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Xantippe
Guest
I like that.
How do I politely tell someone I don't want to go out to "get to know him better"?
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chevalier
Guest
Yeah, that. Or Claire’s with HR.
There’s no need to make an enemy of him or in any way make it personal, so don’t use any witty lines that have the effect of making him look stupid. Don’t humiliate him.
‘Say, how about we…’
‘Nope, sorry.’
‘As friends, I mean.’
‘Still nope.’
As long as it’s true you can say it’s not like you have anything against him, you just don’t feel connection or interest, even in the friends sense if he insists on asking about that, but if you don’t believe the ‘just friends’ part you can always say you don’t.
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Faxero
Guest
What religion does that co-worker of yours subscribe to? If he is a fellow Catholic, then it might be uncharitable to avoid him solely because your personalities are incompatible. In an increasingly secular world, enemies of the Church are developing all-around, so the need for us to persist as one remains as strong as ever.
On the other hand, if he truly is a self-centered person or a firmly secular person, and you haven’t misinterpreted his words and body language, then distancing yourself from him might be smart.
On the other hand, if he truly is a self-centered person or a firmly secular person, and you haven’t misinterpreted his words and body language, then distancing yourself from him might be smart.
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Sarcelle
Guest
It would prudent to avoid him if he keeps harassing her. Being Catholic does not give him the right to harass her nor does she have any obligation to keep being harassed by him just because he is Catholic.What religion does that co-worker of yours subscribe to? If he is a fellow Catholic, then it might be uncharitable to avoid him solely because your personalities are incompatible. In an increasingly secular world, enemies of the Church are developing all-around, so the need for us to persist as one remains as strong as ever.
On the other hand, if he truly is a self-centered person or a firmly secular person, and you haven’t misinterpreted his words and body language, then distancing yourself from him might be smart.
If anything the obligation falls on him to keep Catholic unity by recognizing her as a sister in Christ who does not deserve his continued harassment.
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Joe_5859
Guest
As you are experiencing, offering excuses is only encouraging him to ask again, particularly when the excuse is limited to the specific evening he is asking to hang out with you. He’s interpreting it as “Try again later.”
I agree with the others that a simple, “No thanks, I’m not interested” repeated as many times as necessary is a good approach. You don’t have to specifically say “I just don’t like you.” But neither do you want to make it seem like you would hang out with him except for some other prior commitment.
Will he take it the wrong way and have hurt feelings? Perhaps. But sometimes that is unavoidable.
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Faxero
Guest
From my point of view, the co-worker is not harassing her. I think the primary blame should fall to Darklight for not being assertive enough. Had she been more assertive to begin with, the co-worker wouldn’t continue to make advances toward her. Well, Better late than never.
npatrol:You might consider me to be practicing a variation of ‘victim blaming’, but as Monicad said, saying ‘no’ is a life skill: everyone is expected to develop it. It’s not the co-worker’s fault that Darklight doesn’t make it more obvious that his advances are unwanted. If I were in the co-worker’s shoes, I think I would continue to chase after a girl who says “maybe later” instead of “no”.
In any case, I don’t recall saying anything about Darklight needing to tolerate harassment from fellow Catholics. You likely misunderstood my post.
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Xantippe
Guest
You got a crystal ball there?From my point of view, the co-worker is not harassing her. I think the primary blame should fall to Darklight for not being assertive enough. Had she been more assertive to begin with, the co-worker wouldn’t continue to make advances toward her. Well, Better late than never.
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SuperLuigi
Guest
I agree. And as a guy, I’d rather hear the honest answer than some lame excuse. Better in the long-run,.
I think women want to avoid hurting feelings, but when it comes to romance, that is part of the risk that both sides must understand.
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Faxero
Guest
Uhh :ehh: …no, of course not. I thought it was obvious.
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DarkLight
Guest
I was always taught that saying “no I don’t want to” or “no I’m not interested” directly like that was incredibly rude and definitely not work appropriate behavior, especially when someone’s just trying to be nice (even if you suspect other motives). Is that not the case?
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Faxero
Guest
The articles listed on following webpage might help broaden your perspective.
changingminds.org/techniques/assertiveness/assertiveness.htm
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“Assertiveness is widely misunderstood, often equated with aggression, which is not.”
.-----.
changingminds.org/techniques/assertiveness/comparing_behaviors.htm
snippets :compcoff:
Being *aggressive *may get you what you want and earn you respect, and it may also result in miscommunication and feelings of ill-will toward you from others. Aggression is better used by persons with more dominant personalities.
Being *assertive *earns you respect and allows you to develop fair relationships, at the costs of not getting everything you want. Others may develop feelings of envy and confusion toward you.
Being *submissive *prevents you from being harmed; low personal risk, at the cost of not getting what you want, low social status, and others potentially taking advantage of you.
Right now, you seem to be submissive. If you wish to get what you want without being harmed and without causing harm to others, being *assertive *would be the best approach.
Saying “no I don’t want to” or “no I’m not interested” can be either an aggressive or an assertive approach, depending on your body language and tone of voice.
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styrgwillidar
Guest
No, it’s not the case. If you respect a man at all, you are upfront with him. That he can in fact deal with reality and rejection. It’s part of life. The majority of men can handle no, and would prefer you respect them enough to tell them that.
Dancing around issues is taken as you’re still trying to decide and it may be a possibility worth pursuing. OR, when the man finally realizes you just were afraid to say no- it was because you believed he was too immature, or too emotional, or too weak to just tell him the truth, you don’t respect him.
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Bill_Martin
Guest
Not if it’s the truth. No guy wants to play the guessing game of “Is she actually just busy or is she not interested? Should I reschedule? Should I drop it?”
Most guys appreciate honesty, and the ones who don’t are not going to be happy regardless of your answer.
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jmcrae
Guest
If it’s said in a pleasant tone of voice, it’s not rude at all.
My response if someone were to ask me out at work would be to look at them with astonishment and say, “Noooooo, I’m not interested at all. And I’m not sorry.” In an overdramatic tone, and then they laugh because they think I’m kidding, and then I laugh and I say, “No, seriously. No. I’m not interested. You go - don’t let me not coming with you stop you - you go have fun!” and then I carry on with my day.
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DarkLight
Guest
Then why do most guys call you a b**** if you tell them you’re not interested? That’s kind of what I’m trying to avoid.
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jmcrae
Guest
Your self-concept can’t be required to depend on what that sort of man thinks of you. If he calls you a b**** when you say “No” then he’ll probably call you something worse if you say “Yes” or if you don’t commit one way or another. You can’t win with those kind of low class fellows, so you have to make good decisions on your own behalf and not let the name-calling get to you. Don’t let it bother you; their opinions aren’t worth considering. You are worth more than that.
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Joe_5859
Guest
I wouldn’t say “most” guys do that. But you cannot control how a guy chooses to react.
There are no magic words to say that any and every guy would hear and then clearly understand that you are not interested while simultaneously thinking nothing but good thoughts about you and walking away happier than before he asked the question.
It’s best to be honest. Might some guys get their feelings hurt? Sure. Might the really immature guys pout and call you names? Possibly. But that’s on them. Their reaction says more about them than it does about you.
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Bill_Martin
Guest
I strongly doubt that most guys would. And if he does, why would you waste even a single brain cell worrying about what someone that classless and miserable thinks?
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DarkLight
Guest
That’s just been my experience with men in general - most guys get mean and call you names if you reject them, at least if it’s without a good reason.
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Lou2U
Guest
You do have a good reason - you have nothing in common, and you don’t want to spend time with him. If a man were to swear at you for not wanting to spend time with him, doesn’t that show you what kind of person he really is? Why would you want to spend time with someone like that?
Just be firm, and repeat yourself. Make sure he understands no means no.
Lou
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