How do I get my husband to stop doing this?

[Tracyms1974]

I truly believe the Lord is making you a saint to go through all this suffering.

It is a very difficult cross to bear.

Jules we are hear for you. We will continue to pray for you as long as you need it. I will ask St. Rita and St. Anne to pray for your marriage as well. Hang in there. I know sometimes all you want to do is run from it all, but we can’t can we.

Hello, everybody.

  I know this is Jules' post, but if she doesn't mind, I'd like to "borrow" it for a minute.

  Since I too am in a rotten marriage, I'd like to know how I'm supposed to know if Jules and I should just "take it" and be saints like St. Rita, or if we should get on with our lives and try to find a man who will love us better - or at all.  It's a hard question to answer.  Is it a matter of personal choice or is it God's will?  In other words, did St. Rita choose to sanctify herself by following the Church's law to a T and not divorcing her husband, or did God "call" her to do it?  So far, I've gotten no "calls" from God.  The only thing I've gotten from God is that online buddy of mine who's in that chastity pledge with me.  Maybe that's just step 1 in His plan for me.  I agree with both sides, although, now I'm leaning toward separation.  I'm afraid that if I stay in the marriage in the hopes of becoming a saint like St. Rita, albeit a non-canonized one, I'm sure, I'll miss out on a chance to experience true love in this life.  There is also my daughter to consider.  How did St. Rita the whole time she was married impress upon her children that hers was a rotten marriage and not the type to be sought after?  I hope I speak for Jules too when I ask these questions.

Tracy

 

[KCT]

You can’t stop your husband from doing anything. He’s an adult. He needs to make those decisions.

All you can do is become ther person Christ wants you to be, with whatever virtues He wants you to have.

Beyond that, you’ll have to decide what you’re willing to put up with and then make decisions based on that. —KCT

 

[KCT]

I’d like to know how I’m supposed to know if Jules and I should just “take it” and be saints like St. Rita, or if we should get on with our lives

I think that’s where a good spiritual director can help. I would never make such a decision on my own, without some guidance. If I did, I would always wonder if my motives were pure, if I was being selfish, etc. A neutral thrid party can help. —KCT

 

[dlltoms]

How do I get my husband to stop doing this? You don’t you let God handle it. In God’s time not ours. I have been divorced for 4 years. And have been in a problem with the IRS with the alimoney that my x-husband says he paid me. Last Monday I got a call from the appeals court judge and he has taken the tax from me. He also said I received a settlement not ali-money. My x-husband has blamed everyone but himself for his own short comings. Simple as that. When I findly came to the facts as they are I wasn’t affraid of satan or anything else I was affraid of my husband. then the hyper vigilence went. I do not have that fear anymore of getting caught getting caught doing what. the only answer I got from him what I told you what would happen. You cannot hold them. He didn’t want to convert and there is nothing you can do about that but pray for him. I couldn’t talk to him for everytime I brought up the subject he would say what are you judging me. And maybe I was for his actions do not state the truth. But I do know he was trying to make me look like I was crazy. That him having a women in his motel room for 5 years paying the expenses. And that I needed to walk a mile in her shoes well I have my own shoes to walk in. someone really did a number on her. He knew way to much about her and what her needs were but then she had access to a big inhertience which she and her brother fought over. When I went thru my divorce he testified he has moved in with another woman renting a room from her. Of coarse he married her as soon and the divorce was final. Now he tries to convience our children he didn’t want this. And he tells everyone that he still loves me I am still the mother of his children. This women he is married to now has never had any children and he wants my children to think of her as their step mother. She doesn’t know my children she has had nothing to do with them yet they think of her as a nice lady. Well nice ladies do not go with married men. When I went back to court last year to settle some retirement things I dressed in a pair of slacks and a jacket I bought years ago from st. Vinneys. They dressed like they were in some kind of Island cloths shorts and him in a pocket tshirt new cowboy boots and it was all about him and his retriement and his divorce and all of that. the comment was made they were building this new house and all their cloths were in storage. His excuse is he never got any at home. Any what I do not know. But he kept money from me he accused me of having a boy friend and all the rest. His excuse is he cannot control what goes on in a mans head. All I know is that I made the right desision to get out of that marriage. I stayed in it for 38 years. He is not a catholic does not beleive in orginized religion. He doesn’t understand pentence or the stations of the cross or anything else. He went to Mexico on a mission and in his journal he kept he says the catholics worship Mary I always told him we do not worship Mary we honor her. Jesus calls me his sister as men are his brothers and if Jesus is my brother then Mary is my mother. I pray for him still that he will turn around and come home. Weither that will ever happen is in Gods time not mine.

 

[rayne89]

Jules if you really want to be with this man and he truly has made other major changes I wouldn’t lose hope. We went through a horrible time in our marriage where we were a hair away from divorce. We did do Retrouvaille which gave is a point to begin again but it took at least a couple years to work through all the issues, anger, resentment, hurt etc.

If you can get to Marriage Encounter I think it would really help your husband learn a much more constructive way of dealing with his hurt feelings and need to withdraw in retaliation. Any type of marriage enrichment program that your church offers I would attend. Keep reading books as well. You may be glean little bits of things to help your marriage -keep working at it.

As best you can try not to react to your husband’s hurtful behavior when he ignores you. Think of it as a way to grow in holiness, offer it up to God, unite with Jesus’ sufferings on the cross -use your pain to grow closer to God. When your husband ignores you go to Jesus for consolation.

I will pray for you both. God Bless.

 

[Nino]

I can’t be as charitable about it as the other poster. I was a victim of this dynamic also. The total withdrawal is a form of emotional abuse. Withdrawing all love and affection is a very passive aggressive way of doing things. It can be almost more hurtful than physical violence. I used to take it. I’d try to wait it out. Then I’d try to talk to him. I’d ignore him back. Nothing worked. I thought that’s how marriages went.

Then my brother and sister got married and I saw them deal with spouses where they were emotionally healthy. It was like a bucket of cold water in my face. No, other people didn’t live like that. Being given the silent treatment. What kind of example is that for the kids??

I agree marriage counselors are useless. If you need a referee, it’s beyond fixing. If he can’t come to you and deal with you with some maturity, then say goodbye to him and rebuild yourself emotionally so you can have the strength and composure to raise your children.

If he can go 4 weeks without talking to you, he really doesn’t need you. But then he says he loves you. When it suits him. Pushme/Pullyou, like that animal in Dr. Doolittle. You end up never knowing where you stand. You look like the unstable one. Then he points and says “You’re crazy. You come on too strong.” Well, you wouldn’t need to do that with a man who would actually talk to you like a reasonable human being.

I can only suggest that if he cannot handle talking, that you email each other and have a dialogue. All grievances, problems handled in writing. Then he can reflect on them and write an answer. That’s a big basis of Retrouvaille, writing to each other.

If he will not communicate with you, tell him your lawyer will communicate with him for you. He is abusing you, dear. His sulking and pouting is babyish. He knows it hurts you and that’s why he does it. It gives him power over you. Even when you try to stay calm, he does not change his tactics. He’s hostile until he’s good and ready to make up? That’s manipulation. He’s not treating you like a wife, he’s treating you like a disobedient servant.

You’ve been extraordinarily patient with him. You’ve been through a lot in the last few months. You’re grieving a miscarriage and he’s giving you the silent treatment?

That makes me mad. My xh gave me the silent treatment in the delivery room for several hours of labor because he was mad that my mother was watching the 2 year old and 5 year old. I don’t know what he thought we were going to do with them! Let them panhandle in the lobby?

Who the hell IS he talking to for four weeks? This goes beyond abuse. It’s torture. Emotional cruelty.

Don’t you deserve better? What would you counsel your daughters to do if they were in your situation?

 

[Nino]

…after reading the above I also agree…my wife and I have been married for many many years…big family etc…we have always had points of disagreement…but we also never allowed it to continue longer then it should! He sounds so immature…I saw it in my teaching of teens in high school etc…too many boys have been brought up thinking the world revolves around them …that they are the center of the universe…what drew both of you together…in the first place…so many times the boy thinks the girl will never change…that she will forever be young and beautiful…while the girl thinks she can change the boy more closer to what she feels he should be…that causes extreme friction! I would make an ultimatum …set up a meeting on neutral ground and go over the good things you have both lived thru…then slowly bring the conversation up to the present…if there is any spark left both of you slowly hold hands…lock eyes and heart etc etc…if not…pray for God to resolve it and go with His answer…I will pray also…all the best…Nino

 

[nana3]

Hello, everybody.

  I know this is Jules' post, but if she doesn't mind, I'd like to "borrow" it for a minute.

  Since I too am in a rotten marriage, I'd like to know how I'm supposed to know if Jules and I should just "take it" and be saints like St. Rita, or if we should get on with our lives and try to find a man who will love us better - or at all.  It's a hard question to answer.  Is it a matter of personal choice or is it God's will?  In other words, did St. Rita choose to sanctify herself by following the Church's law to a T and not divorcing her husband, or did God "call" her to do it?  So far, I've gotten no "calls" from God.  The only thing I've gotten from God is that online buddy of mine who's in that chastity pledge with me.  Maybe that's just step 1 in His plan for me.  I agree with both sides, although, now I'm leaning toward separation.  I'm afraid that if I stay in the marriage in the hopes of becoming a saint like St. Rita, albeit a non-canonized one, I'm sure, I'll miss out on a chance to experience true love in this life.  There is also my daughter to consider.  How did St. Rita the whole time she was married impress upon her children that hers was a rotten marriage and not the type to be sought after?  I hope I speak for Jules too when I ask these questions.

Tracy

Tracy, I am not saying that you or Jules should stay in a marriage like St. Rita did to become saints. I said that through the suffering that she is enduring, she can become a saint. I too am in an unhappy marriage and like Jules said, it is very difficult sometimes to be “nice” and hold your tongue or not lash out. What helps us not to talk or to be nice is the Lord. At least with me, I see many areas that I had to improve in me or change in me by being married to a difficult man. Like Jules, I choose to stay in my marriage, because we see some good in our husbands and we see change. My dh has changed so much on his own, not me changing him. He will admit that he has changed also by me giving him some of my advice or by my example. Being a good example and a good Christian is not easy all the time when you are being yelled out and not respected. It is an opportunity to learn many virtues. I am just saying that Jules like all of us married folks, have in our marriages sources to grow in holiness. I am not saying to her or to anyone in an abusive relationship that they have to stay no matter what in their marriages.

St. Rita was born with many special gifts bestowed on her by God, that we don’t have. Her husband’s conversion came before her two sons were born. That alone is a great blessing, for as I know, it is difficult protecting the kids from their daddy all the time. When I said that I will ask St. Rita and St. Anne to pray for Jules and her marriage, it is because these women are known for helping marriages and couples. St. Rita is known for impossible cases.

I agree totally with Jules in that people can change. My mother use to tell me all the time, when I was first newlywed, that my dh will never change. He has changed in the last 8 years. When one gets closer to Jesus, one changes. We let go of the old self and put on the new self. I would never tell Jules or anyone to stay or leave a marriage. I can sympathize with her for at times I want out of my marriage and other times I see my dh’s kindness. I can empathize that he came from an abusive childhood as well. It is not an excuse for his behavior but helps me to understand why he believes the way he does. He has slowly seen that his way of thinking at times is irrational and abnormal because of how he grew up. People can change. Jesus will help them change.

I say to Jules or anyone in this kind of situation, that they are the ones who need to decide when they have had enough and can’t live this way anymore. God alone knows what she should do and all we can do is be here for her and pray for her and give our opinions or advice. She has to see what the Lord is telling her to do and do it. I know it is so difficult to know at times. The Lord is the one to give her the grace to suffer all she does.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

I would suggest that one stays as long as one has real hope of a change. Not false hope. Living on false hope is a mirage by Satan to strip us of real Hope.

There comes a point, though, that if one’s marriage is seriously endangering one’s health, safety or sanity that it is time to at least separate.

As on any ship, when it is going down, one realizes staying aboard isn’t an option anymore. That you either go down with the ship, or you man the lifeboats and abandon ship, women and children first.

Or sometimes it’s taken out of your hands, and you are pushed overboard. And that can be a sign of God’s will also. He alone can work good from evil.

Here’s some food for thought though:

1. When in his/her absence you actually have energy to get through the day. When you look forward to them being gone. (If you actually miss them while they’re gone, that’s a sign all might not be permanently lost. But if you dread them coming home from trips/work/the mailbox, etc. that’s a sign it’s getting to the hopeless stage.)
2. When you begin to doubt whether your emotions, thoughts, ideas and feelings have validity… and you start doing spouse’s work for them… making excuses for their bad behavior because you “weren’t being kind enough, holding your tongue, etc.” then that’s a sign that Brainwashing 101 has been a success and you are on your way to non-personhood status.
3. When you start lying to others about your spouse because the truth is so humiliating. I remember telling my family a Christmas gift from my MIL was really from my xh because I didn’t want to let them know he gave me nothing that year.
4. I’d say when one starts wishing daily one is dead because that is preferable to waking up with the spouse, that is a good sign things are wrong and maybe it’s time to abandon ship.
5. When you see your children being damaged by the family dynamic, it’s time for a big change. Go look at your family photos. If the look in their eyes resembles Bosnian refugees, it’s time to take them and escape. Photos DON’T lie.
6. When you start doubting the very love of God, it’s time to say goodbye.

 

[rayne89]

I would suggest that one stays as long as one has real hope of a change. Not false hope. Living on false hope is a mirage by Satan to strip us of real Hope.

There comes a point, though, that if one’s marriage is seriously endangering one’s health, safety or sanity that it is time to at least separate.

As on any ship, when it is going down, one realizes staying aboard isn’t an option anymore. That you either go down with the ship, or you man the lifeboats and abandon ship, women and children first.

Or sometimes it’s taken out of your hands, and you are pushed overboard. And that can be a sign of God’s will also. He alone can work good from evil.

Here’s some food for thought though:

1. When in his/her absence you actually have energy to get through the day. When you look forward to them being gone. (If you actually miss them while they’re gone, that’s a sign all might not be permanently lost. But if you dread them coming home from trips/work/the mailbox, etc. that’s a sign it’s getting to the hopeless stage.)
2. When you begin to doubt whether your emotions, thoughts, ideas and feelings have validity… and you start doing spouse’s work for them… making excuses for their bad behavior because you “weren’t being kind enough, holding your tongue, etc.” then that’s a sign that Brainwashing 101 has been a success and you are on your way to non-personhood status.
3. When you start lying to others about your spouse because the truth is so humiliating. I remember telling my family a Christmas gift from my MIL was really from my xh because I didn’t want to let them know he gave me nothing that year.
4. I’d say when one starts wishing daily one is dead because that is preferable to waking up with the spouse, that is a good sign things are wrong and maybe it’s time to abandon ship.
5. When you see your children being damaged by the family dynamic, it’s time for a big change. Go look at your family photos. If the look in their eyes resembles Bosnian refugees, it’s time to take them and escape. Photos DON’T lie.
6. When you start doubting the very love of God, it’s time to say goodbye.

While the list you give does indicate serious problems I know of several marriages that have bounced back from just about every item on your list (with alot of effort). No one should speak about anyone elses marriage as being “hopeless” or getting to a hopeless stage -only the two people involved in the marriage can make that assessment. I’m not even comfortable with Christians using the term hopeless. With God all things are possible -if it is His will he can heal anything. We should be praying to know what His will is.

 

[leonie]

I can’t offer any personal experience about this, but I know my sister was better off spiritually in her difficult marriage than out of it. In her marriage, she was persecuted for her faith. But, she read the Bible daily, went to Adoration, prayer groups weekly. She went to Mass every Sunday. And, confession 2X a month.

After her divorce, she gradually dropped every pious practice over a period of a few months and eventually married out of the church.

I know of two other women who lived a highly sacramental life in their difficult marriages and then after their marriages ended, fell into spiritual apathy.

These are only three cases, but it has made me re examine the world’s assumption that you are better off divorced than in a bad marriage.

I think spiritual direction is very important for people in bad marriages and maybe more so for those who leave the marriage.

 

[jules11]

While the list you give does indicate serious problems I know of several marriages that have bounced back from just about every item on your list (with alot of effort). No one should speak about anyone elses marriage as being “hopeless” or getting to a hopeless stage -only the two people involved in the marriage can make that assessment. I’m not even comfortable with Christians using the term hopeless. With God all things are possible -if it is His will he can heal anything. We should be praying to know what His will is.

Rayne, you are so right. On writing on a forum, we could never tell the whole story and there are two sides. Only God knows what is the right thing to do in any given situation.
What frustrates me is that I do not know which way to go. I think in times like now, that it’s too hard to deal with but when things are good, they couldn’t be better. But then I realise, it doesn’t matter if I make a decision today. If I leave everyday in God’s Hands and pray for His Will, then that’s the best thing and the right thing to do. I do not need an answer today.
It has occurred to me also, that I think I am so badly off as I don’t know whether we will be together next week, next month or next year because of our problems, but then I am no worse off than anyone else. One could be in a wonderful marriage that they expect to last forever but suddenly find themselves alone through any number of circumstances, maybe death.
God can change things. He does everyday.
Many people I have read about have bounced back after infidelity and have stronger marriages than ever. I think if you can get over that, you can get over anything.
It’s always hard, discerning God’s Will… but that’s all anyone can do. And any marriage, no matter how bad, can turn around. If it is God’s will and if the two people are willing to work hard.
This is not to say I know what to do about my situation… but that I’m willing to go whatever way I have to, where ever God leads me.

 

[jules11]

I can’t offer any personal experience about this, but I know my sister was better off spiritually in her difficult marriage than out of it. In her marriage, she was persecuted for her faith. But, she read the Bible daily, went to Adoration, prayer groups weekly. She went to Mass every Sunday. And, confession 2X a month.

After her divorce, she gradually dropped every pious practice over a period of a few months and eventually married out of the church.

I know of two other women who lived a highly sacramental life in their difficult marriages and then after their marriages ended, fell into spiritual apathy.

These are only three cases, but it has made me re examine the world’s assumption that you are better off divorced than in a bad marriage.

I think spiritual direction is very important for people in bad marriages and maybe more so for those who leave the marriage.

Wow, very interesting…
Maybe I could view this cross as a gift from God to keep me faithful to Him, as maybe He knows, that without it, I may lose my soul.

 

[jules11]

…after reading the above I also agree…my wife and I have been married for many many years…big family etc…we have always had points of disagreement…but we also never allowed it to continue longer then it should! He sounds so immature…I saw it in my teaching of teens in high school etc…too many boys have been brought up thinking the world revolves around them …that they are the center of the universe…what drew both of you together…in the first place…so many times the boy thinks the girl will never change…that she will forever be young and beautiful…while the girl thinks she can change the boy more closer to what she feels he should be…that causes extreme friction! I would make an ultimatum …set up a meeting on neutral ground and go over the good things you have both lived thru…then slowly bring the conversation up to the present…if there is any spark left both of you slowly hold hands…lock eyes and heart etc etc…if not…pray for God to resolve it and go with His answer…I will pray also…all the best…Nino

And thank you for your prayers Nino.
Just to clarify…my husband did not grow up thinking that the world revolved around him, quite the opposite actually. He was despised by his mother and stepfather.
To the day she died, his mother showed him very little love.
It is very childish the way he handles things, I agree, but I don’t believe it is done with malice. He has told me sincerely, that he does it to protect himself and so we don’t argue. I just don’t think he gets it how much madder it makes me and more inclined to fight.
Now we are at the point that it makes it harder and more uncomfortable to try to sort it out.
Thanks again for the prayers from you and all who have responded. I really appreciate them.
God bless

 

[BlueKnight]

I am trained in couple’s therapy extensively in two models of it.

I want to clarify a few points however. The withdrawer is not abusing the persuer by withholding the love. Actually its because the withdrawer doesn’t feel “safe” both because of his own insecurities and because often the pursuer is so on the attack for love and validation that they are unable to register and feel love, so even when the withdrawer tries they get shot down.

People in this dynamic are “testing” each other to see if the other “really” loves them. When the other fails the “test” the persuer then feels validated to go on the attack, yet again, and the withdrawer feels no other choice but to move away.

This “testing” is the way unhealthy couples have a dialogue and it happens because people do not feel loved, respected, and cared for anymore. Often it is a mix of things; often the result of an insecure attachment style. Someone who never felt comfortable in love, never felt loved, felt abused as a child or was abused, or like many people, have difficulty with the challenges of the closest form of intimacy, the couple. All to be expected and empathized with.

As for the Lady who had the affair. Affairs happen for all kinds of reasons and though I do no know the reason you had your affair I will mention a few you may not have thought about. Having an affair triangulates another person into the relationship, or adds a third party, to create a wedge between you and your primary partner. Sometimes affairs happen because its a way for the person having the affair to force the relationship into crisis because it was not working for a very long time and they did not know any other way to get that relationship into the frame that something needs to be done. Also, its might be a way to put the breaks on a relationship that is too threatening (can’t tolerate the closeness) or painful (can’t tolerate how you feel). I mention these because they define some pretty common dynamics and phenomenon that happen in couples. As for divorce, I’m so against that, but yes they train couples therapists that sometimes divorces is a viable option. Generally that happens when one or both people are emotionally and psychologically divorced from their partner and have no desire to mend the relationship. Also, some people may advocate it when one partner is physically violent to the other and is threatening their partner’s life.

To the lady whose husband is angry with her, you have to accept that anger and give him the opportunity to forgive you. You know, forgiveness is not something we do once like God is able to in confession, for human beings, forgiveness needs to be a continual, sometimes many times a day thing. Here is a little blurb about forgiveness that I was given in training.

Genuine forgiveness is conditional. It must be earned. The offender must be willing to work hard to pay his debt and the hurt partner must be willing to work hard to let go of her resentment. Both must do the requisite work for genuine forgiveness to occur.

Genuine forgiveness requires a transfer of vigilance. The offending party demonstrates hat he is fully conscious of his transgressions and intends to never repeat them, and the hurt party can, therefore, become less preoccupied with the injury. The victimized party no longer has to hold the other accountable for the injustice; he holds himself accountable.

What offenders must do to earn forgiveness:

• Challenge their mistaken assumptions that block their ability to make meaningful repairs.

• Bear witness to the pain they caused.

• Apologize genuinely, non-defensively.

• Seek to understand their behavior so that they don’t repeat the injury.

• Work to earn back trust.

• Forgive themselves for harming their partner.

What hurt parties must do to grean forgiveness:

• Challenge their mistaken assumptions that block their efforts to grant forgiveness.

• With the offender’s help, work to attain a position of acceptance of the injury, whereby they learn to control their pain, make sense of the injury, and carve out a relationship with the offender that works for them.

Steps toward achieving acceptance:

• Honor their emotions.

• Give up the need for revenge but seek a just resolution.

• Protect themselves from further abuse.

• Frame the offenders’ behavior in terms of their own personal struggles.

• Look honestly at their own contribution to the injury.

• Challenge their mistaken ideas about what really happened.

• Look at the offender apart from the offense, weighing the good and the bad.

• Decide what kind of relationship they want with the offender.

• Forgive themselves for their own failings.

Create opportunities for the offender to help you heal.

You should pray every day for your husband so that he can forgive you. Forgiveness is really a divine quality.

Blue Knight

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Great post, Blue Knight. I’ve never seen it listed like that. Makes sense.

I don’t mean to let everyone think anything is hopeless. My experience, as you know, colors everything. And I held onto hope for years. Even letting him back in to make it work. But he used that to hurt me worse. And people asked why I kept trying. And I told them “When he’s good, he’s very good.” But the abusive personality is a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde. And that keeps one off balance. It’s not so horrible ALL the time that you can justify leaving. But eventually it was more one than the other. And he took it out of my hands by leaving a second time. Yes, he claimed he wanted to come back again (calling the night before the court hearing 1.5 years after he filed the second time when the judge said for him to fish or cut bait.) He asked me “Do you really want this divorce?” I informed him it was HIS divorce, and he had already filed twice, and he didn’t get to do this to me a third time. And I hung up on him.

Now, some may say I had abandoned hope. But really, by then I was sick of his manipulation and suspect he was realizing it was “cheaper to keep her.” After what he had done, I was not going to let him try to destroy me again.

Yes, God is a third party in a marriage. But by that time he had completely stopped practicing his religion. There was nothing to work with. I wasn’t going to be married to someone who did not want God as part of his life.

I would tell anyone to hang onto hope… until the other spouse starts using that hope to manipulate you and control you and abuse you.

Here’s some indications things MAY work:

1. The other party has a sincere and devout prayer and faith life.
2. The other person genuinely and freely offers to pray with you as a couple.
3. The other person attempts to make amends for the injuries caused to you.
4. The other person does not blame you and justify their acts by what you did.
5. The other person attempts to continue to maintain relationships with your family members.
6. The other person makes comments about future plans that include you. (i.e., “someday when we retire, woudn’t it be fun to live here?”)
7. The other person seeks ways to make peace (that don’t include walking away for a month), but says things like “I don’t want to fight with you. Let’s each write down three ways we think we can solve this problem and compare our answers and see if we have any joint areas of agreement.”) Meaning, real, concrete, and sane ways to deal with you that don’t label you as the crazy one.
8. The person, if they are suffering from depression, anxiety, alcoholism or other issues, is attempting to get good, solid concrete help for that issue.
9. No affairs are going on with other people, physical or emotional.
10. The other person seeks you out for fun companionship and acts like they actually want to be with you too.

These are some indications you have something to work with and you aren’t the only one trying to make the marriage work.

 

[BlueKnight]

Yes, that was very well put Liberanosamalo I agree with what you said.

I’d like to add that they did some reaserch and they had the following finding. During initial 45 minute interviews, if one of the partners in the couple expressed contempt for their partner, its was 90% predictive for divorce, and it is one of the things we look for as therapist to gage the relationship and its future. It takes a lot of love and help to heal some people, and its just plain tough and a battle. But with proper help, and love, and God’s help, miracles do happen. But sadly, they do not always.

Blue Knight

 

[JenniferMoon]

I am trained in couple’s therapy extensively in two models of it.

I want to clarify a few points however. The withdrawer is not abusing the persuer by withholding the love. Actually its because the withdrawer doesn’t feel “safe” both because of his own insecurities and because often the pursuer is so on the attack for love and validation that they are unable to register and feel love, so even when the withdrawer tries they get shot down.

BlueKnight, I was very surprised by this comment and I do hope you will clarify. Are you speaking only about this particular woman’s situation or do you mean in most/all marriages where one spouse refuses to speak to another?
I found it rather surprising coming from someone who is “trained in couple’s therapy” to make that suggestion, given all the imformation the OP gave. I even went backand reread all of it, just to be sure, and there is no way I would call her husband’s behavior anything less than verbal/emotional abuse. If one refers to Patricia Evan’s The Verbally Abusive Relationship and well as many verbal/emotional abuse websites, and then everything I have learned at Haven House, from speaking to the Domestic Violence Unit at my local sheriff’s station, and my own Catholic Charities Therapist, they would all be saying something quite different than what you stated.
I think perhaps you might take a look at this following link.

youareatarget.com/abuserview.html

 

[nana3]

I can’t offer any personal experience about this, but I know my sister was better off spiritually in her difficult marriage than out of it. In her marriage, she was persecuted for her faith. But, she read the Bible daily, went to Adoration, prayer groups weekly. She went to Mass every Sunday. And, confession 2X a month.

After her divorce, she gradually dropped every pious practice over a period of a few months and eventually married out of the church.

I know of two other women who lived a highly sacramental life in their difficult marriages and then after their marriages ended, fell into spiritual apathy.

These are only three cases, but it has made me re examine the world’s assumption that you are better off divorced than in a bad marriage.

I think spiritual direction is very important for people in bad marriages and maybe more so for those who leave the marriage.

I agree with this and this is what I was trying to say, but didn’t know how, that in bad marriages one has the ability to be sanctified and grow spiritually and in virtue.

 

[BlueKnight]

It kind of impossible for me to be overly specific to this one case because I’m only hearing one side of the story and I don’t know all the details. I was speaking about couples in general and hoping something about what I said would ring true. A lot of what she was saying however, and in particular the way she was saying it, made me feel and think that she was definately fitting into the role of a persuer who is detracting, harranging, and persecuting her husband for not “loving” her enough. This information I have is from over a year of training and thought, reading and reflection, and perhaps this wasn’t the best place to share it because it isn’t something you can get or understand easily to be honest.

As for abusive relationships, that is actually a totally different topic as I am not talking about abusive situations, nor would I necessarily say that this man who has withdrawn from his wife is in fact abusing her. That would not at all fit the definition of abuse or the abusive situation.

Thoughtfully,

Blue Knight