How do I politely tell someone I don't want to go out to "get to know him better"?

[jmcrae]

Honestly my doubts about his intentions aren’t the main reason I don’t want to do this. The main problem is he’s the person where, when he’s talking to me at work, I’m generally hoping he’ll stop talking and go bother someone else soon. I find him incredibly dull, rather self-absorbed, and lazy, and I don’t want to go listen to him talk about himself and his stupid car and things like that for an evening.

The trouble is if I say “no thank you” he’ll ask “why not” and then I feel like I have to make up some excuse, because “I just don’t like you” isn’t polite.

Turn it around on him. Say something like, “you seem like a nice enough person, but we have nothing interesting in common. I can’t imagine you enjoying my company and listening to me ramble on about [your most boring hobby] for a whole evening.”

 

[PolarGuy]

With due respect, darklight, you’re getting pestered; have gotten a ton of good advice, and after telling us how you want nothing to do with this man, now you’re suggesting that maybe he’s not so bad; this isn’t harassment; you don’t want to hurt his feelings; etc.

There’s no way around this: nothing but a firm no, forever, is going to work, the firmer the better…

…and why worry about the feelings of someone pestering you for a date (and he is!) at the expense of his girlfriend?

You have to decide why you won’t just say no the man.

 

[Xantippe]

Turn it around on him. Say something like, “you seem like a nice enough person, but we have nothing interesting in common. I can’t imagine you enjoying my company and listening to me ramble on about [your most boring hobby] for a whole evening.”

Nah. He’s going to say, “I LOVE cross stitch, figure skating and Downton Abbey!!!”

 

[Anglewannabe]

I do feel like a lot of people are overexaggerating the situation. This isn’t a case of harassment - it’s a case, like I said, that I feel like I don’t know how to say “I don’t want to spend time with you” without coming across as just being mean. Which was kind of the point of the thread here - how do I say that in a way that doesn’t come across as mean?

And that is 100% my point. You need to realize there are times where you will hurt someone and that is just called being assertive. Just so ‘I really would appreciate you quit asking’ is a level tone.

This is 100% about you getting a back bone

 

[jmcrae]

Nah. He’s going to say, “I LOVE cross stitch, figure skating and Downton Abbey!!!”

Then you reply, Wow, that’s just weird, and walk away.

 

[Xantippe]

Then you reply, Wow, that’s just weird, and walk away.

That was VERY funny.

 

[Xantippe]

If he is not being rude, simply say “no thank you” if he says “why not” then reply “no thank you” anyway even though it doesn’t directly answer his question. if he says “why can’t you, do you have plans?” simply say “no thank you” again

I promise you that this SKILL will serve you will in other areas of your life. You will not have to think of excuses, run the other way when you see someone coming, worry about running into someone, worry about what you are going to say etc. Simply say “No thank you” over and over again with a polite smile when the person asks are you busy say “no thank you I cannot go” if they pressure you simply keep saying no thank you I am sorry I cannot and keep repeating!

This is a SKILL Darklight and will serve you well in live when it comes to men like this co worker, people who want you to volunteer at church and you are not interested, women who want you to join them but you are unable to, people who want you to join their committee but you don’t have the time, relatives who think it is your turn to host an event but you are not up for it at this time…please consider that this is not just a one time thing but learning to stand up for yourself in this small way is really not so small. Do not reveal details of your life, do not give excuses, do not give reasons why you cannot do things you do not have to do this.

Right.

And it is VERY rude if he continues to insist once you’ve said no.

 

[CatholicRaven]

If he is not being rude, simply say “no thank you” if he says “why not” then reply “no thank you” anyway even though it doesn’t directly answer his question. if he says “why can’t you, do you have plans?” simply say “no thank you” again

I promise you that this SKILL will serve you will in other areas of your life. You will not have to think of excuses, run the other way when you see someone coming, worry about running into someone, worry about what you are going to say etc. Simply say “No thank you” over and over again with a polite smile when the person asks are you busy say “no thank you I cannot go” if they pressure you simply keep saying no thank you I am sorry I cannot and keep repeating!

This is a SKILL Darklight and will serve you well in live when it comes to men like this co worker, people who want you to volunteer at church and you are not interested, women who want you to join them but you are unable to, people who want you to join their committee but you don’t have the time, relatives who think it is your turn to host an event but you are not up for it at this time…please consider that this is not just a one time thing but learning to stand up for yourself in this small way is really not so small. Do not reveal details of your life, do not give excuses, do not give reasons why you cannot do things you do not have to do this.

Absolutely THIS.

It’s not rude to NOT give an excuse (especially when it’s a lie). A simple “no, thank you,” is all the information you are obligated to give.

 

[Faxero]

VERY bad idea, can be construed as a threat, then you become the bad person. Dark is approaching it correctly by not antagonising, she just needs to be more clear that No is afinal answer.

Well, when push comes to shove… .

There are some who, for whatever reason, cannot take a hint, or have greater difficulty in understanding hints. When dealing with such people, a more straightforward approach might be more prudent/charitable long-term.

Here, this website might help Darklight in her social endeavors. changingminds.org/techniques/assertiveness/saying_no.htm

 

[Bill_Martin]

Honestly my doubts about his intentions aren’t the main reason I don’t want to do this. The main problem is he’s the person where, when he’s talking to me at work, I’m generally hoping he’ll stop talking and go bother someone else soon. I find him incredibly dull, rather self-absorbed, and lazy, and I don’t want to go listen to him talk about himself and his stupid car and things like that for an evening.

The trouble is if I say “no thank you” he’ll ask “why not” and then I feel like I have to make up some excuse, because “I just don’t like you” isn’t polite.

You don’t need to explain or excuse your decision. It’s none of his business. If he asks why not, just politely say “I said no.” It’s perfectly acceptable.

 

[Maximilan_Kolbe]

Write a note letting him down easily.

" *Dear Steve -

Welcome to Dumpville.

Population: You *"

The key is sensitivity.

 

[The_Old_Maid]

Here’s another excuse the OP will find is not helpful: the purported girlfriend. Others say “mention the girlfriend.”

I say no.

Why do I say no? Because 5 seconds after he gets into a fight with her, or she never existed, or otherwise she is removed from his life, you become his one-and-only. And do you know what that makes you?

Leonard: What would you be if you were attached to another object by an inclined plane, wrapped helically around an axis?

Sheldon: Screwed.

Leonard: There you go.

The OP is so worried about being unkind to the suitor that she is being unkind to herself. Yes, there is a risk in rejecting a co-worker or customer. However, learning to say No is a basic grown-up skill. "Wherever you go, there you are." If this fellow slipped on a banana peel and fell into a wormhole tomorrow, someone else would enter your life who pushes the same button: a lascivious boss, an abusive bridezilla, a scary hitchhiker, a shady door-to-door salesman, or the man who walks up to you after worship service and says, “*God’s Holy Spirit told me I shall marry you.” *

The OP needs to receive and believe that ***“Other people have a right not to fall in love with you, and you have a right not to fall in love with them.” ***

Saying “no, thank you” again and again is essential. And having witnesses might not hurt.

And print out a copy of Monicad’s reply just upthread from this, and carry it in your wallet.

 

[Faxero]

If he is not being rude, simply say “no thank you” if he says “why not” then reply “no thank you” anyway even though it doesn’t directly answer his question. if he says “why can’t you, do you have plans?” simply say “no thank you” again

I promise you that this SKILL will serve you will in other areas of your life. You will not have to think of excuses, run the other way when you see someone coming, worry about running into someone, worry about what you are going to say etc. Simply say “No thank you” over and over again with a polite smile when the person asks are you busy say “no thank you I cannot go” if they pressure you simply keep saying no thank you I am sorry I cannot and keep repeating!

Saying “no, thank you” again and again is essential. And having witnesses might not hurt.

And print out a copy of Monicad’s reply just upthread from this, and carry it in your wallet.

You two, among others, seem to be referring to the 'broken record’ method.
changingminds.org/techniques/resisting/broken_record.htm

No matter what the co-worker says, no matter how he says it, keep repeating the same answer over and over again.



co-worker → “Do you want to hang out with me”?

Darklight → “No.”

co-worker → “Why?”

Darklight → “Because I don’t want to.” or “Because I don’t feel like it.” (Or some variation of that.)

co-worker →

Darklight → “I’m sorry. I know this means a lot to you, but I’m not going to spend time with you.” (Or some variation of that.)

co-worker → (whatever his response would be)

Darklight → “I’m sorry. I know this means a lot to you, but I’m not going to spend time with you.” (Or some variation of that.)

co-worker → (whatever his response would be)

Darklight → “I’m sorry. I know this means a lot to you, but no.” (Or some variation of that.)

co-worker → “Okay.”



The next day, repeat the exact same reasons.

Barricade your mind. Repel the enemy via constant vigilance. Don’t budge an inch.
changingminds.org/techniques/resisting/stonewalling.htm

 

[Xantippe]

Here’s another excuse the OP will find is not helpful: the purported girlfriend. Others say “mention the girlfriend.”

I say no.

Why do I say no? Because 5 seconds after he gets into a fight with her, or she never existed, or otherwise she is removed from his life, you become his one-and-only.

[snip]

Saying “no, thank you” again and again is essential. And having witnesses might not hurt.

And print out a copy of Monicad’s reply just upthread from this, and carry it in your wallet.

Those are very good points–especially the initial stuff about the girlfriend.

 

[ela2]

“I’m sorry, I don’t want to go out with you. Please don’t ask me again. Thank you.”

That’s polite…now it’s his turn to be polite and respect that.

 

[DarkLight]

Those are very good points–especially the initial stuff about the girlfriend.

Of course now he’s insisting she’s “just a friend,” apparently. (Failing to mention that he has a child with her, of course…)

 

[Chayla]

When I face such circumstances at my job, I tell the man that it’s awkward for me to socialize one-on-one after work with men, as it can be misconstrued and lead to workplace gossip and other workplace problems.

I make it very clear that I have a personal policy to NOT associate with male co-workers one-on-one when outside of work.

AND, this approach has been effective, and prevented workplace conflicts with these co-workers.

 

[Melissa]

Of course now he’s insisting she’s “just a friend,” apparently. (Failing to mention that he has a child with her, of course…)

In all seriousness, it is not rude to simply say “No, thank you.” without further explanations as to why/why not.

If he is gauche enough to ask “why not?” after being told “no, thank you”, you can go with the broken record (keep repeating “no, thank you”) or try this script:

CW: Do you want to go out after work tonight?
DL: No, thank you
CW: why not?
DL: Please do not ask again. Now, I really must get this TPS report finished. [turn back to work]

It’s not rude to be firm. It is not necessary to justify/defend/explain (the A in JADE doesn’t really fit this situation), just say what you mean and mean what you say.

 

[Xantippe]

In all seriousness, it is not rude to simply say “No, thank you.” without further explanations as to why/why not.

If he is gauche enough to ask “why not?” after being told “no, thank you”, you can go with the broken record (keep repeating “no, thank you”) or try this script:

CW: Do you want to go out after work tonight?
DL: No, thank you
CW: why not?
DL: Please do not ask again. Now, I really must get this TPS report finished. [turn back to work]

It’s not rude to be firm. It is not necessary to justify/defend/explain (the A in JADE doesn’t really fit this situation), just say what you mean and mean what you say.

I like your script even better.

People who are nice to know understand that the refusal of an invitation is not the beginning of a negotiation. Also, an invitation is not a subpoena.

 

[Bruised_Reed]

Then you reply, Wow, that’s just weird, and walk away.

LOL

Absolutely THIS.

It’s not rude to NOT give an excuse (especially when it’s a lie). A simple “no, thank you,” is all the information you are obligated to give.

Yes. But see below…

You two, among others, seem to be referring to the 'broken record’ method.
changingminds.org/techniques/resisting/broken_record.htm

No matter what the co-worker says, no matter how he says it, keep repeating the same answer over and over again.



co-worker → “Do you want to hang out with me”?

Darklight → “No.”

co-worker → “Why?”

Darklight → “Because I don’t want to.” or “Because I don’t feel like it.” (Or some variation of that.)

co-worker →

Darklight → “I’m sorry. I know this means a lot to you, but I’m not going to spend time with you.” (Or some variation of that.)

co-worker → (whatever his response would be)

Darklight → “I’m sorry. I know this means a lot to you, but I’m not going to spend time with you.” (Or some variation of that.)

co-worker → (whatever his response would be)

Darklight → “I’m sorry. I know this means a lot to you, but no.” (Or some variation of that.)

co-worker → “Okay.”



The next day, repeat the exact same reasons.

Barricade your mind. Repel the enemy via constant vigilance. Don’t budge an inch.
changingminds.org/techniques/resisting/stonewalling.htm

I disagree with saying I’m sorry. First, reserve “I’m sorry” for appropriate times, like if one has wronged someone. DL has not, AFAIK. It also sounds like it has an explanation hanging on invisibly. “I’m sorry…(but I have to wash my cat)” and leaves it open that another time might work better.

I think saying “thank you” when preceded by “no” is okay. I think Dr. Popcak suggests parents say “no, thank you” to unwanted behavior by children.