How do I love this neighbor?

  • Thread starter Thread starter gwenred
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
G

gwenred

Guest
Hey, I’m still fairly new to these boards, and y’all seem to have quite a bit of common sense along with a desire to live a Christian life,so I would appreciate some advice on a situation I am in.

I’m sure we’ve all met people who just don’t “click” with us as close friends, but we still do our best to treat them with kindness, Christian charity, etc. How do I apply this same principal to a neighbor who really wants to be my close confidant, lunch partner, walk partner, concert partner, ANYthing partner, etc., but I really am not interested.

I have tried to do things with her, and honestly, she just makes me nuts. She is rather high strung with the energy that tends to go along with high strung. She has no concept of personal space or personal boundaries in conversation, and every time I see her, I get a talk about how much she appreciates our “relationship,” how she wants it to “grow and develop,” as if we were a couple! As you can imagine, these conversations always make me make me extremely uncomfortable, especially since I really don’t feel like we “click” even as casual friends. Even flippant comments, such as “Gee, Zelma (not her real name), do you want to be friends or lovers” just make her laugh, and she does not get normal body language cues that I know I give off because she makes me so uncomfortable.

I want to be a good neighbor, as Jesus calls us to be, to be pleasant when I see her, and of course, if she were ill or in need, I would try to help her. But any contact with her at all seems to spark the “relationship” talk and she begins trying to discuss all matter of personal subjects. I have used the “I’m really busy right now” tactic to death, but it just does not phase her in any way.

So I wonder what y’all think – is it Christian charity to keep putting her off? Or is the Christian thing to just keep trying to be a friend as best I can, and occasionally do something with her? When, out of guilt, I do plan something with her, I end up coming home, venting to my husband about how she makes me crazy, and feeling a huge AAARRRRGGGGH! that I know is not very Christian, either. Is there ever a time when it is acceptable as a Christian to very directly say, “Gee Zelma, I’m just not interested in developing a close friendship right now, doing lunch, concerts, walks, or really anything?” Sometimes I think I should just use her own type of “relationship” language and just “break up” with her!

So please, I’m appealing to the collective Christian conscious here - any ways that y’all have learned to deal with people in these situations will be appreciated! Thanks!
 
Being christian doesn’t mean you have to be super close friends with people that you don’t click with. It does mean as you say, continue to be polite, courteous, and friendly to your neighbor - those are christian virtues to be proud of.

I would continue to be nice as you’ve said, but if going places with her makes you that upset, I’m not sure I would go. Or can you go with “back up” i.e. other friends so its not so much one on one conversations? Good luck

It could be much worse - I’ve got some neighbors I wouldn’t wish on anybody.
 
This is a person who seems to fit the description of somebody who is forcing themself on another --you.

I would say that you should simply express your independence and live your life that way. I would sit there once and just look at her silently until she stopped yakking, and then made it clear, as gently as possible, that you would like to have some “space” and not be around “anybody” at times.

somehow you have to express the idea that you don’t want to give her offense, and when she takes offense, that you are sorry she interprets it that way.

She is obviously trying to manipulate you. Maybe that is something to confront her with, gently.

If it’s all or nothing with her, you have to let her make that decision. unless you want to make it for her.

Or better yet, make a “date” with her for something, you know, five or six days from now, and then say “see you THEN.” If you can somehow slow her down. If she tries to catch you midstream, remind her of the “date” and “see you THEN”

You also could try not using deodorant, bad breath, or the like until she found the correct distance from you. Or, you could take a day off and go and criticize something in her house. or something like that to make her think about smothering you so much.

Pretend you’re a nun and treat her as a sister would, charitably but firmly.
 
Neighbor being “next door” (20 feet away), or a few houses down?

The “TMI” thing is something earned between friends over time, not something “downloaded” to neighbors. You need to tell her this up front (if she doesn’t “get it”).

Go into “developing this relationship” on YOUR terms… and enforce/defend your “bubble” (to use my daughter’s phrase).
 
Thanks, neighbors! You’ve helped me clarify my thoughts and given some excellent suggestions. Jay, I am going to use your expression “you can only aim at a duck for so long” in as many conversations as possible - even though I have no idea what it means, I love it!
gr
 
(Duck Hunting… you can only aim so long before you have to shoot. If you wait & wait & wait for the “perfect” shot you’ll go hungry.) 😉
 
Well, if she is really your friend you should be able to tell her how you feel about all this and she should be able to understand. If she does not, then don’t feel bad that she really was not “your friend”. You will take a big weight off your shoulders…😃
 
Is she a Catholic? If not, evangelise her. In the process you just might find something you have in common after all. Invite her to pray the rosary & Divine Mercy chaplet with you. Have pamphlets handy, give her tapes and DVDs, especially Fr Corapi. Get her to watch them with you if she keeps coming over.

Who knows, if she isn’t interested she may even try to avoid you in the future.
 
*"Is she a Catholic? If not, evangelise her. In the process you just might find something you have in common after all. Invite her to pray the rosary & Divine Mercy chaplet with you. Have pamphlets handy, give her tapes and DVDs, especially Fr Corapi. Get her to watch them with you if she keeps coming over.

Who knows, if she isn’t interested she may even try to avoid you in the future."*

All of you have been great in responding, and I appreciate everyone’s thoughts.

At the moment, having dodged three phone calls in the past 48 hours that are becoming more and more persistent, I think the tactic above is so far my favorite! I’ll have to pray about this, because I don’t just want to appear as a religious nut, and I know that if I can’t do it sincerely, I’ll have to just keep saying “Sorry, but no that won’t work for me” 100,200, however many times – but I think Eileen is on to something!

If I combine that with a little assertiveness regarding my personal boundaries, mix it with the always effective, “Gee, that sounds like fun, but I just CAN’T today, and we’re really swamped for the next couple of weeks,” and then thank God for the person who invented caller ID so I don’t have to be caught off guard . . . . I might just be able to stay in a state of grace!

Thank you all, and much peace to you!
gr
 
I hope she is not a catholic and hounding someone like you.
gwenred said:
*"Is she a Catholic? If not, evangelise her. In the process you just might find something you have in common after all. Invite her to pray the rosary & Divine Mercy chaplet with you. Have pamphlets handy, give her tapes and DVDs, especially Fr Corapi. Get her to watch them with you if she keeps coming over.

Who knows, if she isn’t interested she may even try to avoid you in the future."*

All of you have been great in responding, and I appreciate everyone’s thoughts.

At the moment, having dodged three phone calls in the past 48 hours that are becoming more and more persistent, I think the tactic above is so far my favorite! I’ll have to pray about this, because I don’t just want to appear as a religious nut, and I know that if I can’t do it sincerely, I’ll have to just keep saying “Sorry, but no that won’t work for me” 100,200, however many times – but I think Eileen is on to something!

If I combine that with a little assertiveness regarding my personal boundaries, mix it with the always effective, “Gee, that sounds like fun, but I just CAN’T today, and we’re really swamped for the next couple of weeks,” and then thank God for the person who invented caller ID so I don’t have to be caught off guard . . . . I might just be able to stay in a state of grace!

Thank you all, and much peace to you!
gr
Click to expand...
 
You can be firm about your distance and about the choice of subjects of activities. You can always request her to keep at least a foot or two away, you can deny to talk about private matters. You can also stop trying to keep the conversation alive. You don’t need to do whatever she feels like and it’s fine if you say you just don’t feel like doing that, you feel like being alone, or with someone else. If the “relationship” talk bothers you, you can request her to stop it. That’s how I see it through the “rights” perspective, but I’m helpless when it comes to charity. Still, you can’t allow her to manipulate your or devastate you and make you tired or grumpy for your family.
 
At the moment, having dodged three phone calls in the past 48 hours that are becoming more and more persistent
Click to expand...
Okay, I’m going to deviate from everyone else, Gwen–that throws up a HUGE red flag. Being pesky is one thing, but this is bordering on harassment/stalking. I totally disagree with the above comment to “evangelize” her–it sounds like she’d take that and RUN with it. In her “deepening the relationship” talk, she’d think you were so genuinely concerned about her as to share your religion with her. . . frankly, it scares me for you. I believe this would give her even more of an opportunity to try to ensconce herself in your life. Three phone calls in the past 48 hours, becoming more persistent? For your own safety, you have to stop this.

Right now, you should call her back and in no uncertain terms tell her to stop calling you, coming over to your house, talking with you, etc. or else you will file a stalking report with the police. Seriously. It’s not being unchristian or uncatholic to set unmistakable boundaries with people who find you an easy target for whatever reason–in this woman’s case, finding you as an attractive “deep relationship” partner. That freaks me out for you.
 
Also adding: being charitable does not mean being “nice” all the time and being at this woman’s beck and call. It also doesn’t mean that you have to “analyze” or try to figure out why this woman is this way, and that you have to be “charitable” to make up for whatever she’s obviously lacking.

And since your username is Gwen, I’ll assume you’re a woman–my point is that, as a woman, one of the most powerful words you can and should use is NO. We’re “programmed” or whatever to “not be rude”, be nice, do the charitable thing, we’ll feel guilty if we don’t. . . phooey. That kind of behaviour has led many women to be run down, self-doubting, non-energetic, dreading certain people and/or situations–and worse. Pardon, but every alarm bell in me is going off where this woman is concerned. Just because you’re her neighbor doesn’t mean you have to put up with it.
 
You could say something using the same “relationship” idea. Like, “You know, maybe it’s silly, but I feel kind of odd about all of this and don’t really feel as if I know you well enough to call you a close friend yet. We haven’t known each other very long, after all.” And see where that takes you. At least that is sending the message that you are not necessarily on the same page with her, but in a polite way.
 
*“Okay, I’m going to deviate from everyone else, Gwen–that throws up a HUGE red flag. Being pesky is one thing, but this is bordering on harassment/stalking.” *

Thanks, Two sweet girls – I have felt that way at times. Sometimes she has called 4 or 5 times in a day (even in a matter of hours) before I finally called her back . . .

I don’t think she’s dangerous, just very needy, but you have made some excellent points, and you know, there actually have been a few times I have compared her in my mind to a stalker.

I was praying about this just this morning, and now all of you have helped me to make a resolution! I’ll let you know how it goes!
 
Let us know what happens, Gwen. I didn’t mean to come off too strong, but we had our own neighbor situations before we moved, and I finally had to put a stop to it with the help of law enforcement. I’m still plenty wigged out for you, though, and if you’ve compared her to a stalker, then you have to put yourself and your family first.

Please post an update.
❤️
 
OK, here’s the update, and I really appreciated having somewhere to bounce all of this and get some Christian advice.

I did see this neighbor today. She called, and I decided to just go ahead and see her, and hope that the opportunity would present itself to say something assertive but charitable. It did, and don’t even know now exactly what I said, but I did my best to express how uncomfortable I was with her “friendship” discussions, because although we were on “friendly” terms, I really did not reciprocate the feeling that we had developed “close” friendship.

She did not react at ALL - she kept a frozen smile on her face the whole time I talked, then literally picked up the conversation as though I had said nothing, and reminded me that anytime I want to get together, just let her know.

So time will tell if she heard me or not, but I will no longer feel guilty if I do avoid her thanks to the dear member who made sure to let me know that even St. Therese had to “flee” from those whom she could not keep her patience with!

This is a fabulous community - thanks for the support and advice!
 
Oh my gosh! Do we have the same neighbor?!!

I could ditto practically all of your first post & especially this from another post of yours:
I don’t think she’s dangerous, just very needy
Click to expand...
& my neighbor just can’t understand why her child is such a high needs kid :eek:. She also can’t understand why her friends all seem to ditch her after a little while . . . nor can she understand how a few of her friends forgot to call her when they had a moving party or when the baby was born . . . etc etc etc.
 
gwenred said:
Hey, I’m still fairly new to these boards, and y’all seem to have quite a bit of common sense along with a desire to live a Christian life,so I would appreciate some advice on a situation I am in.

I’m sure we’ve all met people who just don’t “click” with us as close friends, but we still do our best to treat them with kindness, Christian charity, etc. How do I apply this same principal to a neighbor who really wants to be my close confidant, lunch partner, walk partner, concert partner, ANYthing partner, etc., but I really am not interested.

I have tried to do things with her, and honestly, she just makes me nuts. She is rather high strung with the energy that tends to go along with high strung. She has no concept of personal space or personal boundaries in conversation, and every time I see her, I get a talk about how much she appreciates our “relationship,” how she wants it to “grow and develop,” as if we were a couple! As you can imagine, these conversations always make me make me extremely uncomfortable, especially since I really don’t feel like we “click” even as casual friends. Even flippant comments, such as “Gee, Zelma (not her real name), do you want to be friends or lovers” just make her laugh, and she does not get normal body language cues that I know I give off because she makes me so uncomfortable.

I want to be a good neighbor, as Jesus calls us to be, to be pleasant when I see her, and of course, if she were ill or in need, I would try to help her. But any contact with her at all seems to spark the “relationship” talk and she begins trying to discuss all matter of personal subjects. I have used the “I’m really busy right now” tactic to death, but it just does not phase her in any way.

So I wonder what y’all think – is it Christian charity to keep putting her off? Or is the Christian thing to just keep trying to be a friend as best I can, and occasionally do something with her? When, out of guilt, I do plan something with her, I end up coming home, venting to my husband about how she makes me crazy, and feeling a huge AAARRRRGGGGH! that I know is not very Christian, either. Is there ever a time when it is acceptable as a Christian to very directly say, “Gee Zelma, I’m just not interested in developing a close friendship right now, doing lunch, concerts, walks, or really anything?” Sometimes I think I should just use her own type of “relationship” language and just “break up” with her!

So please, I’m appealing to the collective Christian conscious here - any ways that y’all have learned to deal with people in these situations will be appreciated! Thanks!
Click to expand...
I’m not sure where in the Bible it states this, but there is a passage (short one) that speaks of not hanging out at your neighbor’s house, and in his/her house too long (not in those words, but you know what I mean lol) Basically…we shouldn’t be in or around our neighbors, wearing our welcome out too much. It referred to getting involved in another’s business too much, and that happened to me a few years ago, with a brand new neighbor couple who moved in next door to us in PA. It really actually started to become a problem, over time. We should be kind, helpful…but if you do not want to spend a lot of personal time with this person, you could say…‘I’ve really got a lot going on…so, why don’t I call you when we can get together?’ I think it is nice that she seems to like your company, but she needs to learn boundaries. Nothing wrong with that. Good luck to you!
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top