How do I deal with my *Anti-Catholic future in-laws? A RANT

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holymoly

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Warning: kinda sassy, oops. Also. Anti-Catholic may or may not be a strong word… I don’t know how to describe them… ALSO don’t feel bad for not reading. The main question is up there. I thought I’d put this online in case someone was going through something similar and didn’t feel like making an account.

Where do I even begin? I have no idea how to deal with my boyfriend’s parents. Please help.

It all started from 6 months after we started dating. His parents asked if I go to church, and I said I am a Catholic and I go regularly along with youth ministry and helping with retreats.
They went on by asking if I actually like church or if I’m going just because my mom makes me and said stuff along the lines of “Catholicism doesn’t get you close to God. Go to my church. It’s better.” (summarizing without over-dramaticizing and using the words they used and cutting out some). “Oh yeah, you get saved, too.”, “All you do is sit and kneel in mass. No point. You don’t talk about Jesus. Where is the Gospel?” They also said that Catholics get drunk a lot and think Jesus is still dead because we have crucifixes with Jesus nailed on them. Then your typical worshiping saints and Mary talk, oh, and the “we allow witchcraft and pagan practices”. I had to leave the room and come back and explain it all to them because it was so much for my heart to handle. I have heard a lot of made up/ misunderstood Catholic beliefs, but not once did I hear that we think Jesus is still dead. Then I got a “Mmm… I don’t know. Our pastor told us.” ASDFGHJKL YOUR PASTOR SAID THIS!!! MAY I HAVE A WORD WITH THIS MAN? I have so much more, but this is getting long. (By the way, both of them are former Catholics, they just didn’t practice and were only baptized. I know this because they didn’t know what Communion was).

Off topic/ On topic: Why do people INSIST that they know my religion/ faith more than I do? I know that I don’t worship saints or Mary. I worship Jesus. I mean I understand the misunderstanding, but after I explain it they seem mad or won’t accept the fact that they had the wrong information. One time, I got punched in the face (I was not aggressive… it was just a bad friend who had a hard time converting me to their church).

They’re Pentecostal Protestants (If you don’t know what that is, they are known to be similar to the Holy Ghost people, but more modern and more liberal. They focus a lot on the Holy Spirit and Pentecost, hence the name. Oh, and Jesus of course). I have no issue with people being in other denominations and it makes me happy that they found God and are happy with it, but when you judge MY personal relationship with God in that way… Don’t do that.

pt 2 below (I’m sure you know, but you don’t have to read. Pt1 is probably most important. I’m just ranting)
 
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After a lot of inviting me to church… I finally went because my boyfriend thought that I have never been to a Protestant service, even though I went to three of them while we were dating (for a research paper)… I went after my 7AM mass, of course.

I’m used to people greeting you nicely at these services, but I got a lot of dirty looks and someone gave me a bit of sass… There were a lot of things wrong and I’m 90% sure my Protestant friends could confirm that this was not something they would approve of. I got one of my Protestant friends to approve this message. The service was 2 hours long with a lot of singing and the last 45 minuets was dedicated to the Gospel. Nothing wrong with that. I’ve been to many services like it and they are usually awesome, but it doesn’t do it for me… Which is why I’m Catholic. The pastor was giving me a bad vibe. I kind of felt something was going to happen. It was hard to hear the Gospel over people munching on goldfish and mints and some people were playing games on their phone, but I felt something.

Then… He did it… Looked at me and pointed and said “witchcraft!!!” and mentioned how bad it is and how certain churches allow it… SOUND FAMILIAR??? Everyone said “Amen”. They know I’m Catholic, I have a car rosary and they saw me drive up and at this point, I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years and they are a small church and know everything about each other. I didn’t have to introduce myself, they already knew. “Yeah, you’re ____ girlfriend. You should come to our church more.”

Turns out their pastor is also a former Catholic, but I wonder how he got the “they still think Jesus is dead”. Everything else, I’ve heard before from lots of non- Catholics. I love the kind responses and curiosity.

Okay guys, story almost over.

We went to a funeral mass (Catholic. His extended family is filled with such amazing practicing Catholics) for my boyfriend’s grandpa (Please pray for his soul and for the family. This is a rough patch and they need it, please). The pastor (Pentecostal one of boyfriend’s mom’s church), his driver, and a friend of my boyfriend’s mom (from her church)… Were not very respectful. Everytime we would stand, kneel or sit… They would say “Oh my gosh…” “Ugh…” “Why am I even doing this?”… One pulled out gold fish and munched away… This is a funeral??? I feel bad for being upset… But why was I hearing this at a funeral??? This was time to dedicate a mass to a loved one’s soul who is on their way to heaven. Who cares about the differences??? Be respectful???

Again, I have no problem with other branches of Christianity… I just don’t like when they’re against me or refuse to listen to me about a misunderstanding. I have a lot of Anti-Catholic people stories of people who are truly Anti-Catholic and admit it. I’m not sure what they are, but they talk a lot of poopie about the Catholic Church.

I don’t know what to do. Please pray for my boyfriend. He wants to do RCIA, but family isn’t so supportive. Extended family is thrilled, though.
 
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I didn’t read your full story. But I’m a convert so I had to take a lot of this from my own family.
  1. I would politly explain without getting in arguements when they give you a chance.
  2. Suck up the cheap shots without snapping back.
  3. Be brave enough to say “I don’t know” if you don’t know what the correct Catholic answer is to a question.
And meh, you should have at least some problem with other Christian denominations. Not in a discriminatory way, but they’re all wrong and should all be Catholics. It’s not wise to put ones salvation in the hopes of a partial connection with the church. At least they sound traditional socially. That’s a good starting place. Anyway my point in this is don’t become a relativist. The church is THE CHURCH.

Pray for your bf and be with him. Give him space. He’ll come around eventually if he’s already thinking about it. I knew my family would have a tough time, but I chose Jesus’ church anyway.
 
holymoly said:
They’re Pentecostal Protestants
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Another thought that’s distinct from my first post:

I think these groups are a lot closer than people think. They are often very conservative (my church growing up even refused to remarry in most circumstances). They will probably warm up to Catholics a lot. If you make them aware of the Catholic Charismatic Renewal. If it weren’t for the renewal’s existence I don’t know where I’d be today. Probably still Catholic, but knowing that (at least part) of the Catholic Church affirmed that part of things made my conversion much easier.

A church that tried to tell me that that was illigitimate might have failed to convert me. I recommend mentioning it.

It also helps that these people believe in miracles. Talking about Eucharist miracles and the saints’ miracles can help a lot.
 
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If your BF’s parents are that toxic I would be concerned for the future of your relationship.

What did he do when they said those things to you? If you do decide to marry and have a family what impact will their behaviour have on your children?

My FIL is toxic for a number of reasons, partly due to religion but due to other things too. I am fortunate in that my husband is incredibly supportive and is happy to turn his father into Granddad Who We Don’t See. (We have no plan to see FIL in the future.)
 
A lot of evangelicals, including pentacostals, do not understand that Catholics aren’t Sola Scriptura. Unless they understand that we get authority from scripture AND tradition, it’s hard for them to grasp why we do some of the things we do, or believe what we do.

So… they THINK they know our faith, but they actually don’t. Getting them to understand the issue of authority is the starting point. It might be worth sharing some Catholic apologetics resources that discuss this the next time they bring it up.

It’s kind of odd when protestants tell us that our mass isn’t biblical or we don’t focus on the bible, when the Church actually has readings in the liturgical cycle that covers almost the entire bible in the 3 year cycle. A great deal of evangelical and pentecostalism takes much of their beliefs and worship from just a very small portion of the bible in comparison. But then again… it’s the Catholic Church that gave us the bible in the first place. Even Martin Luther acknowledged that… 🐸:coffee:

I will pray for you, your boyfriend and your families. Consider it an opportunity to share Catholic apologetics. You may never get them to fully understand or agree, but it can help them dispel some of their misunderstandings and hostility.

If they still continue to be hostile, then perhaps some lines may have to be drawn as far as discussing religious matters until their hearts are more open…
 
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Your boyfriend needs to tell them to back off.

You can also stay away from them until they treat you in a charitable way. Life is too short to spend time with mean spirited people.
 
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holymoly said:
I don’t know what to do. Please pray for my boyfriend. He wants to do RCIA, but family isn’t so supportive. Extended family is thrilled, though.
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The main problem here isn’t that your boyfriend’s family is anti-Catholic-- although that is certainly a problem that will follow you into marriage, impact every holiday, and will be more problematic once kids come along.

The REAL problem is that your boyfriend is not yet mature and independent enough to put boundaries in place, defend you, demand respect for you, and tell his parents to knock of the nonsense or there will be consequences up to and including that they will be restricted in the future as far as visits go.

This is a discussion that you MUST have with him before you proceed in marrying him.

If he does not or cannot stand up to his parents BEFORE you are married and do what has to be done to build a peaceful, cohesive family unit for the two of you, don’t expect it to happen AFTER you are married.

This is all on your boyfriend to fix-- he needs to tell his parents that there will be not ONE MORE WORD about your religion at family events or there will not be any more family events.
 
Katie777 said:
Your boyfriend needs to tell them to back off.

You can also stay away from them until they treat you in a charitable way. Life is too short to spend time with mean spirited people.
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I second this advise. Also if he is not interested in smoothing things between you and his parents your relationship sounds really bumpy and it’s only at its start.
 
I have to provide a third vote for this advice (maybe its a fourth). When you get married, your future husband has to be willing to standup for you towards his family. He has to be willing to put you first. This looks like a test case to me. He has to be willing to tell his family and extended family to cut it out. That you are a committed Catholic and he will not abide by any insult or disparaging of his girlfriend’s religion. If he is not willing to do this, just say goodbye, while it is still easy.
 
When you marry someone, their family will be in your life until they die.

I would consider sharing the conversion stories of former Pentecostals with your boyfriend. Dc Alex Jones “No Price Too High” is beautiful. Former Baptist then Charismatic Episcopalian Michel Cumbie is another who will “speak his language”.
 
holymoly said:
rns out their pastor is also a former Catholic, but I wonder
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Oh, and I would make it clear that I would not go to that church again with your boyfriend. They have made it clear you are not really welcome as a Catholic.
 
TheLittleLady said:
When you marry someone, their family will be in your life until they die.
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To be fair, I do know a few people where that’s not entirely true, often for good reason. And even if it is true, there are different levels.

I pretty much keep my mother in situations I can walk away from if it gets out of hand and that have a built-in reason to end. And I don’t invite her over to my place. Cheap shots = “oh, look at the time, I’m sorry I have to get going! See you later!”
 
Yes, there are varying degrees.

The longer a marriage lasts, the more times when “avoiding my in-laws” will be awkward at least. Family deaths, serious illness. Your husband has a heart attack, it is going to be difficult to stop his parents from coming to the hospital and it does make it difficult to deny a parent to see their dying adult child.

When you in-law is dying, again, the natural thing is for an adult child to want to at least say goodbye.
 
Both sides of our family are toxic, so unless things turn around, we might end up not having either side. We only like our extended families, but our direct families have so many issues.

He thinks it’s weird and they’re being stubborn and he used to just take me aside. Now he’s comfortable with confronting them and saying that they are wrong and why.

I am glad that you and your husband seem to be doing well! I might have to get rid of some people when I move out.
 
Thank you so much for your post! I will check those out. I understand most misunderstandings, but there are some that I just want to understand and feel like i can’t understand.

I don’t understand how they are so sure they know more about our religion than we do, but maybe this will help.
 
He does, but they are very sassy and snappy. They’re not very kind to him either and I’m not sure why. He is understanding Catholicism more and wants to go to RCIA, so he takes more action now than he did before when they’d get like that.
 
These in-laws look like they are the type of people that don’t listen.
 
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