How do I explain to my parents why we hate their church?

[theistgal]

OK, “hate” is probably too strong a word. But - my husband and I really have a lot of difficulty going to my parents’ church, when we visit them (they’re in another state).

It’s a physically beautiful church, but the problem is that the priests are very disobedient, always ad lib and flagrantly disobey the rubrics for the Mass. Last time the priest didn’t come down from the altar to distribute Communion (even though he seemed perfectly physically able to do so). My husband, who is Eastern Catholic, found that particularly disturbing, and made it clear to me afterwards that he will not attend that particular church again.

Which has put me in the uncomfortable position of “go-between” - trying to explain to my mom and dad why we don’t want to go with them to the church they love so much.

And my mom just won’t let it go with “Sorry, but my husband doesn’t want to go back to your church, and since he’s my husband I have to respect his feelings”. Here’s what she wrote back to me this morning:

Well, sometimes we have to put ourselves out a bit for others’ feelings. Don’t understand [husband]'s or yours feelings about it - we may not like the way your church does the liturgy either but we go because we want to share your life and be with you. That is the important part. Perhaps you can share this with [husband]. It’s not really a big deal - just an hour and l/2 out of your life very rarely. It’s not a deep subject - just wanting our family to be closer and share our lives.

Now what kind of irritates me about this is that I’ve tried to suggest compromises to my mom: for example, suggested attending another church in their area (also Roman Catholic) which we like much better (and where my cousin plays the organ); or perhaps having them attend the Eastern rite church in their city with us. But no, if we don’t go to their church we’re somehow hurting them. (She keeps saying it’s not a “big deal”, but obviously it is because she keeps asking me about it!)

Oh, part of the history behind this is that I only got married a couple of years ago, and before that, when I visited my parents, I went to this church with them all the time, hated it, but didn’t have the guts to tell them I wanted to go somewhere else. Now my husband has given me the means - and the moral support - to do so, but I don’t know how to explain it so as not to hurt their feelings.

The thing is, I would be OK with going to their church with them (and gritting my teeth, as before), but I certainly can’t force my husband to go - and frankly, I don’t want to.

Any suggestions on how to handle this? I haven’t answered her last email yet and am open to constructive ideas!! Thanks!

 

[kage_ar]

When you visit them in another State, plan your schedule so you are not there for mass. If they attend 10 AM Mass on Sunday morning, plan to leave at 8 AM. You can then drive to the Parish of your choice for Mass.

 

[blue_skies_1]

To be honest I can see where your mum is coming from; I think to refuse to go to their church when you visit them comes across as quite snobby and it could be hurtful (though I’m sure you don’t mean it like that). The priest is still a priest, it’s still a valid mass and it seems to me that putting up with it from time to time would be the Christian thing to do. Maybe you should try having another chat with your husband about being more flexible?
I can’t remember exactly where I read it, but in some spiritual reading I was doing recently I came across some good advice about that - i.e. don’t compromise on the essentials of your faith (things like morals and receiving the sacraments) but in everything else try to be as accomodating towards others as you can and ‘reach out’ to others (something like that)…

Don’t build up divisions where there needn’t be any, there is enough disunity already between Christians… at least they’re good Catholics And most of the time you can attend the church of your own choice anyway

 

[theistgal]

To be honest I can see where your mum is coming from; I think to refuse to go to their church when you visit them comes across as quite snobby and it could be hurtful (though I’m sure you don’t mean it like that). The priest is still a priest, it’s still a valid mass and it seems to me that putting up with it from time to time would be the Christian thing to do. Maybe you should try having another chat with your husband about being more flexible?

Yes, you’re right. I guess the problem was with my failed attempt to explain my husband’s feelings to my mom - shouldn’t have even tried. Didn’t mean it to be hurtful but the thing is, my parents and I are very different, both religiously and politically. They’re very liberal and I’m very conservative - they don’t understand why I didn’t vote for Obama either!

I agree the Mass was valid; believe me, I’ve been on that side of the argument as well! It’s really more of an aesthetic issue, I guess.

Maybe what I should do is just put my husband on the phone and let him tell her himself!

 

[theistgal]

When you visit them in another State, plan your schedule so you are not there for mass. If they attend 10 AM Mass on Sunday morning, plan to leave at 8 AM. You can then drive to the Parish of your choice for Mass.

That’s a good suggestion; if we could go during the week it would be a great option. However, unfortunately due to our work schedules, sometimes weekends are all we have. And we always take them out for breakfast after Mass (or Liturgy) on Sunday mornings, before we leave; so if we left earlier it would mean one more thing for them to complain about.

Thanks anyway though!

 

[gardenswithkids]

OKAnd my mom just won’t let it go with “Sorry, but my husband doesn’t want to go back to your church, and since he’s my husband I have to respect his feelings”. Here’s what she wrote back to me this morning:

…It’s not really a big deal - just an hour and l/2 out of your life very rarely. It’s not a deep subject - just wanting our family to be closer and share our lives. …

Interesting-she writes it’s not really a big deal, yet makes a big deal out of it.

Let her know you also want to be close and share their lives, but that you will have to find a different way to do that.

While your husband is probably perfectly capable of defending himself and his opinions–they are your parents and his in-laws. You should run interfearance. Don’t leave him looking like “the bad guy”. It also sounds like you share your husband’s dislikes for this parish so don’t just blame him.

 

[stpiusx]

+J.M.J.+
I’m reminded of something I read recently by Tolkien (on the Eucharist). It has helped me when I attend Mass with my parents (similar situation, though they are not liberal):

Also I can recommend this as an exercise (alas! only too easy to find opportunity for): make your communion in circumstances that affront your taste. Choose a snuffling or gabbling priest or a proud and vulgar friar; and a church full of the usual bourgeois crowd, ill-behaved children - from those who yell to those products of Catholic schools who the moment the tabernacle is opened sit back and yawn - open necked and dirty youths, women in trousers and often with hair both unkempt and uncovered. Go to communion with them (and pray for them). It will be just the same (or better than that) as a mass said beautifully by a visibly holy man, and shared by a few devout and decorous people. It could not be worse than the mess of the feeding of the Five Thousand - after which our Lord propounded the feeding that was to come."

The Letters of J.R.R. Tolkien, Letter to his son.

I hope this helps and I will certainly pray for your family.

 

[SuscipeMeDomine]

Which has put me in the uncomfortable position of “go-between” - trying to explain to my mom and dad why we don’t want to go with them to the church they love so much.

Just curious…how would you feel if your parents were visiting you and said “we know you love your church but we don’t want to go there with you. Nothing wrong with it…just that aesthetically it doesn’t do much for us.”

If someone visiting me were to say that, I would be very hurt. And if they suggested that I shouldn’t attend the church I love but should go to some other parish I’d think that they didn’t know much about being good guests.

If I were visiting I’d suck it up if I didn’t like the parish. It’s not like I’d be there every week. And, especially if I were visiting my parents, I’d figure that I owe them that amount of respect. A little humility is always good for us.

 

[redrosetea]

I guess you need to ask yourself would you rather be right or make you mom happy for a day or two each year?

It seems to me a small sacrifice to make after all the years your parents sacrificed for you…You don’t have to like it or agree with it

 

[theistgal]

Just curious…how would you feel if your parents were visiting you and said “we know you love your church but we don’t want to go there with you. Nothing wrong with it…just that aesthetically it doesn’t do much for us.”

If someone visiting me were to say that, I would be very hurt. And if they suggested that I shouldn’t attend the church I love but should go to some other parish I’d think that they didn’t know much about being good guests.

If I were visiting I’d suck it up if I didn’t like the parish. It’s not like I’d be there every week. And, especially if I were visiting my parents, I’d figure that I owe them that amount of respect. A little humility is always good for us.

Well, if you look at her email, she did say something like that. Didn’t bother me a bit, but only because I have always found that my parents and I have very different tastes when it comes to religion and politics. If they liked our church I’d be kind of worried.

 

[puzzleannie]

or you can be more blunt the way we are when we visit DD#2 and explain precisely why you have issues. Hopefully the result will be what we hoped for, they changed parishes. However I doubt it. They are unlikely to change, so explain that if it is that big a problem for them, you will cut your visits short and leave Saturday evening or early Sunday morning so as not to offend. Your first loyalty is to your husband, not your mother.

 

[yellowbird]

I’m going to side with your Mom. Tell your husband to get over it… it’s a valid mass and he can suck it up for that one hour.

One of my parents is dead, the other isn’t religious at all. What I wouldn’t give to spend an hour next to them in mass.

 

[theistgal]

Just FYI I am just going to take the rest of the afternoon off and take a breather from the situation before I respond to my mom. It’s all academic at this point, anyway, since we aren’t planning a visit anytime soon.

But thanks for all the thoughtful replies - I do appreciate them.

 

[blue_skies_1]

Also I can recommend this as an exercise (alas! only too easy to find opportunity for): make your communion in circumstances that affront your taste. Choose a snuffling or gabbling priest or a proud and vulgar friar; and a church full of the usual bourgeois crowd, ill-behaved children - from those who yell to those products of Catholic schools who the moment the tabernacle is opened sit back and yawn - open necked and dirty youths, women in trousers and often with hair both unkempt and uncovered. Go to communion with them (and pray for them). It will be just the same (or better than that) as a mass said beautifully by a visibly holy man, and shared by a few devout and decorous people. It could not be worse than the mess of the feeding of the Five Thousand - after which our Lord propounded the feeding that was to come."

The Letters of J.R.R. Tolkien, Letter to his son.

Wow, speaking of snobbishness…

 

[latinmasslover]

I think you are truly blessed for having a husband like the one you described. Here’s my opinion: The Mass your parents attend is irreverent and disrespectful. I’m sure you don’t want to show approval for the service by being a part of it. If they don’t care that watching abuse after abuse during the Sacrifice is very disheartening to you and your husband…what does that say about them? Bottom line is this: you’re married now, and your husband comes before your parents. If your mother won’t let it go, I think you should ask her why she doesn’t care that watching abuses hurts the both of you, why it would be so difficult to attend a Church that appeared to believe what it stood for (and maybe, why she herself doesn’t have a better appreciation for holiness in the Mass). Besides, she shouldn’t guilt you into attending her Church, it’s just not in the spirit of ecumenism, true ecumenism or false.

 

[theistgal]

P.S. here’s what I wrote in response to my mom’s email - just tried to keep it short & friendly:

OK, sorry if you are upset about it. Why don’t we put it on hold and worry about it when we’re actually planning a visit there?

Maybe we could compromise - go to one church on Saturday evening & then the other on Sunday morning.

Lots of love,
ME

How’s that sound?

 

[theistgal]

I think you are truly blessed for having a husband like the one you described. Here’s my opinion: The Mass your parents attend is irreverent and disrespectful. I’m sure you don’t want to show approval for the service by being a part of it. If they don’t care that watching abuse after abuse during the Sacrifice is very disheartening to you and your husband…what does that say about them? Bottom line is this: you’re married now, and your husband comes before your parents. If your mother won’t let it go, I think you should ask her why she doesn’t care that watching abuses hurts the both of you, why it would be so difficult to attend a Church that appeared to believe what it stood for (and maybe, why she herself doesn’t have a better appreciation for holiness in the Mass). Besides, she shouldn’t guilt you into attending her Church, it’s just not in the spirit of ecumenism, true ecumenism or false.

Thank you! That’s exactly how I feel, but I guess I am trying to do the impossible - find a way to convey those thoughts and feelings without hurting anyone’s feelings. Maybe the bottom line is, when you have family, you’re gonna have hurt feelings.

 

[latinmasslover]

Thank you! That’s exactly how I feel, but I guess I am trying to do the impossible - find a way to convey those thoughts and feelings without hurting anyone’s feelings. Maybe the bottom line is, when you have family, you’re gonna have hurt feelings.

Sad but true. I’ll say a few prayers for you all.

 

[nicolep]

This is a tough situation for you. I agree that your first priority is to your husband. It’s also hard not to want to please your parents as well. It would be perfect if your husband decided he could handle it once or twice a year, but that probably isn’t going to happen.

When you and your husband have a visit planned and an actual game plan in place for Mass, I would have a face to face discussion with your parents. Explain that your loyalties remain with your husband (as they should) and this is what the two of you have decided. I would try hard not to make it seem like it’s your husband doing all of the pushing. From what I gather, you agree with his position.

I think it will be necessary for your parents to understand that he’s first now. That might be part of the problem…your mom doesn’t understand that he’s first. Best of luck!

 

[theistgal]

I think it will be necessary for your parents to understand that he’s first now. That might be part of the problem…your mom doesn’t understand that he’s first. Best of luck!

I’m sure that’s a big part of it, since I was single till the age of 47!

Thanks for all the suggestions and prayers - I’m outta here for the day now!