How do I explain to my parents why we hate their church?

[Loren_1of6]

You could attend Mass with them at their church, but make a spiritual Communion instead of a physical one. If you leave in time to make a later Mass, either in their town or somewhere along the road to yours, go ahead and receive. If not, you might try to make a weekday Mass. Either way, you have attended Mass on Sunday and kept the Lord’s day holy both by not antagonizing your parents and by not receiving Communion in a parish that is so far from your ideal.

 

[shannyk]

P.S. here’s what I wrote in response to my mom’s email - just tried to keep it short & friendly:

How’s that sound?

Sounds good to me.

I have to ask, your mom’s letter to you said it’s “rarely” that you go to mass with her and your father, so how often is it actually?

I mean, if it’s a once in awhile thing, I think you and your hub could tolerate it in the interest of charity, it being a valid mass by your account. If it was a blatantly invalid mass, or, if it was a frequent or even semi frequent thing that you were expected to go with them, I’d ‘side’ with your husband. But, if it is indeed ‘rare’ that you attend mass with them, I say your husband needs to grin and bear it.:twocents:

 

[maryjk]

Just curious…how would you feel if your parents were visiting you and said “we know you love your church but we don’t want to go there with you. Nothing wrong with it…just that aesthetically it doesn’t do much for us.”

If someone visiting me were to say that, I would be very hurt. And if they suggested that I shouldn’t attend the church I love but should go to some other parish I’d think that they didn’t know much about being good guests.

If I were visiting I’d suck it up if I didn’t like the parish. It’s not like I’d be there every week. And, especially if I were visiting my parents, I’d figure that I owe them that amount of respect. A little humility is always good for us.

See, and if someone said that to me, I would say, “Fine, mass is from 10 until just after 11. Meet you at TheBestPlace for lunch, after.”

I wouldn’t think they needed to attend my church any more than I need to attend theirs. What do you do, if the friends aren’t Catholic? Same thing for me. Same thing happens if someone visits that doesn’t attend church. We go our separate ways and meet up after. I don’t see a problem with that.

That said, I do attend Mass with my Mom at her church and it reminds me of what the OP is talking about. But there isn’t another church for miles and miles. Not attending any mass is the only other option. If there were another option, my Mom would attend. She isn’t real happy with her church either.

 

[samcarter14]

My ILs are Roman Catholic; my DH and I were raised RC but are now worshipping in the Eastern Catholic church, since that’s the form of worship we prefer.

When my ILs visit us, they try to attend Divine Liturgy with us. I know my FIL dislikes receiving communion from the spoon (he is a recently baptized RC, so receiving is new to him in any case!), so sometimes he receives, sometimes he doesn’t. My MIL is fine with the form of worship as long as it’s under Rome.

While I understand why one who is accustomed to the Divine Liturgy would find it hard to feel as spiritually fed in the Novus Ordo, because I’ve had that experience, we still attend a RC Mass with my ILs when we visit them.

Why? Because we’re their guests, and this is where they worship. I would not like to be like my BIL, who will only attend a Tridentine Mass, and so inconveniences his hosts. Also, I consider us Eastern Catholics attending a Roman Catholic rite church as a good sign of our communion as fellow Catholics.

If there are genuine abuses of the Eucharist occuring at your mom and dad’s parish, then that is a genuine concern. But other than that, I would see this as an opportunity to show communion between the two rites, and to dispel any lingering suspicion of us “odd” Eastern rite Catholics!

 

[Listener]

I can’t believe I’m reading this. I think you should go to your parents’ church. Remember the commandment, “Honor Thy Father and Thy Mother.” As a Grandma, I can tell you that we love to “show off” our grown children and grandchildren to our friends at Mass. It is a thrill to have our grown children attend Mass in our parish with us.

It just cracks me up. I grew up in the 1950’s with the Latin Mass. Now there are some people who want to go back to that. The women cover their heads, and they start following the old rules about fasting, etc.

Well, I have news for you. Back then, there was a Canon Law that said you had to belong to the parish that you were in geographically. It was not an option to join the Catholic Church in the next town because it suited you better.

Yes, this law has been changed. It’s funny how people pick and choose the old-fashioned and obsolete laws that they decide to follow.

My parents are dead. I would love to go to Mass with them no matter which church it was in.

 

[Salonika]

****No solutions just some reflections about the situation. But must say if it was me I’d go to church with my parents unless I didn’t go to church at all.

theistgal:

Which has put me in the uncomfortable position of “go-between” - trying to explain to my mom and dad why we don’t want to go with them to the church they love so much.

A very difficult situation which could also causes some confusion by making it easy for your parents to think that if you didn’t have a husband there wouldn’t be the problem. After all you went with them wheh you were visiting until he came along. They may see your husband as the person causing all the problems.

theistgal:

And my mom just won’t let it go with “Sorry, but my husband doesn’t want to go back to your church, and since he’s my husband I have to respect his feelings”.

Of course you do. Everyone’s feelings have to be respected and understood. What everyone needs to realise is that respect does not depend on other people doing what they want.

If you do decide to go to Church with your parents think you need to make sure they know your feelings about their church and why you are attending with them. Your husband would need to make the same thing clear if he decided to attend with the rest of you.

puzzleannie:

Your first loyalty is to your husband, not your mother

Think your first loyalty is to your deeply held beliefs. Maybe your parents would understand that better than seeing the change as a result of your husband’s views.

theistgal:

Maybe the bottom line is, when you have family, you’re gonna have hurt feelings.

Yes, real families are that. It’s how we deal with hurt feelings and difficult situations that matters.
Originally Posted by nicolep:

I think it will be necessary for your parents to understand that he’s first now. That might be part of the problem…your mom doesn’t understand that he’s first. Best of luck!

**Theistgal in reply **I’m sure that’s a big part of it, since I was single till the age of 47

I have this theory that many parents don’t consider their children adults until they are married with children.

A final thought - Theistgal are you by any chance an only child? Think sometimes it’s harder for some parents to accept us as adults. Also there being a number of children (plus spouses) can ease these situations as it introduces a wider range of views. Also I think many unmarried only children find it harder to discuss some things with their parents as it can lead to a two to one situation.

 

[cascherman]

I don’t think it would be unreasonable to spend a couple hours at Mass with your parents. That is unless their Church teaches something that is heretical.

If you need to, go to your favorite church before you go with them. Why hurt your parents feelings if it is still a legitimate Mass? The sacrifice of the Mass is amazingly important but your compassion is important as well.

You would be telling your parents they are not Catholic enough for you. You (might) be Catholic because of your parents, respect them.

For example, my wife and I do not hold hands during the Our Father in our own parish. But, when we go to my wifes parents parish they are used to holding hands, so we do it, and we are surely not less Catholic when we do this.

 

[cascherman]

I think you are truly blessed for having a husband like the one you described. Here’s my opinion: The Mass your parents attend is irreverent and disrespectful. I’m sure you don’t want to show approval for the service by being a part of it. If they don’t care that watching abuse after abuse during the Sacrifice is very disheartening to you and your husband…what does that say about them? Bottom line is this: you’re married now, and your husband comes before your parents. If your mother won’t let it go, I think you should ask her why she doesn’t care that watching abuses hurts the both of you, why it would be so difficult to attend a Church that appeared to believe what it stood for (and maybe, why she herself doesn’t have a better appreciation for holiness in the Mass). Besides, she shouldn’t guilt you into attending her Church, it’s just not in the spirit of ecumenism, true ecumenism or false.

:nope: not too impressed here.

 

[Rico_S]

:nope: not too impressed here.

Me either.

The choice seems clear…

A.) Either attend a mass once or twice a year that isn’t up to par by your standards (however not invalid by any info given here yet).

Or

B.) Take a stand to not support the behavior of this parish’s priest during mass by not going to mass with your parents. And in doing so run the risk of hurting your parents feelings (whether you feel it is justified or not) and causing strain/tension in that relationship.

 

[theistgal]

:nope: not too impressed here.

Gee whiz, sor-REE. I didn’t post this situation here to “impress” anyone.

I had a situation which was confusing and upsetting me, and was having trouble sorting out all the issues involved, so I posted it here in order to get some help with it.

And I actually did, and thanks to those who gave constructive advice.

As for the rest of you, if you can’t do any better than “Not too impressed here”, please move on. This thread isn’t intended for you. :nope:

 

[theistgal]

A final thought - Theistgal are you by any chance an only child? Think sometimes it’s harder for some parents to accept us as adults. Also there being a number of children (plus spouses) can ease these situations as it introduces a wider range of views. Also I think many unmarried only children find it harder to discuss some things with their parents as it can lead to a two to one situation.

Nope. I have a brother and a sister - the latter of whom lives in the same city as my parents, with her husband and daughter, who they see quite regularly.

 

[Rico_S]

Gee whiz, sor-REE. I didn’t post this situation here to “impress” anyone.

Theistgal:

I think you are misinterpreting casherman’s post. It wasn’t directed at your initial post, but at latinmasslover’s repsonse/advice to you.

As for the rest of you, if you can’t do any better than “Not too impressed here”, please move on. This thread isn’t intended for you.

Perhaps you missed it but casherman did indeed give you advice:

**"I don’t think it would be unreasonable to spend a couple hours at Mass with your parents. That is unless their Church teaches something that is heretical.

If you need to, go to your favorite church before you go with them. Why hurt your parents feelings if it is still a legitimate Mass? The sacrifice of the Mass is amazingly important but your compassion is important as well.

You would be telling your parents they are not Catholic enough for you. You (might) be Catholic because of your parents, respect them.

For example, my wife and I do not hold hands during the Our Father in our own parish. But, when we go to my wifes parents parish they are used to holding hands, so we do it, and we are surely not less Catholic when we do this."**

I think this was a very reasonable and constructive comment. Of course, it is different than the “supportive” advice given by others that is more in line with your view, so you may see it as not constructive.

 

[theistgal]

Sorry if I sounded crabby. Guess it’s because I’m feeling crabby today.

 

[yellowbird]

Sorry if I sounded crabby. Guess it’s because I’m feeling crabby today.

Here’s a :hug3: If it’s this thread that is making you crabby, don’t let it… I thought it was a great question and hopefully you’re able to take everyone’s opinion and then decide what would work best for you.

 

[PaulinVA]

theistgal,

Here’s a little advice. When there is a disagreement or a need to confront others in the family, make it a united front. “We don’t feel comfortable at the church” That way, neither of you is in hot water with the in laws (you both are). Let them try to figure it out if they want, but it’s a we thing. That’s how you provide cover for your spouse, and he for you. Don’t let them divide and conquer.

As far as the “I can’t go to that church one more time.” Come on. Of course you can. It won’t kill you, and, if it does, well, you’ll die at Mass. Once or twice a year you can go to a Mass you normally wouldn’t go to. If the abuses are many and serious, write a nice letter to the Bishop.

 

[stpiusx]

+J.M.J.+

Wow, speaking of snobbishness…

i’m sorry i just posted something that has helped me when i attend Mass that is full of abuses.

You could attend Mass with them at their church, but make a spiritual Communion instead of a physical one. If you leave in time to make a later Mass, either in their town or somewhere along the road to yours, go ahead and receive. If not, you might try to make a weekday Mass. Either way, you have attended Mass on Sunday and kept the Lord’s day holy both by not antagonizing your parents and by not receiving Communion in a parish that is so far from your ideal.

in my family, not receiving Communion is a big deal and would create more problems than it would solve. not sure about the original poster though.

Well, I have news for you. Back then, there was a Canon Law that said you had to belong to the parish that you were in geographically. It was not an option to join the Catholic Church in the next town because it suited you better.

was it actually in canon law? could you quote it please? thanks.

 

[theistgal]

theistgal,

Here’s a little advice. When there is a disagreement or a need to confront others in the family, make it a united front. “We don’t feel comfortable at the church” That way, neither of you is in hot water with the in laws (you both are). Let them try to figure it out if they want, but it’s a we thing. That’s how you provide cover for your spouse, and he for you. Don’t let them divide and conquer.

As far as the “I can’t go to that church one more time.” Come on. Of course you can. It won’t kill you, and, if it does, well, you’ll die at Mass. Once or twice a year you can go to a Mass you normally wouldn’t go to. If the abuses are many and serious, write a nice letter to the Bishop.

I appreciate the suggestion. The thing is, I’ve gone to that particular church with my parents many, many times in the past. And it’s always been a bone of contention between us. The only difference now is that, with my husband along, we have the option of going somewhere else. To my parents, that’s like a declaration of war.

FWIW, there’s actually a new Bishop in their town, and I understand he is aware of and trying to stop the abuses … and my parents think he’s a “right wing whacko” … so as you can see it’s going to be an uphill fight for him! So maybe I should just end this thread by asking y’all to pray for the new Bishop of Phoenix, AZ.

 

[cascherman]

Gee whiz, sor-REE. I didn’t post this situation here to “impress” anyone.

I had a situation which was confusing and upsetting me, and was having trouble sorting out all the issues involved, so I posted it here in order to get some help with it.

And I actually did, and thanks to those who gave constructive advice.

As for the rest of you, if you can’t do any better than “Not too impressed here”, please move on. This thread isn’t intended for you. :nope:

You’ll notice I did respond with more than “not too impressed here”. The “not too impressed here” post was my second post and it also was not directed at you. It was directed at the attitude of the poster that I quoted when saying it.

 

[theistgal]

You’ll notice I did respond with more than “not too impressed here”. The “not too impressed here” post was my second post and it also was not directed at you. It was directed at the attitude of the poster that I quoted when saying it.

Thanks for clarifying. I did mitigate my tone in a later post, which you probably haven’t gotten to yet.

 

[cascherman]

Theistgal:

I think you are misinterpreting casherman’s post. It wasn’t directed at your initial post, but at latinmasslover’s repsonse/advice to you.

Perhaps you missed it but casherman did indeed give you advice:

**"I don’t think it would be unreasonable to spend a couple hours at Mass with your parents. That is unless their Church teaches something that is heretical.

If you need to, go to your favorite church before you go with them. Why hurt your parents feelings if it is still a legitimate Mass? The sacrifice of the Mass is amazingly important but your compassion is important as well.

You would be telling your parents they are not Catholic enough for you. You (might) be Catholic because of your parents, respect them.

For example, my wife and I do not hold hands during the Our Father in our own parish. But, when we go to my wifes parents parish they are used to holding hands, so we do it, and we are surely not less Catholic when we do this."**

I think this was a very reasonable and constructive comment. Of course, it is different than the “supportive” advice given by others that is more in line with your view, so you may see it as not constructive.

thanks Rico!

I really don’t think it would be too bad to attend mass with your parents. I have been to a latin mass and I love it. I also love the New Order mass. I am Catholic, I’m not a Latin mass Catholic or a New Order Catholic.