how do i deal with gay cousin/his boyfriend during Thanksgiving dinner?

[Cricket2]

He will show up with his boyfriend at my moms house for Thanksgiving. A few weeks ago, my cousin announced during dinner, without any shame, that he and his boyfriend just had 1 yr anniversary being together. Nobody responded to him. I wanted to say something but didn’t want to cause a scene. However, with the boyfriend present at a family gathering I feel that silence is not the way to go. If they bring up the topic of their relationship I feel that I should counter with my beliefs on the matter. (My cousin no longer attends Mass). How would you handle this situation?

Things not to talk about during the Holidays include Politics and Religion. Keep this discussion between you and your cousin and let it rest. Holiday gatherings are not the place to address these issues.

 

[Ridgerunner]

If the mom is rude for trying to include everyone on thanksgiving, regardless of their sins, then I’m rude for inviting my oldest niece and her partner to my wedding, where there were many catholics in attendance.

Oh, we’re all sinners, Blue. It isn’t that. It’s the parading of it that the OP should not endorse, any more than she should endorse any other scandalous behavior. Should she attend a friend’s party at a strip club? Her doing so would be endorsing the behavior and, therefore, be scandalous as well as offensive to her.

Whether you were rude in your invitation would depend on the circumstance. But you’re an atheist, so I would not expect you to think Catholics in attendance had any basis for being scandalized.

 

[Mrs_Sally]

Are you close to this cousin? Do you see him at times other than large family gatherings?

I ask because what has been happening during the past year when he’s been going out with this other man? Have there been no opportunities then to speak to him about living a chaste life? The difference between temptation/attraction and action/sin?

If you don’t normally see this cousin, than try to turn the converation if they start talking about their new house/wedding plans/etc.

If you see this cousin more regularly, than find other opportunities to speak to him lovingly about his choices and to encourage him to return to the Church.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Oh, we’re all sinners, Blue. It isn’t that. It’s the parading of it that the OP should not endorse, any more than she should endorse any other scandalous behavior. Should she attend a friend’s party at a strip club? Her doing so would be endorsing the behavior and, therefore, be scandalous as well as offensive to her.

Whether you were rude in your invitation would depend on the circumstance. But you’re an atheist, so I would not expect you to think Catholics in attendance had any basis for being scandalized.

So I should have not invited my husband’s family? Because my niece has no problem celebrating my marriage with catholics, so if someone had to be excluded it would have been my husband’s entire immediate and extended family. I think his family would have thought it more rude of us not to invite them to see their son wed.

It is never rude to extend an invitation. But it is rude to take offense to one that has been extended in good will.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

Oh, we’re all sinners, Blue. It isn’t that. It’s the parading of it that the OP should not endorse, any more than she should endorse any other scandalous behavior. Should she attend a friend’s party at a strip club? Her doing so would be endorsing the behavior and, therefore, be scandalous as well as offensive to her.

Whether you were rude in your invitation would depend on the circumstance. But you’re an atheist, so I would not expect you to think Catholics in attendance had any basis for being scandalized.

I’m Catholic. I wouldn’t go to the birthday party at the strip club, but I don’t think attending a family gathering, that has gay people, is parading sinful behavior. Most families are dysfunctional, with a bunch of sinners in them.
I have family members who do things that I don’t condone. In the eyes of the church, they are committing mortal sin, that doesn’t mean that I’m not going to be happy to see them at the family function. I’m going to hangout with them and have a good time with my family. Why? Because no matter what they do, they are my family and I love them.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I’m Catholic. I wouldn’t go to the birthday party at the strip club, but I don’t think attending a family gathering, that has gay people, is parading sinful behavior. Most families are dysfunctional, with a bunch of sinners in them.
I have family members who do things that I don’t condone. In the eyes of the church, they are committing mortal sin, that doesn’t mean that I’m not going to be happy to see them at the family function. I’m going to hangout with them and have a good time with my family. Why? Because no matter what they do, they are my family and I love them.

Perfectly said!!!

 

[Mrs_Sally]

This type of conversation always needs to consider that an extended family gathering could easily include any number of obviously sinful people - the sil living with her boyfriend, the uncle who grabs the neices, etc. A gay couple will stand out more, but as RidgeRunner says, ‘we are all sinners.’ And sexual sin unfortunately comes in many variations most of which are apparent (the married and contracepting couple being the exception, unless they choose to talk about it over the mashed potatoes and gravy).

 

[Ridgerunner]

So I should have not invited my husband’s family? Because my niece has no problem celebrating my marriage with catholics, so if someone had to be excluded it would have been my husband’s entire immediate and extended family. I think his family would have thought it more rude of us not to invite them to see their son wed.

It is never rude to extend an invitation. But it is rude to take offense to one that has been extended in good will.

Congratulations on your marksmanship! You shot the straw man right between the eyes!

I never said anything about inviting your husband’s family. I said it would depend on the circumstance. And no, I really don’t care to know about it, either. That’s not the topic.

“It is never rude to extend an invitation” Do you really believe that the way you said it? Never, no matter what the invitation is to?

 

[Ridgerunner]

I’m Catholic. I wouldn’t go to the birthday party at the strip club, but I don’t think attending a family gathering, that has gay people, is parading sinful behavior. Most families are dysfunctional, with a bunch of sinners in them.
I have family members who do things that I don’t condone. In the eyes of the church, they are committing mortal sin, that doesn’t mean that I’m not going to be happy to see them at the family function. I’m going to hangout with them and have a good time with my family. Why? Because no matter what they do, they are my family and I love them.

I didn’t say attending such a gathering is, itself, parading sinful behavior. The cousin, however, is. In showing up with his boyfriend, he’s parading sin as surely as if he committed some sexual act at the table. No one is obliged to accept that.

Nor did I ever say that one should avoid family members who sin. Everybody sins. That’s not the issue. The questions are whether the OP feels the situation (which only she knows in detail) is troubling to her, and whether children (especially her own) are going to be there if she goes.

The cousin’s bringing his boyfriend is scandalous. No way around that. The OP may feel herself unaffected by it. She has no right to subject children to scandal, nor should she endorse, by her presence, scandal to others.

 

[Ridgerunner]

Have to go now. Be of good cheer!

 

[Catholic1954]

He will show up with his boyfriend at my moms house for Thanksgiving. A few weeks ago, my cousin announced during dinner, without any shame, that he and his boyfriend just had 1 yr anniversary being together. Nobody responded to him. I wanted to say something but didn’t want to cause a scene. However, with the boyfriend present at a family gathering I feel that silence is not the way to go. If they bring up the topic of their relationship I feel that I should counter with my beliefs on the matter. (My cousin no longer attends Mass). How would you handle this situation?

I would treat them with respect and good manners, just like any other guest in your mother’s home.

 

[EasterJoy]

Do I remain silent if they show some degree of affection (is, hand holding, kiss at the table)? After all kids will be present. What if they begin to discuss their relationship, plans of a gay wedding, etc? If such topics are brought up, someone will have to engage in conversation. Silence could be seen by them as a type of approval for their behavior…I agree that Thanksgiving is not the type of venue to cause a scene, since I know a heated argument could easily ensue. There can be a way to express disapproval on my part without causing a scene. Perhaps I can privately talk with my cousin b4 the gathering.

This situation falls in the category of “Do not throw pearls before swine”. There is essentially zero chance that this cousin is going to repent when he is reminded of his moral fault. He is not a sinner who has never heard of moral law, but a brother who has decided to flaunt it. He will instead make it a pretext to take offense and pretend to be the subject of persecution. Don’t even go there. Your only option is to withhold approval. I do not mean withholding approval for them as persons. You ought to show them the same courtesy you would show anyone else. Be as kind and cheerful as if you had no idea they had any moral failings at all, because it is not for you to judge what is not thrust before your with a demand for judgment. If they allow you to ignore their immoral choices and let you pretend with them for a day that they are not lovers at all, then do it.

I mean that you do not give approval to anything immoral that you are confronted with. If they do something inappropriate, look away and ignore it, as you would if they made some vulgar comment in the same situation. You avoid a direct confrontation in deference to your hosts, so indirect means are all you have at your disposal. You can imagine how you would act if they tried to provoke you into a fight in some other way. You rise above, and if they elect to wallow below, oh well. If they start talking about a gay wedding and you make no eye contact and have nothing to say, you have not given any tacit approval. You have simply refused to be drawn into a trap.

If you are put on the spot, you may say, “I think it would be better if I don’t comment.” If you are asked what that is supposed to mean, you may say, “I think ‘no comment’ is about as clear as I can possibly be.’” If someone really tries to shove you in a corner and your hosts do not protect you from it, then you excuse yourself and you leave.

 

[Neofight]

There can’t possibly be another thing to add, except to ask, are you serving yams or sweet potatoes?

 

[Linusthe2nd]

He will show up with his boyfriend at my moms house for Thanksgiving. A few weeks ago, my cousin announced during dinner, without any shame, that he and his boyfriend just had 1 yr anniversary being together. Nobody responded to him. I wanted to say something but didn’t want to cause a scene. However, with the boyfriend present at a family gathering I feel that silence is not the way to go. If they bring up the topic of their relationship I feel that I should counter with my beliefs on the matter. (My cousin no longer attends Mass). How would you handle this situation?

I would tell him he is welcome but not to bring his friend. Period. He is testing you. He is saying " me and my friend or neither,. " he is trying to force to to accept the arrangement. Tell your Mom, if they both come, you are leaving.

Linus2nd

 

[LegoGE1947]

Do you have children that you are bringing to Thanksgiving Dinner that are going to be seeing this “couple” together?

Our son in law has a brother who is gay and in a " marriage " relationship. We have a grown son who was living with us last thanksgiving who went with us to daughter’s house. On the way home our son asked us “Were those guys just fooling when they were calling each other ‘honey’, ‘sweetheart’ etc?” We had to explain that they think they are married but they really are not.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I would tell him he is welcome but not to bring his friend. Period. He is testing you. He is saying " me and my friend or neither,. " he is trying to force to to accept the arrangement. Tell your Mom, if they both come, you are leaving.

Linus2nd

Wow. Where do you people get these uncharitable assumptions? For all you know both partners were graciously and warmly invited.

You really think that the OP should try to blackmail his mom into rescinding an invite? Really? That wouldn’t work with my mom, it wouldn’t work with my husband’s mom, and it wouldn’t work with me. How rude and disrespectful to try to manipulate her like that.

Besides, what is so wrong with including gay people on thanksgiving, of all days? What if the cousin’s partner lives far from his family, or worse, doesn’t even have a family? It is an act of kindness to extend your holiday blessings to everyone.

 

[VanSensei]

Couples do not kiss at family gatherings, that’s the polite thing. By just being there, the boyfriend and your cousin are not being scandalous. Be cordial and just go.

And refer to them in proper terms if you DO go. Do not refer to him as just his “friend” because goodness me, that would be just rude

 

[UbiCaritas]

Wow. Where do you people get these uncharitable assumptions? For all you know both partners were graciously and warmly invited.

You really think that the OP should try to blackmail his mom into rescinding an invite? Really? That wouldn’t work with my mom, it wouldn’t work with my husband’s mom, and it wouldn’t work with me. How rude and disrespectful to try to manipulate her like that.

Besides, what is so wrong with including gay people on thanksgiving, of all days? What if the cousin’s partner lives far from his family, or worse, doesn’t even have a family? It is an act of kindness to extend your holiday blessings to everyone.

(Bold added by me for emphasis) Precisely.

To be blunt, the biggest concern here isn’t how any of us feel about homosexual activity. The biggest concern is the immortal souls of the two people in question. They should be shown kindness and charity first because that is our call as Christians and, I might add, the destination of our own souls depends upon our actions, and secondly and not entirely incidentally, because doing so might open doors to bring them to the practice of the faith. Being rude and unkind will certainly not reflect well on us at the last judgment, and I fail to see how it might encourage the people in question to consider what the Church, as represented by us, has to say on the subject.

As for refusing to attend if they attend…really? I could understand this if the people in question were child molesters and you had kids, but I fail to see how–to be facetious and extremely stereotypical for a moment–having someone pass you the cranberry sauce while flicking his wrist is a cause for concern. If I, as a hostess, had someone try that sort of emotional blackmail on me, I would reply, “Fine, thank you for letting me know. I’m sorry you won’t be coming, and I hope you have a good Thanksgiving.”

 

[on_the_hill]

Wow. I tend to be more…moderate, or even liberal around here than most folks are…but this is one time when I say to the OP: I’m glad I’m not in your shoes. I’d have a really hard time handling that. Really hard.

Would I attend? Tough to say. My internal polling right now is showing 87-13 prefer not to go.

I can be socially anxious in some situations, and in this particular on I probably wouldn’t even raise my eyes from my plate.

I know we’re supposed to love the sinner and hate the sin, but in my own mother’s house?

I don’t think I’d go. Sorry, mom. Call me a coward, but I wouldn’t be able to handle the discomfort. Then I’d irrationally feel betrayed by everyone who did go, and end up hating myself for feeling this way.

[my feelings aren’t so much based on the Catholic teaching but more on my own cultural feelings of homophobia]

 

[Bruised_Reed]

I’ll ditto what 1ke said, and add this:

What would saying something about their relationship at Thanksgiving dinner, of all places, accomplish?
(…)

The OP should consider this very seriously.

Indeed? And how does this fit with Christ eating with tax collectors and prostitutes, while being certain–at an appropriate time and place–to tell them to sin no more?

Indeed. Would the OP take the same strong stand with family members who support Planned Parenthood and refuse to have dinner with them?

(Bold added by me for emphasis) Precisely.

To be blunt, the biggest concern here isn’t how any of us feel about homosexual activity. The biggest concern is the immortal souls of the two people in question. They should be shown kindness and charity first because that is our call as Christians and, I might add, the destination of our own souls depends upon our actions, and secondly and not entirely incidentally, because doing so might open doors to bring them to the practice of the faith. Being rude and unkind will certainly not reflect well on us at the last judgment, and I fail to see how it might encourage the people in question to consider what the Church, as represented by us, has to say on the subject.

As for refusing to attend if they attend…really? I could understand this if the people in question were child molesters and you had kids, but I fail to see how–to be facetious and extremely stereotypical for a moment–having someone pass you the cranberry sauce while flicking his wrist is a cause for concern. If I, as a hostess, had someone try that sort of emotional blackmail on me, I would reply, “Fine, thank you for letting me know. I’m sorry you won’t be coming, and I hope you have a good Thanksgiving.”

Threads like these confirm my long held suspicion that Christians take a hard stand on this issue because they know this particular sin (sexual activity with another person of the sex) is the one sin they will never commit and stand righteous and without hypocrisy.