar when he says you’re the only one for him, and you’re insulting his character and self-control.

 

[Christina79]

She was gone, so he rented a movie. Do we know what this movie was? He was not hiding it from her. She found the receipt. Nothing says he hid it!

Was it an X rated movie? Or an R rated movie?

So if she is not home, her DH should stare at a bare wall? Twiddle his thumbs? Pray the rosary until she returns home?

If it was an R rated movie, I think everyone needs to relax.

If it was an X rated movie - are there still places that actually RENT X rated movies?

Well, he certainly didn’t tell me about it either. It was an N-17 movie.

Why so much sarcasm? I never suggested that he should not have rented a movie or that he should “pray the rosary” until I came home. But, that is a far leap from those things you mentioned to watching a movie that is ALL about exploring ones sexuality with their own brother and having multiple partners during the same sexual act…and at that, in numerous scenes.

And, yes, there are most definitely places that still rent x rated movies. A nice little “family oriented” video store. Ha! Family Video

I’m really a little shocked that it could be thought to be morally acceptable to watch a sex scene. So, it would also be morally acceptable to go to a live sex show? Ok…well, as long as it’s behind a “glass window” then…right?

Why watch these movies anyway, at all? Is the nonsexual content that edifying and beneficial? What else might we spend our time doing? Whatever we do either moves us toward God and holiness, or away. What is it about the imaginations of movie writers and producers that seems so magnetic to suck our whole culture into stupid fantasies of strange minds played out on the screen? What is it about the terribly broken lives of the actors and actresses that play make believe on the stage that makes them so fascinating that everyone seems to worship them?

I really don’t get it. I am not normal in my own culture. I never have been able to sit through movies. They are all boring. I would much rather see what goes on behind my eyeballs than in front of them. The only time I am exposed to movies is on an airplane. Most of the passengers seem totally entranced. It gives me the creeps.

Entertainment in our morally corrupt culture is morally corrupt and corrupting. It is not just the licivious matter. The whole thing is a mess and destroys souls. Wake up.

Your husband having you run the fast forward says he knows there is danger there and maybe he does not trust himself. We are all drawn to the prurient. We have fallen natures and try to live above them. Sometimes we fail. Don’t be angry at him. Pray for him. Husbands and wives help one another on the way to heaven and we are all fallen in some way. If the worst case played out and he became addicted to porn he is still the father of your children forever. Our desire for one another’s good realizing we are all fallen has to be stronger than any reaction to any failures of others.

Blessed are the merciful for mercy shall be theirs. God is merciful to us, because He loves us and pities us. If we can see others in God’s eyes we pity the fallen and extend mercy to them. Every saint confesses he or she is sinful and in need of mercy. Your husband is no different and neither are you whatever either of your sins are.

Stop being angry. You are right that this or that is wrong, but anger is not going to fix anything. Love will.

I agree with you grandfather; but unless my husband is in agreement with me about not watching these movies, what else am I to do? Pray, most definitely…but what else can I do to encourage more edifying attitudes in my home? I’ve thought it might be better to just not participate in the movies altogether, if they bother me; but I do enjoy an occasional movie. Of course, it is difficult to go in the other room knowing that the movie contains nudity and just HOPING that my husband’s mind will stay pure.

What rights do you think I have as a mother to enforce that my children’s television watching is limited, when my husband watches way more than I prefer…a few hours a day. And he does like watching cartoons too; so, of course the children want to be in there watching too. The creepy, entrancement that you mentioned, does frighten me; and how it can warp a person’s ideas of reality, so quickly.

Plus, as you said, it is such a waste of the precious time that we have on earth to be doing the work of the Lord. It really saddens me. You are very right about love being the remedy, instead of anger. I’m just not sure how to turn it over to love. I suppose I should feel pity on those who are flaunting their bodies instead of anger, or those who control the TV industry because of their love of money. I am guilty of allowing the anger to control me and falling into the trap, by allowing myself to become so consumed by it that I have wasted my own time fretting over the situation; when I should be using my time to spread love. Please pray that I might find more opportunities to demonstrate love, and know how to do it well; and also that I will stop wasting my time, and be a better mother and wife.

 

[Catholic90]

No one here on this thread mentioned live sex shows.

Is this something he is doing? If so, then there are problems.

You need to have a heart to heart talk with him. Do not treat him like a child. Where is he coming from?

 

[BlueEyedLady]

You’re so all over the place here. What is this thread about? Sexy models in commercials or emotional infidelity and trust issues?

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

I don’t think she’s speaking of a movie that just so happened to have sex/nudity in it. Though I could be wrong. But it sounds like it was a little bit more than that.

And the fact that her husband rented that movie specifically when she wasn’t home and kept it secret should tell you something about the movie as well.
You are right in saying that we should not expect perfection from our spouses. But we SHOULD expect fidelity, 100%.

This might not have much to do with the scenario in the op, but men don’t like to be nagged, so they might keep things “private” to avoid the nagging.

 

[Christina79]

OP, I think you need to sit down with your husband and discuss how you want your sons to grow up. They are at an age where they are very easily influenced by what they see around them. It’s great that they turn their heads away without any specific direction, but it’s time for your husband to step up and start training them up in the way they should grow, when it comes to the way they view women. Doing nothing will cause a void which can easily be filled by fascination and porn later on. Your husband needs to recognize that women aren’t objects, even if our society tries to sell them like commodities. Time for him to grow up a little himself, stop sneaking naughty movies, stop giving YOU the controller like a little boy, and start taking control of how his sons grow up to either respect women or treat them like things.

You both need to agree on proper boundaries. He is an adult and should not be treated as a child. He needs to agree to remove the TV before it is removed. If he does not agree, then you must work out some sort of way to censor the TV so your sons don’t end up seeing a LOT more than they should.



p.s. If he is from a Latin culture, he’s doing darn well with what he’s been doing! I know **exactly **what you mean about the Spanish-language TV shows!

I am very proud of him for being so much better controlled in this area than many Latino’s are. :yup:
And, the music too! So much of it is all about lusting, and cheating, and lying. :dts:

So, to those who said that I’m controlling. HOW exactly am I being controlling? I’m talking about what I would LIKE to happen…not that it does or that I try forcing him to follow my orders… Just because I have talked with him about how I feel toward these things, and sometimes make fun of the commercials (trying to lighten up my own anger), and requested that we not get movies with much sexuality in them (though it hasn’t always happened)…how does that mean that I’m controlling? He knows how I feel and so he tries to respect my feelings in those things. I really do appreciate that. We check a lot of the movies beforehand, online at KidsInMind.com. They score, based on sexuality, violence, and profanity and review movies; so one who IS conscientious about what they view can determine if it is worth watching. But, TV is getting such much worse than it used to be…IMHO.

I don’t see the point in giving the title of the movie. Bad is bad enough. In any case…since it has been asked several times…the movie is “The Dreamers”. I would think that it should be enough to know that it includes numerous, graphic sex scenes of two lovers with one woman…the one lover being the woman’s own brother. He did tell me that the movie really wasn’t very interesting to him…it was more out of curiosity that he finished watching the movie.

 

[Christina79]

You’re so all over the place here. What is this thread about? Sexy models in commercials or emotional infidelity and trust issues?

Umm…yes…it’s about what the title of the thread says. I’m wanting to learn ways to “control my jealousy/anger”. I’m jealous of the sexy models showing off in front of my husband (and yes, this has to do with some insecurity issues of my own…I know). And, NO, I’m not talking about just commercials. That was just one example I was giving of a thing that seems like it should not have ANYTHING at all to do with sex. I was just explaining that it makes me angry that everything, even a shampoo commercial, has to be SO sexual.

No one here on this thread mentioned live sex shows.

Is this something he is doing? If so, then there are problems.

You need to have a heart to heart talk with him. Do not treat him like a child. Where is he coming from?

No, no one mentioned live sex shows…some have mentioned that sex scenes should not need to be fast forwarded in movies. I was asking what the difference is. Would those people also think it is morally acceptable…and what is the difference when you just put a glass window (or screen) in front of the act?

NO, my husband is not doing that.

Why do you think I’m treating him like a child? I’m talking about my FEELINGS toward the indecency on TV.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

My problem isn’t that you’re controlling, its that he’s doing everything he can to make you comfortable and happy, and to protect your feelings and you still want more, though you haven’t articulated what that is. You aren’t giving your husband any credit, and it seems like most of the problem is your insecurity.

As for that movie, it was one lapse in judgment, let it go. It could very well have been out of curiosity rather than lust. I know I’ve gotten sucked in to a shock movie or two just out of curiosity from everyone talking about it. It doesn’t make it right, but its not something that needs to be thrown in his face. You made your feelings clear, now move on.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

You both need to agree on proper boundaries. He is an adult and should not be treated as a child. He needs to agree to remove the TV before it is removed. If he does not agree, then you must work out some sort of way to censor the TV so your sons don’t end up seeing a LOT more than they should.

In one sentence you say that he’s an adult and should be treated as such and in the next you say that he has to agree to get rid of the TV and if he doesn’t she should remove it herself???

No, they are married, and he has equal say. If anyone treated me like that our relationship would never be the same. I’m sorry, but she’s upset about shampoo commercials. I don’t know what boundaries you want him to set when her insecurity is that bad. She needs to work on herself so that she can be in a position to really distinguish between annoying and completely unacceptable.

 

[Christina79]

My problem isn’t that you’re controlling, its that he’s doing everything he can to make you comfortable and happy, and to protect your feelings and you still want more, though you haven’t articulated what that is. You aren’t giving your husband any credit, and it seems like most of the problem is your insecurity.

As for that movie, it was one lapse in judgment, let it go. It could very well have been out of curiosity rather than lust. I know I’ve gotten sucked in to a shock movie or two just out of curiosity from everyone talking about it. It doesn’t make it right, but its not something that needs to be thrown in his face. You made your feelings clear, now move on.

I brought up the movie only because someone asked if he had done anything to cause me not to trust him. I can’t mention everything he’s done that has caused me not to trust him, but I did mention two things. It’s not like he’s always lying to me, but it’s not as big a deal to him, as it is to me, to be completely honest.

I have given him credit for trying to be respectful toward my feelings. And, yes, the issue here IS about my feelings and insecurity; which is why I was asking for help on HOW I can “control my jealousy/anger” over all the sexuality on TV.

I don’t keep throwing it in his face. I said that it came up a few times…like during talks about other things that involve trust issues and things related. So, he lied to me about it and I wanted to figure out what the real truth was. I have been sucked into these kinds of things too, out of curiosity; and I did say that before too. I’m not trying to make the issue about what my husband has or hasn’t done…it’s about my feelings and how I can learn to get over the jealousy and anger toward the people on TV.

 

[bmullins]

I brought up the movie only because someone asked if he had done anything to cause me not to trust him. I can’t mention everything he’s done that has caused me not to trust him, but I did mention two things. It’s not like he’s always lying to me, but it’s not as big a deal to him, as it is to me, to be completely honest.

I have given him credit for trying to be respectful toward my feelings. And, yes, the issue here IS about my feelings and insecurity; which is why I was asking for help on HOW I can “control my jealousy/anger” over all the sexuality on TV.

I don’t keep throwing it in his face. I said that it came up a few times…like during talks about other things that involve trust issues and things related. So, he lied to me about it and I wanted to figure out what the real truth was. I have been sucked into these kinds of things too, out of curiosity; and I did say that before too. I’m not trying to make the issue about what my husband has or hasn’t done…it’s about my feelings and how I can learn to get over the jealousy and anger toward the people on TV.

What then would it take for your husband to gain your trust? Have you asked yourself what it is you want him to do to prove his fidelity? I know from experience that if you treat someone like you can’t trust them, eventually they’ll feel there is no point in trying to be trust worthy. Get to the very root of the problem.

My wife really enjoys seeing Karl Urban on the screen. She thinks he’s a very handsome and attractive man. I don’t have a problem with her seeing movies that he is in. She’s very honest about it, and I’m very honest. I even tease her when we are watching a movie and he comes up (Oh! Now I know why you wanted to see this one!) I trust her completely. I trust that she can think someone is attractive, and not want to cheat on me. I also keep that trust in tact by never hiding anything from her. We share all details of our lives together, day in and day out.

The issue here is not him lusting. It’s not sex on TV. As far as we know from the examples given, he didn’t lust at a commercial… but you immediately assumed he would. You don’t want to leave the room because you’re afraid he’s gonna see something on TV that will entice him away. At some point you have to realize the issue at hand is simply trust. You have to learn to trust him. You can’t live your life thinking you aren’t worth his love. If he didn’t love you, he wouldn’t have married you. You have to come to terms with his right to keep choosing you, and that just because he sees it, doesn’t mean he’ll want it.

If I’m watching TV and something comes on that bothers me sexually, I turn the channel or turn my head. If a commercial is too much, I don’t watch it. Make sure you’re being fair to him in all this.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

COUNSELING! Your feelings of insecurity are out of control if you feel that angry and jealous of people in commercials. That self-esteem issue will hurt you, your husband, your marriage, and your sons far more than a pretty face and firm body on TV will.

Do you also feel angry and jealous when you see a sexy woman in the mall? Yes, other women are attractive, and yes I promise that your husband notices that. But he ignores it and focuses on you because he loves and is committed to you. If you don’t get this under control he will be hurt. This insecurity will ultimately tell him that you don’t trust him or acknowledge how hard he tries.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

What then would it take for your husband to gain your trust? Have you asked yourself what it is you want him to do to prove his fidelity? I know from experience that if you treat someone like you can’t trust them, eventually they’ll feel there is no point in trying to be trust worthy. Get to the very root of the problem.

My wife really enjoys seeing Karl Urban on the screen. She thinks he’s a very handsome and attractive man. I don’t have a problem with her seeing movies that he is in. She’s very honest about it, and I’m very honest. I even tease her when we are watching a movie and he comes up (Oh! Now I know why you wanted to see this one!) I trust her completely. I trust that she can think someone is attractive, and not want to cheat on me. I also keep that trust in tact by never hiding anything from her. We share all details of our lives together, day in and day out.

The issue here is not him lusting. It’s not sex on TV. As far as we know from the examples given, he didn’t lust at a commercial… but you immediately assumed he would. You don’t want to leave the room because you’re afraid he’s gonna see something on TV that will entice him away. At some point you have to realize the issue at hand is simply trust. You have to learn to trust him. You can’t live your life thinking you aren’t worth his love. If he didn’t love you, he wouldn’t have married you. You have to come to terms with his right to keep choosing you, and that just because he sees it, doesn’t mean he’ll want it.

If I’m watching TV and something comes on that bothers me sexually, I turn the channel or turn my head. If a commercial is too much, I don’t watch it. Make sure you’re being fair to him in all this.

This is PERFECT! Although I’m afraid that there is nothing her husband can do to earn her trust. This issue seems to be hers.

 

[Christina79]

NO, I am not upset about A SHAMPOO COMMERCIAL. How many times do I have to explain that it was just ONE example of something that has NOTHING to do with sex, but the TV industry turns even that into something sexual. I’m upset with the TV industry making everything sexual and the women who flaunt everything they’ve got on it!!! :hypno:

You both need to agree on proper boundaries. He is an adult and should not be treated as a child. He needs to agree to remove the TV before it is removed. If he does not agree, then you must work out some sort of way to censor the TV so your sons don’t end up seeing a LOT more than they should.

Sorry, I the whole comment. This was actually the one part I did not agree with. I will NOT force him to get it out of the house.

In one sentence you say that he’s an adult and should be treated as such and in the next you say that he has to agree to get rid of the TV and if he doesn’t she should remove it herself???

No, they are married, and he has equal say. If anyone treated me like that our relationship would never be the same. I’m sorry, but she’s upset about shampoo commercials. I don’t know what boundaries you want him to set when her insecurity is that bad. She needs to work on herself so that she can be in a position to really distinguish between annoying and completely unacceptable.

So, like I said, this is NOT about the commercial…it’s about EVERYTHING on TV being sexualized…EVEN a commercial that has NOTHING to do with sex. I DO know the difference between annoying and completely unacceptable. :doh2:

 

[George_Stegmeir]

Yes, there are a few instances…not many. One night while I was visiting my brother and his family, my husband decided to rent an inappropriate movie, which I happened to find the rental receipt for. He thought I had been checking up on him when I found it, but it was just laying in the car. Then, whenever this topic did come up, he would get very upset at me for “constantly bringing the same thing up”…although it’s not often really. There were some differences in what he had said about it, so it came up again a few times to clarify the changes to the story. He said he didn’t even finish watching it…and other times he said “of course, I did”. He has been known to just say whatever he feels will end the discussion more quickly. So, YES, I do have some trust issues. I do believe he means well most of the time, but he is NOT good at communicating and hates being confronted.

Since we got a DVR, he has tried, more often than not, to fast forward the commercials (which tend to be the worst offenders) and change the channel when inappropriate material does come on. We had made a deal not to rent any movies that have sexual material, but that has waned. Now, it just tends to get fast forwarded…and if a movie does have sexual content, he gives me the controller. Not that it really changes the fact that many women will still be indecently clothed throughout the movies.

Another time, I found a very small “girly” calendar in the car, that he was given by a mechanic. I asked him why he couldn’t have just told the mechanic that he wasn’t interested in his free calendar?

But, for the most part, he is pretty good in this area…I think. And, BTW, the shows in Spanish (his native language) are many times filled with even more indecency on the most common programs.

And no, I myself am not free of guilt in this area either. I have run into things that I should not look at and even looked up some things, wanting to find ways to be more attractive to my husband; and found things I didn’t really want to see, in the meantime. I don’t believe my issue is about lust in any way, though I have been trying harder now to stay away from searches that could cause me to “run into” inappropriate material. And I hold honesty VERY high, and tell me husband without reserve if I have done wrong and watched something I should not have watched.

This is what I long for most in our relationship…complete and total honesty. It would be so much easier to let the past issues go if I did know I could trust him to be completely honest about it. And my trust issues are NOT all due to my husband. There are several issues from my childhood that have caused me trouble with trust and insecurity too.

Yes, I agree…there are WAY too many to list. My reference to the commercial was just one of many that could be mentioned. And it’s in NO way just the commercials that anger me.

This one commercial in particular was just one of three commercials with Jennifer Lopez which were all out at the same time.



Yes, I would be pretty happy if the TV were not a major pastime here or gone altogether; but I do need another way around this without treating my husband like a child.

I firmly believe you should be discussing this with your confessor. If you don’t have a confessor who you regularly go to, make an appointment with one of your parish priests, and discuss this matter with him. You can do it under the seal of the confessional if you want. It will calm your mind and give you a world of peace in coping with this problem.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Look, TV isn’t going to get any better. All you can do is get help to feel better about yourself and build your trust with your husband.

 

[Christina79]

What then would it take for your husband to gain your trust? Have you asked yourself what it is you want him to do to prove his fidelity? I know from experience that if you treat someone like you can’t trust them, eventually they’ll feel there is no point in trying to be trust worthy. Get to the very root of the problem.

My wife really enjoys seeing Karl Urban on the screen. She thinks he’s a very handsome and attractive man. I don’t have a problem with her seeing movies that he is in. She’s very honest about it, and I’m very honest. I even tease her when we are watching a movie and he comes up (Oh! Now I know why you wanted to see this one!) I trust her completely. I trust that she can think someone is attractive, and not want to cheat on me. I also keep that trust in tact by never hiding anything from her. We share all details of our lives together, day in and day out.

The issue here is not him lusting. It’s not sex on TV. As far as we know from the examples given, he didn’t lust at a commercial… but you immediately assumed he would. You don’t want to leave the room because you’re afraid he’s gonna see something on TV that will entice him away. At some point you have to realize the issue at hand is simply trust. You have to learn to trust him. You can’t live your life thinking you aren’t worth his love. If he didn’t love you, he wouldn’t have married you. You have to come to terms with his right to keep choosing you, and that just because he sees it, doesn’t mean he’ll want it.

If I’m watching TV and something comes on that bothers me sexually, I turn the channel or turn my head. If a commercial is too much, I don’t watch it. Make sure you’re being fair to him in all this.

Yes, I want him to be totally honest with me, like you mention that you do with your wife. If I tease my husband like you say you do with your wife, it makes him mad. And, like I said, this is NOT about the commercial. It’s about almost everything on TV being sexualized. And, I didn’t say that I assumed he was lusting. I said that it worries me that it COULD cause him to lust…not that I think he is lusting.

Wow…this is getting frustrating. Ok…so maybe I should start a thread about trust issues, since that is probably the ROOT problem.

Those here that keep assuming that I’m being controlling or not trusting…well, you don’t know all the details and I’m not planning on sharing everything. It would be nice if someone who is accusing me of being controlling would actually say how I’m controlling. It’s not like I’m telling him to turn off the TV or anything. I only wanted advice on how to stop being angry toward the indecency.

Thank you to all who were NON-judgmental and offered loving advice.

 

[Christina79]

Look, TV isn’t going to get any better. All you can do is get help to feel better about yourself and build your trust with your husband.

I firmly believe you should be discussing this with your confessor. If you don’t have a confessor who you regularly go to, make an appointment with one of your parish priests, and discuss this matter with him. You can do it under the seal of the confessional if you want. It will calm your mind and give you a world of peace in coping with this problem.

Thank you.

 

[Castello]

The OPs husband rented a soft-core porn flick, sure she has reason to be upset by that. I’d really suggest working with your husband to set some house rules and learning to be on the same page with that sort of thing. Have you looked into Retrouvaille?

 

[edwest2]

This isn’t about power or control or even trust.

First, learn what the Church teaches about modesty, lust, human decency and the media.

Second, communicate with your husband. You are in a partnership and are meant to share your thoughts and feelings and to help each other grow in holiness. Find out why he watches what he watches. Tell him about Church teaching and how it applies to both of you and any children in the house.

Slowly, over the years, we have been deceived into believing that adults can handle “mature” or “adult” content. If I was told a sin was a sin as a boy, it’s still a sin even if I’m over 18 or 21, and it’s still a sin even if we all live in the 21st Century.

One way we are deceived is allowing the world to give us the wrong words to help us think certain things are not what they really are:

Adult Entertainment - Porn
Adult Language - Profanity
Adult Situations - Sexual Situations
Exotic Dancer - Stripper

Sure, you can turn the TV off. There is very little that’s worth watching, but of what there is, consider its contents with discernment.

This sort of behavior is often habitual. You get home from work and turn on the TV or you’re bored and you turn on the TV. Find things to do together that do not involve sin and indecency. My family used to go to the park on Sunday. We’d visit friends at their homes. The only major difference between then and now? Television reflected our values. For the most part, it no longer does.

Peace,
Ed